For the week starting: 3.27.2008

"Thy frank election make;
Thou hast power to choose, and they none to forsake."
Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well [II.iii.43-44] horoscopes are certified 100% organic, fair-trade, shade grown. No animals or humans were harmed in the construction of these horoscopes. And previously, on this web page...

ariAries: There's always that little element of odd. I was hanging out with a guy in a coffee shop. The guy is younger than me by a large degree, at least in years, emotionally, we're on about the same level, I'd hope. He was also wearing his hair in a certain fashion. It was closely cut, had been shaved, along the sides, going up towards his crown. Then, the center strip of hair was left long. Nascent Mohawk.

He wears black, usually. Black, black leather, items with studs to match the heavy piercings and ink. Nice guy actually, just hung up in certain style. Not that it's a problem, either. What was odd, though, was to see him walking down the street while he was wearing a nice suit. Light colored, good-looking suit. Shirt. Pressed shirt, even. Tie. Power color. Over his shoulder was the usual laptop tote bag. That was so unexpected. Caught me mid-tortilla.

I didn't know what to do. I suppose, he was just walking along to a business meeting of some sort, I mean, it's no unreasonable to expect him to be warmly received in different circles, despite the heavy metal and ink, the hair style, I mean, I'm sure he could make it. It's just not what I expected to see. Secret lives are important aspects to everyone's character. Aries secret lives are good, too. Do like my buddy, and show up in an unexpected manner, like full business dress. Always throws them off.

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tau Taurus: "I'm telling you, the boss was a real jerk today." Taurus buddy, I'm quoting him, and I'm not quoting verbatim. The language was a little more colorful. That's also the way it goes in the last quarter of the moon. Your boss, your significant other, your insignificant other, clients, girl serving coffee, all of them can be difficult. One -- or more -- will be hard to take in the next couple of days, and it only gets worse at the start of next week, too.

Moon's almost dark. Clue? As soon as you see the frown, just smile. Messes with that frown's game plan. Boss -- or other authority figure -- being prissy and snippy? Fight back with perky. How to take a bad situation from bad to worse? Be nice. Smile, be perky. Do every onerous task wearing a broad grin. Be happy as you go along.

This highlights the problem of the worker with the bad attitude, and to some extent, it confronts that bad attitude while not confronting it all. Be nice. Gets a lot further than anything else. Me? I like it, too, because nothing upsets the snippy people, nothing goads them more than perky. Happy and perky, that's me. You, too.

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gem Gemini: "Band of Heathens" has a song, "Odysseus." That one song takes, stupid iTunes calls it rock, anyway, that song sounds like some sad country band, sawing there way through a rambling tale. It's actually a songwriter's version of Homer's epic "The Odyssey."

The soft brush drum set and accent kind of tilt the material in the country -- or western -- arena. Classical mythology, texts that are venerated and taught in higher learning. Imagine one of those turned into a country song. Yeah, that old "Odysseus could kick some ass." I believe I caught that lyric correctly. I might have it wrong. But it's a cool song. And it's great idea.

Take two items that don't have any relation to each other. Greek pre-history. A soft, twangy young country band. Put those two items in a blender, see what pours out. It's Gemini mind-set. It's a Gemini thing, too. Not many people can see the corollary and connection between two disparate items. This isn't about you going out and writing a country hit based on classical mythology, either. This about how you can recombine elements that have proven successful, reconfigure the material, in a new way. Points that don't seem to have any connecting lines? Draw lines where there weren't. Connect a couple of things, and call it a Gemini victory. You're due, you know.

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can Cancer: I was talking to waitress, a rather attractive lass, Cancer, worked in a coffee shop. She was bemoaning her fate. She was pregnant with her second child. Second child on birth control. I mean, it was the second child she conceived while she was on active birth control.

"We always figured on babies, but these came along too soon," she explained. Her and her husband planned on two children. They just didn't plan on the babies less than a year apart. And they didn't plan on the babies when the mom was so young. Although, in hindsight, I'm sure, years later, she'll think it was a good idea to get the babies out of the way. Besides, parenting brings a level of maturity, whether it's wanted or not. The next baby showing up, in an untimely fashion? Her discovery? She's a typical Cancer person.

