“I abhor such fanatical phantasimes…such rackers of orthography.”

Shakespeare’s Love’s Labor’s Lost [V.i.18-20]

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 4.9.2015

Aries:

Third quarter-moon. Things were going so smoothly then something happened. “It was all going according to plan!” Then, the littlest “thing” tripped that Aries trigger. It’s not a big deal, and one Aries will assure me how wrong I am because, “It’s a very big, damn big, huge thing! You have no idea!” It’s not a big thing. To some, it might appear that way, but in the “Pause and think about it” way of looking at this material, no it’s not a big issue. Might seem like it, but with the forward momentum I’ve been encouraging? If you carry forward with that momentum, then this is okay. Not a big deal. “Yes, yes it is a big deal. Are you so clueless?” I don’t share the Aries passion, not me, and I’m not clueless, but the big deals are less of a big deal than you think. “I’m not thinking this, can’t you feel how important this is?!” I love the Aries double punctuation, question mark and exclamation point. There’s a point where you’re being too dramatic. Pause. Pause before you yell at me. Pause before you scream that this needs immediate attention. On the “police hotline,” was helping a client get a police (Aries) incident report, and I chuckled, “If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 9-1-1.” If this is a real emergency, dial 9-1-1, and otherwise? Please stay on the line and wait. (Not that big of deal, huh?)

Taurus:

Mars heats up Taurus activities, the Moon cools off, and Venus leaves for the sign of the Twins, Gemini. Much activity and some of it seems pointless. But is it, really? I’m not enough of girl to give this proper emphasis, but the expression, served with attitude and that look? “Seriously?”

One morning, early one morning, on the bay, good spot, Texas Gulf Coast, and the pole bent over, big fish, took the bait and we were on. I pulled back, gently on the pole, hopefully the first in several tussles with a big Red, what it felt like, and the aging fishing leader snapped. First fish of the day. “Snap!” Gone. Mars behaves like this, in fact, all the planets do, but let’s pretend this is just Mars. Next step? Reel in the slack line, attach bait and new leader line, then get that bait back to the same place it was before. See if that big Red had a buddy. See if the buddy is hungry, too. Those fish, they tend to travel in packs, like gangs. Roving gangs of fish. That first loss? Just doubled up on my efforts, and remember to check the line before that first cast. I knew I should’ve replaced it, but I didn’t.

“Seriously.”

Gemini:

Worst part of my job? I get stuck playing the bad guy too often. Early in my career, I felt like I was a “pee stick,” the pregnancy kind. I’d get any number of females who were either interested in getting pregnant, or interested in making sure they weren’t “accidentally” pregnant. “What does my chart say?” That’s the stuff I complain about. That makes me out to be the bad guy, sometimes with a “yes” answer, and sometimes with a “no” answer. Doesn’t matter, I just read the chart.

I get my “bad guy” props from Gemini again this week, as Venus, makes nice in Gemini, but in doing so? Oppose Saturn, which will bring up something uncomfortable.

“It’s going to be bad, right? I hate you when you do this to Gemini!”

Again, back with me being the bad guy. This discomfort? Doesn’t have to be all bad, and for that matter, go with for its short distance? Then, in a few days, it will be healed. At least better.

Cancer:

There’s a dull ache in the Cancer bones, leftover from too much Aries. The dull ache, though, is more metaphorical, but as I poked at your chart like a good doctor, as I was figuring a way to address and manage the Aries pain in the Cancer chart? The more I looked and surfed around on the net, the more information I encountered that had to do with the difference in types of pain. Is this a chronic ailment? Or is this from an injury?

I have a knee, both these days, that creaks when it bends a certain way, like kneeling down. Ancient injury from riding a motorcycle. Old pain, and seems to be more painful right before it rains. That’s not an Aries pain, see, that’s a pain from an injury. Not chronic, dull ache. Not the Moon Child’s pain this week. What works for my knee, when it hurts like this? Couple of aspirin. Plain, crusty little white tablets from a bottle marked “aspirin.” Simplest way I can deal with my pain, cover it up with a chemical. The Cancer (Aries) pain? I just figure, watching the movement of several planets, not just the crap in Aries? I figure, this is pain that can be tolerated by your gentle Moon-child self long enough to make it without a chemical cover-up. So if the dull cache is from an injury, them mask it with aspirin — or whatever — but if it that other kind? Wait, it will be over before the next horoscope rolls up.

