For the week of: 8/27 – 9/2/2001
“So we profess
Ourselves to be the slaves of chance, and flies
Of every wind that blows.”
Shakespeare’s Winter’s Tale [IV.iv.543]

Venus is in Leo, begging BBQ Grill metaphors with the fire signs. At one local dining establishment [okay, so that term might be a little loose], there’s a tip jar for the hardworking employees. I like to feed that jar, as it has a subtle reminder, “The path to enlightenment begins with a tip.” Our virtual tip jar works with the PayPal system. [End of the month, landlord wants rent, the web server needs a cash infusion to stay alive.]

Aries: More than any other sign, especially right now, more than anyone else than you know, you’re going to feel like you’re buffeted around by the winds of chance. Makes that an even more choice quote to start out the week, now doesn’t it? When the winds of chance, the ill breeze of the fates, the very breath of Dame Fortune hustle you along in one direction, the best course of action is to set your Aries sails to capture this breeze, and follow it where it will lead you. Instead of trying to force your own agenda, instead of trying to get your own way, instead of trying to force something to work the way you want it to work, why not let something just be what it will be? I realize that might come as a challenge to a decent Aries like yourself, but I’m behind you on this one: just let it be what it will be. Don’t fight it. If the odd breeze blows you off from the course you’ve set, just follow the lead where it may go. You may not get where you want to be, but I’ll bet on you getting to be exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Taurus: Kick it all into high gear now. Get the lead out. Do the deed. Get rolling. Get the picture? All of my suggestions involve activity. Doesn’t much matter which direction you’re going in, as long as you’re moving. The planets deal you an active hand right now, and as long as you’ve got this activity thing going on, do something with it. Motivate. Get up off the couch. Get out. Get around. “Where are you going?” is the common question. Doesn’t much matter as long as you start moving. Take some steps to put yourself in the right direction. Don’t be afraid to make some course corrections, but use the way the winds of fate are filling your Taurus sails with a decent breeze. Follow that lead, and at least pretend like you know what you are doing. When I travel, I’ve found that acting like I know what I’m doing is big step in getting someplace. You should try this one — usually works pretty good for me.

Gemini: Bass are fun fish to seek in a sporting environment. They have lots of fight in them. They’re vicious, mean-tempered. Some folks would suggest they are lot like my last wife in that respect, too. I don’t think that’s fair to either the fish or the ex. And most of the fish I’ve caught all try a little trick or two, something to keep them from getting themselves snared in my net as I try to land them suckers. In some case, these fish can be like a bucking bronco, at the rodeo, even. So what’s the deal with the weird analogies? See, there’s this one bass, he’s been caught and released several times, and he’s learned a few tricks. So imagine that you’re reeling him in. Just when it gets close to the boat, just when you’re sure you’ve got a new, personal best, and just when you relax your guard a little, he does a special half back-flip, double-spin, twist to the left, and then he throws the hook. Don’t you hate that? The deal is this: drop the ball, stop paying attention for even a nanosecond, and look out, you’ll lose everything you’ve been working on. But pay strict attention to what you’re doing, and you’ll land that big guy — but not without a fight.

Cancer: It’s a familiar line from me by now, “Talk is cheap until you hire an astrologer.” I know you’ve heard it before, but you might want to consider hiring me to look at your chart at this point. See: you’ve got a good bit of luck coming along, and it’s up to you to take advantage of this luck when it hits. Timing is important. And you’ve got a little thing which you’ve been avoiding, sort of like that one bill collector you’ve been dissing. You know who I’m talking about. You’re current with everything except this one bill, and the collection agency keeps calling, during dinner, while you’re watching a game on TV, that sort of thing. When it’s most inconvenient to talk, you get stuck trying to explain that you’re not here. “Kramer? he not in the trailer right now, can I take a message? Sure, I’ll make sure he gets back to you when he returns….” Or, my personal best line for this sort of situation? “Kramer? He died last week, Yeah, it’s terrible, we’re having a wake right now….” [It explains the loud music in the background.] If that last line works, you might even get that bad debt erased from your credit history. Stranger things have happened at a lucky time like this.

Leo: Bubba got a new pickup truck last week. That, in and of itself, is not so remarkable. But he no sooner drove that truck off the lot than he motored right on over to the “Big toys for the big boys” aftermarket truck accessory place, and started bolting on more junk. He’s a got a roll bar which is now covered with lights. I’m not sure what he needs them all for, but that new truck can light up any given area better than a prison yard at night. The Texas Department of Corrections has nothing on this truck. Likewise, you’re lit up. Do something with that light, and make it useful for yourself. I’ve been trying to get Bubba to bring the new truck down to the edge of the lake, so he can shine that daylight out across the water, and in doing so, attract bugs who then attract fish. Hasn’t worked yet, but he’s still a little hesitant to park too close to the edge of the lake. But if you’re a little more willing to play, you’ll find that you can scoot up a little closer to the lake, and there you have it. Use your Leo light.

Virgo: There is always this one special Virgo, but she seems to get upset if we mention any names, so we won’t, but we’ll just wish that nameless one a happy birthday right now. No two ways about it, either, this is a party time for you guys, and that’s all of you, not just that special one in particular. But at least one of you will complain and claim that you don’t feel like playing and having a good time. Tough. Have some fun — that’s an order. Maybe if it’s put in terms like that, more as a direct verbal command, rather than leaving this open as an option, maybe that will help you celebrate some. You do need an excuse, and you can look at the Western sky, right at sunset, and there, just above the sun, there will be a bright little light. That’s Mercury, and he’s a great communicator. And he’s telling you to go and have a good time. So don’t worry about the details — they will sort themselves out in a little while. In the meantime, have some fun.

