Horoscopes by Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 3.29.2012

“…His humor is lofty, his discourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eye ambitious, his gait majestical and his general behavior vain, ridiculous and thrasonical. He is too picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as it were, too pereginate, as I may call it.”

Holofernes (about Armado) in Shakespeare’s Love’s Labor’s Lost (V.i.9-14)

N.B.: Thrasonical means boastful, pereginate means exotic.

Aries: Tag lines. I’ve come up with so many. ‘Fishing Guide to the Stars,’ that was the first. “Dependable. Direct. Determined. Discreet.” The 4-D version. Or, other tag lines I’ve enjoyed? ‘Low Brow Mystic.’ Or, another one, “astrofish.net: serving Texas since (year),” as that year could be hard to determine. The first scopes were written when I was in school, out-of-state. All depends on the way we do the accounting on that number. I’ve always liked “Air-Ride Equipped.” See that on trucks down the highway. Then, there’s one, while the allusion might be missed, the historical reference, there’s still the idea, “Department of Tinfoil Hats.” What do all of my various, occasionally, rejected tag lines have to do with Aries? Much. Rest of this week, need to think up a tag line that works for you. I always favored ‘Boutique Horoscopes’ for me. With the planets where they are? Aries, you need a quick line that’s easy to remember, easy for everyone to grasp. What line would you use as Aries (happy birthday) advertising?

Available now: the Mars Minute.

Taurus: “It’s my daughter’s guitar, we just got it for her, they said we could carry it on, I called,” lady was pleading. For me, it’s a commuter flight. For her, it was a child going off to college and that child, maybe an only child, needed this new guitar in its new guitar case. Compare that new case with my beat up hardware, nicked, scratched, gouged, covered with stickers from distant and foreign lands, hints of adventure. Really, just beat luggage.

“Please, I called and they said you’d make an exception,” the mom was pleading. The counter help, the ‘customer service rep,’ she was visibly groaning. I’ll suppose the guy on the phone, who booked this, and said it was okay, just this one time? I’ll bet it was ‘just close the deal’ kind of thing. At the expense of the mom and her daughter’s expensive (new) guitar. In a few years, that guitar case will be beat up, covered with stickers and the daughter will be flinging the case at the baggage handlers, not carrying what they do. However, for the moment, I watched while that mom pleaded her case – about the guitar case. I know you deserve the best treatment, and I know that we should make an exception for Taurus. Think it through, though, that case will not fit in the overhead compartment. At all. Won’t fit. Nice gesture, but if it doesn’t fit?

Gemini: A jar of “Miracle Whip” contains neither whips nor miracles. Just thought it was important to make note of that. Consider it my civic duty to alert the consumer as the mistaken labeling with that product. While this example was half-hearted in its approach, as a Gemini, suffering under the dueling energies of Mars and Mercury backwards in incompatible locations, you’re going to try a joke like that.

Won’t work, as mine didn’t work. Doesn’t stop there from being a snickering in Gemini-land. Mercury is about to get right and there will a small amount of gentle relief as the world starts to make sense to the Gemini component again. Eventually.

What worries me is more and more of you are finding my jokes funny.

Cancer: Fortune Cookie – “Pleasures await you by the seashore.” Can’t resist the allure of a fortune cookie, after a meal at the Golden Buddha. I snagged that little slip from the cookie and stuck in my wallet, knowing that a certain Cancer would appreciate the message, when the time was right. Spring break is over. Spring time fishing is upon us, and there’s a fever to get to the coast and wade out after the big Reds. I understand that not every Cancer individual would appreciate that kind of activity; however, the essence of the message is important. At the tail end of Mercury RX, Mars RX, it’s time to plan an escape. Not everyone can dash down to the coast for a day of fishing, but as a sensitive water sign, some kind escape is needed. I’d suggest a fishing trip, even a short one. For once, I think the fortune cookie was right, as pleasures probably do await you by the water’s edge.

Leo: Fortune Cookie – “Wish upon the next star you see and the next day will bring you luck.” What I was wishing for a was a solution to an e-mail issue with one of my sites, and one of my devices. Phone, if you have to know, and it was about getting e-mail, and although I thought the settings were identical, apparently, they’re not. Wouldn’t fetch e-mail like it was supposed to, and I was wishing it would.

“Wish upon a star,” the fortune cookie suggested, and I wished it would work. I poked around the help forum online, and while I didn’t get an answer to my immediate problem, there was another issue that was also troublesome, and I found a posted tip that solved the one problem.

Sometimes, where we set out to get to, and sometimes, where we wind up? Our stated, Leo destination isn’t always where we arrive, but somehow, despite all the irregularity with the planets? We wind up where we’re supposed to be.

(Still can’t get the e-mail on that one account right now.)

Virgo: I was thinking about a buddy of mine, as I looked at your Virgo chart. No, seriously, the guy isn’t a Virgo, but I kept thinking of his last divorce. Ugly. Very ugly. “Next woman? You know I’m the marrying kind, but the next woman? I’m running a personal ad. ‘Wanted: woman with a bass boat. Send pictures of boat.’ That simple.”

