Week of: 7/24-30

“When Fortune means to men most good,
She looks upon them with a threat’ning eye.”
Pandulph in Shakespeare’s King John (III.iv.119-20)

July 24 is the Feast Day of Christina the Astonishing, which is a name that might have been applied to a date I had. She’s the patron saint of psychiatrists, and the lore suggests she was awakened from her coffin by the aromatic nature of the crowd. Before 1969, the 25th of July was the Feast Day of St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers. And surfers. (Surf Board surfers, not the web.)

Aries : There is a general conflagration in the heavens above this week, as we get ready for yet another one of those celestial events. It’s not like there hasn’t been one right after the other, full of portent and wonderment, and other things, too. It’s not like the heavens haven’t had many suggestions of things good going on for a spell, like all of this month. And it’s not like these late eclipses have a lot to do with you, but in this case, they really do. It’s a relationship eclipse, and that means there will be some good things delivered via the heavens. I tend to take much more pedestrian view of this, however, and I wonder if the good stuff won’t be delivered by truck. In fact, the way the week looks, it seems like a truck is passing in front of your place and something falls off. Rush right out and grab that package. You can return to sender, or, if it looks good, you might just keep it as a surprise gift from the heavens. Or the back of a truck.

Taurus : I was looking for a quote for the week, and what I kept coming back to has nothing to do with everyone’s week, but it applies to Taurus, what with everything going on. There’s the approaching feeling about an eclipse about to happen, there’s Venus (the planet voted most likely to be affiliated with Taurus) in Leo, at a harsh angle to you, and there’s this thought: “Young Cassius over there, he has a lean and hungry look about him” (JC, I.ii.194). That’s what I would be wary about this week., Now, the problem being, is just who is addressed in this statement? Is it you, the fine Taurus reader who has a lean and hungry look about you? Or is it your opponent, instead, who looks like they are about to gobble you up? Or is there a softer side to this statement, dare I suggest even a sensual portent in the remark old Julio makes? This week, you are either bait, or baited, and I would like to think that you get to make the decision yourself.

Gemini : We have established, through careful observation and collating the data, that an average Gemini (although there is nothing ever average about a Gemini) moves at approximately four time the speed of everyone else in the occupying a similar place in the space – time continuum. In other words, Gemini’s fidget a lot. Call it nervous energy. Now, while you guys are moving in one direction, or maybe two or three right now, the rest of us are looking like a herd of cattle without any one around to drive us. The question for this week is, “Are you strong enough to herd the rest of us along?” It’s daunting task, and I’m not sure that even a single Gemini can keep up with all the task associated with driving this herd, this astrological herd. What I would watch out for, is a good start to the week, and as you build up momentum, you begin to think to your Gemini selves, “Hey, this is easy.” I would just caution you from time to time, especially as we get closer to the weekend, to check back over your shoulder and make sure that the rest of us are really following you. Sometimes, we need a little extra “motivation” — that’s the real job of the cowboy. This week, my fine Gemini cowboy, make sure you are attending to all your duties.

Cancer : I wonder if this isn’t the final throes of Mars doing some sort of a staged wrestling match with the Cancer psyche that’s getting to you this week. Mars makes the last of his passes at your soul right now, and it’s not been a polite trip, not the whole way. Mars usually means lots of activity, but he has a different effect on each sign. I’ve observed that Cancer’s typically don’t exactly get along with Mr. Mars. Since he’s almost done with you, that means the degree of excitability, irascibility, the general stentorian tone of the past weeks finally settle down a bit. Regrettably, this is not without one last shout. There’s got to be one last little blast to say good bye to Mars and his ways. It’s like a celebratory firecracker which has been left over from the celebration at the beginning of the month. And that’s one I never did understand because I would never typify a Cancer as the loud and obnoxious type. So there’s one round left to fire off, and it looks like it happens this week. The closer to the weekend, the louder the report gets. I’m just trying to offer a little bit of a warning, and you do know what I’m talking about.

Leo : I have one Leo friend, and she invariably reads my horoscope in the morning, and before she has time to think about it, she fires off an e-mail, telling me all about the woe, the trials and tribulations, how awful everything is, and so on. She can turn any astrological event into a bad news item. Even good news turns into something that somehow, in that Leo brain, gets twisted around. It’s always “their fault,” or “the boss is picking on me” or “my boyfriend is a jerk.” So this week is a bad week for that one Leo. The rest of you? It’s a great time. You are tempted by just about every temptation that is known to Leo Land, and there are few temptations that you didn’t know about, but you get to have them, too. The upcoming series of events promises to let you act in a rash manner, a behavior pattern which is not consistent with your normal way of acting, and that’s going to make these various delicacies which traipse before you that much more alluring. Normally, I would suggest that you reel in your appetites, but this week? Why bother. There’s no way any of us can contain a Leo this week.

Virgo : The office chair person is a cat. She’s also a Virgo. At least, she has many Virgo-like qualities. This week, however, she’s not very Virgo like. It’s summer time around here, and she sheds a lot of her coat. Sometimes I wonder why she isn’t bald because so much fur is coming off her. In fact, just to touch her, not even pet her, just to lay a hand on her back (gently now), raises a huge cloud of loose cat fur. Just like the office manager here, you’re not very Virgo like this week. Doesn’t matter if your a messy Virgo, then you’ll be one of the clean freaks this week. And the opposite applies, too. If you are the interminable tidy type of Virgo, you’ll be a mess this week. The planets are having a good chuckle at your expense. Notice that it’s just a chuckle, not belly laugh, or even a guffaw. Ride with this cosmic joke. Go ahead and let the opposing forces in your life play havoc with some of the stuff that’s going on. Go ahead and let chaos reign in your ordered (Virgo) universe. There is a pay off in here. There is hope. and there is method to your madness. It’s just not a week when “normal” seems to work for you. So whatever is normal, go ahead and do the opposite, and have some fun with it.