There's going to be a fateful discovery, soon. No, I didn't mean pregnancy. That's not what I mean, I mean, an uplifting and joyous discovery. A remarkable event. Good news. And maybe a little morning sickness, too. The long-term prognostication for whatever is revealed? That's good. The short-term? Therein is the problem Mars and the Sun start this week with some unsettling news for Cancer. You'll get over it, and eventually, you'll glow.

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leo Leo: I got a deal worked out with a girlfriend. When I need a car, I can usually borrow hers. Means I drop her off at work, pick her up at work, get my car stuff done while she toils away at a real job. I tend to do this, maybe, once a month, as I'm big proponent of not owning a (working) car. And this arrangement has worked fine for years.

Until a week like this week. I pointedly skipped borrowing the car because I could just see this coming up and then, the more I thought about the more I realized that this is the same for Leo. Right now. All those times, she gets off at 5 PM, all those times I've showed up at 4:45, and waited until 5:15 PM? Half hour of my time, she gets a full tank of gas. Astrology readings are not included. Now, what didn't happen, but it could, this next week? I show up at 5:05 instead of 5, or my usual 4:45. She's unhappy, and has many things to say, most of them bad about me and my irresponsible behavior. Traffic notwithstanding.

One Leo is asking, "So I shouldn't drive a friend's car this week?" No, that's not the issue, it's about all the times you're good, and just once, you make a tiny mistake, like, five minutes late, and no one remembers all the times you've been on time. I'm ducking, see, this week. And you're a Leo, (The Leo) so you should duck also. Just don't do it, doesn't matter, they all have a way of forgetting all the good things you've done.

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vir Virgo: One of the lakes I go to fish? Some days, it's not always worth the effort. Although, it is worth the effort, since there's a peace and solitude. Unless there are too many other people bank fishing. I was pulling out one afternoon since I had regular business to transact, and as I made tour around the park's grounds, the recreation area on the lake's shoreline, I noticed a guy. Middle-age or undetermined age.

It was a cold morning, relatively speaking, some clouds in the morning until the sun warmed it all up. I heard him drive up a few hours earlier, a noisy (sub) compact car of some kind. Drew my attention momentarily. He was parked, and he had single pole, firmly in his hand, while he was sitting in a collapsible chair. He was holding that pole upright, a line obviously slung out into the channel.

The style, at that lake?
Most of us fish three or four poles at a time. This guy was just one, and how to him, the pole and the chair all fit in that car was a bit of mystery to me. He must've had it worked out. As I cruised past, I couldn't help but note that the guy was, indeed, happy. Maybe not ecstatic, but there was determined grin under the bill of his hat. It's not about the big pleasures in life, it's about the little ones. It's not about how many fish you can catch, it's about enjoying what you're doing. Okay, maybe it is about the fish, too, but really, are you enjoying your pursuit?

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lib Libra: It's been a very long time since I've been any kind of a restaurant manager. Or manager in any capacity. As I settled in to peruse a menu at a favorite taco haven, I was watching as a little girl (age between 2 and 10), with her apparent parents, that little kid accidentally knocked over a plastic tumbler of ice tea.

Shock and horror, and the parents spun it around to look like the waiter's fault. Which it wasn't, but the parents were working that thing. If I was the manager, I would've given the whole family a complimentary meal, just to appease them. However, I'm not the manager, and I'm not in charge, and I'm also not a Libra, which, I suspect that the manager was.

He had a keen eye for bottom line and yet, he also had a way of chastising the waiter -- in front of the family -- and making everyone involved feel a little bit better. The family will come back, the little girl's shirt will dry out, and the waiter will still get a nice tip. I called it wrong, but like I suggested, I'm not a Libra, and it was a Libra that smoothed everything over.

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sco Scorpio: Heavy eye-liner make-up underneath the perky uniform, there was obviously black attire. A dark mane was falling over her eyes, obscuring the blue contacts. I had to ask, she was a Scorpio. Fatal attraction, yes, I do have that for the Scorpio, especially the female form. And? I know better, too.

I'm just not man enough for any Scorpio woman. Way it is. Get used to it. Doesn't stop me from making lame attempts at flirting. But when I know it's a Scorpio, the best way to tease one is to appear to hold something in reserve. Works better than being too forward. Act a little cautious, claim to be holding something back, to prevent the Scorpio from getting some sort of perceived upper hand.

