Fishing Guide the Stars
by Kramer Wetzel
“Your heart’s desire be with you!”
Shakespeare’s “As You Like It” [I.ii.188]
If you’re like me, then you’ve missed the bulk mail deadline for Valentine’s Day. But that doesn’t mean that the regular deadline is over, yet. And what are you going to do for this year’s weird celebration?
Valentine Cards are popular this year? Want to mail one to the Fishing Guide to the Stars? Postal Mail only:
Fishing Guide to the Stars
1712 E. Riverside Drive
Suite 142
Austin, TX 78741
Aries: I was looking for that one Valentine’s card, that one card with the right sentiment. I never did find it, but I found some that were pretty close. “Nice girls don’t go all the way on the Valentine’s Day,” said one card, and inside was a suitably short, pithy comment. Now, Mars is in your sign, as you’re more than aware of, and Mars is doing weird things to you, that would be weird in a good way — at least I hope so. And the whole thing about the big celebration is still a a few days away, but there is no time like the present to think about this sort of thing. Get the picture? Get out your little black book, or your little digital PDA, and sort through the addresses. Next thing: go and look for some of those funny Valentine’s cards. It’s Mars, see, and he’s got you wound tight. Do something with that pent up energy. A goofy yet sincere gesture is a nice way to start. Make the most of Mr. Mars right now.
Taurus: I still remember the scene: there was group of us, and I had been working all day, had all that work ethic energy flowing through me at the moment. What that amounts to, really, is I’m nothing more than a bundle of nerves, not going anywhere real fast. You will find yourself in much the same way — keyed up, worked up, driven and distracted — but, there doesn’t seem to be a good outlet for this energy. We were all tucking into our chicken fried steaks, a suitable repast for a situation like this, and we were all just settling in for what should have been a nice meal. Suddenly, one individual notices that the serving guy filled out his jeans in the most satisfying manner. This is where it all gets embarrassing for me. My friend had her purse in her lap, and she began to fidget, snapping the straps in an authoritative manner, almost menacing. In fact, one fellow with us was rather distracted. The waiter? He was oblivious. In this scene, coming up, you’re in the same situation. But which player are you? Snapping the straps on your purse? The guy with the nice whatever in the jeans? The upset and distracted dining companion? Or are you like me, too hungry to be much more than amused by the whole scene? You can be more than one player this coming week, you know, none of these roles are etched in stone.
Gemini: I’ve got a special Valentine’s Day hint for my Gemini friends: buy in bulk. No, I’m not kidding, I’m serious about this. What you do is go to the stationary store, card shop, even a drug store, and buy a box of the same Valentine’s card. Same card, maybe a dozen or two dozen of this one card. It all says the same thing, same hearts and flowers on the cover, same little Cupid (how I hate that guy), same insipid message. There’s a reason for this: you’re sending the same card to a lot of different people. I call this the “shotgun approach.” And this doesn’t have to apply just romance, either. You’re Gemini, you can do three things at once, apply this to your particular situation. The reason behind getting the same card for everyone is so that you don’t have to remember the individual notes, what was on the card, or anything like that. It’s an old trick, out of my book of tricks, but you’ll find that buying in bulk, and then using the scatter gun approach is best right now. Cover as much area as possible with each shot.
Cancer: Shakespeare wrote a bunch of sonnets, mostly love sonnets, and mostly all directed at one mysterious woman. I’m not about to argue the scholarship behind these claims because, frankly, after a while, scholars arguing about who Shakespeare really was, and who the target of his affections were in the sonnets, plus notes about the language used, it all gets rather tedious. But you might want to consider looking up some of the sonnets, and you might want to consider scripting up your own sonnet. See: sonnets are pretty tricky in construction, so many lines, and certain lines have to rhyme with certain lines, and there’s a pattern to it all, and then, there’s always the nice, closing couplet at the end. See? It’s almost baroque in fashion. Pretty complicated for just a 14 line poem. I once kicked around the idea of doing a set or weekly scopes in sonnet form, but that got to be way too much. I never made it past the water signs. The reason for all this information is that you need something complicated yet simple for the romance sector in your life. I’ve tried to avoid this, but there’s no way around it. Complicated, but simple. Maybe simple in execution, but complicated to come up with? You get the idea. Try to write a sonnet.
