Horoscopes starting 12.14.2017

    The cat will mew, and dog will have his day.
    Hamlet in Shakespeare’s Hamlet V.i.166
    Saturn enters Capricorn, Dec. 19, 2017 at 10:48 PM — Central (+/-).

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Portable Mercury Retrograde

Horoscopes starting 12.14.2017




Flying back to Texas from New Mexico, I had to wonder. It was after a summer excursion to the land of hot peppers, and I’d picked up a couple of baggies of ground chili pepper, more as a seasoning than anything else. Some red, some green, hot, flavorful New Mexico peppers ground fine, like dust. I had them in baggies, maybe an ounce of red and an ounce of green, From that one batch, the red was hotter — but it doesn’t always work out that way. I was pulling some of the spices out for winter-time, “road kill” chili, the other day. Perfect Mercury in Retrograde action, right? What I was wondering, nothing to do with my famous chili recipes, what I was wondering, why didn’t I get searched at the border, or the airport, when I had clearly suspicious baggies of powder. I know going into Cali or AZ, there’s that thing about live produce, live plants, and illegal drugs. While the powder is far from illegal, maybe this says more about my mind, I would think it looks suspicious — very suspicious.

My recollection from last summer was that the green held more heat than the red, but before I mixed it into the chili, I taste tested the two batches. It was the green that was hotter. No, the red. Taste test, then taste test a second time. While I love a flaming hot chili, with Mercury in Retrograde and that one, delicate girlfriend with sensitive taste buds, if I want her around, I’ve got to be extra careful not to overpower the burn sensation. Taste test, two, maybe three times — can’t be too careful now.


An article was linked by one of my online buddies, probably from a blog post, about “How cats got domesticated.” That’s funny, to me. Anyone who has ever been in possession of a feline knows that cats aren’t so much as domesticated, rather, they — cats — pretty much just have handlers or keepers. Or large, hairless apes who feed the cats, pet the cats, and empty the litter box as needed. I might be biased, though.

Most of my buddies don’t get that I’m just not a dog person. Nothing against dogs, I’ve known a few smart dogs in my lifetime. And dogs are usually unconditional with their love. It’s amazing. But no, I’m not much of a dog guy. I like cats for their aloof, detached, non-committal attitudes. There’s a strong sense of independence that runs through the kittens I’ve known.

It’s funny that Capricorn would be interested in just how cats became domesticated. Like, there’s an urge to domesticate some, someone, something, a pet or a person, and that’s not really in the best interest of the Capricorn. Sometimes, trying to force an issue doesn’t work well. This is one of those times.


I use myth and metaphor to describe certain energies. So this is the original “Scrooge” kind of time. It’s about being sicken unto no end with the amount commercialized, cloying, clinging, tug-at-the-heartstrings (through the wallet) kind of energy. A perfectly normal holiday season just ruined by crass commerce, over and over. I had one image, a palm tree with a Santa Claus underneath it, and I thought that about captured my sentiments for this season. The idea of snow and sleds, reindeer, and the “White Xmas?” All good, in northern climes, like Dallas or Amarillo, but this far south? It’s a little ridiculous. To be honest, I’ve seen snow, just a light dusting, freeze this town solid. Gridlock, deadlock. But there’s something rather amusing — I spent some time in the desert, too, like Arizona? The old thorny cactus with a single Xmas ornament on it, hoping for snow? Yeah, not going to happen.

So after discussing the warm weather places and the lack of locally sensitive decorations? This is a time to focus on what is most important. Getting all kinds of riled up over inappropriate holiday decorations has no place, and no time, in the Aquarius world. Not now. Got things we got to get done while everyone else is being culturally inappropriate.


Pause. I pulled together what I thought was the best of my collections from various sources about what to do when Mercury was Retrograde, my Portable Mercury Retrograde collection. Pause.

As Saturn shifts into Capricorn, there is a gradual sense of relief. Pause.

