For the week of: 8/20-26/2001
“Beware/Of entrance to quarrel.”
Polonius in Shakespeare’s Hamlet [I.iii.65]

Good, old Polonius. As tragic-ending comic-characters go, he’s really okay. He’s got another quote I much prefer, but that quote certainly didn’t fit with this week. Know what that favorite quote might be? Send it in an e-mail to favquote@astrofish.net, and see if you might qualify for a free [short form] Fishing Guide to the Stars Planet Profile, made from fresh ASCII, right here in our East Austin “Bubba’s Bait Barn.” Graft, bribes, and other offers are also considered. National Slacker Day — this Friday.

Aries: By the time this week has started the moon is no longer dark. Call it a new moon, which means it’s good time to get after one of those projects you’ve been meaning to get around to, but you’ve been putting off. Not that putting off work or responsibility is typical of what you do, but yes, you’ve been avoiding this one task. I should admonish you a bit about your “responsibility avoidance” routine, but being an astrologer, and having planets to blame for everything that happens, I understand the feeling, and, in fact, I can be quite good at it myself. However, just like me, you’ve got this one task that really needs to be finished. I’ve got part of an old Lincoln’s suspension system scattered across a makeshift work table in the trailer’s backyard, and I should work on it. There’s also a friend’s outboard motor, I’ve been meaning to get to that one, too — it just needs some seals. In as much as I hate to sully my hands with dirty work, these are things that just need to get done. Of the two projects that are pressing, figure which one is most important to you, then tackle it. Looks like I’ll be working on one Aries motor this week.

Taurus: In my never ending search for the single, most correct word to aptly catch a sense, a fleeting feeling, a single sentiment that epitomizes your Taurus week, I kept coming back to the phrase Bubba was using to describe his last girlfriend. “She kept gettin’ all fractious on me,” was the way he said it, drawling the words, stretching the length of some of the vowels to a disproportionate length. Why worried about pronunciation? Take your time, and choose your words with a little more care than usual. Employ a good, strong, West Texas Twang in your speech pattern. Some people might think you’re just acting dumb, but I’m just trying to get you to buy a little time before you say something you might regret. Take a little extra time, and be aware that some folks are going to see you as being a little fractious right now. By taking your time to answer, you can always formulate the exact phrase that would go a long way in turning a bad situation into one which isn’t nearly so bad. Nay, you could, given enough slow talking, turn it to your advantage.

Gemini: You’ll look back on this time in the distant future (definitions are needed here: “distant future” to a Gemini might be next week), but you’ll look back at this time and see that it really was a turning point, a time when there was shift in the way things were going, a time when you finally started getting it together. Getting it together is a noble pursuit. One of these days, I might get it together, too. In the meantime, both of us have some hard work ahead of us. In my case, it’s called avoiding getting a real job, and in your case, since a Gemini is opposite a Sagittarius, it’s called working at your real job. But in the distant future, you will look back on this one week, this one particular stretch of time, and then, and only then, you’ll be able to see that this is the time when the planets finished doing evil things to you, and started doing nice things. This is when the tide shifts. Just when you were up to your neck with work, suddenly, almost imperceptibly, it starts to change.

Cancer: Polonius (see opening quote) is useful guy to yank quotes from. He’s a veritable windbag, full of useful advice, but sometimes, you see him on stage, and you just wish he’d shut up. It’s part of his position in the play. Tragic, comic relief. Or comic tragedy. It’s one of those. Likewise, you’re inclined to act a little bit like Polonius yourself, full to the point of brimming-over with great advice for the rest of us. And all the while, you’re also feeling pretty good about what it is that you know. I’m a little hesitant to invoke a character like this, unless I had some good advice myself: keep your good Cancer advice to your self at this point. You feel good, or you should, and you look good, or you should, so wait until the other folks come to you to get your wonderful advice. No need for you to go out and just pontificate at length — the right people will be seeking you out, and that’s when you can deliver your great words of wisdom. But let them come to you, especially now.

Leo: I was going to attempt a snappy little rhetorical device and suggest, “If it’s not one thing, then it’s another….” but I fear this will be taken in the wrong sense. See: The Sun leaves the last few degrees of Leo this week, but then, Venus begins to make her way into Leo, almost at the same time. I might be jumping the astrological gun on the Venus thing, but she is ever so close. And as close as she gets, and as the Sun moves on into the Virgo section, you’re sort of stuck between a good place and a good place. So, “if it’s not one thing, then it’s another….” But I mean that in a good way, for a change. And a little change is blowing in, like a gentle breeze stirring a Texas summer afternoon, you’ve got something happening that will help alleviate some of the sodden summer heat which has got you down. Relax, and enjoy this week — one way or another.

Virgo: You are like, just about so ready for it to be your birthday time. Now, exercise a little bit of caution as birthdays seem to make you just a little hypersensitive. And they can also make you a little sensitive to the fact that you are sensitive which just takes the situation and makes it a little bit worse. You’re also thinking that I’m thinking that you’re thinking, and you see how this can quickly go into a downhill slide. So shall we just lighten up a little bit? Ya’ll are set to enjoy what is going to turn out to be a wonderful Virgo month, a 30 window of celebration. Assume your titular position as the master (mistress?) of ceremonies, and have some fun with it. And quit thinking so much. [I think.]

