“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
—Hunter S. Thompson

“Thou debosh’d fish, thou!”
in Shakepeare’s The Tempest (II.ii.25)

Aries : Cool off, chill out, and don’t panic. Especially don’t panic. The problem is that you need more energy and it just ain’t there. You feel like one of those old fishes that gets washed up on the shore, a bloated and stinking rotting carcass. The way this week looks, you might even feel like the gulls are having a fine dining experience with your intestinal track as their main course. Relax because this is merely a week of tension which will be over with soon enough. But you better plan on mowing the lawn this weekend instead of a fishing trip.

Taurus : This is a week where you are going to feel like you have struggled like you have never struggled before. It’s as if you’ve got a tremendous amount of pressure weighing you down, and you just can’t get up to relive this ache between your should blades. Or maybe it’s like a persistent insect buzzing in your ear. The good news is that you will find a degree of relief by the middle of the week. Probably just the AC fixed, but that’s a start.

Gemini : There’s a rather old Science Fiction short story called “Blow Ups Happen,” and such a title would pretty neatly describe your week coming up. And you just thought you were down with the pyrotechnics from the Fourth, didn’t you. But before you stomp off in anger, send me the name of the author of the short story mentioned, and I’ll email you free “el-cheapo” chart analysis. You need something to take your mind off the mundane matters of living for a little while.

Cancer : If you’re not moving in with Bubba or Bubbette, then I was wrong about this romance thing. There are some folks who are so afraid of commitment that they live in trailer houses just so they can pick up and move in hurry. Are you one of those this week? Living in the trailer house that you never take down off the wheel, just in case you need to move on? What’s the rush?

Leo : Every once in a while, the good life just doesn’t get any better. This is a week like that for you Leo’s. Regrettably, it’s not a week like that for the rest of the world, so remember to go easy on your friends and family this week, because they’re not having as good a time as you. In fact, they might be a little envious, so treat softly. Well, as softly as a Leo can.

Virgo : We’ve got a couple of conflicting things going on for Virgo right now. One is a positive influence on romance, the old love thing. The other is a negative influence on the brain thing. Some modern philosophers will equate the two, the love thing and the depression thing, but I can separate them for you. Now, to make the week even better, just think about that love thing. Obsessively. I hope this doesn’t worry you.

Libra : what has been a lingering good influence is turning into a linger malignant influence this week. Pressure is once again building, mounting to what seems like an incredible crescendo, and… never mind. You’ll just be let down if I were to tell you what was going to happen this week. The anticipation is better for you. It is improving, just not this week.

Scorpio : Eat, drink, be merry! This is a week to party on, like Leo because the Moon gives you a resounding kick in the rear to get you out and off you dead backside. I would do the same thing, metaphorically speaking, only Scorpio’s carry grudges and I would never want to be the recipient of one of your grudge things. But do consider the beginning of this week as a time when you are getting booted out of the house and into action.

Sagittarius : Lucky Archer! There is a bizarre twist of fate this week as Lady Luck comes to visit you, if only for a brief moment. You’ve got some INTERESTING changes occurring in the wardrobe department of your life, and you need to remember that the outer landscape (the stuff you wear) is a reflection of the inner landscape (the way you think). Top water lures work best this week, against all odds. Go for black bass, trophy size.

Capricorn : Live bait, like worms and minnows work best this week for you. This goes against conventional fishing wisdom, but every once in a while, you will find that flying into the face of conventional wisdom can yield a good result. Net profits will be up if you try the live bait.

Aquarius : Once again, and against your wishes, you find yourself in a lucky spotlight, only, this spotlight is one that you did not choose. Still, if you would just drop the Aquarius Attitude for a little while, then you’ll notice that you can calmly accept the accolades which wind up coming your way. I hope you have a decent hammock set up on the front porch because this would be a good weekend to relax a little, drink some ice tea, and think about mowing the lawn.

Pisces : Nesting and resting seem to me to be the best advice I can give you. You are struck with odd thoughts which concern work, but if you are a good Pisces, and you are, you can quickly dismiss these thoughts of hard work and get back to what is important this week, getting comfortable in the shade someplace, and dozing while fish don’t bite the hook that you put into the lake.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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