The Pisces challenges are nothing more than cleverly disguised mercurial issues, and none of those are that big of a deal. Why I pulled together that book, some years ago. What to worry about. What not to worry about. What to address. What to put off until a later dater. Pause.

This whole shift with Saturn is going to spill out a flood of good stuff. That’s good. Pause.

Pause, Pisces: pause. Despite the gentle and uplifting shift? Mercury is still retrograde, and that means you’re best served with a simple pause.


Love me my Aries friends, as they are blunt, to the point, honest, direct, and quite incapable of stretching their truth. Some are vivid raconteurs, but that’s not the way I mean “Telling stories.” So I like my little Aries friends, got it? As we get the very first of the Saturn in Capricorn material, the very first taste? Combined with that Retrograde Mercury in Sagittarius, thank-you-very-much, there’s a series of mistakes, bound to happen, next few days.

“My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners, an old friend came into town, I had a flat tire, there was a rain, a terrible flood…”

A whole litany of excuses, right?

None of this is too troubling, but there combination of big forces and little events should leave your Aries self wondering, “Is it me?”

Yes and no. It might be you, but the planets are — indeed — conspiring to cause some discomfort. You paid attention, this can’t have caught you by surprise, so now’s the time to rest on those Aries laurels, and sit back, enjoy the holiday season. Rushing to and fro just results in harried Aries — no need for that.


Take a step back from the holiday madness. The way Saturn shifts into a compatible earth sign, as Saturn slips into Capricorn? That’s going to set up a dynamic that is absolutely wonderful for Taurus — eventually. The promise of reward and success, fiscal and emotional? All there. That’s the good news. We’re not “there” yet. Yes, this is the start — yes, a beginning of sorts. Yes, a good point to look back on in six, eight weeks, or months, even, and say, “That was when it shifted.”

However, a stable — some would say “Staid” (not me) — but potentially a somewhat reserved Taurus?

Doesn’t feel so wonderful as there’s a push-and-pull on some Taurus parts of the psyche, soul to some. While patience is a normal Taurus attribute, this particular Mercury in Retrograde renders that almost null and void. Which is the problem because, now, more than ever, a little patience goes a long way to seeing you through this mess of a week.

Me? I can easily blame the holidays and the Christmas Crush of marketing.


In the span of about two hours, I had three different Gemini hollering at me because of silly Mercury in Retrograde events. Three GeminiSign of the Twins, right? Three Gemini is like six people yelling at me. Whining, complaining, then hollering, and all at the same time, with two in tears, as well as angry.

Three become six, and six become eighteen, so I dealt with — maybe — two dozen Gemini problems in a two-hour window. I turned my phone off after that.

Because this is a business phone, I don’t really turn it off. But I do set it to silent. With that, this reminded me of the “old days” in Austin, when, in one trailer park, I had a phone on a flasher instead of a ringer. If I saw it flash, I could answer it, but if I didn’t see it flash? I could keep working on whatever it was I was toiling away with, like paying closer attention to a terse Gemini message.

To avoid some more problems this next few days? Less on the phone and more face-to-face for communication. Makes it easier for Gemini, and we all get along better. Besides, as Saturn shifts? There will be relief.


When I lived on the lake, for certain areas, I knew exactly where the underwater obstacles were. I’m pretty sure it was a stump, and I’m pretty sure the bass liked to lurk around it. I even caught a catfish one time, Mr. Whiskers. Anyway, that stump never changed, but I was working some bait around it, and I let the hook and plastic-lie worm sink to the bottom, felt the line go slack, and I waited. Then I jiggled it just a little, and something nibbled at the bait, probably put it in its mouth to taste it. I pulled back sharply to set the hook, and promptly buried the hook in that stump.

The obstacle was always there. It was not a new feature. My reaction, my hasty hook-set, the sharp pull? Too fast, too quick, too powerful, and the obstacle? Rooted in the river’s bed? That stump wasn’t going anywhere, anytime too soon.

There’s an obstacle, a fixed piece that’s always been there. Getting a Cancer Moon Child in too big of a hurry? Next few days?

