I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the players; mark it. You say
Right, sir; o’ Monday morning; ‘t was so indeed.
Hamlet in Shakespeare’s Hamlet (II.ii.512-3)
Aries : It starts out as a week when you feel like it’s going to have any number of bad side effects. And yet, rolling around in the back of the Aries brain, thumping off the sides of your cranium, as it were, you’re also going to find that there is a high degree of hope about the whole mess. You know that something good is about to happen, but you’re just not sure what it is. As we all march towards the weekend, you’re going to find that things start looking up. As the slow procession of the planets moves forward, you’re going to find that you are easily able to lift your eyes toward the heavens. Just be careful as your attitude might be improving, as you lift your eyes heavenward, you might make a small mistake about where your feet are. Nothing is worse than tripping over your own soles. That’s the only trouble this week, too, in a headlong rush towards the weekend, you might trip yourself up.
Taurus : There is a certain ease and grace which is just missing from this week. There is a certain degree of normal mannerism and ways of speaking that no one seems to be willing to follow up on this week. There’s a certain inability of people to be nice to each other. And this will have a lasting side effect on the much maligned Taurus because folks just can’t seem to be nice to you. What’s going to take this bad situation to a new low is the week kicks off with lots of promise but quickly deteriorates. Now that you’re aware that this week falls apart, or never even gets up and gets ready to roll in the first place, deal with it accordingly. It’s like pulling dead minnows out of the bait bucket, and you’re just not sure what to do with them. You’re thinking, “This is not good for bait,” but given the right equipment and a little ingenuity, you know, you can use those dead minnows for something. I’ve heard they look good on pizza.
Gemini : You need to start out this week with a degree of caution in your head. Steel which gets passed through the flame, heated up and cooled off, is considered to be stronger because it has been tempered. This week, you’re going to have yet another Gemini experience which is like that tempering process. One minute, you’re literally bursting with energy. The next, you can’t seem to get up and go. At one point, you are so excited about some new possibilities on your personal event horizon that you can barely, if at all, contain that excitement. The next moment, you just want to take a nap because you are feeling world weary, and even the last round of excitement has finally got you down. You just need to sleep it all off. Then again, something else comes along and sparks that Gemini excitement nerve again, and you’re off and running with a new idea. I’ve watched this behavior before. It’s like a fishing buddy who invariably uses three different fishing poles, all at the same time. I’ve never seen fish strike all three at once, so I’m not worried that you want be able to handle a similar set up. But I do wonder about you from time. What happens if they all hit at the same time?
Cancer : There’s a little Fang Sway trick I’ve learned while living in Shady Acres Trailer Park (one of Austin’s finest mobile home communities), and it has to do with getting the correct alignment on a homestead so that the house is lined up with the earth’s energies, the relative position of absolute north, the good vibes, and, in my case, how to keep the morning sun from loudly pouring in the bedroom window. Nothing seems to be worse than having the summer sun some creeping in the blinds and loudly announcing itself to the cat. And no sooner does the cat hear the sunlight than she’s up on the bed, loudly letting me know it’s time to feed her. There are some adjustments to make to a household which can prevent this. Consult with your favorite Fang Sway book, and see what you can do to line up your house better. Sometimes, something as simple as a trophy fish in the front hallway can help a lot. Other times, it requires a minor adjustment to the trailer’s actual north-south and east-west orientation. So consider some rearrangements this week, something to make the energy flow a little more smoothly. As far as the cat is concerned, I’m still looking for an automatic can opener for her, then she’ll let me sleep in.
Leo : It’s always something, and this week, it’s really something. Just about the time you begin to feel settled because it looks like Ms. Venus will quite fooling around with your head and heart, Mr. Mars joins you. It just goes to show that there is a divine and perverse sense of humor at stake here. It’s not all bad, either, because there is the briefest shining moment this week when everything comes together. Not just in small way, but in a grand Leo is the greatest kind of way. There is the one moment when it everything looks like the whole world is okay. That means you get a brief chance to advance your own agenda, the briefest of moments when folks who look like they are paying attention, really are. There’s just the smallest margin when the whole world is lined up and listening to you. Make us of this stellar influence. Do your best to work this moment to your advantage. One of the problems with having more than just Leo in your chart, though, is that you might realize when you had your Leo moment a little too late. Just be prepared with an acceptance speech, though, should you be called upon.
Virgo : Birthdays are important when one studies astrology, and there are schools of thought which often denigrate this philosophy and age old science. This is a week which will serve to make it that more clear, just how it all works because you can see for miles and miles, you are way ahead of the curve, this week. One of the problems with being on the advanced edge of the times is that other folks tend to lag behind you. The preponderance of the planets I’m looking at are actually in the sign which comes before you. In traditional astrology, this isn’t so good. However, after years of research, we have been able to determine that there is an advance placement at work for you. The problem? You Virgo’s are always quick to point out flaws with my prognostications, and the problem is that the rest of the 11 signs aren’t quite up to where you’re at this week. Keep to yourself. Make mental notes, or scribble spurious bits of information down on miscellaneous scraps of paper, tucked away in your Virgo pockets. You’re squirreling away information, and this stuff will pay off, in the very near future. Like as early as next week.
