11.26.2001

for the week of: 11/26-12/2
“Wishers were ever fools.”
Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra [I.v.15]

Happy birthday to Kramer, wherein he claims he is 29. Not much belief is put in everything he says, not around here. Here’s the latest ad: “40 year old model, one owner, needs parts. Entertaining best offers.”

Aries: There’s a slow fizzle to the way this week gets started. Other folks are telling you how great it should be. Now, before you berate me too much, like I’ve suggested, this is a slow fizzle for starters then, suddenly, as the week begins to get itself hooked up and into gear, all of a sudden like, the granny gear in the Aries truck hooks up, the Aries motor churns out lots of torque, and the events in your Aries life all spring to life. Takes a little while. Doesn’t happen Monday morning. But shortly thereafter, as the winch begins to tighten up the tow chain on the front of your Aries life, you begin to feel the illustrious pull of the holiday spirit. It’s really quite infectious. It happens in the blink of an Aries eye. Suddenly, it gets hooked up and rolling. That slow fizzle turns into a bright, crackling noise, the slow start becomes a lot more fun as the week unfolds. Starts slow, finishes fast — like good BBQ.

Taurus: I keep hearing an echo in here, in the Taurus chart right now, and this is a familiar voice, sounds a lot like Slim Pickens, as a matter of fact, and he’s delivering a droll version of, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” [Slim was a Cancer, though, not a Taurus.] But the actor’s sign is less important, and the content of the message is more important. Communications just don’t seem to break on through to the other side. Depends on what you want to call it, but there’s a little bit of trouble getting your wonderful Taurus ideas across to the rest of us. You can freak out, you can worry about it, or your can just realize it’s probably us, and not you, and that’s the hint. Instead of repeatedly trying to get the information to us, just hit the “send” button, and worry no more. The “worry no more” expression is hard, but consider it like an Xmas card, you drop it in the mail, and then it’s no longer your problem.

Gemini: Ever get sucked into a big, black hole in the Gemini space-time continuum? Ever feel like you were happily bopping along down the street one day, when a giant chasm opens up in the sidewalk under your feet, and you suddenly get sucked in to this whirling mass of confusion? [You groan, “Not Mercury again!”] To a certain extent, the problem can be ascribed to Mr. Mercury, but he’s closely followed by Venus and the Sun, and might as well mix in a little Saturn while we’re at it. Now, this big, bleak, dark hole you feel like you’ve fallen into? It’s a temporary thing. It’s more like a short trip. “Right, more like a long trip off that short pier,” is what you’re thinking. Bear with me. It’s not hopeless, fruitless, or even useless. You are not without some fun stuff — problem being, you can’t see it. But as the Fishing Guide to the Stars, I can see it, and I’ll tell you to keep looking up — don’t want you to miss the fun stuff right now.

Cancer: Holidays are here, and it’s time for you to party with the best. The holiday cheer should be all around you by now — like my neighbor’s “surround sound” arrangement. There’s a really good event or two you can catch at this point, and even though you might not be sleeping as well as you like, it’s an excellent time to be as active as possible. We get these days in Austin, strictly speaking, this weather should be considered Fall Weather, but it’s more like spring, or even just late summer — cool nights, warm days, and even though the weather is subject to change, it’s still rather nice out. You may not live in Central Texas, along the edge of the Colorado River, in a trailer like I do, with a neighbor like mine, but that doesn’t mean the feeling I associate with this weather, that doesn’t mean the sense which comes with it, the extra spark you get, that doesn’t mean you can’t get out and enjoy it all. Have some fun, and if there doesn’t seem to be any fun on your own, personal Cancer horizon, then make some fun. The planets suggest you’re in for some good times, so get out and play. Work? Never mind that right now.

Leo: Your holiday mindset gets a thump upside the head. Not that there isn’t a girl or two who wouldn’t like to deliver the same thump upside my own head, but you get the idea. This occurs early in the week, and from then, there is a smoother and smoother pathway for the dear Leo’s. It’s a Mars thing, really, but once you get over that little knock to the head, once you get past that bump in your road, the recent events begin to take on a more benign glow. In other words, it’s getting better, plain and simple. Mars is just about done with his semiannual “Let’s mess with THE Leo’s mind” game, and once this is over, you’re a much better person. I know you were a good person to begin with, but Mars feels like it’s his sworn duty to fool around with your lifestyle every couple of years, and yes, that’s what he’s been doing. Now, the good news: this is almost over with. Yes. Really. It’s going to be a bright, new holiday season, and yes, your life will suddenly feel like everything got a little easier. I would consider it like an Xmas bonus, maybe coming a little early, like in the middle of next week. This week? Just don’t panic.

Virgo: There is a great Sagittarius Secret I’m willing to let you in on, a great way of coping which is handed from Sagittarius to Sagittarius, and then, in a blood oath, we’re sworn not to let any one else in on our secret way of coping with problems. Here’s the deal: act like you don’t care. Act as if it’s really no big deal. Act like it doesn’t matter. Act like, “Sure, whatever. No problem.” As much as you want to get worked up over something, as much as you are going to be presented with a problem which usually requires a good, little Virgo “freak out” panic attack. As much as you want to have a good little “omigawdwhatwillIeverdo” session, try the Sagittarius Way, the Kramer Way. “Oh, cool.” Or, “Wow, what a trip. Imagine that.” Practice these phrases, repeat as necessary. It’ll help your week. Promise.