I liked his approach, and I wondered if that was from one of the redneck comedy guys, but not that I could find. Sounds like a line from one them, or, sounds like I line I’ve used over heartbreak. Yeah, send picture of boat. Face-to-face with certain failure, this is a time to think about trying a different approach to the problem. Different solution to the same problem. Probably not an ugly divorce or break-up, but it could very well feel just like. Borrow my buddy’s line, “Send picture of boat.”

Libra: It can sometimes be the smallest of adjustments that make all the difference. When I was fishing this one lake, what used to work, drop a (brand name) plastic worm (stick bait and/or jerk bait) and count three. Then slowly reel it back in. Toss and repeat as often as need be to get results. Same color (watermelon or pumpkin seed), same #2 hook, same line, no big changes, except letting that bait drift all the way to the bottom. Let it hit bottom, then start reeling it back in. All the way to the bottom. Can take longer than a three count. Wait until the line goes completely slack.

The symbolism, if it is lost, it’s about letting something take as long as need be to reach the goal. That goal? It’s only the halfway point, too. This is about a fishing technique I’ve successfully used. Adapted, really, and that’s what this week’s message is. Adapt as need. Might need a little longer than you planned. Waiting for that bait to reach the bottom? Can seem like a long time.

Scorpio: “Kramer. Dude. Just the man I wanted to see! Should I play poker tonight? What does my horoscope say?” Scorpio, just never changes, does it? I’m not a Scorpio so it doesn’t matter to me. I’m just a lucky Sagittarius. That comment usually garners veiled, snide, possibly satirical quip from the Scorpio. So the greeting was welcome, and then I was faced with a conundrum. First, if I said, “Yes,” and he lost, I’d get blamed. If I said, “No,” and he won, I’d get blamed. There was nothing I could say. Besides, I know my Scorpio types, and telling them not to do something is just an invitation to do that. Unless, of course, it was reverse psychology. Which it wasn’t.

I’m not clever enough to outfox a Scorpio.

With Jupiter, where he is, and with the other influences, where they are, I’d suggest, one out of three Scorpio’s will do well at poker, or whatever the pursuit is. The rest of us? Feeling lucky, punk?

Sagittarius: I ran across a reference to an Intuit word, means, “Go outside and check the weather.” I liked that. I can’t pretend to pronounce the word, not doing it properly. If I tried, I’d probably come up with a slur or an anatomical impossibility. Might offend the Intuit population and the camp-follower academics who faithfully transcribe the language.

As a Sagittarius, though, this one word makes more sense than anything else, given the time and timbre of the times, the tones. It’s about not trusting what “they” say, and seeing for yourself, firsthand, because empirical evidence is best. Weatherman said it was going to be a warm morning, certainly warm enough to walk in the pre-dawn light. Halfway to my destination, coffee, I thought my face was numb from the cold, biting wind. Experience. Stick your head out of the door, gopher up from the cube, something, anything, don’t trust what the computer says. Find out for yourself. Empirical evidence.

Capricorn: I looked up as the waiter wrote down my order, “You’re a southpaw!” Left-handed people tend to be more at ease with my unconventional style and strange questions, like, “What’s your birthday?” He was a Capricorn because I asked, earlier. There’s a certain Capricorn quality that I admire, self-effacing, humble, yet sardonic and satyric, or satiric, either one works, while maintaining some dignity. As Mercury unwinds, where he is, there’s going to be a similar, if not identical, re-enactment. Take it in stride. While my intent, with my comment, wasn’t meant as derision, just an excited discovery, I’d like to think, that as a Capricorn, you’d agree. Can be a little weird, though. Roll with it. It’s not a punch.

Aquarius: When I set up a domain name, I tend to also set up an e-mail account linked to that domain name. I’ve had several client domains, and I’ve left a ‘back-door’ entrance by using my name as a secondary e-mail account. Just a habit, not malicious, and frankly, with those e-mail accounts scattered, I have no way of keeping up with them. Or recalling the password — not a clue. Not really important until I was messing with my own list of domains and my various points of contact, and I ran into problems as two e-mail addesses, the domains look similar, those addresses kept getting confused. (astrofish.net & astrofish.net/xenon/astrofishcouk/) Easy to see the source of confusion. What I did to solve the problem? I deleted one e-mail account. That simple. Problem solved.

Instead of turning this into a hairy, or hair-rising, or hair-splitting event? Just use the delete key.

Pisces: Why? It’s about back-up. It’s about why subscribe to a service if the service is never used? It’s about paying extra for a fail-safe then never relying on that fail-safe option. It’s like buying insurance and letting it go unused. There’s always a prudent amount of restraint, but not using up any of the “unlimited” resources?

That’s a problem.

There is always the other side of this equation, and I sell subscriptions on my site to my site. Some people will buy a subscription, pay for it, then never access the information. Doesn’t really bother me, to much, as it’s still money in my pocket. So, what resource, quality, unused, unattended item is there in the Pisces life? Something you kept saving for a special time? Could this be the special time? Is this your rainy day?