Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 11.28

    “Thou wilt fall backward
    When thou hast more wit.”
    Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliette [I.iii.42]

I believe this catches it all.

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars

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Sagittarius HoroscopeSagittarius: I always wondered why folks didn’t write more books about trailer park “Fang Sway.” (Feng Shui.) Just seems like a perfect fit, instead of moving around furniture? Move the whole house. Have a Sagittarius Wood-Fired Rabbit? Just shift the trailer to align on a NorthWest meridian instead of the original NorthEast line. Much easier, too, if the front door needs to face North, South, East, West, just call up Bubba and get him over to realign the “chi” of the house.

While the Sun is in Sagittarius, and that makes it our birthdays, the nuances of planetary influence would point out that both Saturn and Mercury are still lingering in Scorpio this week. Subtle, nuanced shifts are good. Rearranging the furniture of the place, or moving the entire location? That’s not called for. I still think it’s a good idea, as I once moved a trailer, in South Austin, just like that. I did so, though, under better moving conditions. No big moves, enjoy the holiday and the birthday.

Capricorn: I was standing alongside a buddy as he navigated the InterCoastal Waterway, pulling into a familiar fishing spot. “That was so much fun, last time we were here,” I gushed a bit, “caught two big Reds, back to back-to-back and my (Aquarius) buddy started harassing me, about big fish and me being too old, then he caught one, and wore him down.” Good times.

On that one trip, I cast out at that spot, and I set the line, dropped the pole in a pole holder and turned around to set another line. I never got a chance. The first pole bent double and the poor drag brake screamed in agony — as nice a sound as any while the line plays out and another big Red makes a run for it. First cast, back in that same spot? Same action, set the pole in the pole holder and there it goes. Picture are on the website, some place. Fishing is called “fishing,” not called “catching.” Only one big one that day, the second time, but the glory days, they live on. As a Capricorn, what glory days do you have and what glory days are you still re-living? Better question, is it wise to dwell in the glory years gone by?

Aquarius: In preparation for the 1968 Hemisphere, the (now historic) Riverwalk Hilton was way behind schedule. I’m unsure of the historical fact, but the story is the individual rooms were outfitted, drapes, curtains, doors, sinks, and each room, as a completed, fully function unit, each one was airlifted by helicopter, and stacked in place. Like Legos, or building blocks on a grand scale. In 1968? This was a killer, cutting edge tech. I’ve never been able to fully fact-check the story. I wouldn’t mention it again, but the tour guides on the Riverwalk, they all tell that story, and if I’m there, I hear snippets of the tale. Fully constructed in another location, then just dropped into place? That’s kind of a message for Aquarius. Fully assembled elsewhere, like the component pieces, assembled, put together, and then, just snapped into place to make it whole. What pieces need to be snapped into place?

Pisces: I’m here to help you avoid an expensive mistake. Under a similar astrological milieu, I bought an item, it was a wireless router, and the ad claimed there was a rebate, almost, not quite, but almost equivalent to the price of the item. My mind? “It’s like, getting it for free!” Minus, shipping, handling, postage and waiting. Waiting and waiting.

    Some restrictions apply.

The coupon, the part I sent in? Said it could take up to 90 days for the check to get issued. Never saw it. The other little catch in their terms? Only good for the first 30 days, so, near as I could tell, there was no recourse. I paid full price for a discount item. I think of this as retail chicanery. It’s apparently free, but only if you follow all these steps exactly in order. I guess I missed something. Or maybe I got taken. In either case, the outcome — I paid full price. I’m here to save you. It has nothing to do with the fine print, the details, or whether I got scammed. As a Pisces? If it seems too good to be true? Probably is. Don’t buy it. Wait. It will probably be on sale, much cheaper, next month.

