"At Christmas I no more desire a rose
Than wish a snow in May’s new-fangled mirth;
But like of each thing in season grows."
Shakespeare’s Love’s Labour’s Lost (I.i.109-12)


capCapricorn: Jupiter? Yes, Jupiter is good. But this is like an Xmas tree farm. Takes years for Xmas trees to grow. Plant now, harvest in about three years. Or so. Maybe longer, I don’t know a lot about tree farms. I do know that farm trees are better than wanton destruction of old-growth forests.

But that’s not the point. So this is the tree farm, got it? Xmas tree farm, at that. And it’s all about planting, harvesting, and planting some more and reaping what you’ve sown and then, there’s also the odd bit of attention — in a good way. The December Capricorns, right now, heads up, take note, pay attention. Good, good stuff. Now, not later.

But you did listen the last time I told you to plant seeds, didn’t you? Got to have trees to harvest by now.


aquAquarius: One aspect that’s always adds fun the holidays is the way old friends surface. Unfortunately, as soon as I thought about old friends surfacing, I was getting an image of graves opening up and departed acquaintances lurching up from their deathbeds.

I hardly figure that image is good at this time of the year. But it is the darkest time of the year (Northern Hemisphere) and the little line between this world and the next is thinnest now. Then, too, there’s the holiday stories, and maybe they have something to do with the birth and rebirth images I was getting.

Not that any of this matters, either, but it does. Originally, I was thinking about reacquainting your Aquarius self with old friends.


pisPisces: A friend of a friend was heading to Central Texas and from there to the Gulf Coast. I was asked for suggestions and directions. I complied. The problem being, I’m no longer off the beaten path. What I enjoy is little more mainstream, or, for that matter, my "off the beaten path" is more like a well-worn path, at least to me.

I did make a few suggestions. But I’m getting to the point that I’m weary of travel suggestions because most of the places I’ve been, or that I would recommend? Those places were out of the main stream at the time. No longer. So I’m less of a lonely rough guide to the stars and more of guide to what was once off-beat. I also noticed that some of my recommendations started showing up in alternative guide books. I was both annoyed and pleased. Pleased that the places are recommended. Annoyed that my discoveries, chronicled on the website, are being turned into a "hot finds" for other authors.

I suppose, it’s the nature of progress. In Pisces, there’s a progression occurring, too. It’s the nature of the life, the universe, and everything. Eventually, it all gets caught up. Eventually. You are ready for your private pleasures to be a little more public, aren’t you?


ariAries: I was looking at something online, probably last-minute gift shopping, or maybe, I was just wasting time. I clicked through on some advertising to check on a single item. Then I wandered around in the website, for this one product’s company.

The corporate image, they were certainly trying hard. I don’t mean the logo, or the web page itself, no there was an image on the company’s site. This struck me as a particularly funny, too, it was a stock picture of a glass office building, and plain as day, the company’s name had been attached to the building. It wasn’t so much fake, as it was just bad job of digital image manipulation.

I could’ve done better. Then I thought about it, what I should do was stitch the name astrofish.net on the side of some stock image of an office building. That would give me credibility. That would prove that I was somebody. That would, more than anything else, evoke a chuckle with some people, and not mean much to any one else, other than proof that I could manipulate digital images. That’s where the caution comes, it’s about trying to fake something up? All the fake will do is leave you open to ridicule. If you’re looking for a laugh, then it’s a good idea. For real? Not so much.


tauTaurus: I had this one client and she would get bake-happy at Xmas time. Cute girl, really, not so much a girlfriend as a friendly girl. As much as I tired to dissuade her good intentions, she would load me up with all sorts of baked goodies at Xmas time. Sugar cookies, crispy on the outside, chewy with a hint of vanilla on the inside. Gingerbread cookies, not the men, cookies which were redolent with a molasses hint. And nutmeg.

Then there were the "pecan sandies," and those were deadly. Minced pecans and sugar, I think, maybe some butter? Then not so much sprinkled as covered with powdered sugar. I started on the container of those one morning, and suddenly, about an hour later, there’s powdered sugar on the keyboard, on the desk, little powdered sugar fingerprint almost everywhere. I looked up, from the empty container.

"This is not good," I said. More to myself. But it is the holiday season, and besides, I asked that those things not be delivered to me, and I begged for temptation to be relieved. And the temptation was relieved. I ate it. All. Good thing this only happens once a year. Temptation will occur. Follow my example?


gemGemini: I dated this one girl, been many years, but I learned a lot from that experience. I learned that no matter what I do, I wasn’t going to be right. Even when I was right, even when I had the moral high ground, such as it was, I was still wrong. Wrong for questioning, wrong questioning her answer, and wrong for being right. Hence, a losing proposition, no matter what. No amount of evidence, no amount of begging, pleading, and/or wheedling would save me.

