Kramer’s Fishing Guide to the Stars
Fishing for Love Guide
By Kramer Wetzel
“If the young dace be bait for the old pike, I see no reason in the law of nature but I may snap at him.”
Falstaff in Shakespeare’s 2nd part of King Henry IV (III.ii.358- 60)
Like Falstaff, some bait just follows nature’s call. Figure out what sign is most prominent in your target’s chart, and then look up what kind of bait you think you might find most effective — using the right bait can always help you land your favorite fish.
Bait — For the less fishing-tackle-aware, these are actual lures and supplies in my tackle box except for the Pisces one; that’s an earring.
ARIES:
Live shad — see, an Aries fish needs something that wiggles, and let’s face facts, in some cases, and Aries is just such a case, no artificial bait can replace that special movement you can only get with a live one. For the non-technical folks, we call it action. Aries needs action, activity, and agility in order to get caught. Nothing works better than live shad for big redfish.
TAURUS:
Get one of those special Craw Dad plastic things — the newer plastic jobs which have a special, garlic smell embedded in the plastic. Works great. I know, you might find the authentic ~feeling~ of the plastic a little slimy, but to catch a Taurus, you need something that looks real, feels real, and, most important, tastes good. And that garlic flavor-bacon bait has the taste that a Taurus Bass will crave.
GEMINI:
Jointed Minnow — Nothing works better on the Gemini than a super- long, jointed-minnow. It’s pretty much a top water lure, and the Gemini needs some flexibility. So a lure with some flexibility is needed to make the Gemini happy. But unlike the plastic jobs which are way too ~flexible~, the jointed minnow lure is big enough to present the Gemini with a challenge, and it offers enough rigidity that the Gemini will surely stay hooked.
CANCER:
Bacon strips — Nothing works better for catching a Cancer than food. And what could be a more tasty bait than a nice, decent bacon strip? In fact, a bacon strip which is double-hooked works even better. The only other thing I’ve seen work on Cancer is a little fish which looks like a minnow, but seems to be a major ingredient in Caesar Salad and compliments Pineapple on pizza. Be forewarned, not every one likes them little fish. I’d stick to the Bacon, myself.
LEO:
Live Bait with a spinner — Nothing works better for catching a fixed fire sign fish than Live Bait. Worms, minnows, or even some traditional Japanese cuisine, I hope you get the idea. Live bait has an aura of adventure about it. It’s hard to get them little wigglers onto the hook, if you know what I mean. And that’s the only thing that will really ever catch a Leo’s attention, something that seems to be an adventure.
VIRGO:
Crappie Spin — “It isn’t just for Crappie; Smallmouth love it too!” This is a special lure, designed just for Crappie, but guess what? Smallmouth love it, too. And that’s why it works for Virgo fish: the utilitarian nature of this lure will always attract that ever so practical, but mutable, Virgo. It’s a perfect fit. Besides, just about every Virgo has a taste for the unusual — that’s why this dual purpose bait works so well.
LIBRA:
Minnow with 3-D eyes — This is going to come as a bit of a surprise, but the Libra target fish needs to feel like its bait has soul. And what better way to show soul with the eyes, those little things poets call windows to the soul? When you select a lure for a Libra, be extra careful about color combinations, too. Avoid garish and tacky colors, tending towards delicate shades of blue with silver or golden sales. And eyes, nice eyes, realistic, 3-D eyes.
SCORPIO:
Sneaky Snake — I’ll tell you a secret about how to catch a Scorpio, I mean, there’s one thing that works best, but I don’t want you to get paranoid, since it is the secret Scorpio ingredient, and keeping it a secret is no conspiracy. That’s why the Sneaky Snake works so well on the Scorpio Bass. It’s the allure of secrecy and mystery that catches that Scorpio attention. Just don’t tell the Scorpio that this is a traditional lure for Scorpio’s.
SAGITTARIUS:
Baby Trout — No commitment, non-recourse spicy food in a foreign land. Or BBQ at Black’s in Lockhart. Either way, the baby trout lure works. Offer that Sagittarius fish something that looks different. In fact, some of the biggest bass in Texas have been caught on this lure. So it’s BBQ or baby trout, but something with a little bit of spice helps because it’s always easy to hook a Sagittarius fish, but getting that trophy into the net and on the stringer is a bigger challenge. Sag fish are frequently called, “the one that got away.”
CAPRICORN:
Muskie Lure, the Chub Sucker — Despite the name, the Chub Sucker is a stalwart and dependable attraction for a Capricorn fishie. Its design comes from a long line of ancient lures, and it is very popular in vintage fishing tackle collections. The true beauty of this timely design is the new fangled edition of super-conducting noisemaker spoon bill. It’s that little flair of excitement which is added to a time-proven lure. Classic lines with a modern update. That’s what will always hook a Cap.
AQUARIUS:
Rattlin’ Rogue — this is a super duper, time tested lure that works better than anything else. Besides, with a name like Rogue, you know that there is something special about this lure which will definitely catch your fish. Besides, the Aquarius fish is always drawn towards a roguish display of humors, as some would say. And the top water action of this lure is bound to attract the eye, and the mind, of the Aquarius. And if you catch there eye and mind, then you’ve got an Aquarius, hook line and sinker.
PISCES:
Mystic Zara Spook — This lure combines the best of all possible combinations for cooking a marvelous trophy-sized Pisces. In order to land this Pisces lunker, a Zara Spook which is just mysterious enough to work. Since this is derived from a classic lure with two hooks, you can be sure that your slippery Pisces stays hooked. Just about any bait will attract a Pisces, but it sometimes takes two hooks to hold them on the line. Of course, the Zara Pooch lures also make excellent earrings.
(c) Kramer Wetzel
Laete cenaremus quos nos subigant
