Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.25

    “In the world of advertising, there’s no such thing as a lie. There’s only expedient exaggeration.”
    North by Northwest (1959)
    “In a false quarrel there is no true valor.”
    Benedick in Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing [Act 5, Scene 1]

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.25

CapricornCapricorn: I’ve been assured, over and over, that the most difficult story to tell is my own story. As a writer? “The hardest story to tell is your own.” Not so much for me, as I can jump sideways, and besides, I’ve been doing this for many long years, so this isn’t the most difficult story to tell. Not for me. I’m practiced, degreeed, tenured, and quite used to it. I’ve offered a variety options, the fishing version, the fishy version, the East Texas connection, the Austin Family, my new home town further south — all depends. West Texas, don’t forget my ties to the people of that oil patch. All works. Variations on themes. As a birthday-driven Capricorn, though, there’s a portion of your tale that needs to be told. Some tiny piece, maybe not the whole thing, do we have time for that? Think of this as time to do a short Xmas newsletter version. Easy.

aquariusAquarius: “Swedes Never Fight In Denmark.” It’s a memory device, a short phrase one of my family members uses to recall the order of letters in a specific phrase. SNFID. I have not one clue why that was an important acronym at the time, and I have no idea what the connection is, to me, other than, well, family and all. Still, there’s a Christmas treat associated with this memory trick.

Mnemonic. That’s the word I couldn’t remember when I started working on this, mnemonic. I can’t say that the Swedes don’t fight in Denmark. If I recall, someone came rolling over the king’s palace, at the end of Hamlet, and it was a big mess. Looked like a war zone, that Elizabethan Theatre stuff always ends messy. There’s a simple memory trick, as easy as the first letters of something, used for the Aquarius memory. Me? I still can’t recall what the connection was, but I know, as this Xmas holiday season starts to wax and wane a bit? Memory trick to recall that one, last thing you’ve forgotten.

PiscesPisces: Merry Christmas! Happy Solstice! Seasons’ Greetings (for whatever belief system you’ve got). Now, let’s look at the next few days. Right after Dec. 25, the putative date for this scope, that’s when things get interesting.

“I hate it when he says that.”

Relax. Not bad at all. As an idea, though, start thinking about some kind of realistic measure that you can take, as a wonderful and fluid Pisces, to get a jump-start on the new year. One, simple action. A single gesture. For example? I try to get my tax documentation in order before January 1. Never happens, but there’s always an effort to, at least, gather the documents into one place. Simple gesture. Party on, enjoy the holidays, and think about one step, a single action, to get ready for new business in the new year, in a new way, that brings in new customer. New money. One step, now.

AriesAries: It started, innocuously, one year. Fishing buddy of mine gave me an iTunes gift card. This was long before those pieces of plastic were available on every corner. It wasn’t the amount that mattered, no, it wasn’t the thought, either, that was the first time I had a license to buy whatever frivolous, stupid, meaningless noise I wanted. A mad moment.

It was a digital “OK” to get something that I wanted, but in my mind, I couldn’t righteously justify. Silly piece of plastic made it OK to get something I wanted, just something that I wasn’t allowing myself to get. Music, permissions, mental health, and acuity changed since then. Still, look over the spoils of the last few days. A gift card, a gift receipt, maybe a small donation to the Aries fund, something like that? This is an excuse, call it “Boxing Day,” if you will, just for Aries, and this is the time to go out and indulge yourself, like you should be.

TaurusTaurus: One of my “internet friends” was expounding the virtues of a service with the dubious sobriquet “Buzz Spice.” It was something for automating content feed to social media. I kept thinking of “Old Spice,” and that’s a fragrance that pops up at this time of the year. Gratefully, this year, I didn’t get any. I couldn’t help but giggle, though, every time he mentioned “Buzz Spice.” Should be a drinking game, but at that one luncheon, had it been a drinking game? We’d be too buzzed to move. I might even have the title wrong, because, after a point, it all got kind of silly. It’s something old and something new. This holiday season, between now and the official end of the year? Silly season. My secret to Taurus success in the next few days? Don’t get caught up in the buzz. Silly season. Take it just like that.

GeminiGemini: Step up and step in! Step up to what you really are, my most excellent and holiday-frazzled Gemini! Step in, too! Own it! Be it!

“Work that thang!” as the expression goes.

There’s a little boost to self-confidence, and this doesn’t come in the form of a gift-wrapped package under the old Xmas tree, no, this is a cosmic Christmas gift. Or whatever your belief system is, there’s a gift, waiting for you, under the tree. Metaphor, please. I haven’t had an Xmas tree in years and years. I just use the corner, doesn’t bother me. This isn’t about my belief system, either, this is about what’s bouncing along for Gemini, and that’s this cosmic gift in the form of renewed sense of self, a self-confidence that might’ve been missing. Have a good holiday, and hopefully, you’ll spend that political capital wisely. Got a bunch, looks like an envelope, under the old tree to me.