astrofish.netAries: New course of study! The Aries attention span can occasionally, seem a little, well, for lack of better word, flighty. Not that I can say anything negative about that, not me, not Mr. “I’m a Sagittarius, oh look at that over there!” As I was thinking, there are about three different areas where you want to expand the Aries mind. Instead of signing up for a course, instead of buying high-end coaching, instead of wasting too much time to get the new and improved module, I was looking at the cheap way. You’d like to think in terms of doctorate degree, but you’ve got the attention span, it’s a special influence, for a brochure. Can read that cover to cover. Doctorate degree, with it’s book-length thesis, or a brochure about the topic. A good example, instead of digesting one of those huge books about astrology, try the BareFoot Astrology clip. At a little over an hour, its all in one place. Cheap, too. You’re not looking for a long course, or a big book, just something that’s easy to digest in a short span of time. Instead of depth in one? Try breadth in three.

Taurus: Some of the big bookstores have wised up and put coffee shops in a corner. I’ve hung out in such a place, just like that. Get me magazine off the rack and read it while having an over-priced cup of double espresso with variations of foamed milk. I was in one store, and as I walked up the counter, the customer in front of me was all, “Like, this sucks, I’m out of here.” Taurus working the counter shrugged, tried to smile at me. I trotted out one of my jokes, she smiled a little. She was one of those thin, wispy Taurus girls, lean and built for speed, short shock of black hair and almond-shaped, mocha-colored eyes. With a smoky allure. Taurus thing, you know. Gorgeous girl, as she is much younger than me.

I ordered and went to pay and when handed back my change, I asked where the tip jar was. Trained in Austin, as I am, I tend to leave a dollar at the coffee bar. I placed a dollar on the thin space between the racks crammed with point-of-sale crap like cookies and “All-Natural” candy that’s more refined sugar and less natural than most.

Okay, here’s the deal, this week, next few days, if you let it, someone will try to get to you, like the person who stormed out in front of me. Be patient, dear Taurus, so someone nice, like me, can come along and at least try to cheer you up. They start yelling at you for something that isn’t your fault? Remember that what goes around will come back around to get them.

geminiGemini: “Oh god, I love Xmas! It’s that wonderful time of the year, presents, and family, and oh dear lord, I hate Xmas, it’s too crass and commercial and the true spirit is gone, but I love this time of the year, but I hate the way it’s been commercialized, but did you see that Santa at the car tune-up place? How about that big snow globe? I hate this time of the year. No, I love this time of the year.” Got a love-hate relationship with the approaching holiday season? I understand. It’s only going to get worse, too, you know, as the folks who try to trick us into buying stuff? They’re all more clever these days. Makes it worse. Much worse. Or better, if you’re a Gemini and a retail merchant, and you have this week’s hot toy for sale. I need one. Typical Gemini mania is exacerbated when the Sun is in Sagittarius. It’s only going to get worse, too, as next week, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, too. That’s then, this is now. Stop, pause, refresh. Stop and reboot the phone, the tablet, the computer. Some days, all that is required, like now, all that you need to do is get everyone out of the pool, hit the restart, and fill it back up with clear water. All better. Hit the computer’s “rewind” button (restart).

Cancer: Secret ingredient? Lemon juice. Or lime juice, as I’m not particular. Either one works. That’s the secret. Lemon juice. Or lemon zest, if you’re a purist. I’m not. I learned about this before “fajitas” were a common meal, back when fajita meat was tough, gnarly, skirt steak. Needed to be cut up, marinated, then grilled within an inch of its life, and only then, some fresh salsa, pico, peppers and such? Only then was it really good. Plus, as the platter was sizzling, a big half lemon squeezed on top. Secret ingredient. You have my secret ingredient now, and since it is a holiday everyone is baking and things are weird like they are? Consider a gentle experiment, add some lemon. Or lime. I mean, adjust as need be, not based on just what I say. Might be something else, too, but you get the idea, a simple “secret” ingredient, something you already know about? That works.

For me? Lemon juice.

LeoThe (mighty) Leo: First, a buddy of mine turned me onto the Tao of Pooh. Then, another buddy introduced me to the Tao Te Ching.

