Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 1.30

    “O infinite virtue! Com’st thou smiling from
    The world’s greatest snare uncaught?”
    Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra [IV.viii.22-3]

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 1.30

aquariusAquarius: The original premise behind a Jack-in-the-Box was that the critter, Jack, would spring out at an unknown time. No rhyme, no reason. Well, there was the rhyme, and the rhythm of the handle cranking, but who knows exactly when he’ll pop up? With most children, I’d guess, age 2, but I’m no judge of this, they would squeal when he jumped open. Personally, I find it a little tedious and if the coffee saturation is off? I’ll jump a little, too, when the Jack-in-the-Box springs open. Can’t really say it surprised me. With your birthdays this week, with what’s going on? Adopt that child-like glee that accompanies the toy surprising us every time.

Pisces: When I lived on the lake, I would fish, almost every day when I was in town, weather permitting. I enjoyed the setting, Austin’s Town Lake, and it go so I’d go weeks at time without catching any fish. I was sorted of limited to the one spot by the trailer park, as I didn’t want to go too far, and I’m lazy. Didn’t matter, as an exercise, it was a good experience. Kept my casting in top form. Venus unwinds from her retrograde pattern now. Which means?

I kept thinking about that example, evenings, mornings, whenever, I was out there, throwing lures, baits, bobbers, weights, whatever, into the lake. Practice. Form. Didn’t bother me a bit. It is an exercise to keep our Pisces selves in shape, keep a hand in the game, make sure we’re in touch with our favorite roots. All has a place. Looks like there’s a repetitive activity, to some, it might seem like work. To others, like me, I consider it calming and I see a point to the exercise. It’s about fine-tuning a skill-set. It’s about relaxing and enjoying the outdoor air. It’s about being away from the phone, it’s repetitive exercise that’s less about exercise and more about getting better at this one task. Not drudge work.

Aries: I’ve listened as more than one Aries has had a little tantrum. “I don’t want to!” Stomp the Aries feet. Frown. Scowl. Sure, whatever. When you’re done melting, or overheating, or whatever it is that you’re doing? When it’s all done?

Let’s put some of that angry energy to work.

With Mars opposite you, still, and the new moon? Harness that energy, maybe, here’s an idea, hitch yourself to new idea. I’d like to think that there’s an excellent opportunity floating around in the periphery of the Aries sight. Can’t see it if you look at it directly, but starting at the beginning of this scope and working forward? Get as pissed as you want, nothing will come of that other than a few people laughing at you being mad; however, there will be a new idea, a new point, a place to begin. We can wait for your birthday, but that’s still months away. I’d suggest, one idea, one new possible direction, there, floating at the edge of what you can see, use it.

Taurus: In the simplest terms? Love or money, which one? You can have one or the other this week, but the way the planets are, not that I want to disappoint, but the way it looks from here? One or the other, but not both. Personally, old advice, but the way I heard it most recently? Go for the money. Get enough of that, and money won’t buy love, but you can buy a boat and park it right next to love, and that’s almost as good. In a more practical turn of the phrase? Concentrate on the financial obligations, maybe, just a crazy thought, but that budget you set at the beginning of the new year? Stick to it. Concentrate on the business end of matters. There’s always a choice, you can address that “love” thing, but what’s the good in a getting a date if you can’t afford to buy her dinner?

Gemini: At one of the winter resorts, along the Texas Gulf Coast, I asked about the best questions the staff ever heard. “Are the hot tubs heated?” Seriously? “Yes, and here’s the scary part, we hear that more often than you’d think, ‘Are the hot tubs heated?'” That just scares me a little, but then the term, “Hot Tub,” could mean different things to different people. At that one place, the hot tubs are large, outdoor, close to the pool and the shower, not far from the beach but protected from the offshore breezes by that first barrier of dunes. Nice enough place to stay when fishing, and the hot tub, it’s a good idea, but at the end of day of fishing, I aim to be too tired to wander down into a hot tub. Which, by their very names, one can safely assume they are hot. Are the hot tubs heated? Putative winter in Texas, and South Texas is both warm and cold, depends on the day. So heated hot tubs are a small luxury, but one that can be appreciated. As a Gemini though, and with your relations to the aforementioned Retrograde Venus? Maybe think before you ask the next question.

Cancer: I’ll keep trumpeting this idea, but with Venus, stationary, or essentially stationary, I kept thinking of romance, and romantic entanglements for Moon-Children. Try to stay with me, as I’ll cover a lot of ground, pretty quickly. I’ve done personal readings for several decades. What I’ve heard, time and again, has to do with mostly available females looking for male companionship. For a while, it was quite common, especially in Austin, to hear this from single moms. The single guys tended to see a child as a handicap, and the single moms echoed that idea.

We need to change our thinking. Has to do with target-rich environments. Has to do with availability. Has to do with stretching the brain further than preconceived notions. I’m not sure which side of this equation you’re on, but either side, it has merits. I got to a point where I’d only date women if they’d had kids. Many more successes along those lines, for me. Twist this around for Cancer, for this week: handicap? Or asset? I think you’re looking at a situation incorrectly. Change the way you view the, so-called, problem.

