Horoscopes for 8.1.2019

“Henry the Fifth, thy ghost I invocate:
Prosper this realm, keep it from civil broils,
Combat with adverse planets in the heavens!
A far more glorious star thy soul will make
Than Julius Caesar or bright—”

  • Duke of Bedford in Shakespeare’s Henry VI, part I, 1.1.52-6

Happy Birthday!

Horoscopes for 8.1.2019

The Leo

The Leo
Ad came through on a sales sheet. It was advertising a steeply discounted printer. It was wireless, a printer, and a scanner, all in one. Great toy. Pretty much useless now, too. How many times do I print? Maybe a half-dozen charts in a year, think it’s been more than two years since I wrote a letter that I printed out and mailed in to a person. Did labels for a mailing, a few years back. Nothing in recent memory. Every once in a great while, I’ll actually print up the chart for a client, but that is less often.

I was proud, I pioneered the digital delivery astrological data, check the history of the site. However, this birthday season, for the very best Fixed Fire Sign of all? For The Leo? That printer was like ten bucks. Last printer I got like that? It was an “add-on” to a sale, like, “Buy this computer and get a printer free!” Don’t use it much. Hardly use it all. I use it as a magazine rack, and storage, like a staging area as the old printer won’t support much. I know, birthday time, right? Best wishes for a good new year, and when they seem to be just giving them away? The little fineprint said, “Ink not included.” There’s always a catch.

Virgo

Preventative maintenance. Simple enough, no? Can be problematic, though, if you over-think this one. Would any Virgo I know over-think a problem that isn’t a problem but without the right application of oil or grease, could become a problem? If you think about it, you can easily see how the wheels might fall right off this program without that oil. Or grease. Lubricant. Something, right? From a slight amount of preventative maintenance to a full-blown, disproportionate breakdown, all in a matter of Virgo minutes.

I’m here to be a simple reminder. Preventative maintenance rather than a full-blown, Virgo-panic, heart-stopping, world-ending malfunction. Sometimes, just a little drop of oil, real — or metaphorical — a little lube, a dab of social grease goes a long way in making everything better. The single phrase that helps Virgo through this next couple of days? Think about it? Preventative Maintenance. It’s really a simple task. Should be routine, right?

Libra

For me, I call it the “Electronic Leash.” While not — technically — a leash, it does serve as a way to keep in constant contact, or something like that, as need be. As a Sagittarius, I would see this as a restrictive attribute, but as a Libra? Probably not so much. Like the electronic leash is a good way to stay in touch. While someone might not be in the immediate vicinity or your Libra self?

Maintain that “touch,” perhaps, electronically. Maintain that way of being present, in mind, if not in person. Discussing this idea with one of my fishing buddies, he pointed out it sounded a lot like an electronic fence he used for his dog, you know, the kind that the collar shocks the dog if it tries to pass an imaginary line as defined by radio waves or something? As the Libra, I’km thinking much less than an electronic leash, like, for keeping the dog in the yard, and more like just a way to stay in contact.

Scorpio

The opening quote is from a little-performed play, the Henry 6 series, three plays, early works. While listening to the plays, I noticed there seemed to be a great deal of word play, and the mastery language that Shakespeare is noted for? Pretty obvious in these earlier plays. When I looked at the quote again, here’s a funny piece of trivia, the Henry 6 trilogy was written before the more-famous Henry IV & V trilogy.

Realistically, the plays should be considered historical fiction, rather than the misnamed category, “History plays.”

The incongruity with Shakespeare referencing Henry the Fifth, before that play was written? Just a small oddity in the material. Little bit of a pause, a bump, not a serious problem, not an ethical or moral issue, just a trivial sidebar item. Sometime, in the next seven, maybe ten days? Your Scorpio self will encounter similar inconsistencies. This is where “margin notes” are so important. While I wouldn’t do this with a library book, just about any other text that I own? I’ll jot a short note, or a date, inside the text, in the margins. This week is about weird inconsistencies, and then, just making a marginal note about that. Simple Scorpio answers to hard questions.

