For the week of: 12/10-16
“Humor doth double, like the voice and echo, the numbers of the feared.”
Shakespeare’s Henry IV, Part II [III.i.97]

Eclipse in Sagittarius — an eclipse is when the Sun gets in the way of the Moon or vice versa. And in an astrology chart, the Sun represents one’s basic self whereas the Moon usually represents the emotional side. The eclipse pattern starting this week, in Sagittarius, is going to start an 18 month cycles of these things. No whining. The companion eclipse, though, is still back in Capricorn, and we’ll get to that, a little later. A little Sagittarius humor would go a long way to making this one feel a little less rocky. [Maybe look for some stray meteors, too.]

Aries: This is a good time to be secretive. Be as secretive as you can be. Be as hidden with your resources as you can be. Reveal nothing. You might want to work up a maniacal laugh, to go with the attitude. Look: it’s the holiday season, but there’s a little disturbance in your own, Aries world, and that suggests it’s a good time to act nefarious. You might not be up to anything at all, but you can act like you are. Of course, I tend to act like I’m doing some stealth shopping for friends at a time like this. When you get asked, “Hey, what are doing?” Do like I do, hide your hands behind your back, and look as innocent as possible. “Me? I’m not doing anything….” You get the picture, now try to carry this off as best you can. You’re going to find that people automatically assume you’re up to something, even when you’re not. Go ahead and act the part — it fuels their need for drama.

Taurus: We can look at this coming week one of two ways: if it’s love you need to know about, maybe just drop me a note, and we can discuss it over a cup of coffee someplace. I wish I had more free time to listen to the trials and tribulations of the Taurus love life, but there might not be enough space to discuss what’s going on. The other attention getting option for this week has to do with how you spend your hard earned Taurus dollars. I buy a lot of my air travel online because it’s simpler, easier, and I don’t have to worry about any messy face to face discussion about why I’m going to such strange places, i.e., California or West Texas. Or even New York City. The other advantage to buying online is that I can always hit the “reset form” button and erase all my plans, only to start over. That’s not such a bad idea, especially for you, right now. Maybe think two or three times before you make the big holiday purchase. If you wait a little while, you might find it less expensive some place else, then you can send me a portion of what you save, and we can do that reading about the love life thing. Sounds like a plan.

Gemini: After watching astrological cycles for many, many years, I’ve determined that there is another, outside source which needs to be reckoned with at a time like this: holiday marketing. For one reason or another, holiday marketing seems to pull at the heart’s strings, tug at your tender emotions, and occasionally, you get one of those commercials that just causes you to well up with tears. Isn’t that just so sweet? Get over it. Don’t fall for the hype. Don’t buy into the message that you need to spend more, right now, in order to have a happier holiday. If you are going to spend more, maybe send a little bit of it my way, I could use it. But the real point has nothing to do with holiday marketing, it’s just that your emotions are going to be a little more open due to the Sun and Moon thing, and as long as feelings are a little more tender, you might be motivated to make an ill-timed decision. On certain occasions, no action is the best action. If I were more Gemini, I would be putting off any big decisions for a later date — it’s that simple. Don’t let the hype and the prevalent feelings override your good judgment.

Cancer: The majority of the scopes written for times like this assume that you have a normal job (whatever that is), and these scopes assume that you go to work at an office, work for 8 [eight] hours, and then you are off. But most of the good Cancer types I know, they don’t do things like everyone else. There are the waiters, the bus boys, the cooks in the fancy restaurants, the clerk at the mall, and all these service industry people are pulling down extra time right now, bankrolling some cash, just in case. In case of what? Doesn’t matter. It’s time to be working overtime, extra time, swing time, whatever time, and you should be concentrating on work. “But there’s a holiday on!” Right. “And we’re in a recession!” Sure. No one knows that more than me, but that shouldn’t stop you from putting in some extra long hours. Look at this way, the holidays are always going to be there, but this nice window you have for some financial windfall through your hard work, this doesn’t last very long. You can always settle up with me after the first of the year.

Leo: There’s some song that has lyrics which deal with a total eclipse of the sun. Look it up, it might make you feel better. And then quite worrying about the little details — the worst thing you can do right now is try to control a situation you have no control over. Not that such a challenge has ever been overlooked by a good Leo, but let’s face it: if they won’t do what they’re supposed to do, don’t you be wasting your precious Leo time on trying to get them to do whatever it is that they’re not doing. You can try and do it all yourself, but that’s a lot of work, and besides, you should be having some fun. No, really, you deserve a little holiday attention. Either someone will come along and offer to help you out, or you have to do this on your own, but one way or another, you need to make it happen. There’s a surprise waiting, and to me, it looks like a good one. But this is like trying to guess what’s under the old Xmas tree for you. I sometimes poke holes in the packages just to scare folks and let them think whatever is in there might be alive. Don’t be fooled by such a ruse.

Virgo: There’s this one Virgo, and I used to be her favorite. I used to be pretty high on her list of people to know. I used to be pretty popular with her. And that’s all gone by the wayside now. I’m on the bottom of her list of lists. I’m dirt. I’m lower than the bottom of the ocean. The Inferno has had a new, lower ring added to it, just for me. Feeling sorry for me yet? It was worth a try. Problem is, Mr. Mars is now in the sign which is on the other side of the wheel from you, and that means you’re in a highly excitable state. Between the location of all the planets in mutable signs — not really a good place — you’re just not very happy. You can make the most of this, but I’m not sure what you’re going to do with it all. Just about everyone wants your attention, and it all seems like you’re getting pulled apart. Then that pesky, Sun/Moon thing, and who knows what’s going on? The planets have conspired to put a lot of pressure on you. Work fast, work furiously, blame the astrologer (at least that one Virgo does), and did I mention work? The more time you concentrate on work, the better off you are. It’s a weird week, and I’ll accept the blame for it, if you really must.