The (mighty) Leo: This week is like a comedy movie scene, slapstick, repeated over and over, and I have a solution. Stick with me. The scene, it is usually two guys, leaving the same location through a narrow doorway. One bows to the other, and since I’ve seen this on silent celluloid as well as more modern versions, there’s an indication that both characters are letting the other one pass first. “You first, I insist,” says the first. “No, you first, I beg of you,” says the second. After a few seconds of flustering, they both try to go through the same door — at the same time. More bowing, cowing and begging. You first, no you first, no you go ahead, I defer to your greater (skills, intellect, girth, etc.) This can be repeated, over and over, as long as it’s funny. Usually three tries is all it takes for the gag to run out of laughs. Hint: after the first try, and you try to enter the same passageway with comedic effects, and it doesn’t work? Let the other, non-Leo, sign go first. Just do it to be polite. As the mighty Leo, letting the other one go first? Pays off big for you.

“After you.”

“No, you go first, you’re the Leo.”

“Just this once, I’ll let you go first.”

Virgo: “So your question, Kramer, if I could change one thing? What would it be? I’d change my hair. I never liked my hair, and now, with the grey coming in? Looks like I’m an old lady. Definitely, change my hair.

“Or, you know, now that I think about it? I think I’d like to change my personal style. You know, be more adventuresome, more outgoing. I want to look like I have action and adventure all the time. More ‘rough and tumble.’

“Better yet, just one thing, right?” The Virgo gets up, turns around pats the ass, and sits back down.

“I want to lose some of this middle-age spread. Just one thing, right? I have to pick one thing? That’s it.”

Pick one (1) Virgo target to attack. There are three, so far, pick just one. Let’s work on that. Just one, not all three. I’d go for the first one, too, the hair color and style? That can help the other two. But pick one.

Libra: One of the greatest self-help strategies I’ve ever encountered is probably derived from some ancient source. I could package this up in a book, but the material — this pertains to Mars — in Libra — has an immediate effect — if you listen up. Very simply put? Next best thing. Next right thing. Next step. What’s next? What is the very next step you can take to get from where you’re at, at this moment in the time-space continuum, what step can you take, right now, to move you farther down the Libra Line? Good. Take that step. There is no better time than right now. Turns out that wasn’t the very best step you could’ve taken, but, if you take it, engage in some kind of action, that will build forward momentum. Part of the the Libra process. Even if it’s not the best step, the next step? That’s what we all need to do. Start moving. I want you to get a running start at the rest of this, and the quickest way to do that is to start moving now. Take a step. Might not be the very best, but it is the very best at this time. Again, what’s important.

What’s your next move?

Scorpio: There was a hit song, while back, look it up on the web someplace, the tag line for the song? “I like my women a little on the trashy side.” To this day, I’ll admit, like any other male with blood coursing through his veins, a certain “look” gets my attention. Either a second look, or usually, a longer, more appraising first look, much more than just a glance. I consider this the “Hooker Conundrum.” I watched as more than one of my very married friends has done the long and appraising look — while his wife is at his side — with somewhat calamitous effects. The calmest said, “Take a picture so you can remember it.” So the tag line, “I like my women a little on the trashy side?” Careful how that song’s refrain is framed.

One time, what I was thinking in the Scorpio context, buddy was singing that song, slapped (patted) his girlfriend on the butt, and sang that refrain. The girlfriend smiled. The woman’s teenage daughter was there.

“Mom!”

Careful, Scorpio, playful is good, but there’s a right place and a wrong place.

Sagittarius: I was looking up a word I was about to use in a horoscope. Used to use dictionaries. I have a pile of them, about three, two are British — with British English spellings — at least one is American, and there’s a shelf full of other reference tomes. To look up a word, though, I used the computer. Inter-webs, net, whatever. There’s a dictionary built into just about everything now, so I can’t even be sure which reference point I used. Got an answer and went with it. I was pretty sure I was using the word correctly, and that one dictionary backed up my decision.

There’s one book that I use for a reference manual that’s not online. Oh, I’m sure it is available online, but I prefer the archaic method of accessing it through my printed copy. It’s a King James Bible. I use it, as need be, to check scripture and verify quotes. I much prefer the King James with its archaic prose and out-of-date, well, everything. Sounds biblical, the way a bible should sound. A good example was an attractive young lady with a bible verse tattoo, and I wanted to check the King James version. Rather different from the revised standard.

This is about interpretations, and how to interpret this week’s astrological fugue? Go to an original source and stick with the original source.

Capricorn: “Kramer, no, man, not here. No one talks like that.” I wasn’t in Austin, and a buddy, a fishing buddy, was complaining, in a vitriolic manner, about one of my horoscopes. I used the word “hence” — properly — to mean, “As a consequence of,” and like my usual horoscopes, “Blah-blah-blah.”

“Kramer, not here, no one talks like that, dude.” I do. It’s verbal short shorthand for me, as a consequence of the actions, this leads to that, hence the results.

Not part of Bubba’s vernacular. “Vern-what?” Daily, common speech. While I’m a big fan of slang, a language that’s not afraid to get dirty, I’m also a fan of using the shortest word to convey the exact meaning of the phrase. Hence the use of hence, and what logically follows? Advice to Capricorn: don’t be afraid to use high-falutin’ language if it — more effectively — gets the message across to your intended Capricorn listener.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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  • jose quinones Jan 31, 2014 @ 18:15

    Hmmm…I was thinking of doing a half step to the right, a half step to the left, and a three sixty afterwards. Yee ha!