For the Week of: 12/31/2001-1/4/2002
“All that glistens is not gold;
Often you have heard that told.”
Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice [II.viii.65]

How we love a party. And take note. This will be a farewell to the Monday Morning column. Starting next year, the publication date shifts to Thursday morning. I haven’t had a weekend off in seven years, and I’m looking forward to not riding herd on the guys in the back room, checking and rechecking all their material on Sunday night. Look at the upside: a nicer astrologer, and a new scope, fresh, on 1/3/02.

Aries: Ready to launch a new year? If you’re like me, and I wish I had some more Aries floating around me right now, then you’re more than ready to get this off to a good start. The problem is the voice in the back of your head, that little voice you keep hearing the one that suggests that you’re not good enough, that little voice which says, “It’s not enough, you could do better.” Since this is supposed to be time to party and get down, tell that little voice in your head to shut up. That’s pretty simple stuff, and I wish it were always that easy. But if you just ignore the little voice that seems to be telling you that “it” is not good enough, then you’ll be in a better place. Hey, this isn’t like it’s something new, or it’s not like it’s something we don’t all face from time to time. But how you deal with it is up to you. “Just can it, yeah, you, just shut up,” is a good term to use on yourself right now. Go have some fun, and remember the party isn’t over at midnight, no, it’s just beginning….

Taurus: New Year’s Eve falls on a Monday. To some this would be a bad indication that we’ve got a whole year starting out on a Monday. For others, like your Taurus self, this means we’ve got a whole week to play. See: your own, personal astrology chart looks pretty good about now. As I’ve often suggested before, when it comes to pleasure, Taurus is all business about what feels good. The big New Year holiday should get you off on a good start, and it should also be a party that just keeps on going and going and going, By Wednesday or Thursday, you should still be wearing a little paper party hat, screaming out, “Happy New Year!” to anyone who is within hearing distance. While this doesn’t get any work done, it is a good excuse to take the rest of the week off, because, after all, the week starts out on a party note and therefore, it only logically follows, it should end of party note, as well.

Gemini: One Gemini doesn’t like me, but even that one Gemini still reads this weekly screed, and let’s me know that part of the Gemini psyche finds what I write relatively accurate. Party is the central theme for the week, but I’m going to suggest that there’s a problem with this theme. Not over all, just in part. Problem being, that recurring theme set upon you by Mr. Saturn, and his little thing about work. So play some, but plan on working some, too. Doesn’t do one little bit of improvement for my popularity poll in the Gemini index, but you can have it both ways, seeing as how you’re the sign of the Twins and all. And that one Gemini will come around, and suggest I get a life, but you know, the work stuff is important right now. I’d suggest you go easy on the libations Monday night as Tuesday morning, and from there on out, there’s a whole new world waiting for you to conquer it.

Cancer: Good things are in store for this next year, and it’s all going to get started pretty soon. How soon is “pretty soon”? That sort of depends on your individual chart, but before this next month is up, you’ve got a big boost swinging down out of nowhere to help you along. Now, what’s that got to do with this week? This period of time between now and the next good Cancer horoscope from headquarters here? There’s an extra special emotional component, courtesy of Miss Moon (she’s in Cancer) for the big party on Monday night. After that, it’s all sort of stuck in holding position, a place where you can see the changes you want to make, a place where you can almost touch the changes, but you can’t quite get to them just yet. Patience, for the rest of the week. Do like I do, feign that you are nursing a hangover, and put off trying to get it all done right now.

Leo: “I take the morning paper from the top of stack, I read the situation from the front to the back, The only thing that’s open takes a man with a knack, so put it right back in the stack, Jack,” [Louis Jordan’s “Choo-choo Ch’Boogie,” Asleep at the Wheel, CBS, 1974] It was the last line of the refrain which caught my attention, Now, if you’re like me, you’ve seen “The Wheel” about a 14 dozen times, all over town. The original piano guy with them is a Leo, too. The deal is this: if it doesn’t work, if you read the situation from the front to the back, and it takes a certain knack you lack, then skip it. Just put that news back on the stack, like the song suggests. New Year’s is always a little weird in the Leo camp, so don’t worry about the stuff which you don’t have any control over. News which doesn’t work for you? Don’t worry about it. Put it right back in the stack, Jack. Like the song reminds us.

Virgo: By now, you’re tired of me going on and on about Mr. Mars and whatever it is that he’s up to. Yeah, I know, but I’m just the astrologer who writes this stuff, don’t be blaming me for what the planets do. And Mr. Mars, his type of energy, it can be useful, you just have to figure out where you want to direct your wonderful, beautiful, perfect Virgo energy. Concentrate. I have tattered photograph, a picture of me in front of the logo for the Odessa Jackalopes Professional Ice Hockey team coliseum. Pretty cool, until you start to consider the absurdity of an ice hockey team at the northern edge of the Chihuahua Desert. But the team is popular, and the real absurdity is that picture was taken in the middle of a long, hot summer. Likewise, you’ve got rather absurd quality of your life you’ve been thinking about, and you can do something about it, thanks to Mr. Mars. What the heck, it’s the first of the year, start out fresh — even if it seems a little absurd. Like ice hockey in West Texas.