Leo: I have to deal with people who spend a lot of time tying to debunk astrology. Fine, so astrology, as an intuitive art form, doesn’t work for them. But there are few things that I do know. Some of this stuff does work, and it does have an impact on my life. Could be because I’m sympathetic audience, in the strictest of terms. Or it could be because I’ve seen this stuff happen, time and again, and even though I don’t want to believe all the time, I do. I’ve seen evidence that it works. Now, I know Leo is having a bit of tough time, and I know you’re a little worried about the big romantic holiday. What I want to do is draw your attention away from Romance, away from Cupid’s stupid little arrows and their pierced hearts , away from the notion that this romance stuff is important right now, and what I do want to draw your attention to is what you do to earn an income. It’s pedestrian, boring, and not what you want to think about right now. But bear with me, a little on this, and turn as much attention to work as you can right now. Get that magnificent Leo brain off the romantic crud, and get to work. You get a chance to set a shining example of how it should be done — at work — and this is more important than anything else. Next week, before the big day, we’ll have more information about that giddy romance stuff you’re beginning to feel, but for right now, concentrate on work.
Virgo: I got this one card, it was a picture of cute angel with a little red Cupid’s bow and arrow, and it had a comment on the cover about “I’m aiming for your heart,” and the inside comment was something about hitting another part of the anatomy. That’s you, right now, just like that little cherub with his wings, bow and arrow. In fact, in a nod towards good tastes and style, the little Virgo cherub (supposed to be Cupid, but let’s get real here) is wearing a red bow tie. The problem is that the cherub on the card is not wearing much else. How these little angels get away with flitting around with no clothing whatsoever, unless you count the tie, how they get away with all that is beyond me. Or how they get away without all that, I guess would be the correct way to suggest the expression. One has to be as correct as possible for Virgo. Now, back to the cherub with the red bow tie and no clothing: that’s your goal, just about any day now, to use your Virgo charms on us, use that charm, and the way you can move that virgo body. In fact, the cherub is aiming for the same thing you should be aiming for. Heart would be nice, but if you show up with just that bow tie, and not much else, while you might not win any hearts, you’re bound to win some kind of a prize. That’s good enough for now.
Libra: You either love me or hate me, but it doesn’t look like there’s much middle ground in the way your next few days go. It’s one or the other. If you’ve got one of those little tasks that you put off for a while, then I’m at the bottom of your list because I didn’t remind you that you needed to accomplish that goal before now. On the flip side of this, if you did what you were supposed to do, then you are right at the zenith, and I’ll be at the top of your list. Bad news: you missed the bulk mail deadline for Valentine’s cards. Good news, you don’t have that many cards to send, and you can still get them all in the mail by this weekend. There’s also a growing sense of satisfaction at this point, and while it’s not as pronounced as the good news/bad news thing you’ve got going on, there’s still a little reminder that there is hope just up and over the next horizon. Now, much as I would like, I can’t make Mr. Mars move any faster than he already is moving, and I can’t do anything about the stuff he stirs up. But the little red planet on the opposite side of the zodiac from you isn’t all bad. He does impart a certain amount of frenetic, kinetic energy. Use this. If you can use this extra dose of energy correctly, then I’ll wind up back on your good list, and you’ll have a very productive weekend.
Scorpio: The last time I got a card from a secret admirer, I was sorely tempted to turn the card over to the local authorities because it scared me. You’ve got just such stuff going on right now. No, you don’t have the secret admirer, you are one. There is a longing , an aching in your Scorpio chest cavity, your real desire is to send an anonymous note to someone you’ve been yearning to spend time with. You know, it’s great to get a dozen roses, from some unnamed source. But there’s also a problem with this sort of action, to the wrong recipient, that person could consider this an action which might necessitate a retraining order. Not that I know anything about this myself. So you’ve got a very fine and delicate line to tread right now, and your challenge is how to send that anonymous note without it being too Scorpio in flavor. In other words, leave a forwarding address. If you send flowers, “from a secret admirer,” then make sure the florist and the delivery guy has your real name and address. Make sure you can be traced. No one is as good as a Scorpio for covering their tracks, but this is a time you want to make sure that leave a trail which leads, unmistakably, right back to you.