Actions like this have been known, even employed, to drive a typical Scorpio crazy. Irritate one, anyway. What's going on these days, there's a lot of good stuff, but you'll also find yourself, like that Scorpio waitress the other evening, with a pesky customer (or client) who seems intent on trying to gain the advantage over the Scorpio.

The Scorpio, who by his or her very nature, is both watery and yet fixed (resolute) at the same time, that self-same Scorpio knows that there is not advantage to be had. Doesn't stop one of us, though, from trying to imply that we have an advantage, real or perceived, over that Scorpio. When you deal with someone who thinks they know more, play along. Lead them right into their own trap.

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sag Sagittarius: I've got a buddy who is "comprehensively consequence impaired." I'm not saying he's immature, I'm not saying that he can't think past the next few days, I'm just saying that if an opportunity appears, he'll take it. Usually, he'll go for the immediate gratification. No thought is even given as to what might happen later. If he does this, the consequences of an action result in this. He can't think about it. I'm not sure if it's a mental disorder, lack of maturity, upbringing, or is it just a Jupiter thing in his natal chart?

I'm inclined to blame the stars. Moon, really, as there is a lunar placement that indicates this could be the source of our dismay. Or his inability to properly think through an action. "What happens if I push this button?" He would ask. "Don't!" Someone yells. He pushes the button. Dire events follow. Regular as clockwork.

There's a lesson to be learned from my buddy who can't think any action through, his inability to plan for the future is no longer a Sagittarius problem. We can think about consequences. We are not comprehensively consequence impaired. And we also know, if the sign says "wet paint," we don't have to stop and figure out just how wet that paint is. Right?

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capCapricorn: I'm a nice guy, and I was in line in a store where they have those staggered cashier stands for big crowds. Only, there wasn't much of a crowd, and there were only two cashiers. One had a line, so I just stepped over the next one, the line was shorter. An attractive young lady was in line at the busier cashier, the longer line. The cashier made noises about it being lunch time, flipped the light off, signaled a manager, and the girl, with just a few items, grimaced. She was headed to stand in line behind me, but me, being nice and all, I just motioned her to stand in front of me. Nice view, too. So she got a free cut in line.

She only had two items, and their total was about $18.87. She gradually unfurled three five-dollar bills. Then she plucked two singles from her pocket. Then she had to dig in her purse for another dollar bill. The reason I remember this? She then had to count out all the change, exact change. One quarter, some dimes, nickels, and finally, pennies. All seven. See what I get for being nice? Was the view worth it? Judgment call.

Patience frayed? That's a Capricorn thing. Mars buzzing along in Cancer makes it hard for Capricorn to do the right thing, then abide by that action. If I had been a Capricorn, I would've wound up just paying for her merchandise, just to move her along. Which, if you think about it, might've been her plan. But I doubt it. Watch, though, as you'll have someone with 11 items in their basket, when you're in the 10 item or less lane. Or worse, you let some girl cut in front of you in line, only to have her take an excruciating amount of time to complete her transaction.

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aqu Aquarius: I've got a friend, she hates her bank. Hates it with some kind of unholy passion. Hates the her bank so much, what she does, every check she writes, she uses a lime green pen, or light pink ink, or even red ink, anything but standard black or blue ink.

She was told, erroneously or not, that the ink, which is off-color? It has to be processed by hand.

Her way of fighting the system. Her way of making a statement.

Her way of annoying me because, when she pays me with a check, I have to make sure I've got a pen on hand that she can use. Not black or blue ink.

Keep the requisite material on hand. I think that's the message.

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pisPisces: "One Night only!" The blackboard shouted, "The Exploding Sex Kittens!" Now that's a band name that I like. It's a polka band, all-girl, obviously, playing at a German beer garden kind of a place.

All-girl band. With various instruments, I'm imagining a xylophone and squeezebox, not sure what else, tuba? It's sort of scary what some people will come up with.

Be a little leery of certain come-ons this week. "One Night Only!' That's good clue you might want to miss the exploding sex kittens. Or not, depends on your individual tastes.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at