Libra: I’m losing popularity with the Libra faction of the zodiac. Seems like one twelfth of the population is not fond of me, my weekly prognostications, or, for that matter, with the way things are working out. See, the deal is this: it’s supposed to be a party, party weekend. It’s supposed to be really good. It’s supposed to be fun and stuff. “Party – party, yeeehaw!” Sure. Now, turn your attention back to the books. “What!” is the exclamation instead of a question. Sure, see: you can get ahead right now, if you use this properly. Harness that fun stuff, put it in its place then get on after the career stuff you’ve been meaning to do. Won’t make me popular to talk about work giving you a break this week, but if you’re willing to give a little effort, you’d be surprised how easy it all gets done.

Scorpio: I was trying to come up with succinct, easy-to-remember word for your next few days. Try this one: good holiday. Easy to remember, and while I didn’t manage to get all down to just one word, I still feel like I did pretty good job. It means you, in case the meaning seems a little too obtuse, it means you’ve got a good holiday coming along. And this holiday? It doesn’t stop with the New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day party. It just keeps on going. I’d take this as a hint, maybe as an excuse, to get out and play some. Whatever it is that you’re planning on doing, do it up right, and keep on doing it, the rest of the week. It’s that simple. Good stuff, just up ahead for Scorpio’s. Who says I never write a good prognostication for Scorpio? [Ma Wetzel says that, why, just last week, she read the Scorpio scope, and then looked at me, over her glasses, Scorpio suspicions prickling, asking, “That’s nice. So what do you want?”]

Sagittarius: Living in a trailer park has its anomalies. Young and old, rich and poor, usual boundaries, and demarcations between social classes just don’t seem to apply around here. Shady Acres is made even better than most because it’s in South Austin, yet it’s also close to the State Capital. Okay, why all the seemingly useless details about this? Crossing lines, crossing apparent barriers, seeing past differences and finding the common ground, that’s the theme to start out the new year. Put the usual differences behind your Sagittarius self, and get on with it. It’s going to be a better year, and there is a little surprise you’ll appreciate coming along before this new week, the first one of the new millennium, is up. Good surprise, not like that ex-significant other’s little thing [happened to me last week].

Capricorn: Did I ever explain why I love Capricorn’s so much? It’s that funny, acerbic, off-the-wall, weird, strange, funny, bizarre, oddball, did I suggest funny? That Capricorn way of looking at things. And while everyone else is consumed with parties, plans, and so forth, not to mention New Year’s Resolutions, you guys are just having a grand old time. Period. Party, play, do what you want. In fact, you’ll be spending a portion of this week commiserating with others, but you know what? You do that so well. You’ll rescue a despondent friend or two, and even feel good about doing it. It’s weird times, and some one else’s misfortune is hardly a way to celebrate, but you do feel good doing a good deed or two. Don’t pass this one up, you guys are hot right now. Use that wonderful Cap humor to cheer us up.

Aquarius: You are the stuff of legends. Use it. If you don’t plan on throwing a huge party, then plan on attending one. Personally, I’d prefer it if you did host the party [be less clean up work for the rest of us], but if that’s not the case, then plan on getting some chores down around the house as the week gets older, even though it’s the first week of the new year and all that. This is the time to clean out the closets, time to really throw away all that stuff you’ve been meaning to get rid of, time to get after the list of new year’s resolution, give that list a long, hard look, and consider what you can change to make everything better. I’m also talking about “considering” — maybe action itself isn’t called for just yet. Party with the best, then get after the nuts and bolts of real life just as soon as you can. And I’m sure your party for the New Year will be the stuff of legends.

Pisces: Watching the variations on a theme, there are a variety of country and western dance styles. There’s the “gallopers,” the guys who literally run their partners around the floor at double-time. Then there are the pumpers, the guys who treat their partners as a pump jack, and there’s a drought going on. Up and down goes that arm. Then there’s the headlock variation. I’m not too fond of this one, myself: The leading partner (90% of the time, it’s a “he” with a cowboy hat on), and the leading dancer has a hammer lock head lock, reminiscent of Saturday night wrestling, on his partner, and he’s navigating the floor at his own pace. Which one are you this week? Gentle Pisces is warmed up by Mars, and the odds are on that last variation, the headlock dancer. “Lead or follow, but you will dance,” is the simplest way to put it. I suggest you get a good grip on your partner for the week, and show them how it’s done.

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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