Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.11

    “Neither of either; I remit both twain.
    I see the trick an’t; here was a consent,
    Knowing aforehand of our merriment,
    To dash it like a Christmas comedy.”
    Berowne in Shakespeare’s Loves Labors Lost (V.ii.487-91)

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.11

SagSagittarius: The holidays hit with a brisk pace, don’t they? Too much to do, not enough time, too much to see, not enough time, and the twin evils of retail marketing and advertising display space kills most of my good nature. Funny thing happens, I’m in big demand as “a friend,” you know, the kind of person who sends an Xmas greeting card with money in it, sure, I’m that kind of a friend, but that’s about it. Not much happens with my business. Which is funny, as in, next month? Every one wants to know what this new year will be like. Here’s the deal, my extra-fine Sagittarius friends, start our new year now. Soon. Plan on the new year starting a few moments earlier, like next week, and happy birthday.

CapricornCapricorn: if you pause long enough, you get images of a fantastical nature. Draw upon those dreams, as the nights get longer and the days are almost too short, as a Capricorn now is the time….

Time to make peace with the wicked subconscious. Time to make peace with your personal demons. Or, worst-case scenario, drown them. The old rub about drowning your demons, some of them have life-preservers. Makes it a more difficult task.

Why does getting rid of damning thoughts turn into an onerous task? Either way, there’s something we must deal with, holiday season or not, and now’s the time.

“This week? Really?”

Now or never?

aquariusAquarius: Got this one Aquarius, claims that Xmas is no big deal. “Not a thing,” that one is prone to saying, “not a thing.” However, it is a big deal for the signs that are around Aquarius, like staid, conservative Capricorn (Xmas falls in their sign), and emotive Pisces. Decide, Aquarius, does a big deal for everyone else count as a big deal for you, too? Pause a moment before you answer that question, as there’s other factors at work, other influences. Mars. In Aquarius. Mr. Mars is in Aquarius. Maybe, even if it isn’t a big deal to your fine Aquarius self? Maybe allow it to be big deal for those around you.

PiscesPisces: “I’m a Pisces. See? I don’t believe in Astrology, I mean, Kramer, you’re funny, but really?” Really. That one Pisces, much fun for me, as she doesn’t have to believe in my astrology for things to work for her. She has that Pisces ability to bend the will of the Universe to her own will. She can make any prediction she wants, and then, it happens for her. She can shape reality to fit her needs, wants, even, on most days, her very whims.


Always fun when she does that thing she does, and it doesn’t work. Sound familiar, my Pisces friend? Usually get away with it, and for some reason, can’t seem to pull it off right now? Problem. Solution? If it’s not meant to be, don’t force it.

AriesAries: “Careful, the horoscope you are about to be served is very hot. This container is made with 10% post-consumer waste.” The planet associated with Aries is Mars. Mars is in Aquarius. There is a subtle strength you can draw on, if you are Aries-aware.

Trick one, engage the Mars in your chart. That means physical activity. Some type of physical action. Get your “Mars” revved up. Simple.

Trick two? An Aquarius thing: think about it. Cogitation. Get active then think. In that order. It’s a Mars (and holiday) way to work this week’s weird energy.

TaurusTaurus: This one “coffee girl,” barista, I think in the true sense of the title, one time, she made the most amazing cappuccino. The foam was dense and perfect, and there wasn’t too much foam.

When I got around to peeling the lid off the cup, the foam, what was left, was a giant block creamy, coffee-flavored goodness. Probably just milk fats and espresso concentrate. Delicious. Great stuff. She wins the award for the finest coffee, ever, best cappuccino, something. Best foamed milk and coffee variation. Something.

Given where the planets are, this is about an impossibly high standard. She set it herself. I remind her whenever I see her working in that coffee shop, she’s the one who set the standard against which I compare all others. “I’ll never do it that good again.” Oh, but she might. “I’ll try.” There is no “try,” only do. No, never has matched that, but it was atmospheric condition, too. Never hurts to set the bar high.

