runtime: 10/29-11/4
“The prince of darkness is a gentleman.”
Edgar in Shakespeare’s King Lear [III.iv.146]

We just thought it was so fitting for a Halloween time — that selected verse is meant as a small bit of humor for the upcoming week, not intended as a serious line. Of course, your mileage may vary — it’s certainly no reflection on any Scorpio’s we know. Jupiter begins to turn himself around — slow going there. Want to turn your luck around? Find the exact, correct source for the quote in the Aries scope, let the cat know what your best estimate is, and she’ll be the final arbiter on handing out prizes to the lucky winners, a free “FGS Planet Profile [abbreviated],” offer good via e-mail only. Reach the cat here. Be forwarned, cat’s are not as quick to answer e-mail as us regular office people.

Aries: I like this one oddball English poet [rumor has it he was an astrologer, too]: “Luck’s a gamble, but trouble’s sure….” Okay, sorry to introduce your week like that, but there’s this big celebration, Halloween, going on, and everyone seems to be making a big deal about it. Do like I do, I grab a cowboy hat [one of several], pull on a pair of boots [one of several], and call yourself a cowboy for the night. Takes care of few things, like worrying about what do for Halloween, and then you can always [around here anyway] just wear the same thing to the office the next day. Not a problem, looks like we do all the time. The fine line between fantasy and reality might be a bit blurry, but it’s not so bad. And if you choose carefully, you can always double up on what you’re going to use that costume for. Have a little fun, but remember, you might have to wear your costume to work one day. It’s that fine line, and trying to make the distinction can sometimes require too much mental horsepower, and frankly, you’ve got other fish to fry. Stick to the important stuff, the details will sort themselves out.

Taurus: Candy, treats, goblins and ghouls. Right. Whatever. Sure, it can be a fun time, but there are other, more pressing matters at this point, and I keep suggesting you stick to the stuff that is important. It sure helps to have some perspective, but with the Sun being in the sign which is opposite you, that might be a little hard to come by. And the other problem with Halloween? What happens around Shady Acres, we get all our trailers loaded up with about 18 bags of candy, and then there’s only a few kids who come by to get scared. Not really a big deal, and that means there’s about 17 pounds of candy left over. Now what is a good Taurus going to do with all that loot, as it were? Looking at the planets’ position, all I can suggest is that you don’t try to consume it all in one night. Not a good idea. Matter of fact, consider storing some of it for later. I have good trick I employ, I throw it in the freezer where I can forget about it for a few days, weeks, or even months at a time. Then, as needed, I can raid my supply for special occasions. Consider tucking something away for later, candy or otherwise. And don’t let the Scorpio’s bite.

Gemini: In my own, perverse way, I always tend to think of Halloween with its concomitant costumes and role playing as the ultimate Gemini time. Unfortunately, this is one of those years when the stars ain’t helping neither of us too much with the idea of fun and games, role playing, and acting out fantasies. Nope, not working at all. You’re feeling marginally better, but there is still this oppressive load of work that needs to be dealt with. What are you going to do about that? Costume tip, wear it to work, too, maybe all week long: go as a construction worker. Wear overalls, or jeans, with a streak of dirt on the front of the pants’ leg, a greasy white T-shirt, a blue work shirt, maybe even a hardhat. Perhaps add a tool belt to your ensemble, a hefty hammer, a big pair of pliers, a foot long screwdriver for delicate construction tasks — you get the image. I’ve got a screwdriver in my tool chest, the screwdriver is about two feet long, get one of those, I use it for prying stuff apart. Practice saying, “Yeah, I use this for the little things which need delicate adjustments.” Got this image? Wear real work clothes and look the part. It’s a much better fantasy than anything else right now, and that one tool? You might really need it.

