Week of: December 2 – 8

Week of: December 2 – 8

“This is excellent foppery of the world, that
when we are sick in fortune-often the surfeits of our
own behavior-we make guilty of our diasters the
sun, moon, and stars, as if we were the vilians on
necessity, fools by heavenly complussion, knaves,
theives, and treachers by spherical predomninace,
drunkards, liars, and adulterers by an enforc’d obediance
of planetary influnece, and all we are evil
in, by divine thrusting on.”

Edmund in King Lear (I.ii.121-9).

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Some astrologer’s talk about a “critical degree” like there was degree which was more important than another degree. That’s not too important right now, but the idea that there is a planet at a critical point is important. Saturn has been slowing down for a while now, and after remaining rock-steady for a few days, this fellow is going cause a lift off. It’s like rising up into the sky on a Space Shuttle. So with Saturn leaving its impression all over you, it’s time to for rearranging some mental furniture. The holidays are here, have some fun, too!

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: If at all possible, get out your tackle box while everyone is gathered around for the shopping season. Get caught looking as forlorn as possible while gazing at your meager collection of bass lures. Complain and sigh a lot about the fact no one ever seems to give you the right (#10) hooks for your trot line. Even a new minnow bucket would be nice, with one of those mesh jobs so you could set it in the lake. After all your theatrical ministrations and gyrations, you will find that the holidays will bring you much loot — but you have to let your desires be known.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: The last of the conflict about the family relationship thing is over with. Or it will be soon. Then you have lots of smooth sailing ahead. Get ready to head out onto the calm waters of the shopping mall as you engage in one of the best American sports ever: retail at Xmas time. While your at it, I could use some new gear myself….

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: It’s not like you you normally walk around with an inflated sense of self. It’s not like this is theme which seems to be happening again and again. But I would have a tendency to warn you about certain things which are not considered in good taste. Does the expression “going on a cruise” mean anything to you? You do have travel plans coming, yes, but taking your significant other down to Dairy Queen might not be the right idea for “going on a cruise.”

Leo [7/23-8/23]: This week, much like you, roars in, and the frenetic energy of the holidays sweeps you away. There are some things I would like to warn you about, though, like overeating before the holidays get here. Especially this week. I know, “Tis the Season” and all that rot, but you might want to consider a diet this week, just so you can be in great shape for the coming season of merry making. You do know that your busy social calendar is getting filled up early this season? Good or bad, you still get a list of events that you simply “must” go to. Lucky you.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: I always like getting presents from Virgo’s because the paper is usually recycled, but it is carefully recycled. And it’s usually something that I forgot to get for myself: toilet bowl cleaner, abrasives for scrubbing, something about “grout.” If you are shopping for that special someone, just remember that you want to give a gift that keeps on giving, long after the Xmas season is over. Like a good scrubber. But be careful with the scissors. As Pink Floyd would say, “Careful with that Ax, Eugene.”

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Have I ever tried to sell you my plan on how to get unspeakably wealthy though astrology? Looking at your planets for the coming week, I should really try to interest you in my scam, I mean, plan. The problem is, I haven’t perfected it myself, but I would guess that you could figure it out and get back to me on how I can make lots of money. You should be making lots of money, too.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Remember “Gilligan’s Island”? And remember that one episode where they almost got rescued but then, at the last minute, Giligan screwed it all up? You will probably feel like there is Gilligan in your life right now, and that person is making everything difficult for you. Of course, life never really resembles anything you see on TV, so maybe this won’t be a bad week, after all. Remember that one time on “The Love Boat” where Gopher screwed up this relationship….

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Did you ever watch Star Trek? No, not the new one, or any of the recent spinoffs, I mean the original one, with Kirk and Spock, and lord only knows what else. The idea of boldly going where no one has been before appeals to you. In fact, you will be tempted to run half way across the globe right because it’s a little hard to out of the gravity well so far. Global expansion plans are in the forefront this week as you start on a long an arduous journey. Must be Xmas time in the air. don’t you hate having a birthday so close to Xmas?

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Your life, right now, resembles the Beaver from that favorite series “Leave it to Beaver.” Seems like you could really use Ward and June to come along right now and straighten everything out. Think how nice it would be. Cookies and milk at the end of the show with a happy resolution, all done in less than half an hour. Well, on the real side of life, plan on leaving Santa Clause a package of Beef Jerky and some nice Jelly Donuts. Why worry about the Fat Man’s health? The Beaver would worry about it, and Ward and June would just say that it is so.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: You get thrown into the limelight this week as some events manage to drag you from your wing position to center stage, not to mix metaphors or anything. Get ready to strut your stuff in your hour upon the stage. Before you think that you are full of it, though, remember that this is a week wherein you feel good, and that you need to actively take action in order activate this actual energy. It is a good time to become more actualized. Get out there and be alert and alliterate.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Everybody else is winding up for the holidays and you are caught in some sort of deep blue funk. Look: the Nutcracker Suite is showing in your town. Or in a town near you. It’s got to be. The Ballet, the Opera, the Symphony, the Musical, maybe even the Play. Whatever. At the very least, go out and rent the tape or buy the CD. Not this sort of music is always to your liking, it might not be. But you will feel a certain kinship to “the dance of the sugar plum fairies” right now.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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