GeminiGemini: “In my next life, I want to be Sagittarius!” Little Gemini friend, and she thinks Sagittarius have all the luck. The way it works, this is such a weird Xmas season, the way it works, the pressure from one area is almost too much, and the best Gemini way to deal with this pressure is to talk. Yell, scream, but talk it through. Communicate. It’s that Gemini need for communication, and that has but one answer, talk about it. As clue, for the non-Gemini people with whom you will communicate? Consider a scorecard. Non-Gemini people need a scorecard to keep track of all the players in this Gemini drama. Consider providing us with a list of cast, the characters current in the drama.

“I want to comeback as a Sagittarius in my next life!”

Amen, sister, amen.

CancerCancer: I was cruising into Austin, up from San Antonio, and the traffic on the freeway ground to a halt. Because it was a San Antonio car, I had the right, the moral obligation to exit across three lanes of traffic. I looked up, and the freeway was stalled while I sailed along the feeder road until the next cross over. Stoplight, blinking red, which means, there was a long snarl of angry cars on that access road, as well.

Both sets of north-bound lanes, bitterly frozen.

As I inched forward I glanced down at the Interstate. The traffic blockage had let up. The three lanes were now two, but they were moving at speed again. My shortcut cost me valuable minutes. I thought I took the quick way around only to have my forward progress stymied. With the way things are in Cancer, at the opposite end of the Pluto-Uranus thing? Shortcuts don’t work. Trust me, I tried.

The LeoThe (mighty) Leo: Stuck in a waiting room, I finally got a grip on how to handle this energy. The holidays, the insanity of the planets and their influences, the press for change, the rising of Sagittarius, all of that, right? Plus, Mars in Aquarius? Opposite you? Take a hint, here’s what I did. The typical waiting room has a dozen or more chairs, maybe a couch and end tables.

Typically, there’s a cheap big-screen TV someplace, blaring, in this situation it was local day-time TV. Now, all of this is good, the color of the walls is picked to be “soothing,” although, I’m sure, in some it inspires violent thoughts. Depends on how long one is waiting, I guess. The TV droned on. I turned my back to the TV, picked up the book I brought with me. It was that simple. I turn my back to the TV. Worked wonders. The wall color was soothing, and the person I was waiting on was whisked away for a couple of hours. No strong sedatives for me, no clawing and climbing the walls. The secret? I just turned my back to the TV.

VirgoVirgo: For a moment, it seemed like everything was going to be OK. For a moment, there was hope, and for a little while, it looked life was going to work out to perfect Virgo plan.

“Just the way I wanted this to happen!”

Then there’s the spill, the pile-up, the problems. As a Virgo, we got to give a little room for problems. As a Virgo, we have to make allowances for those who are not driven to perfection like we are. For a little holiday cheer, as a way to express it best? Consider a gift to the rest of humanity.

“It may not be (Virgo) perfect, but it’s damn good.”

Best gift you could give us. At least think about it. Try it out for size.

LibraLibra: Not long ago, buddy and I were fishing. He caught a decent-sized bass, horsed it into the boat, and then tried to get the fighter to give up the lure. Mean girl bass.

Bad ass bass?

Sure, that works. She flopped and flipped in the bottom the boat, beating herself up pretty good, and all my buddy was trying to do was grab her for a decent picture then let her go back to spawning. Or courting, whatever she was doing. Early December fishing is weird, cold day, that one time. She flopped around and managed to snag herself on the lure, a second time. Must be a Libra fish, by my guess. Exactly what we’re trying to prevent, don’t hook yourself a second time by struggling too hard.

ScorpioScorpio: “It may be better to give than receive, but that’s not company policy.” Should be in the fine print, someplace. Need to check that. As the Scorpio? Think about the comment, “give” versus “receive.”

Yes, this is about making some final Saturn adjustments to your schedule, and consider that this is still a time when outflow is more important than income.

That simple? Yes.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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