Week of: 1/18-24

"All is not well;/I doubt some foul play." Hamlet, [I.ii.254]

All you're going to get from me is some foul play on words, at least, that's what I was striving for.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: I tried, perhaps vainly, but I tried in desperation to warn you guys last week. The good news is that, as soon as we got past this Monday Morning Thing, as soon as the hands of time slip into forward motion, the little bumps in the heavens are going to smooth out. Things are going to be okay. I promise. In computer terms, this is called Real Soon Now, and you know how fast things can change in the computer world. So there are some changes up ahead, good changes. Don't get to comfortable with that one piece of mission-critical software this week, there's a new version next week.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: We all look a little sideways at folks who talk about alien abductions. And when I was in school in Roswell, NM, aliens meant something entirely different -- not the big-headed, hairless gray fellers we're talking about now. But Alien Abduction seem to be the only way to account for some of the activities this week. Perhaps it's the effect of the New Moon so close to Neptune, or the Sun getting together with Neptune, but if you have had to concoct an abduction story, now is the time. The funny part is, you might actually believe it all this week.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Two terms come to mind this week -- Wedding Bells and Wedding Spells. I wouldn't want to suggest that someone significant in your life was trying to trap you with either one, but there's a good chance that you fall under the spell of a wedding bell, or a bell has a spell for you. Something like that. Of course, you know to be wary of astrologers who try to rhyme without meter -- it just doesn't work. But one or the other will catch you this week. And I fully expect a proposal or two from a Gemini, or the Gemini section of the sky, one way or another.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: There's still a bit of heightened energy floating around in the heavens right now. Too bad this wonderful, dare I suggest heavenly, energy is not at a good angle for you guys. Doesn't mean anything bad is going to happen, at least, not bad in the strictest sense of the word, but there's a chance that something is coming down the old expressway of life to shake you up a bit this week. In fact, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest that your life feels like an old Jerry Jeff Walker tune, "If I can just get off this LA Freeway without getting killed or caught...." I hope you know the real author of the tune as well as the title of the first album it appeared on, and if you do, drop me an email, and I'll send you a free "el-cheapo" chart interpretation.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: My fine Leo friend. How we could all use some creative visualization right about now. In fact, and despite the dire predictions by other, less Leo-friendly astrologers, this is a fine week to dream about setting some wheels in motion. Get ready to announce to the world that your one great opus is ready to go. Tell them that you are ready for them to all listen to you, read you, and glory at your marvelous ability. So much for the dream. You see, there's a new moon on the far side of the zodiac this Monday, and shortly after it does the real New Moon thing, it starts thinking in Aquarius. Makes it a little tough for you. But if you can dream it, you can be it.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: You ought to be starting something new. I guess that's redundant, but with a good Virgo, you can never be too precise. And precision plays an important role in this "starting something new" cycle which the planets are going to launch into this week. Or launch you into. In fact, if you can just build a big enough fire, you can warm up lots of places. And that's the "new" thing you want to be starting right now. So get out the can of lighter fluid, take a long look at the BBQ pit of love, and think about how you can mesquite grill something special that will really help you start "something new."

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Tough decisions for the Libra tough guys make this a tough week. The good news is that by Tuesday, the tough stuff is over, and you can go back to being you're usual, delicate a reasonably well-balanced Libra that you are. The tough stuff involves a decision which probably involves an authority person, typically, in the modern vernacular, called "a pointy headed boss." If you understand the reference, then you also understand that the biggest myth about management is that there is a thing called management. Don't sweat this decision process -- you've got enough Libra to help you render a decision.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Old Pink Floyd songs echo in my head right now. You, too, should be listening to the classic tunes to help sooth your fevered, Scorpio brow. Relief is right around the corner. In fact, you are like a time bomb right now, just a ticking away. Rather than delve into Classic Rock, though, perhaps a trip to the music store, and some of the truly classical type of music might help ease the trouble this week. Something soothing, like Mahler's 7th Symphony might help. And the more time you spend trying to figure out the meaning of the music, the more time you are not likely to get in trouble. Consider it a mission.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: There is a new romance stirring in your heavens. And there is a problem associated with this new romance. Being a typical Sagittarius type, you want to hurry up this process of romance. You message this week is simple: learn to play the waiting game. It's a bit convoluted, but then, getting to the best place to fish on the lake is sordid and twisted trail, too, so to speak. You've got unload the boat, park the trailer, then (for luck), you've got to take a wide tour in order to get to the target. This romance thing is like this, too. Make sure you've got the emergency brake set the truck before you motor off on the lake of love.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: This week looks like a day at Six Flags -- the greatest grand daddy of all amusement parks. For those who are less enlightened, it's between Dallas and Ft. Worth, deep in the heart of North East Texas. And the flags stand for the various countries who have laid claim to Texas. Now that the details are out of the way, which ride are you going to go on this week? So many decisions, so little time. It's like that giant roller coaster, and if you eat too much junk food this week, after the way this week looks, you might be seeing that food for a second time. But it was so much fun at the time....

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Other scopes for this week have references to Pink Floyd's music and Six Flags amusement park. For Aquarius, I'm kind of at a loss as to explain what the astrological events are going to be like. Dreamy? To be sure. With a hint of romance? That, too. Problems? Sure, a few. So imagine a week when there are a few little troubles which keep bothering you, like fish that nibble on the bait, but you can't ever set the hook. Of course, as the week unfolds at its inexorable pace, you'll find that your fishing suddenly improves. And to that one special Aquarius, happy birthday.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: If you're very quiet while you're reading this, you will be able to hear the faint hum of the fan in your computer. But that's not the noise that I was hoping you would hear. There's a hint, sort of like a faint aroma of spring, sort of like a beautiful day in Texas when, despite the idea that it's Winter, there is the faintest hint that spring is around the corner. Now look, it's going to get cold again, but you heard that noise, and you're thinking of spring time activities right now. So let your brain wander where it will right now. The noise I was referring to is the sound of spring buds pushing up through the frozen ground, and you know what? It's going to be blooming good soon.

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Kramer Wetzel