Sagittarius

Start. Complete. Repeat. Simple, three words. Three steps. Part of the process. How we work this energy? This week, in Sagittarius land? Simple. Three part process.

“Start. Complete. Repeat.”

It’s super not complicated, but you know, as a Sagittarius myself, we can compound and complicate such matters. The trick, the goal, the idea? Don’t over-think this scenario. Three easy pieces. Three component parts. Start. Like, start the project, start the journey towards the destination. Complete. Complete the process you just started, we just started. Finish the project. Finish the book. Gets to the destination. Repeat. Do it again. Do it again and again and again, as much as needed. It’s a simple pathway to success, Sagittarius sucess — that’s my goal. To get there? Three easy pieces.

“Start. Complete. Repeat.”

Capricorn

Way I was taught, the “American Way?” Simple: buy low, sell high. I had to get a few failures under my own belt, a few times when I bought at the peak and sold and the bottom, just to understand how this works.

Failures — yeah — let’s call those “Learning experiences.”

However, back to the simple notion that “Buy low,” as in buy when the price is down? That’s a good start. Sell when the price goes back up. Here’s the tricky part of this week, one, “Low, low, LOW” price? Might not be the best deal. Or might be a false bottom, and it can go lower. Or, are you selling? Is this for real? Or can you treat this like the — there’s a local place I treat like a Mexican Market because every price in all the kiosks, every price seems to be negotiable to a trained eye. Willing to haggle.

“You take $5? No?” Then I walk away, “Wait, wait, you’re killing me here, how about at least $7?”

See how that works in the market square here? However, just a side note about my own business? I don’t bargain, barter, or “deal.” Not how this works. However, for Capricorn? Let’s see what kind of deal we can get going. With someone else, not me.

Aquarius

Working in the garage at a buddy’s house, he asked for something, a certain screwdriver, said it was in the top of his tool box, and I wandered over to fetch him the tool. Boat’s in the garage, along with several dozen fishing poles, and his wife’s car. We have to be careful, although, she was gone at the time.

Digging around in the top of his tool box, I found some nail polish. Clear, and white, then some kind of candy red.

My fishing buddy, he’s pretty macho. Not in an overbearing way, but manly, so this was different. In this situation? A mock is called for. I grabbed the screwdriver he wanted, tiny little thing, then the bottle of white nail polish. I asked if he was hiding something from me. He looked up briefly, “No, I use that, the white polish, front sight of my dad’s old revolver.” Matter of fact, no problem, I understand. The clear polish? “Use that on the fishing poles, when I have to repair the line guides.” But Candy Apple Red? “Oh that? Wife’s old car.” She had red sporty thing for a while. I didn’t know that nail polish was a good way to fix minor scratches. My buddy never flinched, never looked up from what he was working on, my insinuations and tone didn’t impugn or impinge on his “manhood.” Kind of ruined it for me. Careful, given where earth planets are, careful with an attack, even one in jest, like mine, and having it totally deflected.

“Would you hand me that wrench over there?”

Pisces

Back to school special! For Pisces and Pisces alone? We need a “back-to-school special deal. If there isn’t one, fabricate one of your own devising. We need a sale, a special deal, a one-time-offer, something, and for me, I would tie this to “back-to-school” stuff. I don’t know, maybe tax free this week?

“We pay your closing costs!”

Old favorite, “Even if it doesn’t drive, drag it in, and we’ll trade!”

Some of these are impossible terms. Some of these are frank come-ons with no hope of being fulfilled. But some of these, let’s design an offer that appeals to your Pisces self this next few days. What would that look like? Trade in the old ride? Get a special deal on a new model? Looking for a quality pre-owned? Or is more basic, like school supplies that are all tax-free? Personally, I would have more fun with the “school supplies” because I would be looking at art tools, carefully concealed in the school supply aisle. Just stuff to play with, really. In any case, if you don’t find a deal you like? Then fashion one up for yourself.

Aries

“If you’re a lawn mower, everything looks like a lawn.” I never heard it like that before, but the one I was originally going to go with? “If you’re a hammer? Every problem looks like a nail.”

