For the Week of: 12/18-24/2003
“if you spend word for word with
me, I shall make your wit bankrupt.”
Shakespeare’s Two Gentlemen of Verona (II.iv.37-8)

St. Nicholas is on a few minds these days. In our ongoing search for truth, justice and good cup of coffee, the real story is that St. Nic, before he was a sanctified, was a pawnbroker, and he personally rescued three daughters of a pauper — the pauper was, no doubt, facing destitution trying to support three females at Xmas time. No, wait, that’s not the story.

Mars moves into Aries, finally, back up to speed.

Sagittarius: I looked out the trailer’s window, nominally the kitchen window, and I saw a brightly colored Porsche Boxer sitting there. I started to do a little math. Trailer to the right of me, costs about so much. Trailer behind me, I know he’s renting, but that runs about so much per month, and over year, it adds up to so much money. Then I thought about my place. And then the trailer two spots over, and I was still quite shy of the price of that one vehicle.

Such incongruities aren’t uncommon in life, and they really aren’t that uncommon these days. I think it took me, and about four of my neighbors to equal the price of that one sports car. While those little cars, I suppose, are fun, you really can’t haul a lot of stuff in the trunk. I’d bet you, despite the vaunted horsepower, you couldn’t really tow a boat, either. Not much use. Instead of dreaming about a gleaming little sports car that’s erotic and exotic, how about thinking a little more practical? Can it tow a boat on a Saturday morning? Can you fill it with two months’ worth of groceries in the back?

In fact, the more I thought about it, I couldn’t fit a decent 7-foot rod (Flipping Stick) in it unless the top was down. How silly would that be? Fishing rod poking out while I was breezing down the highway? It’s okay to dream, but try and be practical. Now, a new truck? There’s an idea. Doesn’t cost near as much, either. Think: practicality.

Capricorn: I realize it’s winter and all, but I was really hoping we’d get one of those cool, clear Saturday mornings when it’s good to go fish. The bass tend to move out into deeper waters, and with the right equipment–and a good fish finder–moving off the grass and into the creek channels offers some good fishing. Problem is, most of those guys are on the bottom of the lake, in the deeper water, and none of them are particularly active. Plus, it’s pretty chilly, first thing in the morning.

The fish aren’t the only ones looking for warm places to hide out. Then there’s that little problem I have with rigging up the right arrangement for tackle, something to get in there deep.

Feel like you need to drag the bottom to get what you’re looking for these days? You know what would help? A good sonar system. Problem is, Mr. Mercury will return false findings on your personal sonar system. About the time you get everything lined up and the target looks good, then you discover that Mr. Mercury was just playing games, and it wasn’t really a school of fish. It wasn’t anything but a false echo from a thermal differential in the water. Besides, that Saturday morning I was going fishing? Too cold. Decided to stay in bed. Sometimes, that’s a better option.

Aquarius: Christmas isn’t even here yet, and you’re all but done with it. Had about enough of the jingles, the marketing, the hype, all that crap? Haven’t we all? Look: there’s ONE Aquarius I know, and she’s having a fine time with all this holiday merry-making, but the rest of us?

The other Aquarius types are just having a little bit of Christmas Past come back to haunt us. It’s not like, it’s not that we can’t have any fun, it’s just that there’s not a lot going on that really piques our Aquarius interests. Starting next week, Ms. Venus enters the sign of the Water Bearer. Good news, albeit, some of you are thinking that this occurs too late. However, there will be a last minute dash, a sudden change in spirit, and suddenly, you’re all geared up, and ready to go–next week.

Pisces: Yea-haw. I should be more thrilled, but I was talking with one Pisces girl the other afternoon, and she was saying, “I’m ready to cry at just about anything.” Knowing males will nod appreciatively, and suggest something about a certain cycle, and do their best to stay out of her way. But that’s not what this is really all about.

It’s a trick of several planets, and it means that this is a good time to consider what it is that you want to do, then also consider that–not gender specific–what you really want to do is to curl up on the couch, maybe flip through a magazine, maybe watch a rerun on TV, maybe even just stare at the TV without turning it on.

