runtime: 9/3-9/2001
“Every man’s conscience is a thousand men.”
Shakespeare’s Richard III, V.ii.17

Conscience is a weird topic right now, but if you know enough Virgo’s, like I do, then you’d understand. This week should be dedicated to all of them, our collective conscience.

Aries: I know you’re feeling a little guilty about that thing at work, but I’m not going to tell and actually, I’m pretty sure the secret is safe. But I know you’ve got that guilty feeling this week, and you’re letting it get to you, and really, you shouldn’t. It’s not that big of a deal. Really. No big deal. Promise. It’s not a big deal. But you should take it a little easy on yourself. Seems like no one else appears to be looking out for you right now, and if it weren’t for me offering up some kind of encouragement, you’d feel like they were all out to get you. Whenever I use the term “they” it seems to conjure up every conspiracy theorist and conspiracy theory that there is. As a good Aries, you don’t normally buy into that stuff, but the way things have been going, you’re wondering if some that stuff is worthy of a second look. Now, don’t get freaky on me. And don’t worry about some of your past transgressions, either. None of this is nearly as bad as your mind makes it out to be. That’s the biggest problem right now, it’s your own brain. Maybe spend a little less time listening to it, and contact an astrologer fishing guide for a little help.

Taurus: You should see some of the Taurus e-mail I’ve been getting lately, terse, tight prose, not your normal Taurus way of communicating. Now, what I’m about to suggest is that you use some of the stellar influences right now, you put some of those rascally planets to work for you, and you sit yourself down in your favorite chair, and crack open the word processor and start working on that novel you’ve been meaning to write. In all honesty, only about two percent of you will really follow that advice and write a novel, but from the volume of spartan mail I’ve been getting from your portion of the sky, I’d suggest you use a few words. Try it. Worst case scenario, I wind up with a mailbox full of novel length e-mails Better be careful before you send that to me, I might use it next week, and wouldn’t that be embarrassing? So be careful where you send what you write, but a little extra time in the quiet confines of your own Taurus trailer, and little more work on your ideas helps refine a good product and turns it into a quality product worthy of the term Taurus.

Gemini: Remember when you tried to contact me last week? Remember how the mail/fax/phone didn’t work right, and in disgust, you slammed/deleted the message? You know that feeling of frustration you and I have both been feeling for the last month or so? You know that sense, that feeling we’ve shared that things just aren’t happening fast enough? Seems like everything is going backwards? Nothing is working quite right? It’s not all wrong, but you’re still about a step and half ahead of the rest of us. That’s the problem, you’re not synchronized. If you were just a step ahead, then it’d be okay, we could all trail right after you. But at times like this, you’re out of step — still ahead — but out of step. That’s the problem. Now, what can you do about this? Get in step with the rest of us? That would slow you down too much. I’d just suggest you try to double your pace. It’s a Gemini thing, you know the Twins, double, and so forth. But if you double the step and half, you wind up three steps in front, and suddenly, we can see it all, we’re all synchronized again, and everything works.

Cancer: “Good gracious! You don’t have to put it that way, now do you?” Sooner or later, probably later rather than sooner, someone will hit you with those words, or something that means about the same thing, and sooner or later, within the next few days or so, you’re going to be a little more direct, a little more crude, possibly rude, and a little more prone to be somewhat crass. Considering just exactly who I am, and what my hobbies, desires, and eccentricities are like, you’re not likely to bother me too much with the way you phrase your statement, demand, or observation. But not everyone will be as forgiving as I will. Not everyone will be amused. Some folks might be a little surprised to hear you say something just like that. I realize it’s good to occasionally shake them up some, sometimes it’s good to shock the system, maybe be a little unconventional, but if I were more Cancer like with my own chart, I’d be a little extra careful about the stuff that I say. Sure, we both enjoy shocking the status quo a little, every now and then, it’s just that you might leave an indelible mark, and that’s not always a good thing to do. So be a little careful before you drop that cerebral bomb.