Cancer: Have we had our little talk about the difference between big problems and little problems? Have we had our little chat about the what constitutes a large inconvenience, and what’s just sort of a minor irritation? There’s a part of the Cancer brain that is going to latch onto this idea, the difference between minor and major repair problems, and that part of the brain can get carried away with the problem thing, turning minor troubles into major troubles. Here’s a consideration from the ever considerate Fishing Guide to the Stars: don’t do it. Let it go. Minor troubles are just that, minor troubles. Step over them, step around them, avoid them, deal with them as you see fit. Just don’t have a fit. It’s like one morning, coming out and finding all the air had escaped from one of the tires on the boat’s trailer. No big, deal, there’s a spare. Alas, it was devoid of an adequate supply of air, as well. Troubled? Don’t be. It’s a little trailer tire, not like a monster truck tire, and you’ve got a bicycle pump that will let you put enough air in it to get on down the road to the filling station. So you’re a little late for the day’s activities? So what? You have a valid excuse. Now, don’t let one little problem become a whole bunch of troubles, got that? Just pump up the tire and remember to check the spare next time.

Leo: Ain’t nuthin’ quite as nice as the silky purr of a Leo’s voice, ain’t nuthin’ quite as seductive, neither. And that Leo voice is what rules. It’s your voice that will get you into, and out of trouble. Be careful about what you say, as it can come back to haunt you later. It’s like me, as a Fishing Guide to the Stars, when I make big promises about how many fish you’ll catch on one of my guided tours of the lake. I can promise a lot, but if the fishing deities, maybe Neptune himself, if the odds aren’t just right, and if the planets don’t comply, we come back with a lot of nothing, maybe a few little fishies, but nothing to write home about. Get the picture? You can win a lot with your statements, announcements, and whatever else you care to punctuate with your vocal sentiments, but be a little careful about making outrageous claims. I’m behind you on this, but be a little cautious when making claims you might be asked to back up. If you do decide to bluff, then be prepared to have your bluff called.

Virgo: When shooting a scene for a movie, or ‘made for TV’ movie, or even just a good video, one important shot is usually done from a dolly. Sometimes, this thing slides on rails, like a train, other times, it’s just an aluminum cart with big, rubber wheels. Ask anyone who’s ever worked in the film business, they can explain it all to you. So this week is like that dolly, too, as you make three steps forward, then, if you look at movie camera, it’s smoothly receding. Three steps forward, and back you go. Three steps forwards, and it feels like the Virgo Camera of Life is moving backwards at an alarming rate. Feels like you need one of those Fish Eye lens to see everything correctly. Looks like forward motion gets turned into some sort of backward spiraling sweep of the past. It’s just a predictable pattern right now, and you’re just a part of the larger scene. Enjoy that. Enjoy being a single character set in the larger tableau of life. Have fun with Halloween, then get ready for a big slide backwards — but remember: this is just a shot for cinematic effect. It’s a movie, not real life.

Libra: There’s a general groaning noise emanating from the direction of the Libra section of the sky. It’s not a big noise, just one of those typical, “ah geez, not again,” sort of noises. It’s not a complaint, well — maybe it is a complaint, but it doesn’t sound like one to me. It’s like there’s a little too much going on at home, so you go to the office. Then there’s a minor problem at the office, so you just chuck it all in for the week, and head home, but once again, there’s that problem at home which you escaped by going to the office. See where this is going? Around and around in a circle, getting a lot of places but not very fast. “Can’t you say something nice?” you plead. Sure. I could. But that would be misrepresentation of the truth. It’s not a single, big problem, It’s a series of little problems you put off for another day. Only, this week, all those days you put off all start to get together. Along the First of November — after you have an enjoyable Halloween — around the first of the month, then everything seems to slow down, and all those little difficulties you glossed over, all those niggling little problems you assiduously avoided, it all comes back to haunt you. It’s not bad, but you might want to leave a little extra time for tackling things you put off. “Yes, well, now that you mention that, I’ve been meaning to do that.”

Scorpio: In certain religions, it’s a most holy of weeks. In some of the older, more classical forms of religion, there’s two events coming along, maybe even three. There’s Halloween, derived from Samhain, then there’s the next day, the Day of the Dead (or All Saint’s Day, depending on which religion), and of course, there’s Ma Wetzel’s birthday. Any, all, or some combination of these events, along with a some other serious Scorpio birthdays mean one thing: party time. Dress up, act out a fantasy or two, have a good time. It’s cool, the weather’s nice, you can play some. Caution? Sure, use that inherent Scorpio Sixth Sense [there really should be a copyright and trademark symbol by the Scorpio Sixth Sense] to warn you about certain alley ways where you don’t belong. Stick to bright areas, let that old Scorpio Sun shine on you as much as possible. Celebrate in your fashion, as your Scorpio – religious [slash] ethnic [slash] or whatever – decrees.

