Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 3.19.2015

    “In terms of choice I am not solely led
    By nice direction of a maiden’s eyes;
    Besides, the lott’ry of my destiny
    Bars me the right of voluntary choosing.”
    Portia in Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice, Act II, scene i, 11-3

The lottery of my destiny bars me the right of voluntary choosing? As in “Fate foretold in the stars?”

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 3.19.2015


AriesSeems like every woman has a date bra, at least one set of fat pants, and the way I heard it? A murder wig and a courtroom suit. These are apparent pieces of what makes up a complete woman’s collection of necessary belongings. I’d call it an adequate tackle box, with certain, required, “go-to” items.

Mine might vary, as there are certain baits, lures, and bobber combinations that I would place ahead of clothing items like that. But I’m not an Aries woman. Looking at how this week unrolls? One, or more, items on that list will be required. Personally, I’m hoping for the first two items, not much else. The murder wig? With modern forensics, at least, with the stuff on TV? I don’t know that the murder wig won’t really fool the cameras or the cops, but then, I’m not Aries. Watch enough cop TV, and you realize all that’s needed is “reasonable doubt,” at least, that satisfies the plot’s needs. It’s about certain, very necessary items. Make sure you have them handy. I’d tend to favor a dark plastic worm on a number two hook, but conditions vary from Aries to Aries.


It was just after SXSW. There were two Austin babes, a skinny runner and a hipster. The skinny runner had the tight black outfit, leggings that rippled with muscles where most folk have resilient stores of flesh, and the hipster? She had on pajama bottoms, an ironic T-Shirt from the 80’s, and instead of a shopping bag, it was an old Halloween bag, reused. It was just such a jarring clash of what makes Austin, well, Austin.

The light changed, the runner started running, and the hipster started walking. I have no further useful information about either, other than they both represented sides of the Taurus psyche at this moment. One is pointedly, personally, professionally perturbed. The hipster, you know. Making a statement against making statements, and any part of the outfit, alone, would be enough. Combine it all? Maybe too much? Maybe. Maybe not too much, either. The runner, same message, only different delivery, the tight clothing, the “not ironic” sweat band, the easy gait of one who knows where her body parts are at any given moment. One, or both, can represent part of the way Taurus moves through the next few days. Or how you should move through the next few days. Which one will it be? Or both?


Latest tip for my Gemini friends? Just because you can’t do something? That doesn’t mean you should try to do it, anyway. I know how you are capable of making a bad decision at an inopportune time, and that’s what this is about. Just because you can’t do it? That’s not a challenge. The container is clearly marked for “One Gallon.” Trying to pour more than one gallon for liquid into that container isn’t a good idea, unless you’re prepared to deal with the overflow. Which you’re not. For the Europeans, think 4 Litres, instead. Close enough for equivalency. The old joke, and oftentimes, too true, around here? When I hear a buddy nicknamed “Bubba,” when I hear him chortle, “Hey, watch me do this!” I’ve learned to to duck. Seek cover. Find higher ground. I know, no goals have ever been achieved by giving in to the nay-sayers, and the experts who say “It can’t be done,” but now? Stop, pause, think about it for longer than a nano-second. If it says, “You can’t do something?” Just for now? Don’t.


I’ve grown up in Texas. Horse people are common. I’ve dated several women who have pet horses. “Yeah, in high school? We used to ride through the Dairy Queen drive-thru, on my horse.” True story. It’s not uncommon. So when I was talking with yet another girl with horses, I learned something new. “The livestock are not like my children, see, no one gets too upset if you sell your horse.”

True, that.

I never had children, so I can’t comment about selling them. However, looking at your stars, there’s a point where frustration from family matters gets to you. Is it terrible? Not so much. Bad? Maybe. Easy solution? Sell off the offending problem. Well, we’re back to the difference between pets and family, aren’t we? A good pet, livestock, they will love you unconditionally. Family? Not so much, in my limited experience. I’m merely the outside observer, but when you sell off family, there’s usually a problem or two.

“People don’t frown if you just sell a horse or two.”

The (mighty) Leo:

“The animal needing something knows how much it needs, the man does not.” (Democritus, attributed.) I would argue that the opening quote from Shakespeare was more on topic than this ditty from Democritus, but Leo is special and there’s something special going on, even now.

When do you say “when.” What’s enough and what’s too much? There’s a slight push that’s a little more “over the top” than what’s usually over the top for the mighty Leo.

When is enough, enough? Matter of saying “stop” at the correct time. Me? I’m certainly the wrong one to answer the question, as I frequently have no “off” switch myself. Don’t ask me. AS I spun the wheels to look at your charts for the next couple of days? There’s a “Jupiter Effect” that’s long-lasting, and it’s pushing on you. The animals instinctually know when to stop.

Leo? Trust your instincts? Under this kind of influence? I’d set a timer, set a measuring device and when you reach your limit? Stop. Enough is enough.

“But if it’s good, I want ten more!”

Hence the problem. What did Democritus say?

“The animal needing something knows how much it needs, the man does not.”


“Mad Jack” Churchill (Virgo) was a bit eccentric, to say the least. In numerous battles in World War II, he fought with a Scottish Claymore, a large two-handed battle sword. He was captured, escaped, captured again, and eventually retired some years later. He is famous for saying, “Any officer who goes into action without his sword is improperly dressed.” His other weapon, which might make more sense, was bagpipes. Different Virgo’s require different tools, but there’s something about a sword that definitely makes a point.

