Week of: 7/13-19

“‘T is a lucky day, boy, and we’ll do good deeds on ‘t.”
The Sheperd in Shakespeare’s Winter’s Tale (Act III, scene iii)

Red Alert: Monday the 13th (far worse than any Friday the 13th)

Aries : I sure hope you’re the skeptical type who doesn’t put a lot of faith in what every astrologer says. However, what I see coming up in your chart is some shattered dreams. Before you panic, how about we address this thing and call them shattered illusions? Some dream-like, trance-like idea is going to turn up different from what you expected. It’s all a matter of perspective. And this new-found insight which clears up an old misconception is going to make life much easier for you. It’s all a matter of looking at this week the right way.

Taurus : It’s coming up on old family week for you. Long lost and distant relatives that you haven’t heard from are supposed to drop you a line this week. And I don’t mean “drop you a line” in a fishing sense either. You could get a fax, an email, a note, even just a postcard from the edge, but you’re going to get something pretty soon. And I’m not talking about one of those post cards from Library, informing you that you owe a some astronomical amount on an over due book. Nope, it’s time to get out the quill and bottle of ink, and be prepared to return these notes.

Gemini : Venus goes sailing out of your sign late this week. That’s the bad news. Or the good news, kind of depending on your philosophical bend. You might want to add some dead German philosophers to reading list for the summer. In fact, a trip to the bookstore seems to be in order. Of course, I’d be a little wary of over-spending in a bookstore right now, you might be tempted to buy a whole library, and then never get around to reading it all. Stick with them dead German dudes this week because your brain is ready for a philosophical upgrade.

Cancer : There’s something strange that’s going on, and as this week unfolds, you get a chance to unlock whatever secrets of the universe are, the ones that have been preventing you from having a decent relationship lately. It’s not that you haven’t been without offers, it’s just nothing seems to fit right. Take heart, dear Moon Child, because your are swinging into a time when your trailer house will literally rock back and forth with good vibrations. I just hope I haven’t mixed too many metaphors here, but you can dig it all.

Leo : I want to say something nice for the mighty Lions this week. I once went to a high school where the football team was named the Lions. If you can guess the name of that high school, I’d be more than happy to send you, via email, an FGS “El-Cheapo” report. Maybe that would brighten your week. You’ve got Mercury still on top of you, but the problem comes from the fact that both Venus and Mars are now in the sign which comes right before you. As is the Sun. Makes for an interesting week. Don’t you just hate it when they call something “interesting”? Keep planning that birthday bash.

Virgo : Old time astrologers, the really old ones, consider this to be a bad time for Virgo’s. Fortunately, we’ve done a lot of “in your face” research, and have added to the present canon of astrological lore, and we’ve determined that this isn’t such a bad time. Just be careful with your razor-edged wit this week. Just because you’re so sharp, you don’t have to cut the rest of us into ribbons. Slicing and dicing your astrology fishing buddy isn’t going to help matter right now.

Libra : We have diminutive minuet going on, overhead, in the heavens. Three little clods of dirt are conspiring to make you think extra hard this week. To exacerbate the situation, these little clods of dirt are not particularly important in the grand scheme of things. But this heavenly dance is really important in the minor scheme of things. Now, to execute the final steps of this little dance, there is a some romantical interest type of thing which is serving to further complicate this little mess. Try to remember, this week, that this is all done in a minor key. It’s really no big thang.

Scorpio : I’m not pickling the Scorpio’s again. I know better. All of ya’ll have beaten me into submission, the way it should be. However, this week, I humbly submit to you that there is some difficult business dealings about to transpire. This doesn’t mean that you will lose, it’s just a harbinger of hard work ahead. And while we’re discussing hard work, this isn’t like that stuff where the highway construction crews all stand around leaning on shovels, either. This looks like hard work of the kind which challenges your brain. Fortunately, it won’t be too much of a hardship for you.

Sagittarius : Time to turn to the lighter side of life. Of course, you are going to be screaming about problems at work, the house that has suddenly become too small, and how no one ever treats you right. Get over it. You’re a Mighty Archer, you can get over it. Your little emotional side is going to be a bit on the raw side early in the week. Don’t fret about the details. It’s not your problem. Minor and insignificant irritants fall in the realm of other signs. Act like that bow and arrow which represents your sign, and you’ll go flying over your troubles this week.

Capricorn : Nothing could be finer for you right now. You are locked up in a surreal environment which is actually going to make you look pretty good. Of course, you are facing the week with the usual amount of fear and trepidation that is inherent with a Capricorn, but wait, there is a lot more on the horizon that looks good. All of us Capricorn’s are going into a period of time of relative ease and grace. Of course, this doesn’t mean that the relatives will be easy or graceful, they never seem to abide by our wishes. Still, this is a good week due to a number of nice little aspects in your chart.

Aquarius : Reality, met dream land. Shake hands. Get to know each other. There’s an issue which you’ve been avoiding for a while, and I alluded to this particular issue last week. At least, I think I did. Maybe I’m dreaming, too. And this issue is back. You might want to call it a reissue, like old TV shows which get made into movies, or worse, cartoons which are portrayed on the big screen by real world actor people. In fact, you may feel like you are caught in one of those movies this week. Is it real or is it just an illusion? Hint: TV is not the real world.

Pisces : Don’t say I didn’t warn you about Monday the 13th. Don’t come back and haunt me and say that it is all my fault; I was out of town, on the road some place. Must’ve been. I wouldn’t have been there in the first place. Anyway, this Monday is sort of like a trigger for you, and it sets a tone for the rest of the week. No Pisces is really that superstitious. Except for one or two of you, I mean. And that means that this is actually going to a be a good week. I hope you have some special revelries set aside for Monday, we all know you deserve a big break this week.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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