For the week of: 8/13-19/2001
“There is divinity in odd numbers.”
Shakespeare’s Merry Wives of Windsor [V.i.3]

Don’t believe in global warming? Let’s take this discussion outside — summer time, Texas-style. Austin’s summer time heat index ought to about settle that question. Good news: I’ll be escaping Texas summer heat, going to be in Seattle for the next week. If you’re in the area and just have to get a reading from me, then e-mail me, and I’ll see if I can fit you in. Unlike some folks I know, I’m always willing to work a little during a family vacation. Don’t forget: you can always earn a discount by wearing an “astrofish.net” T-shirt, or better yet, one of the new caps — all are available here. [The hat is certainly not politically correct, but then, when have these horoscopes ever been politically correct?]

Aries: Okay, so subtly is not your best quality. And even being aware of subtle little changes in everyday life is also not one of your better strengths. I know one little Aries who trained herself to be aware of this sort of minor degree of change, but once again, this is not a common trait. However, I’d like to suggest that you pay attention to some of the minutiae in everyday life. I was looking for a new spot from whence to fish, along particular bank of the river here. The path was an arbor delight, graceful trees making a green canopy over my head, a gentle breeze stirring the leaves, a little bird singing away as if she didn’t have a care in the world, a butterfly, and in the river, a couple of turtles lounging on a fallen tree. Crafty old bass (fish) like those fallen trees because a fisherman’s hook gets snagged in everything but the fish’s mouth in a place like that. Gently tuning into the subtleties will yield marvelous results. Okay, so all I snagged was a lot of dead branches, but I figure luck is on your side right now, if you can only look beyond the obvious.

Taurus: In the academic circles where I no longer travel, the axiom was, “Publish or perish.” This really applied to staff member, teachers, professors, and members of the committee that kicked me out. I was publishing, but astrological prognostication and fishing weren’t popular with the elders of the hallowed halls of the academic world. I just didn’t seem to fit in the university’s curriculum. So what? There is still a joy from the axiom, and you need to modify it a little, but also, apply the modified version to your Taurus life right now. Publish or perish? Not quite, but almost. Go ahead and commit some material you’ve been working on, go ahead commit it to the written form. Could be something as simple as a stunning memo to the upper management about their appalling lack of concern about a given situation. It could be an outright whistle blowing situation. It might be more mundane, perhaps some lyric note to a long lost love, someone you want to reach and touch, and touch them soon. Put it in writing, then hit the send button.

Gemini: Slow down. I’ve been lecturing recently, and in my usual talk, I suggest that the average Gemini moves at a pace approximating the speed of sound. Problem being, the rest of us use a more leisurely pace. So slow down. Imagine that you’re in a small town in West Texas, some place with a population barely over a thousand bodies. Now imagine that you are trying to communicate with New York like staccato delivery to these slow speaking denizens. You’ll find the easiest way to communicate is to slow down. No fancy literary allusions. Don’t even mention Shakespeare. Never hurts to invoke Willie [that would be Willie Nelson, a Texas icon & iconoclast — in the same body], but once again, you’ve got to slow down a little. The harder you try to make us understand what you’re saying, the harder it is for us to understand what you’re saying. Take a deep breath. In fact, take several. Don’t hyperventilate, but do pause long enough to collect all those thoughts racing around in your brain. Them folks you’re talking to, they ain’t dumb, they just can’t follow some of your more arcane speech patterns.

Cancer: “Divinity in odd numbers? What’s up with that?” It’s the odds, not the evens, which I’m suggesting are good for you. Don’t look for luck in normal places. Don’t look for good luck, let Mr. Good Luck find you. The Fates, the odd gods, the planets, whatever you believe in, that one you do believe in will take care of you. It’s a matter of letting it happen. Doesn’t hurt to put yourself in the right place. I’m not one for suggesting long odds are a safe bet, but I do buy a lottery ticket whenever I find myself in a small town in Texas. Of course, I only buy one ticket, I mean, if it’s meant to happen, it will hit the big one. Same thing applies to you, if it’s meant to be, it will happen. Doesn’t hurt, though, to buy one lottery ticket right now, as Mr. Jupiter is traipsing through your sign. It’s an even bet the odds are a little better for you than anyone else. And I’m not a greedy astrologer, if you do hit it big on odd numbers, I’m only asking for 1%.

Leo: Most of the Leo’s I know personally have already had their birthdays, especially by the end of this week. But there are still a few Stellar Leo’s out there, and they are still celebrating birthdays, so let’s all get with the plan. Party. Plain and simple. I know it hasn’t been the best of summers, but the summer time is not over yet, and there’s no reason you can’t enjoy what’s left. Things are better and better minute by minute, hour by hour, and then, day by day. In fact, if you celebrate in the correct manner, you just might be able to forget all the bad stuff that has happened thus far, and you can really enjoy yourself. Or, you can try one of my old tricks, when I find the day gets off to bad start, I just take a little nap. When I wake up, it’s new day, all over again, and I get a fresh start. Sounds like a plan, if you need it.