In changing times, with so much in Virgo-land in flux? Consider the point, the statement, and the point, of carrying a sword, even though it might be horribly archaic, there’s something that it inspires. With some ancestral ties to Scotland, I, personally, have an emotional attachment to the idea of a mighty claymore sword, big, long, ugly, menacing beastie. I tend to prefer fishing poles as I think I lack the upper body strength to manhandle a claymore in any protracted battle, but still. Cool looking. Menacing. Makes a statement. Archaic, a throwback to the Middle Ages, maybe even the Dark Ages, however, some days, you know, even as a delicate Virgo? Some days you just have to go medieval on them. Worked for Mad Jack, think about it.


Action, Libra, action. Take action. Given the array of planet energy, Aries and all? One, or two, of the next three actions will fail. Might fall on your face. Might look stupid. Might hurt. Might not be the best action. The deal is, you did something while every other Libra was sitting around, talking about it, but not taking action.

With planets stacked up against you, all that material free-floating in Aries? With it stacked against you, there are two distinct courses. One is to talk about it. The other is to put on foot in front of the other — and take action. The problem with action? Two of the three items will probably fall flat. Probably fail. Probably fall short of the goal. Probably. Two-thirds are bad. One third? Resounding success. Take three shots, and instead of planning on everything being successful, figure there might be one or two that falls short.


Ever seen me in person and you’ve heard this tale about how I learned about revenge from a Scorpio buddy. He would affix his steely Scorpio gaze on a person, mutter something like “I’ll get you yet,” then walk off. In his mind, so he would explain, he had no intention of ever “getting even,” or extracting a cold, uncomfortable revenge dish. However, the goal, in my Scorpio buddy’s mind? Plant the seed, let it ferment, and then let that seed grow in a large problem for the person forever looking over his shoulder, worried about the Scorpio.

Shouldn’t have wronged a Scorpio in the first place. The revenge motif plays into this week’s planetary array, as the Sun slips from Pisces to burn brightly in Aries. This brings our Scorpio focus around to scattered loose ends left unfinished. Which is why the nature of revenge, not revenge itself, but the nature of the revenge, why that is so important. He taught me not to get even, as the best way to get even. Forgive. Forget? That’s not a Scorpio trait. Forgive? Yes, for sure. Learn what I’ve learned from my Scorpio buddy.


As a Sagittarius myself, one of the skill sets we bring to table, so to speak, one of our greatest attributes? We have an ability to dither. Dither, dawdle, procrastinate, dissemble, and otherwise put off what must be done.

Given that the new moon in Pisces rattles our Sagittarius selves, but then, the Aries motions are all soothing? The problem is that we start picking at something, wait, I have to look this word up, first, and then, we find something else that’s of interest rather than attending to the matters that demand our Sagittarius attention.

While I’m, personally, a big fan of the mantra, “Never do today what can be put of until next week,” as the planets continue on their proscribed courses, their orbits lay out a plan of action that requires Sagittarius action. That simple. Stop putting it off and do it.

“Wait, wait! Did you see this, first?”


This is sometimes called “Busy Work.” Sometimes, we call it drudge work. Sometimes, it’s called repetitive stress injury. Many names, and what seems like a single function? It’s the day-to-day nuts and bolts of what hold your life together. I manage much of my own website and the intricate details that makes this place work. Own mailing list which is, at this point, mostly automated, but I do the writing, editing, and scheduling. Easier that way.

There comes a time when nothing but human eyeballs can solve a problem, and this is one of those times. Machines can recognize instructions and large patterns, but sometimes, the task requires a human’s touch. I’m a big fan of automation and getting the software to do as much of the heavy lifting as possible. But there are onerous tasks that require human eyeballs. This is one of those times, I can glance at a row of data in one of my databases, and I can spot entries that are machine generated, essentially, spam, and I can weed that stuff out. But this is something that I have to do. Requires me to look at the material, seems like busy work. Part of what makes this machine run smoothly? Busy work. Drudge work, call it what you want, but you can handle this better, without any assistance, and now’s the time to tackle the job. Makes your life run smoother in about ten days.


Recently, another astrologer consulted with me. She was concerned with the motion of just one planet. As a reader, she’s built career around the motion of just one planet. As an indicator in her own chart, that particular planet is well-placed. In her own chart, very important. In everyone’s else’s chart? “Yes and no,” “sometimes,” is the best answer. Worth watching, for sure, but to build a whole reading and then, a whole practice around just one planet?

Seems a bit underwhelming. There’s much that makes up an astrology chart, the Sun, the Moon, the placement of various planets, structures, and locations. Moon phase, etc. Fixated on one planet? Sure. Aquarius, are you fixated on just one thing, just one goal, at the exclusion of all else? There’s more in your chart than just one planet. There’s more in your Aquarius purview than just one goal. Task. Aquarius thing you’re grinding on? More than one. Stop hammering the single item and look at the bigger picture.


After a trailer in South Austin, I vowed, if I ever lived in a house again, I’d get concrete floors so I could just hose the house out. Just open the tap on a garden hose with a spray adjustment, and instead of sweeping, instead of a vacuum cleaner, instead of dusting and mopping? Just rinse the place out. High-powered water hose. Whoosh! Dirt, debris, cat hair, dog fur, baby vomit, spilt food, coffee grounds, just rinse the floor off.

Industrial design. Great idea. Hasn’t worked out like that — yet. Not that it doesn’t have merit, as an idea. Think like a hospital operating arena, or the business room at a vet’s clinic, both places that, if you’ll notice, there’s a gentle slope and drain at one end. Or in the center. Depends. As a Pisces, you can be the architect of your own design. Now, more than ever, with all that rush of Aries, and the latent new Moon in Pisces, all of that?

I’m thinking of a perfect quote from Shakespeare’s Henry VIII, and I’ll use that next week.

Anyway, as a Pisces, think about washing out the house. One way or another. High-pressure water hose really is appealing to me.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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