If you’re an Aries? Then everything is on fire?

If you’re an Aries, then everyone else needs your help?

If you’re an Aries, then you need to solve the other peoples’ problems.

This where I suggest we halt. Just because the only tool I have is a hammer? That doesn’t mean that this problem needs to be hammered. Might do with a bit of finesse, instead of the obvious, “I have a hammer in my hand, might as well take a swing at it” Or, “I got lawn mower, let’s see if we can cut this down.” That last one would really be more like, “Let’s cut this down with just the lawn mower.”

It’s great to come up solutions to other peoples’ problems. Noble, even. Altruistic. However, in the spirit of the times, and your own, Aries mental health? We got some stuff of our own that needs fixing, and no, it doesn’t involve a lawn mower or hammer, or getting hammered, although, for one of you, that is an option. Still, fit the action to the job, not the other way around.

Taurus

Concurrent with my career within astrology, I performed other tasks, as well. In part, this exposed me to hypocrisies of modern advertising. Or, in some cases, it wasn’t really “advertising,” but the bio headshot was either from 20 years ago, or the image had been manipulated, filters, frames, retouched, airbrushed — something — was done to the images.

Nobody got sued that I’m aware of, so I suppose that it was OK to fudge a bit, or a lot, on that kind of image. I was thinking about this because I have recent picture of me in the front of a boat, on the bay. Not retouched. No filters. Might be cropped a bit, or, I think I reduced the size of the RAW image, but other than that? Yeah, not a lot of manipulation. In addition, this shows me — recently. Prevents that kind of disquieted disconnect when we see one image online and then, in the real world, seems like the person has aged 20 quick years. I think of this as “truth in advertising,” but as a Taurus, you can couch these terms in any way that is comfortable.

But the important idea? Real image of you, now, not from 20 years ago.

Gemini

In the last 48 hours, one Gemini I know, Gemini Sun, Leo Rising, that one Gemini has made a complete turn around. From “Whoa,” as in “whoa there big fellah,” to “go-go-GO!” From whoa to go, in a mere 48 hours. Didn’t take long.

Not a typical Gemini, I might add, not with that Leo Rising. That’s also someone who did the homework. When Mercury was backwards, up until the last minutes of July, there was a willingness to confront the pain, resolve the issues as best they could be resolved, and a willingness to move forward, poised, waiting until August 1.

Pow! Boing! Call it what you want, from zero sixty in “Nothing flat!”

While this is not typical results, in the next five to seven days? Think about turning the corner, flipping the switch, or, to confuse matters, mashing down on the Gemini accelerator pedal. Whatever image works. While, technically, Mercury is not even out of his shadow yet? By that same technicality, he is no longer backwards and that means, from stop, stopped, and motionless, without inertia, to bouncing forward at a high rate of speed. Might careen off a few walls, just yet, but that is still — basically — forward progress and forward momentum.

Cancer

“Kramer, you are a colossal D-bag.” Well, there is that. Not like certain elements of the sky haven’t called me other names, or similar names, no, not the first time. Better people have called me worse names than “Douche bag.” What made this funny? I was trying some home-remedy stuff, a teaspoon of honey with a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar, sort of a hot toddy to stave off a late summer cold.

I had that “vinegar breath,” I think. So the analogy, and the metaphor, not wholly undeserved, either, but it did kind of fit. “Oh-oh, you are a giant, fizzy douche!” I doubt you’re drinking Apple Cider Vinegar concoctions right now, but they are good for you, makes a good lemonade-like drink.

I doubt you’re doing anything that would qualify for the first insult, “Kramer, you’re a colossal D-bag.” But the third part of this? Where the evidence, the physical evidence, smell my breath, smells like vinegar, right? Where the physical evidence suggests support for a statement. However, as an insult? Think about your archetype, the crab. The insult should slide right off your shell. Or, at the very least, like me. Of course I’m a douche — apple cider vinegar. That’s apple cider vinegar with a hint of local honey.

Like you? I'm almost sweet.

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About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.