Week of: January 13-20, 1997

Be opposite all planets of good luck
To my proceeding if, with dear hearts’ love,
Immaculate devotion, holy thoughts,
I tender not thy beauteous princely daughter!

[always like Richard the Third on a day like this]

Richard the King in Shakespeare’s Richard the Third {Act IV, scene iv}

Monday the 13th! Oh no.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: I knew an Aries who once went without food or sleep for three days. That Aries said it was to improve the thought process. The result of the experiment was that the Aries discovered that they are not about thinking, but about doing. While this has been a troublesome week for you, and it looks like it doesn’t get any better, I wouldn’t advise you going without food or sleep–it doesn’t work, as empirical observation on that critter called Aries has proven. Next week: we’ll talk about the relationship stuff.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: While everyone else is worrying about minor details of life, you are able to step back and take grand look at the whole picture. it’s as if you can see a whole fishing season, all at once, before anything ever happens. you will note that you are set to catch some record size fish in June. The boat’s motor will have to be replaced by August. Your mate will get irritated at you putting fishing first in April. Yes, you can see all this right now, this week. The problem is, can you do anything with all this wonderful insight?

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: Concentrate on business for the first part of the week. I mean, concentrate on work as much as you can when your old ruler dude planet is doing its patented tailspin. Then, as the week progresses, you will find that your attention span needs to drift towards more homey things, like sprucing up around the old ranch homestead trailer house thing. It’s like this: go to work on Monday, and then come home and spend the rest of the week at home amusing yourself and whoever happens to stop because a Gemini is 1] never alone and 2] always entertaining.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: Suppose an artist shows up at your front door, what do you do? Buy them some pizza. This is a Zen riddle for modern times which makes more sense to Cancers this week. Approach the week like a Zen master and try to enjoy the sound of one hand clapping. Or buying pizza for an artist. Or, mediate on the bearings in an outboard motor which desperately needs a little oil. That’s whine you are a lot more familiar with. The machinery in your life needs some attention, and fast, too.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Also: I’m not doctor, and I don’t play one on TV, but you need to do something about that persistent cough. If you don’t do something now, it could turn into a nasty cold. Listen to me, I’m nagging you like I was your mother or something. That’s terrible. Anyway, once the cold goes away, which it will, you should have a fine week. I recommend hot tea and plenty of vitamins.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Now that the little evil one is securely in a dirt sign, you ought to be feeling the effects of this miserable time. Mercury ain’t retrograde yet, but you can feel it already. So much for the bad news. Now it gets worse: there is a little observed phenomena about to enter into your sign: the North Node, and this brings work. Lots of busy work. While this might be troublesome for an average sign, you will enjoy being busy again. Look forward to an increase in activity. You did check the suggested reading list didn’t you?

Libra [9/24-10/23]: The problem we have this week is that the good nature of an average Libra is being sorely put upon by the ill-mannered other signs. In fact, the other guys are doing their very best to upset you, and you are letting them get away with it right now. In fact, you keep letting them get away with it right now. You will find that your boiling point is rapidly approaching critical mass. My suggestion is to get some good crawdads and have a party. You probably won’t, but it was certainly worth a try to diffuse some of that angst.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: Here in fashionable Austin, Texas, home of FGS World Headquarters, we have been able to determine that Scorpio is not the meanest sign in the zodiac. In fact, this is a popular misconception shared by many astrologers. No, Scorpio’s are merely intense, and that’s the source of this agony. In fact, most Scorpio’s are so intense that they feel like the rest of the world is pretty shallow. What’s this got to do with this week? Your Scorpio stare will find itself gazing up to someone this week, a guru. Or fishing guide. Or similar personage. Go ahead, you might learn something.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Here at FGS World Headquarters, we have been able to determine that this is the exact week that you should embark on your new advanced scientific search for life on other planets. Maybe other worlds. In other words, this is a good week to get out the model rocket kit, fashion up a new toy or two, and blast away with the best of the rocket scientists. You are heading for a major break-through if you don’t have a major break-down.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: The sun is about to leave lovely Capricorn this week, and it does so with a big bang, hitting a couple of major planets on its way out. How will this affect you? I’m so glad you asked–I’ve whined and cajoled you about money plans, I’ve warned and whipped you with ideas, and now is the time for all the good stuff to happen. It’s sort of like sitting in bass boat at 4:00 AM on Saturday morning with the spray hitting you in the face as you cruise along at a high rate of speed. You are finally getting some where.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Say “hello” to the beginning of a rather disconcerting week for Aquarius. I mean, it’s like you’ve got all sorts of stuff bubbling up from the bottom of your own personal lake, and you can’t make any sense out of it. You keep trying to impose order on something that refuses to have order imposed on it. Forget it all this week–the only true yield comes from your subconscious and you are unable to deal with that. Your fishing buddies might look askance and edge away from you if you were to pull out a Tarot deck to plot a place to fish for the weekend. Then again, they are used to your weird antics.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: here at FGS World Headquarters, through years of painstaking scientific research and close personal observation, not to mention empirical observations garnered from the many road trips, let me warn you about the upcoming week: nothing untoward is going to happen to you. You’ll want to play a lot this week, and when the weekend gets here, you’ll want to lay about the house like some old couch potato. Just try to limit your intake of cheese fries because those can have an adverse affect on your waistline.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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