Sagittarius: One of the best, most Sagittarius Valentine’s card I’ve ever stumbled across was a simple note, “Romance is overrated, let’s get naked.” I wanted to buy it in a large quantity, but there’s a problem with that, too: what happens when some of the recipients start to compare notes? I get in trouble. In the worst way possible. The funny thing is, right now, romance is not overrated. The problem? While you’re feeling your Sagittarius best in the romance department, the person [or persons, it’s a Sagittarius thing] on the other end is not feeling so moved by your romantic gesture. Moved? Yes. Romantic? No. There is a feeling, which is kin to romance, that your significant other, targets, whomever, are feeling towards you right now. In some situations, you would like a like a little romance. But like that special card I found, maybe romance is overrated. You might want to be a little more willing to follow the lines of the card.
Capricorn: I know this one Capricorn who got really tweaked about a special someone in her life because that special someone was doing his dead level best to make sure that the Capricorn didn’t feel all that special. Now, when that happens again this weekend, don’t panic. You know you’re special to me. That’s all that really counts, right? I can hear you now, “Yeah, sure. You hate Capricorn’s.” Not really, but you do have someone near and dear to your heart, and that particular person is cooking up a little surprise. Since I’ve warned you already, you won’t be too surprised, but act like you are. And until that moment, the delivery of the surprise arrives, then slow down and take it easy. Try not to take it too personal when important moments are treated like just another event. Okay, fishing story: big fish are no big deal around here. Catch them all the time. But a big fish to a guy from not around here, now that’s a big deal. Be prepared to understand what is — and what isn’t — important. The next couple of days are a little rough, but after that, your life will even out some. And it’s not bad, bad. It’s just that you feel like you deserve more attention than you’re getting. It’s like that fish thing, those big ones are no big deal around here. Catch them all the time. For visiting Capricorn’s, though, we pretend like it’s a big deal.
Aquarius: I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to send you a birthday card or a Valentine’s card. And just between you and me, I think it’s absurd to have a mushy, gushy, supposedly romantic holiday in the middle of your sign. Aquarius has many fine attributes. As a whole, as well as individually, I like you Aquarian’s a lot. There’s a little kink coming up, right after the weekend. I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t let you know about that one, little (minute, minor, tiny, “don’t bother your pretty little head about it”) obstacle. This is much more of one of those small problems, which, if you let your mind wander way with it, this problem can take on giant proportions. The trick is, the way to handle this sort of thing, is to take one look at it, and with a wave of your Aquarius hand, dismiss it as “No big deal.” In the grand scheme of things, there really are only two big deals: what’s for lunch, and who’s playing at the Broken Spoke this weekend. I realize you might not agree completely with the weight I’ve assigned to big deals, but if you focus more on my big deals, you’re big deals won’t be so monumental. And these big deals have a lot to do with that ooey, gooey thing called love. Or one of its distant cousins. So don’t panic, and when it looks like something is falling apart, don’t scream. Just turn your attention elsewhere. There are really are no big deals. What’s for lunch?
Pisces: I have a special Valentine’s present for Pisces. Not this weekend, which would be nice, but it’s not happening quite yet, but coming up soon, like next Monday or so, Venus enters your sign. That’s my special Valentine’s gift to you, my favorite Mutable Water Sign (none other than Pisces). You get Venus in time for Valentine’s Day. This is good. Period. Just plain good. Venus means you’re nice. And it also means that you will have certain attitude which suggests you’re extra nice to everyone around you. I know hat at least one of you will suggest that you’re nice all the time, but in general, that little edge you’ve felt for the last few days, is going to be gone by next Monday. Now, getting from here to there is a little bit of a challenge, and my suggestion is to stay home. You’d be surprised what sort of mischief (good mischief) you can get into while you’re at home. Then, starting next week, you’re in this lovely, almost enviable position of the being the center of everyone’s focus. Not entirely, but your whole attitude is ever so much better. There’s a surprise, too, and the more time you spend on seemingly trivial pursuits this weekend, the better off you are next week.