Libra: The problem is the math with this week. The good news is the weekend, but weekends are only two days long. The rest of the week has an additional five days to contend with. Set your sights on the weekend. Remember that one song, “Everybody’s working for the weekend”? Use that as a motivational device right now. The week itself isn’t so much bad as it’s pretty boring stuff. When the weekend finally rolls around, things seem to change in Libra land, and suddenly, there’s more than a bright spot, it’s party time, and you can play to your little Libra’s heart’s content. The problem is getting you to the weekend. Yeah, like I said, the numbers don’t look so good, not at a cursory glance. But in the long run, the rewards coming up? Those promise to outweigh all the little problems you have in getting to the weekend. So enjoy what comes your way, it will be fun.

Scorpio: One of the loneliest stretches of highway on this planet is out in West Texas. The horizon seems to curve, ever so slightly, and on a hot summer day, this one, lone blacktop piece of ribbon cuts through in a straight line to a lot of no where. There’s no place to hide, no place to run away to, no escape. It seems to stretch for miles and miles. To exacerbate this highway’s lonely feeling, there’s not much available on the radio, during the daytime. There’s one station, and it alternates between talk radio, country music, and stock reports. [“Stock reports” are about cattle and stuff — not about your Eastern, Liberal, stock market stuff.] And chatter about, “How we shore could use some rain, like they’re gettin’ elsewhere….” Ever been there? It’s between El Paso and Ft. Worth. The only form of a break on the horizon, something which is usually passed at 80 plus mile an hour, is a dead oil rig, sitting out there amongst the parched weeds. Every once in a long while, maybe, just maybe there’s a cow, but even those guys look pretty scrawny, not what would normally inspire an image of hamburger. So, stuck out there on this lonely Scorpio highway, what do you do? Take some music with you this week, and that stretch of Scorpio highway won’t be nearly so bad. Music is the answer to the question.

Sagittarius: Dog wisdom is important. No, really, as the common expression goes in my neighborhood, “This dog’ll hunt.” More important, when in doubt, bark. Even more important, always turn around three times before you lie down. Got that? You’re getting to a point where you could really use some rest, but like conventional dog wisdom implies, you might want to turn around three times before you get yourself comfortable. I know that you’re going to think that I’m suggesting you’re like a dog, but that’s hardly the case. What I am suggesting is that some of the behavior of a canine animal companion is worthy of both observation and imitation. You’ve been barking a lot lately, you’ve been raising dust, scratching at fleas and chasing the odd cat and opossum. You’re getting ready to rest, but like that one dog I know so well, you’ve got to do three laps around the place where you want to snooze. Go ahead, spin around it a little, maybe take a good sniff to make sure it’s all okay. Then get settled in and comfortable. It might take a little extra effort, but the results are well worth it.

Capricorn: I’ve got a friend who lives in an apartment near by. The apartments close to hers, not hers, but the ones which are right next door, they are what we would affectionately refer to as “low rent.” And each week, along with various coming and going activity, residents ostensibly changing locations and so forth, there is usually a couch by the dumpster. In fact, there’s usually several — old, worn out, sometimes a sleeper, sometimes a classic, but always on the way to the dump. And this provides a nice way to look at your week, see: those abandoned couches? They make a great place to lounge on a late summer afternoon, especially in the evening. As the nights feel like they may be getting a little cooler — it’s just an optical illusion — but as the evening sun slides down in the westward sky, as Mercury pops into sight, right after sunset, there is sense of well-being in Capricorn land. Don’t pass up a chance to relax some, even if it’s an abandoned couch.

Aquarius: You’ll look, at one point this week, you’ll look a lot like I do when I sit down every Sunday afternoon to compose a good horoscope for the coming week. You’ll get that quizzical little look on your face, you’ll get that amusing, almost reverent expression, a Zen moment, then you’ll furiously pound at the keyboard, or scratch away with a pen and ink. Then you’ll go back, look at what you’ve transcribed, decide that it doesn’t work right, and you’ll go back and cross out the stuff you’ve just written, and try again. This goes on for several hours. Finally, it will all come together, at some point, and that’s going happen during the next 7 {seven} days. Before I post another scope, you will have found that illusive muse, and she will deliver the goodies. Don’t lose that one moment of inspiration, you need to mine it for all its worth. I suspect, instead of writing horrible scopes, though, I suspect you’ll be writing a love note or two, to that special someone. Will it work out? I think so. Trap that muse and make her work for you — like I do every Sunday afternoon.

Pisces: “Any port in a storm,” is conventional, almost overused advice and observation. But the way I feel about the way you feel, it’s “Any scapegoat in a blame storm.” Sure, go ahead, blame me for writing a bad scope for you. That’ll work for the time being. Sure, it’s my fault. But I generally rely on the planets for such information, and my reliable planet indicator suggests the planets don’t much like you right now. So you can blame the planets, or blame me for using a convenient excuse like the planets, but there you have it. It just feels like there are one two many troubles which keep popping up with alarming frequency. If there was just a little less trouble, or if there were just fewer difficulties, of the minor kind, but if there was just a little less heat in the Pisces slice of the sky, then neither of us would be looking for a convenient scapegoat. Since some of these problems are of biblical proportion, then let’s use the old excuse Adam used, “Yeah, I ate the apple, but look: she made me do it.” Modify as necessary to suit the Pisces situations.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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