Sagittarius: I had an editor once who was having a tough time with a relationship, and his problems infected my writing, and the term I used used was the “BBQ Pit of Love” and somehow, unbeknownst to me, that got changed to “The Mosh Pit of Love.” There’s a bar, in Dallas [Texas], which still — to this day — bears the imprint of my shoulder from a time when I was slam dancing. That’s what it was called before there were mosh pits. Now, let’s look at the Sagittarius chart for this week: Jupiter slows down, begins an annual apparent backwards motion. This can have a several effects, but the one I like is like my shoulder’s imprint still embedded in the plaster, up yonder in Dallas. The cautionary note with Jupiter’s motion, the problem here, is to be careful when that BBQ pit of love turns a little physical, and suddenly becomes a whirling, physically dangerous place. If you don’t tread carefully, too, you might wind up leaving a shoulder-sized imprint like I did. In good Sagittarius fashion, though, I’d bet that this was not an intentional thing. Maybe skip the dance club this week — the week’s frivolities are weird enough as it is.

Capricorn: How good are you at gambling? If you’re really good, if you really know what you’re doing, if you are willing to run the risk of financial ruin, then there is a long shot you can bet on. But if you’re like most of the good Capricorn’s who read this, then you know that one long shot is just that, you know that the odds are against you, and you know that placing a large wager on a thin chance might not be the best idea. My solution to your problem? It’s like the way I play the Texas Lottery: when the numbers are high, I buy one [1] ticket. Just in case. Never can tell. Just maybe. But buy one, single ticket. Matter of fact, from what I’ve been told, let the random number generator pick you a random set of numbers. Remember that this is a long shot, too, the chances of winning are astronomically high. Throw a little astrology in there, though, and the chances get a somewhat better. But it’s still odd luck, and the odds are high — against you. If you do win, I’m asking for a mere 1%, but I’m warning you not to place a lot of hope in a big win. Still, there will be one lucky Capricorn soon enough, and that’s the only one I want to hear from.

Aquarius: A waitress — new one at the diner — served me the other day, and she seemed mightily worried that she was not doing a good job. “I’m so sorry, I’ll get you some more coffee. Hibiscus Tea, too. I’m afraid I’m not doing a good job.” I inquired as to her birthday, such is my manner. Virgo. Figures she was worried that her service was not perfect. In my early morning fugue, I could have cared less, but it was important to her. But my breakfast experience is like your next few days, once we all get past Halloween; see: you’ll be mixing work [inquiring about a birthday and making an observation about such is work for me], with pleasure [having a solitary breakfast before the sun comes up so I can get to the lake to go fish.] In as much as a greater portion of my breakfast was really a work experience, something I do naturally, I should have written that meal off as a tax deduction. Knowing the tax examiner, though, I left that meal in the category of “food enjoyed before going to work.” [Non Tax Deductible.] Separate work and play right now. And even though the two do overlap, don’t try to claim too much play time as work time. More than one person will get upset with you.

Pisces: Come on now, everybody has a dark side. Everybody has a little touch of the Prince (or Princess) of Darkness in them. Maybe it’s not really the Prince — or Princess — of Darkness, maybe it’s just like good fog across the valley. In the fall, like this week in Texas, we get these cool nights and warm days, and right at sunrise, right when the boat should be hitting the water, right when the good fisherman should be up and tackling the fish, right when the most opportune time to fish strikes, all we really want to do is roll over in bed, and go back to sleep. You face a choice during the next few days. Either gather up your gear, force yourself out of bed, and get on out in the dew-laden, fog-encrusted morning, and do what you’re supposed to do, or stay home and sleep. But I know if you stay home, even though you’ll profess that you are well rested now, if you stay in bed, you’re going to miss some glorious opportunities. Now get out there and fish. Fight the gravitometric pull of the bed.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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