Libra: I know it’s a little early to be talking about Fall Fashions, or for that matter, Winter Wear, but there is no time like right now, no better time, I might add, to consider putting a little bit of your precious Libra time aside for a long, serious glance at what’s coming up in the long run. Now’s a good time to get some of this stuff out of the way, too. Now is a good time to consider going through your closet, or that old cedar chest, or wherever it is that you store the winter apparel in, wherever you stash you long, woolen cloak, and that sort of thing, now is the time to be going through all that to get ready for the coming seasons. “It’s a hunnert degrees here, why do I wanna be doing this?” your Libra self asks. Because it’s a good time, during the lull in the action, it’s a good time to get a few things ready for the long range, and that’s what this is all about. A little, long-range planning and preparation will stand you in good stead.

Scorpio: You should find yourself in a little bit of party mode, long about the middle of the week, or so. Sometime in here, you’re ready to play, only, there’s a little problem as your suitable play partners, nefarious partners in crime, the folks you generally take a day off from work and go fishing with, the folks who are willing to hoist that last tankard of beer at the end of a long evening, all your cronies, none of them seem to be as willing to take a little extra time out for some fun. So there you are, your Scorpio self, and no one wants to play. No one wants to sneak out from under [choose one or more]; work, home, the wife, the husband, your significant other, the kids, the parents, or, in a single word: responsibility. No one else seems as disposed, not like you are, towards avoiding certain inevitable responsibilities right now. My suggestion? Just chuck it all. No, really. Go ahead and take a break. Go ahead and have yourself a little time off, even if no one wants to join. Personally, what with school starting and all, I think it’s a good time to avoid that first day of classes. Might want to get ahold of me — I’m an expert at avoiding responsibility.

Sagittarius: Reality. What an awful word to us delicate, suave, and somewhat clumsy Sagittarius types. Regretfully, reality has a lot to do with your life, especially now. You can take a lesson from the Scorpio’s we all know (and love), and you can try to avoid this reality stuff. But here’s a hint: it won’t work, not for Sagittarius. Ugly, little reality is here, and there’s no way around it. What’s that mean? Face the consequences of your actions. Face the music. Do what you’ve got to do. Mars is still kicking his heels up in our sign, and as such, he’s still adding fuel to an already raging inferno of a time. Instead of trying to extinguish that raging fire, do what is required. I still think it looks like you’re about to add a little fuel to the fire. “Is it hot enough for you yet?” I’m going to try to be extra careful about what I ignite, or how I fan those flames.

Capricorn: Have you ever gone pounding out the door at a frantic pace, heard the trailer’s door lock, and then remember you forgot something important? This isn’t like forgetting your purse or backpack, it’s more like forgetting your pants. You look down, and with sudden, sinking feeling you realize that 1] you have no pants on, and 2] the keys to get back in are in the pocket of those pants you don’t have on. Your individual circumstances might vary a little from this scenario, but I’m hoping you get the idea that this is a terribly embarrassing moment in your week. And it’s likely to occur Monday morning. By the time you get to the office, Monday afternoon, and read this on the web [or Tuesday or Wednesday or whenever], you’re going to be thinking, “If only I had read that first, then Kramer would’ve warned me….” “I told you so,” is great in retrospect. And if this doesn’t occur first thing Monday morning, just be forewarned that you are predisposed to just such actions, at some point during the next 7 [seven] days, the duration of this scope. And I’m just trying to warn you to check obvious things, like, do you have your pants on?

Aquarius: Sometimes, it’s not really the big things in life that matter so much. Sometimes, it’s the little things. One summer morning, as I’m heading down a little cowpath to find my favorite spot in the shade, a good place to “wet a hook” [the act of “fishing” for the verbally/visually impaired], it’s not the big things like the sun creeping up, the rosy-fingered dawn crawling across the sky, the explosion of color, the rattle of the squirrels, the songbirds twittering in the air, the Mockingbird doing his thing, the distant hum of the insects, the cicada making its noise, no, it’s not the big things, it’s the little things. The poetry of everyday events, the magnificence of it all. Don’t let worry about the searing heat of the summer day bother you, look for the little things. Marvel at the beauty that is all around you. Admittedly, if you’re in a big city, and there’s not much nature, I might have problems with it, but you can always pick out some of the details that are amazing. Look for this sort of thing. The details which make such a perfect picture. There is some obvious beauty and poetry in everyday stuff — make sure you take time to enjoy it. Particularly now.

Pisces: I’ve always liked invoking Mark Twain at times like this because I’ve found he’s a veritable fount of wisdom, and the humor comes across as being a little dry, a little droll, and maybe that’s something you could really use right now. In an understated, self-deprecating way, consider what Twain meant when he suggested that nothing was so important as a well timed pause. It’s an expression, and it speak volumes. So instead of opening up your Pisces mouth and looking like a Sagittarius with your foot firmly entrenched in your mouth, consider this as an opportunity to be quiet. If you play this one right, as the week unfolds, you’ll give someone else a chance to speak, and then, by their speaking, they will wind up looking a little foolish. If you open your mouth, even though it seems like it might be the right time, but if you open your mouth and utter those words, there could be a little more trouble than you were angling for.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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