CancerCancer: Christmas morning, could be any Christmas Morning, but in this case, it was just a few years ago. I suspect this is what it will be like this year, too, especially for Cancer. I pulled in a certain brand of coffee shop to get tanked up with fuel and sugary goodness, diary and all of that, for the commute to Austin, the holiday tradition. Very few retail places are open on Xmas day. I knew that one coffee spot would be open, at least until noon. I didn’t know that it was a well-known, maybe a broadcast secret. Cars five deep at the drive-through. Line, out the door, at the front entrance. Looked like two employees were sharing cigarettes outside the back door, too, as this was a freestanding store. I motored around the block and I decided, there’s a gas station with a convenience store, next highway exit up. I can do without a skinny-double-mocha-blueberry-raspberry-white-chocolate-breve-extra-foam-latte-cappuccino until Austin. A 16-oz. Styrofoam cup with sludge-like corner-store coffee packs the same amount of caffeine, tastes the same, and there’s no aggravating line with faux-cheery customers, like myself. Avoid the rush and crush. Six creamers, three packets of sugar? Sure. Almost the same, costs less, and guess what, my Cancer friend? We avoided the irritations.

The LeoThe (mighty) Leo: In our lives, as much as I love my Leo friends, in the epic “Life of Leo,” there are toxic people. We run into them each day, in some cases, or never, in other cases. Holidays bring out the very best — and the very worst — in other people. Not everyone is the regal and majestical Leo. There are toxic people. In some examples, this can be immediate family. Other examples, it’s distant and not so distant, but Not-In-My-Back-Yard family. Or friends. Some of these are long-standing friends. Still, the toxicity is there. Two parts to my merry xmas message: 1) recognize the toxic people, and 2) stay away from them this week. That simple. You can do that, can’t you?

VirgoVirgo: Old-fashioned Xmas lights, the long strands of questionable safety wiring with gaily colored bulbs? Before there were LED bulbs with failsafes and cool-running, low wattage strings and strands? I’m thinking totally old-school. As a small child, I recall the arduous task of checking out the Xmas lights, as in, one burned-out bulb would kill off the whole string, and it was a simple, but repetitive attempting to locate the single, non-functioning bulb, replacing it, and watching the whole strand of lights come back on. This is a perfect Virgo gift, a simple task, a small repair, an easy, yet almost convivial and enjoyable — for the Virgo energy — task that must be accomplished. Fix and repair, not exactly rocket surgery, not exactly brain science, not difficult, but yes, in a soothing way, time-consuming. Let’s say you don’t get to this horoscope until the day after Xmas. Holiday and all. Suddenly, the bright lights on the Virgo Xmas tree go out. Thank me for giving you a simple task that is mundane, redundant, and yet, in its own way, repetitively enjoyable. Happy holidays to my favorite mutable earth sign!

LibraLibra: One of my favorite earrings is still an old fishing lure. I’ve toyed with several versions, still, there’s this one, an absolute favorite. It’ garners more than casual glances because it’s bright, sparkling, and looks like a silver feather, at a cursory glance. Still, with closer examination, the most common comment? “Is that, like a real hook in your ear?” No, I long ago replaced the barbed hook, it was a treble hook on that one, with an earring hanger. Bit of wire, looped around, buy them at the arts and crafts store for a few pennies. With this old Kris Kringle’s day and all? Seems like there’s something with a sentimental value we need to trot out at this time. I’m unsure of what means for you. In my simple example, it’s an earring. Not an expensive one, new, those lures cost less than three bucks. Even with the modifications, that’s still a cheap piece of jewelry. I’m wearing it to the family deals this holiday season, as a reminder. Sentimental and all. Still, as a Libra, something that might not be expensive but has deep, personal meaning? That’s what this holiday season — the next few days — that‘s what this is all about.

ScorpioScorpio: One Xmas, I did the “35 Shuffle.” One set of family in Dallas, alongside interstate 35. Then other family in Austin, alongside the same interstate and finally, the home, in San Antonio, alongside 35, the interstate. Up, down, back tracking to Austin, up to Dallas, down to SA, and so forth. Round trip, back and forth, all over. Seemed like 35 was my home that year for the Christmas Season. Much coming and going, to-ing and fro-ing. I was reminded of that holiday season, over a thousand miles in less than three days, what we do for family, reminded of that almost endless shuffle up and down the freeway in a short period of time, thinking about the Scorpio holiday scene. You have a similar, if not identical, kind of time up and coming. Up and down the Scorpio highway of life, and you can make it. Just seems like there’s an intense amount of local travel involved. Too much, almost.

Me? I think I’ll sneak off the coast for some fishing. But I’m not Scorpio.

SagSagittarius: I have to be grateful to the people — my clients — in the West Texas town of El Paso as that’s been a portion of my established business over the years. Over the last couple of decades, it’s been a regular whistle-stop on my tour circuit. The people, the eccentricities, the local flavors, all of that is like home. Last time I was out there, standing in the grocery line at the super Wal-Mart (West Side), I made an amusing comment to my hostess, directed, staged, for the cashier. I mentioned that I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal. The cashier giggled. As I walked out the truck, Grace looked at me, “You do realize, that girl didn’t know what ‘surreal’ means?”

Never dawned on me. Which, in turn, makes the comment and its followup even more surreal. Not Twilight Zone surreal, but that music would be appropriate. The Christmas planets are sending our Sagittarius selves into a surreal area, and frequently, just like me and the cashier? No one gets us.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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