You’ll be stuck, just like me, pulling on a hook that is buried in an old stump, under the water.

Someplace, too, there might be a fish laughing at us.

The Leo

Don’t fix anything. Simply put, there’s an urge to correct, adjust, or just plain “fix” something at this moment. Might be a situation, a person, or even the neighbor’s Xmas lights. Whatever it is that your Majestic Leo Self thinks needs fixing?

Don’t fix a thing.

It’s not yours, it’s not your issue, it’s not going to go well if you try to fix it, not at this moment.

Old adage, always served me well, and really applies at this moment in The Leo’s space-time continuum.

“No good turn goes unpunished.”

I’ve warned you. Let the non-majestic, non-Leo people work it out.

The Leo: “No good turn goes unpunished.”


There’s always one who can get away with High Crimes at a time like this, but the rest of us? No. Don’t even try. That one? Sure, but the rest of us? Not a good idea. Stick to the letter and spirit of the law, in that order. There are, of course, extenuating circumstances, and there has been, on more than one occasion, a situation where I was well within the spirit of the law, but the contractual obligations were different. Letter of the law. As the rules are spelled out, don’t try and deviate. “But I’m right in the spirit of the way this was intended!”

I agree, in spirit, but if you pick the fight? I am not going to stand by you. I wind up being collateral damage, and we both go up in flames. Not much fun, not for me. Much as I love my Virgo friends, no, I’m not following you on this one.

There’s a planetary influence that heightens, lengthens, and shortens the synodic mercurial issues. The keys to successfully negotiating this next few days? Stay within the proscribed guidelines. Don’t deviate. Yes, this cramps my style, as I’m not prone to “Coloring within the lines,” but this isn’t about me. This is Virgotime and the message is clear: Letter of the law. Stick with it.

Maybe I shouldn’t be doling out this advice, though, as I’ve often gone with, “This might be wrong, but it sure is fun!”


A careful perusal of my body of astrological work would reveal that I go against tradition in some ways. I’m not adverse to Mercury in Retrograde, and rather than fight with it, I suggest all manner of ways a body can move in concert with a planet in apparent retrograde motion. Blamed for much more chaos than it can really cause, Mr. Mercury is playing with the Libra communication skills, at this moment. There is a marked trend to loud, wrong, and that results in loudly wrong. Not that it has ever bothered me to wrong in a public manner, no, I’m known to play the fool. However, this isn’t about just me, this is about Libra, and those steps we can take to move in concert with the planets.

Realize, after reading this admonition, realize that your voice might carry a little louder than intended, and a typical Libra stage whisper might come across as more like a strong verbal command, and if you understand this? It might make it easier to realize that verbal commands — or other communications — might be getting garbled. What to do?

Turn the volume down, for starters.


This never happened, not to me, but this is what it would be like. I’d be working someplace, sitting at my table, perusing astrology charts and making pointed comments. Like out of a staged haze of smoke, female figure start undulating and rolling my way. Smoky allure, accentuated by the stage smoke. The slow roll of the hips, the bounce and jiggle, all the right parts in the correct places, and yes, this is strongly wrapped in innuendo, but it’s a Scorpio thing. Right? Right.

The eyeliners, the long, black lashes, bright red lips, nails in a fashionable but dark color, and maybe? Filed to a point. Depends on the scenario. We sit, I’m momentarily speechless, it happens with some Scorpio, and then? There’s littlest sound of flatulence. “Pffft.” Kind of ruins the moment. Takes Scorpio sexy situation and elevates to more Sagittarius or even Capricorn level of bawdy revels. Maybe not elevates, lowers, might be the better direction —

Scorpio: It’s part of Mercury Retrograde pattern, but even with all the Scorpio Seriousness, there’s still some action that is out of your Scorpio grasp, and it escapes, and that can ruin it. Or make it funnier. Depends. Fart jokes are really old.

Don’t get so serious. It’s that time of the year.

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About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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