Horoscopes starting 1.14.2016

    (Aside to Gloucester)
    He knows the game; how true he keeps the wind!
    Duke of Clarence in Shakespeare’s Henry VI, part 3, act 3, scene ii, line 14

Horoscopes starting 1.14.2016

CapricornCapricorn: Retrograde Mercury pretty much goes un-retrograde on top of Mr.Pluto. Pluto himself is under increased scientific interest and increased scrutiny. With this serving as an astrological focal point, the “increased scientific scrutiny” laps over to Capricorn. Still some Cappy birthdays left, hello to my friends, and then?

There’s a kind of attention that is sometimes warranted and sometimes, it feels like it is unwarranted. Not that it matters, most of of my Capricorn energies are way more prepared for this than any other sign. The sense of birthday foreboding and close, scientific scrutiny wears off once the Full Moon passes, but until then?

Be ready.

AquariusAquarius: One of my buddies, in a fit of pique, had been terribly unkind to a certain girlfriend of his. Later, and it wasn’t much later, that exact same behavior was reflected back to him. I felt his pain, just a little, or, at least, I could pretend to commiserate, as I’ve felt a similar kind of punishment from time to time, myself. Unjustified, if you ask me, but no one did.

“This is that ‘karma’ thing you always talk about, huh?”

Yes, that’s about it. Goes around, comes around. As an astrologer, and as I looked at your planets, what with this and that lining up in Capricorn, and Mr. Mercury in his Retrograde Pattern? I keep seeing something from the recent Aquarius past, back as a haunting element.

“I’m not sure I like this ‘karma’ thing, you know, kind of sucks.”

Which was why, over the the last few weeks, I’ve warned about making Mercury mistakes while in the midst of the retrograde pattern. It’s not bad, it’s not good, it’s not anything. However, thinking we can get away with it, just this once? Fair warning, one last time, this time, maybe not. Your time is coming, but it’s not here, yet.

PiscesPisces: A portion of my family’ lineage is “Southern.” Southern Gothic, to be most correct, but not everyone is. The Southern roots include food as more than palliative substances, it’s a form of nurture. “Food is love,” or, to be more precise, “food is how we express love when our words fail us.” Or, in some cases, when a member of my family are too lazy to use words, the action of putting food on the table is considered an act love.

Food is a demonstration of love.

Pisces, darling, food is love this week. When Mercury is backwards, and the full moon is approaching? We all need some kind of assistance. The perfect approach is look for that Pisces comfort food. Food is love, right?

AriesAries: The source of that which harkens back to the Aries days of old? It’s not really a Mercury Retrograde thing, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s call it that. There’s really another influence that this energy hangs upon, but I’m less interested in naming the source, and more interested in an activity that will help the Aries to move forward. Move forward despite an echo, a yearning, a draw that seems to exert a terrible pressure, begging you to fall back into the ways of old. Spinning down the dark recesses of time. Terrible and yet, hauntingly familiar and the yearning is there, to go back to something that was before.

Didn’t work, then. Won’t work, now.

My goal is to remind you not to go back to what was before, what didn’t work then. Might not be able to make it work now, too. Therein is the problem. The old ways die hard.

Me? I’d blame Mercury Retrograde for dredging the Aries mind — one last time — down memory lane that maybe we didn’t want to go down. Solution? Aries activity. Anything that seems to be a forward motion that involves Aries movement. Given the disarray of the planet it might not be a forward motion, but it will feel like it. Less time thinking, more time doing.

TaurusTaurus: All you need is a little help from your friends. Wait, that could be a song. All you need, to survive this Mercury Retrograde, all your Taurus self wants, all that is required? A little help, a little assistance, some degree of someone else making an effort to lend you a hand.

Sometimes, it’s the simplest of gestures, too. I helped a woman, on crutches cross a busy street. Wasn’t any kind of a big deal, all I did was stop and offer assistance. Almost nothing out of my life, maybe I paused for a few beats, not more than a second or two, as the ticker ticks. Helped her immensely, less from physical standpoint and more from an emotional way of seeing it. Even little steps are big helps. I think it was the idea that some person would pause long enough to offer an arm, although, to be fair, I was precious little real help, still the thought brings a wan smile. Important. Offer assistance. In the case of Taurus, I’m suggesting you need the help, and the easiest way to get help? Offer to help someone. Token gesture, even.

“Do you need help?

“No I got it, but thanks!”

See how easy that is?

GeminiGemini: I’m never sure which part of the equation fits my Gemini brothers and sisters. Yes, Mercury is retrograde all this week, and in Capricorn, too. The suggestion is that this is about relearning a lesson that we’ve already covered. Can’t say I didn’t warn you. Can’t say this snuck on your Gemini self by surprise. Can’t blame other signs for your own failure to properly prepare for Mercury’s misgivings. We have no one else to hang this one on, and therein is the problem. We’d all like a little outside help and I can’t make that happen, not now. This is about sucking it up, cupcake, and this is about shouldering your Gemini way through this mess, at the moment.

Gemini buddy of mine, yes, his name is “Bubba,” will ring me up and describe an onerous vehicle problem with two or three expensive solution scenarios. He might even go over to the auto parts store and buy a single part, aiming to install the piece while in the parking lot.

What happens, my Gemini friend, with little assistance from anyone else? That expensive repair turns out to be a very inexpensive repair, but we’re not going to figure that out until after this Mercury Retrograde is over and the Sun gets into Aquarius.