Virgo: This is a preview time for you. It’s not your birthday time, not yet. In straight astrology, the Sun is not in Virgo yet; therefore, no parties for you. Not yet, anyway. But wait, there’s a little hint, a little uplifting suggestion, and it occurs shortly after the week begins because the little planet closest to the sun, Mr. Mercury, he comes sliding on into Virgo. This is good news. He’s a harbinger of what’s up ahead. Like a signpost. Start talking about some of the plans you’ve got. Start making final preparations for birthday stuff for yourself — just be a little careful, too — see, Mr. Mercury is in your sign, but alas, the sun is still shining in Leo, and you want to make sure you don’t steal any one else’s position as Numero Uno. Plan and play a good second person. Or imagine that your Virgo life is like a comedy routine, and you’re supposed to play the straight man. You’re bound to be the funniest one, but try and do it with a serious look on your face.

Libra: I had a rather desultory career in High School. Fact was, I attended more than one High School, according to Ma Wetzel, it could be blamed on adolescent hormones. But that was years ago. To some folks, the old school is the glory years, too. As much as you might enjoy a pleasant reverie and think back to the Libra Glory Years, I’d like to suggest you tighten up your grip on the present. Pay a little more attention to the right here and the right now. The more you can deal with the present, the better off you’ll be. The good old days weren’t nearly as exciting as you remember them to be. I’d rather see you enjoying the fruits of the present rather than spending too much time — especially right now — trying to relive the old days. Can’t be done. Don’t go back; keep moving forward.

Scorpio: There aren’t many items I require when I head out of the trailer to spend a day transacting business as Fishing Guide to the Stars. I just have to make sure I’ve got my wallet (cash and credit cards), my handheld computer, cell phone, beeper (voice mail), the bills I meant to mail last week, a watch (never mind the beeper, phone and palm top all have clocks on them), usually some charts to read, and you’re starting to get the idea that I might need a purse. Perish the thought: no self respecting Texas male would ever carry a purse. I manage to tuck most of this stuff into the pockets of the shorts I’m wearing. Keys, usually need them too, as well as a pocketknife — might have to skin a catfish (catfish are skinned instead of being scaled). Get the idea? Now, before you start out this week, make sure you have everything that you’re going to need. Making a list might help. Most important: if you forget something, like in the middle the week, don’t be afraid to turn back. You can never tell when that one item you forgot is most important.

Sagittarius: A not so typical day last week went like this: woke up, fed the cat, answered e-mail, got dirty crawling around under the truck, hiked around the lake, took a dip in the creek, had some chicken-fried steak, did a reading, answered mail, got cleaned up, worked on the truck some more, went over to the parts house to get a missing piece for the truck, finally fixed the truck, answered more mail, went to the office, went to happy hour, then went and saw a show that night. Typical day, filled with lots of activity and about fourteen costume changes. From overalls to shorts to nice duds for going out at night. From greasy jeans to my version of a black tie. Why worried about what you wear? It’s not the clothing, it’s the activity. That’s the challenge right now. If there were only about 26 or even 28 hours in a day, you could fit it all in. Do what you can, but don’t plan on getting a lot of sleep. You’re work schedule and social calendar should be filled to overflowing.

Capricorn: “Sometimes, a feller’s just got to do what a feller’s got to do,” is a familiar piece of wisdom from a friend of mine named Bubba. He says that as he saddles up to a date with Destiny. You know her? She’s tall, willowy, blonde, just barely legal. In reality, I think she’s a little older than that. And Destiny might not be her real name, either, it could be a stage name. In fact, pursuing Destiny, or your own version thereof, might not be the best idea, but like those wonderful bits of wisdom dripping from Bubba’s mouth, sometimes, a person just has to answer a call, no matter how ill-fated, ill-advised and ill-conceived that particular calling might be. I’m just here to warn you a little bit, take it easy, go slow, and don’t act too rash. It’s one thing to have dreams and pursue them, it’s another thing to turn that dream into an obsession, and to relentless pursue that obsession with obsessive zeal. Sounds a bit repetitive, but there’s an idea, a person, a thing, an object which is getting way too much of your attention right now. Put your date with Destiny aside, just for a little while. And keep those cards and letters coming in.

Aquarius: “Change my pitch up,” is lyric from a piece of music which a certain Aquarius person suggested I listen to. The music, not the Aquarius was what I supposed to listen to. To be fair, the technical-inspired computer-generated riff might be interesting to some folks with a typical Aquarius mindset, the rest of the track is less than thrilling. It’s a group which really belongs on the fringes of pop music, near as I can tell. Now, like my problem with Aquarius folks, I wasn’t listening to the person, just the music. You’re bound to feel that same way, too. Folks don’t seem to be taking your sage advice, or if they take your good advice, you get no credit for it. While that’s all fine in the long run, in the short run, your Aquarius sentiments might feel a little hurt. Nothing is worse than seeing your work appear, in my case, in print without my name attached to it. But the check cleared, and while I didn’t get credit for the article, and while you don’t get credit for the work, you do get paid. Learn to laugh all the way to the bank.

Pisces: You know, talking to your mate is an important part of a relationship. With one Pisces exception, in a special Pisces-Pisces relationship where telepathic communication is normal, but other than that one particular scenario, verbal communication is important. Talk to him, her, or, in my case, I’ll be sending a fax to the cat. It’s pretty simple, almost any action which doesn’t require any thought. There’s the problem, too, if there is any way I can convince you to think about what you’re going to say ahead of time. Maybe rehearse that speech, spiel, diatribe or lengthy monologue before you launch into it, we would all be a lot happier. You’re good and vocal, or you should be. I just recommend figuring out what you’re going to say before you try to say it. Especially if you’re talking to a boyfriend, girlfriend, or in my case, even the cat. [The cat’s fax hotline is 512/445-2850.]

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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