Even if I was right, well, you know the answer. It’s not this week, but coming up, in the next ten, fourteen, maybe even three weeks away? There’s going to be a point of discussion. Probably with a significant other. Refer back this horoscope, then. Even when you’re right? You’re still wrong. Loathe as I am to suggest it? Learn about how to be quiet. It’s the holiday season, do holiday diversions. Arguing about relationship points? That’s not in keeping with the season, because, even if you’re right? You know the rest.


canCancer: A buddy of mine was seeing a psychiatrist. A real shrink, not just a therapist. The kind of doctor who gives out those wonderful, psychotropic substances. Over drinks, one evening, we were discussing the problem. My buddy was relating that the shrink had told him that the problem — the depression, anxiety and irrational behavior — all of that was due to a chemical imbalance in his brain. My buddy was a little more reflective than usual, "I’m pretty sure I’m not crazy, it’s just that my life sucks. I mean, what would you do?" As I listened, like a good friend will do, I had to admit, more to myself, that it sure did sound like my buddy was taking it on the chin, getting a long and difficult series of events that did, indeed suck.

No one wants to be depressed around Xmas time. But not everyone has insurance that can afford a nice shrink who can give you happy pills. Not everyone can afford a good astrologer, either, because, to get to the root of the problem, and its remedy? I turn to the stars. Looks like it was a compounded Mercury/Mars issue. Mars was also taking the situation — situations — for my buddy and forcing these issues to be dealt with. Situation turned into situations turned into issues. Issues eventually had to be reckoned with. Reckoning hence the shrink. Hence the diagnosis. Me? I’ll blame Mars. Cheaper. No drugs, good or otherwise.


leoLeo: I’ll give you a hint: this week is all about the Solstice.

Shortest day of the year.

Celebrate as the days will get longer and we start a long march toward Leo time. But we’re not there yet, and it’s long way off. Fortunately, as a Leo, you do have the ability to have a very long memory. Almost like the concepts are genetically encoded. Who’s been naughty (to Leo); who’s been nice (to Leo). So we’re getting there, and just remember….


virVirgo: Heater blew up at my place and I was bunking with a friend. The heater didn’t so much "blow up" as it just sort of fried itself out. The little electrical warmer things weren’t warming anymore. Some winters, this isn’t even an issue, but with a cold front moving through, I wanted a warmer place to stay.

I got up the next morning, and the overhead light reflected in an odd way on the computer’s screen. I was sure there was an alien spacecraft wandering around in the house with me. I didn’t want to disturb my hostess, so I investigated it myself. What I discovered was it was merely the light’s reflection, and saucer-shaped lamp. Lamp shape, to be exact. By the time my hostess was up, I was wandering around with my laptop, trying the screen at different angles, all for my own amusement.

With Saturn turning backwards and slowly sliding back through Virgo, you’ve got some work ahead. If you’re willing to delve a little deeper, get past the reflection and refraction, you might find the real cause of the anomaly.


libLibra: The book, a loose-leaf binder, was open on the counter. I glanced at the page it was open to. I won’t mention names, but the book was titled, "Green Apron Book." The bible, so to speak, for a certain international chain of shops.

Sort of curious, a chance to take a peek at the guidebook, the owner’s manual, the operating instructions that each and every employee, what, must be in the millions, has to go through. Supersecret.

There it was, open for all to see. I wanted to leaf through the book, I was looking for the recipe. Just looking for clues, really, not really digging. I’m not too keen on their management style, but it does seem to work. Although, that one store, on a busy holiday afternoon?


scoScorpio: I got a buddy and his girlfriend is about the best in the world. She has a built in tolerance factor. Might be the two kids from a previous relationship, or it could be a function of her sign (she’s NOT) Scorpio. When my buddy — as most males — says something stupid, she gives him an opportunity to rephrase the statement.

Limited to about one "do-over" in a week, he’s learning how to communicate with this girlfriend. He’s really doing well, too. But that’s because she can forgive, and she is like a simple computer program with a single "undo" command. It’s just the last comment, not the whole situation.

I’m sure — I’ve not explored this possibility — there is an upward limit on the "undo" function she has. As a Scorpio, you typically don’t have a "would you care to rephrase that statement" option. Given Mars, Venus, and Xmas? Consider that as an option. You can save wear and tear on relationship issues that way.


sagSagittarius: "Kramer, now, exactly when did we become white trash?"

I don’t know, for sure, the Pink Flamingo? Black Velvet Elvis? Xmas lights up year-round?

Not exactly sure what the turning point was. However, as far as having hit the mark, yeah, well we’re there by now.


About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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© 1993 – 2021 Kramer Wetzel, for astrofish.net &c.

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