Week of: Aug. 25-31
“This is strange: methinks
My favor here begins to warp.”
— From Shakespeare’s “The Winter’s Tale” (I.ii.364-5)
Aries
Bait is a central theme this week. What does bait have to do with a Ram-Tough type? Everything. Instead of bashing those horns of yours into that problem that just won’t go away, try a new approach. One alert member of the FGS Faithful discovered that pizza crust — the older the better — is a surprising way to catch a monster fish lurking in the deep end, one big enough to eat a fully-grown ewe. So try something new this week in your renewed attack on old problems.
Taurus
You have an amount of willpower, heretofore known as the Giant Hidden Reserve. Most of your GHR will be tested this week. Non-certified astrologers will tell you to give and bend a little, to give in to other peoples’ desires. Here at FGS World Headquarters, careful research by our crack staff of fully bonded and insured scientists in white lab coats have found that wearing white lab coats has absolutely no bearing on how much work they get done. The best part of a lab coat is that it prevents pizza sacue from getting on to white t-shirts. They’ve also found that Taurus types might actually be on the right track. Keep struggling this week for what’s right. Fight the power!
Gemini
You have a big hunger inside of you this week, a strong yearning for things not good for you. Copious quantities of chicken-fried ateak, mashed potatoes, and cream gravy come to mind, as does the culinary gift to mankind, the pecan pie. And really good BBQ sauce, too. Ask yourself, though, do you really want all that stuff on your plate this week?
Cancer
Ever do any public speaking? Ever called upon to give a presentation? One of those deals where you get up and bore people with a slide show? You know the routine, the charts, the graphs… all of it pretty meaningless, right? Guess what! You get to do another one this week. Don’t get nervous about it, and don’t worry, either. Really. With the Sun in Virgo, not everyone will nitpick, just the few who count. And I hope this doesn’t worry you.
Leo
The mighty Lion is about to return to its humble origins this week. Good things are afoot in the 7-Eleven of the heavens, dude, and this is usually fortuitous for you (dude, if you don’t know what ‘fortuitous’ means, it’s the same as ‘bitchin’). Regrettably, I have to report that Mercury is still doing a number on office communications. In fact, you’ve stepped back in time, and everyone is using a Dixie cup and string for communications. This is a temporary time warp you’ve stepped into, not a major one, and the heavens will clear up in awhile.
Virgo
The problem with having the littlest planet do a retrograde in your sign is an essay unto itself. If you don’t get the free FGS monthly newsletter delivered to your virtual doorstep, you should reconsider because you would have been adequately prepared. Strong love leanings are heating in the Dutch oven of your life, the problem is that this urge won’t find an adequate way out of you until after the Mercury Retrograde time. And then you’ll be in good shape. Consider delaying your birthday by about month this year.
Libra
Too bad we can’t all be Libra-like because the goddess of peace herself is in Libra right now, lending a new degree of diplomacy to you. It’s also too bad that old Mercury has a spin bearing, and is doing this little head spin number on you, too. Normally, you would be out there, winning hearts, and salvaging the world from the ugly grasp of someone really bad, like Jean-Claude van Damme. Nope, things ain’t a-lookin’ too hot this week, but hold on because that diplomacy will get you somewhere.
Scorpio
Mars is the old-fashioned ruler of Scorpio. And Mars is in Scorpio right now. And now I am going to put on my Kevlar. Before you think this is another angry response to the barrage of hate mail I get from my mother (she’s a Scorpio, you know), let me explain: Mars is the god of war, but he also can be a god that helps folks (think JFK and the Bay of Pigs). Of course, that’s not very likely from a Scorpio, but what did you expect? With Mars in your sign, you should feel a lot of energy, like you could fight a war. With Mercury retrograde, you should know some Roman Gods somewhere are having a good laugh at your expense.
Sagittarius
For some reason, love is in the Sagittarius air this week. Actually, it’s more lust than love, but you get the idea. Worse than spelling T-R-O-U-B-L-E in several different languages, your lust/love could be bad thanks to the planets and their stumbling and fumbling motions. To borrow a well-known Texas metaphor, that dog’ll hunt. And now, a sports metaphor: It’s like a football that won’t stay in the fullback’s hands. Get the idea? Let go of control in the game of love, and your team wins.
Capricorn
Feeling tense this week? Irritable? Worried about a problem over which you have no control? Chill out, grasshoppa. It’s a pesky sign from Mercury Retrograde, and it needs no medication from you. In other words, try meditation. It’s a simple solution. Feel better?
Aquarius
One lesson I’ve learned in the Dilbert World of Office Politics is that automatic weapons and employers don’t go together. When under attack from rabid, flesh-eating deer during hunting season, a good field rifle is important. But not in the office, even though you feel like going totally postal. Remember, 99 years is a long, long time.
Pisces
The problem with being a wonderful Pisces is that you are like Teflon, and Mercury Retrograde is sliding right off you. I’ll bet you aren’t as hard hit by this little tailspin as the other, lesser, signs. Nope, just something extra special going on with you this week. Take advantage of this break in routine to get ahead.