Libra : “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may” is line from some almost forgotten poet. It’s also a line from almost forgotten poetry. And while the poet and his poetry may be forgotten, it’s a sentiment that I hope is not lost on you this week. There’s a certain sense of playfulness which pervades the summer air, and this sense of fun, perhaps it’s twinged with a melancholy lassitude, stays with you all week. Like the short summer months, however, this all encompassing sense of abandonment and amusement is going to suddenly come to a rather abrupt end. It’s like a dog who has been racing along on a long leash, sort of like the one my neighbor has tied up in his backyard. The end of this week is like that tether, and you’re going to feel like a tether ball as you get bounced back into some reality at the very end of the week. When does the end of the week come, exactly? When does this reality grab you up short? Like the dog, when do reach the end of the rope? That depends on the individual chart, but the furthest extension for any Libra is the end of the weekend. I just hope you’re not running at top speed when you discover the end of the leash this week.
Scorpio : There’s nothing worse than a grumpy Scorpio, one who just grouses about, grabbing and complaining about relatively insignificant hurts and injuries. There’s nothing quite as bad as one who complains about the tiniest nick or scratch, and makes this injury sound like a major medical trauma. The lurid details, the blood squirting everywhere, yes, it really was a terrible accident. This week is full of that sort of energy for my dear Scorpio. She’s going to have a minor mishap, like getting a fishhook embedded in the end of a finger. What’s worse, the best tool for removing this object from the tender flesh of the fingertip is a pair of rusty pliers I would grab out of my trusty tacklebox. This doubles the horror for the Scorpio — seeing the rusty needlenose pliers approaching the offending fishhook. Relax, because this week, the pain is going to be worse for whomever it is that is operating on you rather than you, the Scorpio. The less you complain this week, the more you chew on your lower lip and keep the annoying chatter to yourself, the better off you’re going to be. There’s a time coming when you get to pay us back, but the amount of complaining should be kept to a minimum.
Sagittarius : There’s a musical allusion to a fish that I’m fond of. Both the fish and the song. It’s called “5 Pound Bass,” and it’s a song by local favorite Robert Earl Keen. What’s important about this song and this week? “Up before the sunrise…” and full of energy, anticipation, looking forward to catching some breakfast, just feeling good all over again. It’s not just the sport of fishing, either, it’s the thrill of the hunt. And it’s looking forward to breakfast, a little pan fried delicacy. To be fair, bass isn’t a particular treat, but when you’re hungry on a summer morning in Texas, and you land that huge fighting fish, dropping him in a frying pan at a fishing camp just makes it all taste that much better. What’s this got to do with your week? You week is like that song, full of energy, activity, and a chance for some personal gain. Check the song out, if you get a chance. It’s worth listening to. And that one tune really does cover what this week is supposed to be like.
Capricorn : We’re going to be making a move this week, you and me, Capricorn and astrologer, and this move is an astrological journey. It involves a couple of the planets, and it’s like picking up a trailer at a Shady Acres, and moving it out of town. You’ve always wanted to have place, out in the country, and this is a week when you can make something like this happen. To be more precise, this is a week when the astrology stuff lines up so you can get on the horn and start making the arrangements. You’ve got to have a septic built out in the country, and you need to get some water and electricity arranged, so think about digging a well, and there’s the local electricity cooperative you’ve got get to run a line in for you. And while you’re at it, might as well get the place wired for about three phone lines, and what’s a decent place in the country without a little cable TV? Look at a satellite dish, too, and compare the costs. As you can see, this little astrological move, this idea you and I share has some problems. It’s starting to turn into a big task. Fortunately, you’re up to it this week.
Aquarius : This is the kind of week when you want to retire away from the maddening crowd, get away from the rush of people all trying to tell you what to do, and take a break from it all. A quiet weekend with the added benefit of no cell phone, and no internet connection comes to mind. In fact, you really want to get as far away as possible. Given the unusual nature of the Aquarius mind set, and given the even more unusual nature of what is going on astrologically, I was thinking about a particular bed and breakfast spot I know. It used to be a great place for fishing but some of the fishing holes seem to be a little fished out now. It’s a B & B on the dark side of the moon. That’s about the best place for you to be this week. I realize we can’t all escape there, if we all could, then the place would be over crowded, but it’s the thought that counts. Whatever it is, you do need to do something to get away, if it’s only something as simple as showing up for work with music and earphones, listening to “Dark Side of the Moon” — but keep dreaming about the little B & B.
Pisces : One of the nicest things about working with birthdays, which is what an astrologer does, is that calendars make the greatest of toys for us, and the calendars become pretty good for accumulating and storing large quantities of useless information. There is a forgotten Saint, a Jewish Holy Day, or similar feast day associated with this one, one of the days this week. I think. I sure hope so. And if there isn’t such a high holy day associated with one of the days this week, you can always do what one of my student friends did, make one up. While I was in school, we all had “St. Bernice” to call on. She was the patron saint of late papers, long hours cramming for finals, and the occasional saint for tired college professors. Best of all, she could be used whenever needed, and she could molded to fit just about any situation. Now, my friends and me, we’ve already used Saint Bernice (apparently the saint ran a brothel in Roman times), but given you’re Pisces mind’s ability to work along spiritual lines, I’m sure you can come up with a good one. Make your own saint or high holy day this week, and use that for a celebration — it’s also a convenient excuse, if you need it this week.
