Week of: 7/6-12/1998

“I am giddy, expectation whirls me round.
The imaginary relish is so sweet
That it enchants my sense.”

Troilus in Shakespeare’s
Troilus and Cressida, Act II, scene i.

    Top water lures work best this week.

Aries : Have we talked about money? Have we talked about relationships? Have you confused the two? That would be my word of caution this week, don’t confuse the romantic stuff with the cash flow stuff. And make a serious effort not to be too critical. Or make a critical effort not to be too serious. Love and money are very powerful motivational forces, both are active in your life right. Don’t get them confused. Be serious when your supposed to be (about money). Have fun with that significant other and don;’t be critical of him or her (or it).

Taurus : It’s time for the Grand Illusion! Okay, so maybe it’s not the grand illusion, but you’ve got some wild dreams which are coming face to face with a reality situation. In other words, in precise mathematical terms, 2 + 2 seldom equals 4. Can’t get there from here. Perhaps you’ve got one of those old Pentium chips installed in your brain right now, but nothing seems to be adding up correctly. It’s not you, really, it’s just the planets having a good go at you. Somewhere, there is a deity having a good laugh at you expense.

Gemini : As Mars moves out of your sign this week, you are stuck with nothing but the beneficial influence of Venus. This comes under the heading of a “good thang.” I mean, have we talked about Air Signs lately? All that mental activity is going through your sweet little noggin right now. And with Venus in your sign, that just makes it more exciting. The deal is this: feel good about yourself and don’t worry about the details right now. In fact, I seriously doubt that you ever worry too much about the details.

Cancer : Some astrologers call Cancer’s moody. I hardly feel like that’s an appropriate word for you guys, though. I much prefer the term “introspective” and “contemplative.” That ought to give you something to think about this week. Another birthday, and another visit from Mars, which, all in all, isn’t too bad. Just watch your navigation skills on the lake. A compass and a good map would help. But don’t try to sail and look at the map at the same time. Doesn’t work.

Leo : Being the lovely party animal creature, you might be a little upset with the fact that not enough of the right people are paying attention to you this week. Relax a bit, my fine Lionesque friend, because the attention will be forthcoming shortly. And in the meantime, put some of this wonderful Mercurial energy to work for you. It’s a heady rush of ideas, and somewhere, there is a voice nagging you to get this down on paper. Write out your plans for the next few week, and you list should go something like this: birthday bash is going to be big; get invites out now; my birthday should be a national holiday (draft a press release).

Virgo : That persistent ringing in your ears is NOT wedding bells. It’s not even wedding chimes. It might be from the bump on your head, delivered by a soon to be ex, though. I don’t want to paint a negative picture for you, though, it’s just that you’ve been a little too persistent with this wedding metaphor. And the effect of the good stuff, like that old wheel in the sky that keeps turning, is that things aren’t as good this week. I really do recommend caution when it comes to your relationship stuff. There’s no cause to let everything blow up, why not just let it all blow over?

Libra : If you remember one of the longest running cartoon of all time, “Scooby-Doo,” then you remember some of the cartoon expressions used, words like “yikes.” That’s what this week looks like for you. You’re all tooled up to make sweeping changes, but you’re going to spend the better part of the week dealing with old problems, rather than getting the new stuff done. Check you equipment before you start out for the lake. Nothing is worse than getting halfway to a good spot to fish, and finding out that someone didn’t make sure there was enough gas to get there. Much less enough gas to get home. Nothing is worse than being stuck halfway there with no fuel and no oars.

Scorpio : Thankfully, while all the other signs are having a bad week, life has suddenly gotten better. I would never, ever suggest that Scorpio is a vindictive sign. But just hold your horses, because you’ve got the ultimate payback coming this week! You don’t have to lift a finger. You don’t have to do a thing…. it’s all right, because some one you wanted to get even with is going to wind up in a lot of trouble right now. The most rewarding part of this event is that you have nothing to do with it. So gloat some, you deserve it. give them that patented Scorpio, “I told you so” look.

Sagittarius : I got a feeling I’m going to get some angry Sag mail this week. Especially early in the week. But it’s going to get better. Monday isn’t a good day. Neither is Tuesday, but it’s a lot better than Monday. But by the middle of the week, things are starting to feel like they are okay. Which they are. Now, for the magic time: go fishing this weekend. You can make fish land right in your boat, if you just concentrate hard enough.

Capricorn : We’ve still got all that unsettling little influences this week, nothing major is falling apart, but every little problem is cropping up in what feels like a big way. But it’s not that bad, really. Or it isn’t supposed to be. In fact, if you can put this sort time to good use, ya’ll will find that you can solve some problems. It’s sort of like working a busted up outboard motor. You just have to take the time to take everything apart, examine it closely, and reassemble the whole mess. Don’t forget the yellow goo for gluing the metal parts back together with an effective seal.

Aquarius : The old “get up and go” takes a brief vacation, unless it’s an urge to go and visit the doctor. Now, I’m not a doctor, other than a piece a of paper on the wall here at the office, but I feel like you’ve had some sort of nagging health problem, and that problem could use professional attention. Of course, a good massage therapist might help. Ask me, I have several in my area. In fact, you can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting a RMT, or so it seems. But in any case, you’ve got some stuff going on, and it’s time to deal with it. Follow the good doctor’s orders this week.

Pisces : Did I ever tell you how nice you look in a swimming suit? I was being serious, you know. You do look “oh so fine” in a nice suit, sitting there in the front of a bass boat. And that’s the idea this week. Get out. I don’t care what it is that you do, just do something. You are trolling right now, and wearing a swim suit in a bass boat, although that is not the best of behaviors for fishing, is what you should be doing. Remember, you look “oh so fine” right now. And pay no attention to the voice in your head telling you that things ain’t any good–they really are.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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