CancerCancer: Got to find the humor, here, got to find the humor. Sometimes, it’s sad. Sometimes, it’s funny, like slapstick comedy. Other times, like now? Got to find the humor. Mr. Mercury is Retrograde in the sign that is opposite from Cancer. The moon is rapidly becoming full. As the moon ripens in its cycle, there’s a sense of urgency associated with the Cancer’s mental outlook. To you, it’s a serious threat. To me? I’m not a moon-child, so for me, it’s not that big of deal, which, in part, is part of the problem, because, from an outsider’s point of view, the way the non-Cancerian people see this?

We see this as firmly in the category of “Not a real problem,” which, in turn, just adds to the Cancer consternation.

The root issue traces back to more than Mercury, but that’s as a good a start as any, for my simplified explanation. Which, in turn, leads back to my original premise for the way to handle all of this, “Find the humor.”

Might slapstick comedy before this week is over. Never can tell. I can tell, but I’m not sure you like the answer. Find the humor therein.

The LeoThe Leo: In a perfect world, we all bow down at the foot of the majestic Leo and do whatever it is that you bid us to do. In a perfect world. The world is far from perfect these days. If just one Leo ran the whole thing? Think much easier it would be. Everyone would have appointed tasks and then, the jobs would all be handled in a timely fashion, with your majestic Leo minions, along to “Peel you a grape.” The way it should be. The world is far from perfect. The world is hectic, chaotic and as of this next few days, out to set your ire on fire. Leo ire is not something mere mortals should tamper with, however, as it happens, it seems like we’re all out to get on your nerves because we don’t follow your clearly defined instructions.

If it were a perfect world, and magnificent Leo directions would first and foremost in our minds, and this would be an easy task to accomplish. No mess, no fuss. No problem.

Problem: it’s not perfect world. More than ever, especially now, this week, learn to forgive us our shortcomings since, as it would seem, no one is listening to you. Obviously, I got it right, so I must be listening to The Leo; however, I am but one person.

VirgoVirgo: I have this one diminutive Virgo lass in mind, but we can carry this image forward to cover all of y’all. She’s not too tall, and she doesn’t usually get upset when everything goes all wonky, like it is. However, in the next few days, I can just see this happening, she will be face-to-face with a Very Virgo issue, and since it’s not working out correctly, thank Mr. Mercury, we can assume there’s going to be some very Virgo repercussions.

She’s mad and she’s going to stamp her wee, little feeties.

There might be some, especially unusual for most Virgo-like people, there might be some rather coarse language. Personally, I was hoping for a Virgo “wardrobe malfunction,” but that might just be me. There’s a slip up, a situation where the plans seem to fall totally off the rails, where nothing works out the way it is supposed to.

The trick? That one little Virgo lass, she has a way to express her dismay, displeasure, and she has a move that lets everyone in the immediate area know she is not happy about whatever it is. Stamp your feet, Virgo dear. Works for her, but she’s practiced at it, and there’s a certain look that speaks volumes while easily alerting the area that there is a problem, and someone had better do something. Virgo, it’s a Mercury thing, how are you going to tell us, otherwise?

Stamp your feet.

LibraLibra: In the middle of an almost cold winter, it’s hard to think about tropical paradise and Jimmy Buffett songs. However, there’s a really old tune of his that comes to mind, with lyrics that speak to this very moment in Libra

    “If we could sit on the bed in some motel
    and listen to the stories that we’d tell….”

I never claimed to be able to remember this stuff exactly, and at least one Virgo-Flavored Libra will look those lyrics up and correct me. Not what this is about, it’s about the stories that we tell ourselves.

Myth, metaphor, and meaning. What do the stories mean and what do they represent? The stories themselves become a focal point with synodic Mercury period because the stories are about our shared histories, and those are the ways we define ourselves as people. Make note of the stories we tell ourselves. Pay attention to what the stories are, what we tell ourselves. I’m also, this is a Libra quality, a fan of what “Feels true,” even if the truth itself isn’t exactly represented. “Feels true,” that’s the test for these stories we tell ourselves, does it feel like it could’ve happened that way?

ScorpioScorpio: Grumble. It’s that simple, grumble. Mutter veiled threats under your breath, give dirty looks, and mumble. Most effective? Get “that look” in your Scorpio eye, and mumble. In the movies, at one point, when background crowds milling around were required, the catch-phrase, might be more myth than fact, the lore suggested that the crowds were instructed to say, “Rhubarb,” over and over.

I never fact checked that commentary, and I’m unsure of my source. That being duly noted, the secret to Scorpio success is muttering under your breath, making the appearance of dire threats, the way it looks? It looks like you’re complaining and bitterly swearing vengeance. It looks like you’re threatening, carrying a grudge and indulging in a common form of Scorpio-flavored bitterness.

The grumbling, the apparent, we can’t hear it, complaining, the look of ire? With Mars smoking you on one end and Mercury backwards on the other end, there is no easy way out. Grumble. Grumble in quiet terms. The lower your volume, the more we’re afraid of what you might do.

Scorpio: no action required.

SagittariusSagittarius: Mars rapidly approaching from one side hints at new-found energy and cheer. But he’s not here yet. Mercury, retrograde, at the other end of the Sagittarius psyche, again, problems.

What to do? Smile. One buddy stopped by, we had been working on a boat’s motor, and he was asking if I had fulfilled some obligations.

“Not yet, but I’m working on getting there!”


That’s the way this goes. Folks are asking for the impossible, or, at the very least, the highly improbable, and the trick?


“I’m working on getting that for you right now!”

Didn’t say when, so my answer?


“Almost there, might have it soon!”


About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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