Leo: I’m going to tempt the Fates this week, and I’m going to be a brave man. In fact, I might be considered a little foolhardy, which makes me wonder, is there such a thing as a big foolhardy? So, here’s what I’m about to do, I’m about to tell a whining, complaining Leo to shut up. “Shut up!” Got that? I know one Leo who will come out of her seat, maybe spew a little coffee across the screen of computer, and then pick up the phone to leave me a message about this. Cool your Leo jets for a minute. This is not bad, it’s just the rest of 11 lesser signs can’t seem to keep up with you right now. Listen, if we could keep up, we would, but your Leo magnificence is so far ahead of us, we are all hopeless when it comes with trying to catch up with what you’re saying. So if you would please, slow down. Maybe listen to our collective plea for help, instead of telling us way more information than we can use right now. Things are good for you, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell us all about it in glorious detail. Okay?

Virgo: I’ve got this one Virgo friend, and she always claims she is happy all the time, except of course, when she’s not happy. I would never, ever attempt to statistically analyze this, weighing happy and unhappy times against each other, but the ratio seems to be about 60/40. Or sometimes, it’s more like 30/70. Rarely, if ever, is it just 50-50. Now, with this sort of a set up, your Virgo worry gear is starting to develop a little tick, and you’re liable to get ticked off at me. Don’t. I’m just reporting the facts. Or facts and planets, as far as I can see them. Ms. Venus is busy stirring up some stuff in the sign which is in front of you on the zodiac wheel. “That’s not good, is it?” Well, it ain’t exactly, but then, with everything else, it’s not so bad. There’s one, rather uncomfortable blip on the Virgo radar screen, and it might be just that, a little blip, something which you go cruising right over. Or it might be some small deal you turn into a big deal. Choice is yours. But I would tend to look at it like this: 7 days in a week, one day will be less than wonderful the rest will be good. I wonder how those numbers stack up?

Libra: For one, brief, shining moment, all I can say is, “Welcome to my world!” You’ll look at me and tilt your head a little to one side, and and think, “Now what is that durn fool talkin’ ’bout?” Given that you’ve got Mercury in your sign right now, and given that Jupiter (rules Sagittarius) is in Cancer, and given that those two planets will make a pejorative angle to each other this week, and given that you’re mostly feeling good, anyway, and given that it’s usually Sagittarius that is the sign voted most likely to insert foot into mouth, given all these givens, then what? You’re more inclined to make a terrible faux pas, a terrible slip of the tongue, or, like me, you’ll be chewing on a size ten boot before the week is up. Now, there’s a unique quality which comes with this, an ability to say absolutely the best possible thing, only you’re inspired to say it at the worst possible time. So there’s that to consider, too. I’d just be careful about the week, and careful about what you say, and while I’m at it, I’d suggest you carry some kind of jelly, like I’ve suggested, “Welcome to my world,” and the jelly helps with the flavor of the shoe leather.

Scorpio: You’re wondering what the next big deal is going to be, and frankly, other than some minor stuff kicking around in the heavens, there are no big deals at this point, not for you. Nothing to worry about, at least not much. As soon as I commit that to print, as soon as this hits the web, though, no sooner do I suggest that there are no big problems in your corner of the sky, no sooner is that etched in stone, than I get one Scorpio who is determined to ruin my day. “See? See this? This is a big deal to me!” I have compassion for Scorpio. I have a great depth of feeling for Scorpio. I feel your angst. I feel your pain. But let the two of us face a few facts, it’s really not that big of deal, now is it? Does it really matter that much? Is it that important? I mean, I know it is to you, but to the rest of us? No, we just don’t see it the same way you do. Instead of trying to make us see it your way, how about just slowing down a little bit and trying to put whatever “it” is, try putting it in perspective, fit it into the grand picture. See? It’s not that big of deal.