Libra: Pa Wetzel is the Libra to follow. He doesn’t even start shopping for Xmas until after T-Day. Got that? No plans until then. Maybe an idea or two, but no real plans until after the big day. Consummate shopping skill set, too. Embrace that idea — no official Xmas shopping until now. In fact, you might just want to put off shopping a little longer, if you can. There’s been a little downturn in the Libra economic plans, and instead of engaging in retail relaxation, maybe just get a scrap of paper, and draw up a list, then go through and cross off the folks you can’t afford right now. You know, a nice Xmas card, maybe with a little folding money buried therein, maybe that would be a better idea. Or one of those nice $5 long distance phone cards, you can them down at the convenience store. Good for ten or fifteen minutes of communication. Maybe that would work. See how easy this getting to be? Trust your fishing guide buddy for gift ideas. And better yet, you don’t have to do anything right now — that might be the best part.

Scorpio: Kick you boots off, prop yourself up in front of a merrily burning little fire in the fireplace, and take it easy. The one holiday is over, and the next one isn’t upon you yet, and you’ve got what we like to call, “Breathin’ room.” Means you’ve got a break. You get a chance to prop yourself up in front of the fire, maybe drag out a book you’ve been meaning to read, maybe leaf through a magazine, maybe look over some catalogs, or let your fingers do the shopping on the net. One of those things. Any of those things. Okay, all of those things. Notice this is all home based behavior, a brief period of time for rest and relaxation. The mess from T-Day is cleaned up, and what’s left are some leftovers. Maybe another turkey sandwich. Sounds like a plan. You can worry about getting out in the madness with the holiday crowd later. Never shop today when you can always shop sometime like, I don’t know, maybe next week? Week after that? Put off your chores and rest: you’ve earned a good Scorpio resting time.

Sagittarius: Happy birthday to all those young Sagittarius types, as the birthdays seem to be the big focus right now. And do like I do — be a little nebulous about the exact day, and see if you can’t drag this thing out all week long. Works around here. Works for me. Might work for you, too. The week starts out a little rough, like your airport plans for travel have a hangover. No, you don’t have a hangover, the plans do. Or maybe it’s the person taking the tickets, or your travel agent, or maybe it’s just guy asleep in the bus seat in front of you, but it’s still a little problem. Hey, I travel a lot, I know how it is. And instead of getting bent out of shape because they lost your luggage, or you got stuck in that seat with the crying baby behind you, just be glad that baby is merely crying, and not crying and kicking, like last time. Plan for some extra time to get to and from wherever your plans take you. Enjoy the scenery. Be pleasant with the obviously “mentally challenged” ticket agents because they don’t understand how imperative your travel plans are. December first rolls on in, and it rolls on in with good news. Got that? And happy birthday.

Capricorn: Instead of evoking some tired, old country and western song, instead of working on a blues number right now, I was thinking more along the lines of some classical music. Especially one of those pieces with a lot of bass in it. You know, the string section made up of a lot of bass fiddles. Around here, my bluegrass buddies call it a “stand up bass.” I guess that’s because they have to stand up to play the bass fiddle. I was thinking though, more along the lines of an orchestra type of bass fiddle — maybe a cello or two — and light on the violas and violins. Why? There’s an ominous tone to a string a section just like that. It’s not the happy stand up variety. It’s a music which is filled with a certain dread. Now, if you can, you can approach this with a certain little Capricorn smirk. A certain little [evil] gleam in your eye. You know what’s up. You know what is coming. The music? This is just a tone for the times, not a long lasting piece. But like any good classical music, you have to hear it all the way through its first act, and that’s what the week is like. Hey, no napping in the audience.

Aquarius: You can get overloaded with worry, fear, dread, doubt, or you can embrace the holiday spirit, look Mr. Holiday in the eye, and say, “Fie, begone!” I would suppose a Victorian English accent helps with the comment, but it’s always worth a try. So early on, about the time Mr. Mars lines up with your ruling planet (Uranus), you hit the overload button. Once you get past this little planet dance, once those two get done “doin’ their thang,” once you get over the little hump in the road, then you’ll notice that you’re a lot less concerned with matters at hand. That overload of fear, worry, dread, doubt and concern? It bounced out of the back of the Aquarius pickup truck of life when you hit that bump. In my vehicle, it’s usually accompanies by a little rattle of worn shock absorbers, but once you’ve flown over the bump, like so much other trash left by the side of the road, your worries go away. In case you’re wondering, no I do not suggest you leave real trash by the side of the road, but your mental cares and worries? Those should be gone by the end of the week.

Pisces: Ever notice that there’s distinct and verifiable corollary between the amount of work, which needs to get done, and the amount of time required for your social life? It’s as if there malicious deity some place, a demon of schedules, a vicious spirit who wants to make sure that there is never enough time to get enough time for both worked into your life? And when the fun stuff starts, there is always that beck and call from work. And while work is heating up in a good way right now, there is also a lot of stuff happening on your social calendar. I have a solution: drink a lot of coffee. I prefer the dark roast, something like the Italian Espresso Bean, dark and oily — and loaded with caffeine. Makes for a great early holiday gift for your Pisces self. And it gives the requisite fuel to get everything done that you desire to get done. Well, just about everything. Looks like there’s a not a lot of time scheduled for sleep, but other than that, you’re fine. No, really, you’re doing good. [Unless, of course, you like that terribly “not-macho” flavored coffee stuff, like the Swiss Chocolate Mocha Almond Joy. Whatever you see in that coffee, I could never figure out.]

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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