The stuff going on in your own Pisces cranium is a lot more interesting than anything offered up on the tube. Or even the internet. The other portion of this equation is that there are a lot folks who seem to be a little testy. The dear, sweet Pisces psyche can only take so much of their testing before you feel like you want to cry, too. My best advice? Xmas Tea. It’s part Peppermint, part Hibiscus. Goes with that whole “Red and Green” seasonal concept. A good cup of tea, curled up on the couch, and you’ll feel much better. Don’t let them get to you.

Aries: I was looking at my schedule and got to thinking, “It’s about time to make Xmas reservations for travel.” No sense doing any of this too early, right? Problem being, all the good deals are gone. All the sweet, low-cost, inexpensive, cheap seats are sold. Makes travel a little more problematic.

See, a while back I suggested that Aries make a list of tasks that you wanted to get accomplished, then I suggested you check that list periodically to make sure everything was getting accomplished. In true Aries fashion, though, you missed the second half of the concept, going back to make sure you checked off everything in that list. Like me, you’re stuck trying to scramble, shuffle the credit cards and figure out how to pay for airfare back to the old homestead. Or maybe it’s that one, last Xmas gift you want to get for a special person. Maybe you remembered one last gift. An astrology report is available, and looks like I’ll be working online until Xmas day gets here. That’s the beauty of internet delivery.

However, not everything will get accomplished. Hey, take your wins where you can and drop that one last person a card, and let them know you didn’t forget. Or, do like I’m doing this week, trying to figure out which card isn’t maxed out, so I can snag a ticket out of here.

Taurus: The packages are wrapped, you remembered what kind of fishing lure I wanted, and as the weekend gives way to next week, life keeps getting better and better. This won’t apply to everyone, but in the Land of the Bull, in Taurus Land, yes, as Xmas approaches, as we hit that magic point when the Sun slides on into Capricorn, you’re going to find that life, your Life of Taurus, just feels a little bit easier.

Unlike some signs, you shouldn’t be stuck with that last-minute, frantic dash to the mall for “just one more item.” You should be sitting on top of the world. This self-satisfied feeling isn’t going to happen overnight. Stupid little Mercury is making it hard for a great number of folks. You will get a last minute flash of someone–or something– you wanted to get done. If it hasn’t happened by now, though, there’s a good chance it’s not going to happen; therefore, relax. Isn’t that simple? Yes, it is that simple. Don’t let silly Mercury ruin the good cheer and good holidays.

Gemini: Mercury is pretty firmly heading in an apparent backwards direction, and what’s worse, this is going on in a place that brings a little tiny spotlight onto your relationship stage. It’s like a narrow beam of white light, shining on you, or where you’re supposed to be, only, the guy running the spotlight?

You and him seem to have a mixed up script. You go to the left, and the spotlight moves to the right. You try and follow, so that you are well and truly in the right place so you shine, and that irksome lighting crew moves the light in another direction. While this makes for fine comedy, this doesn’t do anything to help your Gemini fears, or, for that matter, none of this action helps your anger management program.

You can’t hit a moving target. Just doesn’t work. So while your dancing all over that Gemini stage chasing after the light that should be rightfully shining on you, the rest of us are cracking up about this Gemini scene. If, and that’s a pretty big “if,” but if you can accept that this is working out, just not the way you planned, then the holidays won’t be so bad. You are getting the attention, only, you’re getting it by not getting it.

Cancer: There’s a sappy, maudlin strain to the way the week feels. Part of it is more like that old ghost of Christmas Past, and even if you don’t follow that particular belief system, there’s a still that sentiment floating around in your sign. Part of it is a trick of the Moon’s ever-changing condition, and part of it can be attributed to Mercury now in an apparent retrograde pattern. Part of it is Saturn, as well, pushing one of those Cancer buttons that many of us feel like shouldn’t be pushed.