Between the two, I got a strong dose of Taoism. As such, I recommend both of those for mighty, mighty Leo. What matters, what doesn’t matter. What is, what will be, and the stupid holiday crap layered on top of everything, making this more stressful than before. Why buy into the holiday stuff that you don’t like?

Some part, I’m not sure which, but some part of this holiday season rubs you the wrong way. That’s why I selected a very “eastern” form of mysticism to suggest, something that’s far, far away from the seasonal push. One year, I loved this, local place, there’s a palm tree with a snow man as part of the backdrop. Ice and tropics. Confused about the season? Oh hardly, this is the trick, a little Taoism, maybe not a full dose, but a little bit of the philosophy goes a long way to making the season better.

I’m all about making life better for Leo. Always have been. But you knew that. Merry Xmas.

Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu

Virgo: When I cook with onions, or even use them as a type of garnish, I prefer the sweet purple onions. Prettier. Not always more flavorful, but certainly not as pungent as them old, yellow onions. The color adds the right dash of “something” to the food. Whether it’s winter-time Texas chili, or some BBQ, the purple onion is a staple in my food.

There’s a problem with too much onion, renders me un-kiss-able. However, it sure does taste good, and onion, any color, has the added bonus of being a strong healing agent, from a naturopathic point of view. As one of Shakespeare’s characters said, “Leeks are good.” The purple color, maybe because I’m Sagittarius? Maybe because I’m male and therefore, visual? I’ll buy purple onions before anything else, even though the flavor isn’t as good. Visual appeal versus flavor, which is more important? As a Virgo, both are important, and the trick, with the sun in Sagittarius, is to find that finicky balance point. Personally, the winter onions are strong, slightly pungent, with a tangy bitterness to them, I’d go for the purple. Hard to tell the difference some days, and to a guy like me? Looks are important. As Virgo, though, which would you choose?

Libra: I have a Georgia O’Keefe poster, from the Georgia O’Keefe Museum (Santa Fe, NM). Framed, matted, professionally mounted, the frame and mount cost much more than the poster itself. That poster, though, it’s over the desk these days, it adds something to the space. The actual poster? Buy that online for a few bucks. Or, I think it was maybe $20 at the museum itself, years ago. What is the correct way to change and yet remain the same? When dissected the Libra chart, I kept thinking about changes and, like, painting the room, the house. Not a good idea, and especially not now. But a cheap addition, like a “museum quality” print, mounted, matted, framed, that works. It’s a way to make it look even nicer. Adds a spot of color, or a lack of color, I guess it depends on the print, to Libra space. Simple. Not complicated. Cheap poster, nice frame and mount. Makes a world of difference and it’s a lot, I mean a whole lot, less expensive than painting the whole place.

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scorpioScorpio: I’ve asked the question too many times, and the answer is easy enough to find, and to paraphrase, “This is not the beginning, nor is this the end, but this is the beginning of the end.” It’s from Winston Churchill, circa, 1942. Quote about the war. Steely reserve and dogged determination will win the day. Therein is a hint for Scorpio, too, as this isn’t the end, nor is the beginning, but… Oh just look up the quote. I ran it as a trivia contest, once. Should be quick and easy to find, and it works, in context.

Yeah, you’re being pushed around and this isn’t the end of it. But with Saturn where he is? Might be the end of the beginning. There is hope.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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  • jose quinones Nov 30, 2013 @ 17:01

    Have you ever tried using left over turkey as tackle? I just remembered that I have never caught anything even though I’ve used all the tricks of the trade. Would the whole idea of using something simple be more minimalist rather than simplistic? If that’s the case, I should be rewarded for my hermit ways.
    As far as the Gemini goes, It’s kind of scary to think that we have so much in common–coincidence or am I barely getting the order I placed a long time ago? I’m not putting up lights this year!

    • jose quinones Dec 1, 2013 @ 15:31

      *bait — wonder why the other word clouded my judgment.

    • Kramer Wetzel Dec 1, 2013 @ 21:23

      Gemini is the orde y placed years ago.

      And ask me about jerky for bait. It worked, like turkey should.