The (mighty) Leo:

Things a Leo should avoid? There’s a church I go to, from time to time, in Austin, because it satisfies familial obligations, and besides, I like that church. Relaxed, close to campus, well, it’s Austin, you know? One Easter, I tend to go for the High Holiday, Xmas Eve, Easter, etc., so one Easter, there’s approximate woman in a light sun dress, and when light shown throw the sacristy, there was a very obvious silhouette underneath that summer frock: a purple thong. Not visible in the front, but from the back? A graphic image that has been imprinted on my mind’s eye, like, for forever.

Things a Leo should avoid? Purple thong in church comes to mind, although, if you know anything about the predominately Xtian values, I think purple was the right seasonal color, Lent? Anyway, as much as you like to be the center of attention? Is this a manner in which you want attention drawn to your lovely Leo self? Seriously, I just prefer my church clothing to be a bit more sober, well, not too much, but I’d favor women not quite so obvious. Maybe she didn’t know? What does that mean, presumably her husband, what’s he for?

Virgo:

“Virgo: great attention to detail. Perfectionists! Really? Why does it ALWAYS say that?” Because there’s an element that seems true? If you’ve ever dated a Virgo, and I have, then there is that attention to detail. But that doesn’t show up in every Virgo description, does it? Maybe it does. I don’t know, not for sure. However, picking a verbal fight with me is a waste of time. I don’t argue with Virgo folks because I can’t win. Besides, there’s very-Virgo-like ability to call up strange facts and details that just goes to show that the sign, as a whole, and that one person, in particular, isn’t that concerned with “attention to details.” Get the reductive amusement, here?

So other than the withering ire of that one Virgo, the “attention to detail” thing? That’s required, these next few days. Not like it’s not already part of who you are, or anything, it’s just you’re going to be cleaning up after one of us (not Virgo) in the next couple of days. Could be real, like a mop, broom, dustpan, and big mess, or it could be more along the lines of, “He said that she said, that they said, that he said….” What you might, my strongest suspicion, what you might clean up is a messy social situation. What makes this more darkly comic? In a real court of law? The vague, not-even-circumstantial evidence would not be valid. Still, “I heard it from a guy whose brother knew this guy, and they said it was true.”

Libra:

Before this weekend arrives, pick about three — maybe four — Libra projects you want to work on. Goals, directions, plans, best use of your time, maybe a portion of the old Libra closet you want to clean out? Something. Several somethings. Get a stack of stuff that you want to attack. Maybe not to “attack,” as that makes it sound like an onerous task that’s war-like.

Get a list, get a pile of projects, get the raw materials, make the plans. With one Libra, there’s a stack of books to read. Pleasure reading. Tight plots, cozy mysteries, romance, that sort of material. All depends, just all depends. Here’s the deal, see, get this material assembled, all the stuff, the raw material the component pieces, everything you think you might need.

Now, as soon as the weekend is over? Pick one of those three, maybe four, projects and get started. Run into a problem with it? Stop, set it aside and move down to the number two item on you Libra list, the next goal, project or whatever. I won’t promise that all of the goals get accomplished; I can’t promise success in every avenue; and I can’t keep you from getting diverted. However, I can suggest, pick, three, maybe four, and then, if you get one started before next week, you’re already ahead.

Scorpio:

Looks like the “Bi-Polar Transit” is hitting Scorpio! Whee! No, bummer, I’m so sorry. This is one that swings two ways and it seems to swing with extreme prejudice, as in, one minute, this is great, no, not just great, but GREAT! Even GREATER!!! Then, barely a heartbeat later? No, no, NO!!! As this pendulum swings back and forth and as your mood goes from depressed to bright and then back to the very pits of despair only to see the light at the end of that proverbial tunnel, and then, to realize that it’s bad again. No, now it’s good.

It’s truly a bipolar transit occurring, and I can’t fix that. However, as an alert and aware Scorpio, you know this is the whack-job of transits as Mars is opposite yourself. Mars does this. You can see the good, you can see the bad, you can see both. Rather a mixed message. Here’s the way to harness this properly: understand that the emotional roller coaster is just that, understand that this “feels bipolar,” and understand that you’re not crazy. Although, on that last one, I’m not a trained professional so I can’t make that diagnosis. I’m pretty sure you’re not crazy, but there are moments this week when you feel it. Use that energy. Play through the pain. use the energy to fuel yourself further, farther, faster, and then? Emerge as the better Scorpio.

Sagittarius:

I’m hardly a person who can lecture about taste. As far as an “artist,” and I have to go with the loosest possible definition here, my “artistic ability” should be questioned.