What are you going to do? Sit there and feel sorry for yourself? I’ve got one client that learned a really valuable lesson from me. Self-pity is allowed, but only for 24 hours. No more than that. You can feel sorry for yourself for exactly one 24-hour period. That’s it. No more. C’mon, it’s the holiday season, and the paucity of cheer in your quarter of the sky is no reason to let this get you down. So if you slip into that sense of despair and doom? Remember the 24-hour rule.

Leo: I was listening to one of my favorite operas the other evening. You know, I just slid it (four CD’s) into the player and let it run for a spell. There’s one uplifting part/song/aria where this character, near as I can make out, renounces her faith or something, all for the love of a young warrior. I can’t make out a word they’re singing on that one CD set, but I sure do enjoy the music.

And the passion? That carries through. You have the same passion, and with Mercury in his current state, you’re just like one of those opera singers–we can’t really understand a word your singing. Doesn’t make it any less passionate, that’s for sure. Nothing matches a decent Leo passion. However, just like me and that opera music, I don’t always understand every single word. To be honest, I understand exactly none of it. Maybe a word or two. So you’re singing a similar tune, right before the Xmas holiday. Maybe we can’t make out the words, but your sense of passion certainly carries through.

Virgo: This scope really isn’t for every Virgo. This should rightfully be addressed to just that one Virgo. It’s special set of conditions, the way I see it. Sure, little Mr. Mercury is backwards, and he’s cutting an errant path through the dirt signs (Virgo, Capricorn, Taurus). While that makes for some rough and tough times — as no one seems to understand what the point is that you’re trying to get across — that doesn’t make this whole mess of a pre-holiday (or post-holiday for some) week any less easy to deal with.

However, for that one particular Virgo, there’s a little relief in here. It all goes back to Jupiter, the lucky star. The problem is the rest of the people that you have to deal with. The problem is not your Virgo self. It’s us. Unless you live in a Virgo-perfect world where there are only other Virgo folks you have to deal with, then sometime in the next couple of days, you’re going to run into one of us, doing the Scrooge imitation. Or a Mercury variation of a Dickens’ character. Don’t let this interfere with your good humor.

Libra: I always enjoy the image of a Santa Claus wearing a cowboy hat. You know, the usual big guy in the red outfit with its white faux fur trim, and instead of an Xmas hat, instead of what you’re expecting him to wear, around these parts, he’s got on a big Cowboy Hat. It’s different. It’s that touch of Texas. It’s that oddball routine we all like to throw in to shake things up.

To someone not from around here, that little discordant touch seems odd. However, in the correct spirit of times, it’s still a nice addition. All righty, you’re just like that merry figure of St. Nick, and you’re just like my localized version of that guy, wearing his big ten-gallon hat. To folks in distant lands, or even the people across the street, this image seems just a bit more odd than most. However, let’s not forget the spirit of the times. There’s also one other aspect that goes to this image. See, you’re about to step out for the evening, maybe even in a Santa Claus suit, and you’re looking around for that floppy red hat. Can’t find it. Just slam a ten-gallon hat down, call it a day. Never hurts to be a little different. That’s a good solution to Mercury Mayhem induced sartorial choices and miscues. “Yeah, I meant to wear the hat.”

Scorpio: If I could get your Scorpio head out of the clouds for a minute, I could get you to focus on some items here on a “to do” list that need to be attended to. Like now. Not next week, not next month. These are deadlines that really do require your attention at this moment. These are items which desperately need to be addressed by no one but your Scorpio self. I realize that you’re not much in the mood for this, being a holiday time and all, but there really are a few little niggling little problems that no one can fix but yourself.

Such words will surely not curry me any favor with the Scorpio slice of the sky, but Mr. Mercury is moving in a position to remind us that there is something you’ve left undone. The problem is, Mercury will remind all of us about the item on your list, that one unfinished task, and it’s going to be popping back up again and again, until it gets finished. What’s worse, the rest of us, non-Scorpio types, are going to be patiently reminding you about what’s been left undone. Well, most folks will be reminding you. I know enough about Scorpio’s to skip that. No matter how nice I try to put to you, the information is not well-received. I won’t bother you about this task. Just be a little extra Scorpio prepared, though, as someone else will remind you.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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