Libra : As I have recorded in previous horoscopes, there are enough eclipse references in Shakespeare’s canon to provide a whole army of scholars enough fodder to stay busy for many, many campaigns. And for most of these guys, an eclipse is considered an evil omen, a portent that nothing good will come of it. I find this, in your case, and this week, just not true. So despite the weighty conclusions of 400 years of Elizabethan play acting and scripting, I just don’t think you’re going to get hammered this week. Or next week. In fact, there is something which is coming back at you, but it’s more like a bad investment which is finally beginning to pay off. Suddenly, the stock price jumps up, suddenly, the entity is back from the brink of extinction, and suddenly, everything starts to work itself out in a much more positive way. This is, of course, weighed against 400 years of tradition, but sometimes, a good Libra is willing to fly in the face of tradition. Doing so, right now, might have some unexpected good results.

Scorpio : The long term view is the best for my fine Scorpio friends. The long range, “take a step back and look at the big picture” way of approaching this time is going to be best for you. It’s not bad, just the getting mired in the minor details day to day is going to obscure what the big plan is. You can get so caught up in looking at the small stuff that you completely forget that there is a “big picture.” I’ll keep reminding you to stop, pause, reflect, step back away from the edge, and marvel at the view. Not the stuff that’s right in front of you, but the overall scene. Focus is mighty important to a Scorpio, but I suggest that this is a week when the microscopic, micro – management style of looking at things just doesn’t work. Assess what a the goal is, don’t worry about how you get there. If you spend too much time looking at the map, you’ll never see some of the landmarks along the route. In fact, you might miss an important turning point if you are too busy consulting the paper in front of you. Looking out the window counts this week.

Sagittarius : Bass fishermen are an odd lot. Some of their behavior defies normal logic, although, it can be easily justified for the sport. Sometimes, a fisherman can’t manage to get up for work at a reasonable hour, but when the alarm clock goes off for a weekend tournament, boom! The guy’s out of bed with an amazing spring in his step. That’s called passion, as much as anything. It can infect the very soul of the fisherman. Long hours, dubious return on investment, no coherent logic to any of the machinations, it all adds up to a private form of lunacy. Ask any fishing widow. This week, you get just such an infection, one which takes up residence in a part of your body very close to your soul. It might even feel like you’re on fire with a new sense of purpose in life. I don’t want to slow you down any, but you’d better take a hard, and cold, look at this new “thang” you’ve become some embroiled with. Is it really right for you? Is this a true passion or is it just an obsession? Is it true love where a soul meets a soul’s mate? Or is this just Fortune, throwing some goodness your way, more like icing on a cake as opposed to a full meal deal? Ask yourself these questions before you commit to the new passion with too much monetary investment.

Capricorn : I just have such mixed emotions about what to say for this week. I think it goes back to a strict textual interpretation of the quote at the beginning of the week, something about Fortune, and how Fortune is good to you, but you’re just not sure that the old lady Fate is really dealing you a good hand right now. In the grand scheme of things, yes, you are getting a good hand. But it’s a hand that requires some deft management this week in order to tease out the best return. Some would call this a bluff. I would call it a calculated challenge based on the odds, what cards are already showing, and what’s your chance to draw out what it is that you are looking for. I do think that you’re going to emerge from this week as a victor. I do feel like you can figure out that the odds really are in your favor, only, you’ve been playing low-ball for so long that you’re not sure you can pull it off. And I do suggest that you actually “run the numbers” this week before you place that wager. Make sure you care getting the most from what weird stuff gets handed to you. And remind me to miss the poker game with the Capricorn this week as I have no more money to lose to you guys.

Aquarius : You’re either going to love me this week, or you will certainly hate me, but I don’t see a lot of middle ground in here. I don’t see a lot of room for vacillating. I don’t see a lot of room for anything that remotely looks mediocre. It’s either a stupendously wonderful week or it’s an alarmingly bad week. I tend to look on the bright side, and I tend to see this as a wonderful opportunity for you to advance your cause. Of course, in an effort to advance your cause, like a good game of chess, you might have to sacrifice a pawn or two. While you might you think in your Aquarius mind that this is a big sacrifice, it’s really not. It’s not nearly the big loss that you think that it is. Don’t be afraid to relinquish some of your assets in order to gain the upper hand, it’s all moving at a good pace, and I will promise that you get out of this intact. But there will be a challenge or two that will tax your systems this week. The more strategic planning you can work in, the better it gets. After all — it’s only a game.

Pisces : There are times like this when it pays to not pay attention to yourself. There are times like this when some selfless work, a charitable Pisces hand lent in a particular direction, some travail that offers no compensation, is best. This would be just such a time. The planets are conspiring (I know you hate that hint of a conspiracy, but there you have it) to make your life even more interesting than it has been. The best solution for a long, hot summer week (it’s summer time in Texas) is the find something you can do for someone other than yourself. There’s a catch to this week, and it will likely get you in the end, so go ahead and get your good deed out of the way. Personally, I like the organizations which donates game taken in sporting events to help feed hungry people. While that may appeal to my basic sentiments, I’m not sure that you’ve really got a freezer full of Bambi’s daddy that you want to donate to a cause. But do check with your internal Pisces indicator and see what you can do help someone out this week. A certain fishing guide I know can always use a little helping Pisces hand, too, come to think of it. Send money.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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