Week of: January 6 – 12

That wishing well had not a body in’t,
Which might be felt; that we, the poorer born,
Whose baser stars do shut us up in wishes,
Might with effects of them follow our friends,
And show what we alone must think, which never
Returns us thanks.

Helena from Shakespeare’s All Well That Ends Well (Act I, scene i)

Poor old Helena, carping about being poorer born. What do the stars say?

Aries [3/23-4/20]: That’s getting the new year off to a bang, now isn’t it? As the party season winds down, and as Mercury winds up, you are “in your face” confronted with a certain lack of communication with other folks in your life that you find important. Like fishing buddies who refuse to wake up in time to catch best predawn time to fish. Just as a consolation, ever try night fishing? A good lantern, a warm jacket, some bait, and little time? Might be just the trick to get you out of your rut.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: The problem you face this week has a simple solution: shut up. As with all Mercury Retrograde times, communication seems to have fallen on hard times and deaf ears. Mostly the deaf ear thing. There’s a county in West Texas called Deaf Smith, and that sure fits the way you are getting treated this week. Since you now know that this is a minor planetary influence, don’t sweat it. Those folks in West Texas don’t sweat it, so you shouldn’t.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: The good news is that you are, indeed, a flighty Gemini and, as such, to wit, per se, this is a good enough time for you despite the obvious problem with your little ruler, the speedy (Mercury) one doing his back sliding trick. Mercury really isn’t that much of a slacker, and neither are you. In fact, this isn’t going to be the usual miserable time associated with Retrograde status because Mars is halfway (actually one third) across sky lending you all sort of new and fresh energy. You have the zip and pep of new outboard motor, now just pick one direction and you’ll fell a lot better.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: The new year just hasn’t been too kind to you, now has it? It just keeps going from bad to worse, doesn’t it? No matter what you do, there seems like there is this terrible opposition to your almighty schemes top get out of the rut your in. Heed my advice, oh great mighty Cancer: chill out. It’s really too cold in most parts of the civilized world to be getting out and attempting to get ahead in the world right now, so just cool it. Chill. Take a breather. Catch five. Or hang ten: go to the coast, get a wet suit, and try surfing.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: All that romance which has been buzzing around like a persistent fly seems to dry up this week. I would recommend that you turn your attention to certain domestic chores like house repair and maintenance. In other words, get the tires on the trailer checked for air pressure because it looks like the universe is fixing to send you on a little trip soon enough, and you’ll want to be able to move fast. Just not this week, but soon enough. Have you found that you have a nagging sore throat thing this week?

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: Look at me Virgo: there. Now that I have your attention, let me know what it is that is bothering you so. Better yet, let me tell you what is bothering you: Mercury is retrograde, and that’s making life a little difficult right now because you have witnessed an increase in your drive and desire to make more money. So you have the motivational planet Mars pulling you one way, and Mercury, your ability to communicate these ideas, holding you back. Coming or going, you’re not to sure which way is up this week. Reminds me of Corvair.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Well, you’ll be thinking of phrases like “dynamic self-assertion,” and “empowered activity” and the people around you will be thinking “new age boob head.” The deal is this: you have the courage to forge ahead this week despite the usual caveats from planetary sources. The problem is sharp objects, whether that’s real or imagined, like power tools are not a good thing this week, and neither is the rapier like wit of Scorpio inflamed. What’s that one snake flag say, “Don’t tread on me”? You have been advised to keep it cool this week despite your best desires to the contrary.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: There’s this interesting planetary THING which neither astrologers or astronomers have been observing for very long, and this thing is making a visit to Scorpio. sit back, enjoy the ride, it’s going be a an interesting couple of years. This chunk of ice and dirt (“that giant dirt ball in the sky”) brings good news as well as a few lessons. Me? I keep thinking I’ve learned all my lessons, but it looks like you’ve still got a few in store. Get ready for some interesting times ahead.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: The week begins with a terrific combination for change, it’s that power pair of Pluto and the Moon. From rage to harmony, in less time than it takes most cars to from zero to 60. The good news is that there is certain homing instinct which kicks in to save you by the end of the week. But I would never, ever suggest that a Sage needs saving. It’s a good week to look for a fish finder, too.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Hunker down is about the only thing I can say to you Cappy’s this week. There isn’t a whole lot of other advice which really makes a lot of sense to you. You might care to remember that this isn’t a good week to barricade yourself in a TRAILER HOUSE, either because trailer houses have a way attracting tornadoes. something about atmospheric conditions, high winds and aluminum siding that seems to affect Nature’s primordial urges. And, as far as barricading yourself, if the Feds don’t come after you,then the weather will turn on you. It’s just all them little planets up in the sky, nothing really that serious.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: A good fisher Person pays attention to the ebb and flow of the tide, as well as the phase of the moon for fishing. There is a whole series of scientific documents which track the corollary between moon phases and fishes’ behavior. I would suggest that this is good week to indulge in a little research on your own about this field of study because it will yield a good catch for the weekend.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: Frugal is a key word for this week. Reminds me of a story: A second grade teacher told her class to use the word frugal, which means to save, in a short story. The next day, the Pisces came to class and shared his story. There was a princess drowning in a stream, and charming knight came along. The princess cried out, “Frugal me! Frugal Me!” So the knight in shining armor saved her, and then he frugaled her a lot. Now, does this story sound familiar?

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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