“Rich men sin, and I eat root.”
— From Shakespeare’s “Timon of Athens” (I.ii.71)
Mercury Retrograde alert.
Aries
You finally get some rest from the summer sweatbox. Put your feet up and contemplate the inner realities of life, its meaning and the best ways to accessorize. In plainer language, schedule appropriate nap times every day. Sneak out of the office and feed yourself or your lover in a nearby park. Then nap. After what you’ve been through this last summer, you deserve a break this week. Two words: Power nap.
Taurus
Change is good. It’s one of the few constants you can bet on in the game-show of life. And change is imminent this week. You can struggle with these changes, like you usually do, or you can go gracefully. I suggest grace because it would those around you. Just think: You, apparently bending to whims of chance. Your friends will see you in a new light. Give it a try. You’ll be surprised with the results.
Gemini
Sudden changes loom on your horizon because that darned fool planet Mercury is doing its moon walk number right now, and do you know how that effects you? Do you? Especially during its first week of retrogradeness? Doh! Cover your head! Run for your life! Buy up futures in Slurpees! OK, it won’t be THAT bad but there will be moments this week when things look very, very bleak. Concerned? Don’t be, this won’t go on forever, it only seems like it.
Cancer
Someone owes you a lot of money. Whoever this slaggard is, your money should be forthcoming this week. That’s what the stars say. However, the planets suggest that your mail will be delayed. That big commission check you’re waiting on might not get here fast enough. I know you were looking forward to something better, but thank your lucky stars that there is still something good coming along despite the Mercurial influences.
Leo
It’s still Leo party time but now that Mercury is doing its downward spiral, let me warn you about unexpected visitors at your parties this week, i.e., the police. It looks like one or two of your rowdy friends have come over, trashed the place, turned the music up too loud, and now you have to pay for it. I hate it when the cops bust up a good party.
Virgo
There are good things, and there are bad things happening. Which do you want first? OK, the bad news is that Mercury is doing its retrograde number starting right here, this week, in Virgo. It means that no matter how hard you clean up and organize, nothing gets done. The good news is that Venus is exceedingly kind to you, and she moves on at the end of the week into Libra. Your sense of beauty has never been prettier. It’s a good week to shop for a black velvet dress. Or a black velvet Elvis.
Libra
It’s a good week to shop for black velvet art. It’s a good week to buy anything with Elvis on it. Speaking of the King, it’s a good week to consider a pilgrimage to Graceland. Your chances of finding solace are at least as good as a deal on blue suede shoes. The way things have been going lately, anything with a small degree of relief is worth a try. Remember what the King liked best? Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches. Try comfort food if you’re not going to Tennessee.
Scorpio
You’re set to revel in the muck. You have extracted a vengeance, an overdue retribution on some poor wretch, and I’ll bet you’re so excited. There’s nothing like paying back in kind to make a Scorpio happy, right? Be careful about your overzealousness with zealousness. Too much fun and then the police are called, people are hauled before Judge Wapner or worse — lawyers get involved.
Sagittarius
There is a brief, shining moment at the beginning of the week when a small window opens, inviting you in. What will you do? You’ll go in, of course. That window is the Entryway to Problemville. You’ll probably get in a fight with your girlfriend/boyfriend/pet dog/pet goldfish. Or kick the cat. After this window closes, though, things go right back to sailing along smoothly. Unless you really did get in a fight, then you might have to pay the consequences.
Capricorn
This is not going to be one of your better weeks. Cappy is an Earth Sign, but you knew that. And Mercury is retrograde in an Earth sign. You knew that. And this week feels like everything is going straight into the ditch, but you knew that. What you didn’t know is that there is a way out of this wreck without requiring the Jaws of Life. If you’re really nice to me, next week I’ll explain how you can extract yourself from this dicey situation.
Aquarius
One problem you face this week is that the confounded mercury retrograde is making life miserable for everyone around you. Not that you would ever let a little thing like Mercury get in your way, but it’s making life that much more difficult. To top it off, you’re going to have mechanical difficulties this week. You’ll get over it — just be prepared with walking shoes and a handful of quarters.
Pisces
“There’s a hot wind on my shoulder….” and you still can’t understand what Stan Ridgway sings after that in “Mexican Radio,” but that doesn’t matter. You should have a monumentally good week despite dire predictions for the rest of the zodiac because Pisceans don’t care about no stinkin’ Mercury retrograde. It just doesn’t matter to you. And, there is a secret lift you get from some other planets, too, but more about that later.