Critic? Sure, but as a critic, I’m the guy who can’t do something so I can critique it. Not a problem. I know that position. I don’t mind telling you what you’re doing is wrong, even if I have no idea of the nature of the task. The problem being, with me, as a critic? With Sagittarius, this week?

It’s about our tastes. We have no tastes. Especially obvious this week. Some of my Sagittarius friends, yes they have excellent tastes. Some of them are designers, artists, whatever. However, this is one of those weeks, this only gets worse as the week get longer, this is one of those weeks when our tastes are not all that good. Bad? I wouldn’t say that, but it’s a good start. Horrible? Maybe not that bad, but pretty awful. This is about color selection, this is about adornments and putting colors together that might not fit so well with each other. It goes much deeper, but that’s as good place as any to hang this kind of sense for our week. Tastes. Pretty bad. Going to awful. Going to get worse before it gets better, too. Matters of taste? Put it off until our senses return. Or do like me, hire an expert.

“Do I like this shirt?”

Capricorn:

Like to get ahead on this one? Take the offer. That simple. Someone, next few days, someone, look, to me, this looks like a company has “head hunted” you, and they’ve tendered an offer. Looks like a better deal.

Take the new offer. Take the new deal. Take the job, the house, the car, whatever is pending? Just say “Yes.” That simple. If you do the typical Capricorn thing, and if you stop and try analyze the permutations, excitations and other “ations,” we’ll be here until the offer is rescinded. You have limited amount of time to take this offer, and while it’s not the best Phase of the Moon, not when I would take something, I’m not the Capricorn and I’m not the one with this offer pending. The biggest, scariest part is the time limit on the offer.

“Hurry, sugar, times a-wastin’” is what I hear. Still, is this in your best interest? I’m not sure that it’s all A-OK, what I’m thinking, is we will have to come back and renegotiate part of this deal later. But for now? Take it.

Aquarius:

I used to have this all sorted out. Used to be easy, there was a month, happened every six months, regular as can be, and I’d go the skin doctor, the teeth cleaner guy, and then the general check up (she’s a capable Sagittarius, so that’s a girl to me). One, two, three, every six months, I had them all in row.

I could usually fit them all in one week, and then, I’d be good to go. GP draws blood, tells me I’m normal. We laugh about that. Rarely see the dentist himself, just the technicians who seem to rotate through with alarming regularity, and then, the skin doc, who just likes to burn various spots with liquid nitrogen and lecture me about wearing more sun-block. According to the skin doc, I should be covered in SPF 50 clothing, every day, in the summer. Which I’m not. Which is why I see the skin doc every six months.

Something’s gotten screwy though, and I’m sure you’ll understand because this is a very Aquarius kind of screw up. The careful orchestrated set of appointments are all out of whack. What used to tie up three mornings, once every six months is now an ongoing ordeal, taking up way too much of my time, dragging on for what seems like months at a time. Here’s the dealio, Aquariusouso, cope.

The upsets, delays, and otherwise thwarted plans and planning will be rent asunder. Or there will be time enough to get it all done, just not in the compact, and concise, order that it used to be. It’s the Taurus influence, just complicates the Aquarius plans.

Pisces:

Best rent car I ever drove? Might be two, but one of them was certainly a tiny Prius in Seattle. It’s a Prius, for gosh’s sake. Gutless. Organic, free-range, all-natural, I’m sure. Perfect earth-muffin car, am I right? So the Prius was perhaps the best rent car I ever drove. Not much, I mean it’s a Prius, I can’t expect it to go fast or make noise.

Not much of car, but then, I don’t need much of car to haul me around. It was perfect. And in Seattle? Even more perfect, I blended right in. I realize this was some years back, but I did blend in quite well. I blend with basic, Left Coast aesthetics, anyway, longhair, earrings, no tattoos, but hey, not so you’d notice or anything. This isn’t about me. This was about my favorite rent-car experience. I liked that one. It was memorable in that it wasn’t memorable. Basic car, sipped gas, didn’t guzzle it.

Pause long enough to consider the best rent-car experience you’ve ever had. As a Pisces, there’s a piece of free-floating memory, an unattached piece of your past that needs to be anchored. Like, what was your best rent car experience?

I mean, the other time? Ford Town Car, Crown Vic? Blazing through the back roads at possibly illegal speeds? That’s another story, and I’m not sure the statute of limitation and that rent-car company, oh never mind. Free-floating memory. Best rent car experience?