Sagittarius: Look over your shoulder, my fine, Archer type of friend. Look back, just once this week, make sure that you can see a goodly distance when you do look back, and see just how far you’ve really come. You see, it’s been like this, you know, it’s been one thing, then another, and it never feels like you’re really getting anywhere, but then, if pause long enough to look back, if you check the Sagittarius boat’s logbook, and when you see those numbers right in front of you, then you’ll realize it’s been a mighty long and strange trip, and I’m sure you have some tales to tell. Or maybe it’s tails to tell about. Whatever works. Things ain’t too bad this week, and there’s a growing sense of calm and serene stuff floating your way, bit by bit. So stop, take a moment, look back over your shoulder, and see if you haven’t been down this road for a while, and see if it doesn’t look like you’ve actually covered some distance now. It’s all a lot better. I promise it is. Or it will be, pretty soon now. Like it’s almost there, or here, depending on your location, but it’s almost here. Get the picture? Stop, for just one minute — or two — or three — and reflect a little. You’ve made a lot of headway, but it might not feel like that right now. So stop and take stock.

Capricorn: I usually use a French Press to make my morning cup of coffee. The most difficult part of the process is boiling the water. And for that, I use an old fashioned tea kettle, one with a whistle on it. I can get so wrapped up in what I’m doing, I don’t hear the water boiling until that kettle is making a very irate sound which means the water is hot, and ready to be squeezed through the coffee grounds. In case you’re wondering, I prefer the really dark, oily beans, usually an Italian Roast, as it’s best. Most flavor, with a little set of oily bubbles on top of the coffee itself, just like a decent Espresso. But the thing is, times being what they are, and what with the approach of Mars towards your sign, he’s like my tea kettle, boiling away on the trailer’s stove. You can hear this insistent whistle, you can feel the internal pressure inside your own head, much like that tea kettle, and you keep thinking you’re supposed to get up and turn the stove off, just as soon as you can. Only, you can’t quite get to it until you’re good and ready. I’ve never seen a kettle explode. I doubt you’ll explode, either, but like that kettle, whistling away, something is making an irritating noise — and you need to attend to it right now. The outcome? Starting next week, it’s like a really good cup of coffee, freshly pressed through those ground beans.

Aquarius: In Texas, it’s hardly noticeable when this happens. The old saw is that we do have all four season, they just come a little different, there’s summer, then there’s December, January and February. See? Four seasons. But there is a slight shift in weather, and you’ll feel this, no matter where you are, because this is a shift in the astrological weather. Fall has arrived (sort of). Time to cool yourself off a bit, take it easy, and start looking around for what you’re going to need for that long sprint from here to the holiday season. It seems like it’s a long way off, but as a good Aquarius, it’s never to early to start a little nefarious planning of some sort. Yes, start by dragging out your calendar and seeing what you can do to get some plans in place for the upcoming season. I realize it’s like, way too early to really begin doing this in earnest, but you know, after what it’s been like as of late, it would never hurt to start looking at some long term stuff. Vacation plans, Party plans. Business projections. All of that could use a little extra consideration right now.

Pisces: There’s one day, and that one day which you’ve been waiting for, that one time you’ve been waiting for it to arrive, that one special day, it is finally here. Instead of any dire predictions, as you get closer and closer to the weekend, things in the land of Pisces get better and better. No two ways about it, and I will not brook any criticism from your camp about this. It will get better, it is getting better, or it is better already, those are the only options I’m leaving open right now. On the one hand, work has been troublesome, on the other hand, it is, oddly enough, looking up — like there might be a break, a chance for something to change, for the better. The love scene which has been a little questionable as of late, that looks good, too. If I were a gambling man, then I would bet on Pisces. Given my luck at the tables, though, and even though I should be lucky with ponies, I’m still trying to clear up a little debt to this one guy, and… maybe we’d better leave me out of this. But if I were a gambling man, my money would be on the Pisces pony to win, place or, at the very least, show. Starting some time this week.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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