Libra: It never hurts to have a good excuse ready. I’m not saying that you will really need one of my handy excuses, but it never hurts to have disclaimer at hand, especially right now. “I was: 1] out of town 2] preoccupied 3] at the dentist’s 4] at the doctor’s office 5] busy” — or some of my personal favorites; “6] I didn’t know she was married 7] she told me she was over 21.” Use as needed. Perhaps work one or more up into a routine. Insert your favorite excuse. Dress that excuse up some. Maybe put some red and green ribbons on the excuse. You’re getting the idea, right? It never hurts to have an alibi, even if you don’t think you’ll need it, it just never hurts to have a ready excuse at hand. I’m a professional astrologer, so I can always blame the planets, but I’m not sure that will work for you. Besides, you might never need that excuse in the coming days, but it never hurts to be prepared.

Scorpio: After I’ve used the “Xmas lights all year” analogy, I’m out of decorating tips for you guys. But decorating is what you should be doing. Now, this can be decorating in literal sense, or it could be in figurative sense. Maybe there’s something that needs your fine Scorpio hand, maybe there’s something which requires your expert guidance. I can see Ma Wetzel now, the good Scorpio that she is, guiding some particular person, “No, a little to the left, a little more, there you go, no, move it back to the right some, almost, now some to the left….” The person being guided might become exasperated by this sort of back and forth movement, but when it comes to the absolutely perfect placement, no one knows better than a Scorpio, and particularly now, this is especially true. The deal is, not everyone wants to listen to you, nor will everyone seek out your expert guidance. If they do, however, then it’s time for you answer their cry for help. Guide away, if you’ve been asked. Remember: they have to ask for help, first.

Sagittarius: I worked in a remote venue one time, in the far flung reaches of West Texas, out there where even the coyotes don’t bother trying to find anything to scavenge because there’s just not a lot of anything. At all. And when I was booked into this place, I got a top billing. I was excited because I’ve never been a headline act. Don’t think I’ll ever headline in that town again, either. The turnout was bad. I think the whole town showed up, but 17 people is not exactly the kind of capacity crowd I’m used to. Get the hint with the direction of this scope? Sometimes, even when your name is up on the marquee in big letters, sometimes, even when you’re the big name act, sometimes, things just don’t work out the way you’d like them to. Now, I could’ve packed it in, and called it night, but for that sell out crowd of 17 people, I did my best. In the same situation, during the next few days, even if something doesn’t live up to your expectations, do your best. On down the road, this week will come back to haunt you. Depends on how you handle those expectations, now doesn’t it?

Capricorn: You know that the King was Capricorn, right? Good enough. Got that one out of the way. You know that I really do like Capricorn’s, don’t you? I do. No, really. And with me suggesting all these nice things, you also figure that there’s a shoe about to drop, or worse, it’s my other cowboy boot about to drop. Well, there is that. You see: things are good, but they aren’t good enough. They will be. Shortly. Soon. Almost but not quite. Catch the drift here? There’s a massive pile up in the sign which precedes yours, and that big pile of planets means there’s good stuff, headed your way, only, it’s not here yet, and it’s not going to get here during the next few days. C’mon, work with the central metaphor of the season, it’s Xmas time, right? And like a pile of packages under the tree, you know there’s something good, waiting for you. You can shake and rattle the packages, but opening your gifts early is considered poor form (and I don’t care what tradition you follow, it’s still called, “poor form.”) So be a little patient. You can be a little expectant, too, but be careful. Just around the horizon, it’s coming soon. Promise.

Aquarius: Caught the fever yet? No, I’m not suggesting something which has to do with physical health, I’m suggesting something which is more like a fever in the air, a feeling, the sentiment which goes with the holidays, that fever. I believe the correct expression is “fevered pitch,” but I’m not sure it’s caught up with you just yet. In Texas, at least, where I live in Texas, Xmas lights have little to do with certain holiday as we consider the lights to be a year round form of decoration. Since you’re not from around here (only one of my neighbors really reads my column, and he just reads it to see what I say about him), then it’s time to consider stringing up some Xmas lights. Now, here’s the tip: consider leaving them up. That makes the stuff you put up right now, all that hard work, it’s not just for a short holiday season — you can leave it up all year round. So as you endeavor to brighten somebody’s day, consider that you’re doing something which might last a long time, not just the short stretch of holidays we’re all facing.

Pisces: Mars is sometimes an aggressive planet. Pisces, on the flip side of the old coin, is somewhat more inclined to be a peaceful, gentle sign. What happens when these two opposite forces align with each other? What happens when Mr. Mars and his aggressive energy is face to face with the gentle, kind and ever benevolent sign of Pisces? Did I mention that Pisces is our favorite Mutable Water Sign? Just thought I’d throw that in here, along with the scope. Back to Mars. He gives you drive, energy, that ubiquitous “get up and go” stuff which is nice. The problem is, sometimes, he gives you so much you don’t know what to do with it all. Any kind of physical sport is good. Around here, at the right time, shopping looks lot like football, and we wonder if shopping qualifies as a blood sport. Hope this gives the fine Pisces some ideas on what to do with Mars.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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© 1993 – 2022 Kramer Wetzel, for astrofish.net &c.

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