6.9.1997

Week of: June 9-15

“Thou art semsible innothing but blows, and so is an ass.”
in Shakespeare’s Comedy of Errors (IV.iv.25-6)

Aries : It’s time for housecleaning, but you have to work with me on this one, because I’m talking in metaphorical terms here. This housecleaning is an allegory for what you need to be doing. The mental attic of your mind needs some stuff rearranged. You need to crawl into that hot space (must feel like it’s a hundred up there) and rearrange the furniture. There are some old files in cardboard box which you need to look at. Sort of like an IRS audit, only different.

Taurus : It’s going to be an odd week for the fixed sign of Taurus. That’s the easiest way to describe it. It’s sort of like fishing in a-fishing in the barrel. Now, if you can land that cast just right (a barrel is a hard target with a fly pole), you can do really well. It’s like having a captive audience only you don’t know exactly how to reach them. Try using different bait and techniques this week, and watch what sort of good things will happen.

Gemini : Traditional Western Astrology suggests that this is a good week for the sign of the twins. But here at FGS World Headquarters, we’ve done a long and hard look at more than just one type of astrology and we have discovered that you might encounters some bizarre obstacles despite this being a birthday month for you guys. The silver lining in that old rain cloud right now means that you will get a spotlight position. Just try not to react like the proverbial deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck.

Cancer : This is a cool time for you because there is an unusual conjunction in the astrological heavens,. a tiny dirt ball called Juno is playing fast and loose with Venus. Both of these astrology things are relationship oriented. In fact, this could be the big one. Of course, you’ve had so many false starts that I won’t count on it this time. But I could be wrong, and you could be flying to Vegas for a wedding this week. Just stay away from the games because you romantic fortunes are good but your gambling sense leaves a little to be desired.

Leo : It’s just another sunny day in paradise for the sign of the tiger. I mean, the sign of the lion. Oh whatever. Feline feelings are running rampant this week. That would be a good thing for you. In fact, you will feel like finding your buddies, have a party, and wind up on the couch purring because everything is so good right now. Remember, you heard it all here first. This is a good week for parties, friends, and interactions with associates. Be the social cat this week.

Virgo : The trauma that was vested upon you by Mars is now all but completely repaired. That’s the good news. Even better, there is brief moment of clarity coming this week, where you feel like you have the foresight and vision to see the whole world, all laid out for you, and you keep waiting for the “the plan” to come together. Now, onto more mundane matters, this plan isn’t likely to really come together as fast as you would like it. Sorry to be the harbinger of doom, but still, since you now have had a glimpse of what it looks like, you know that there is a solid future ahead.

Libra : There’s a particular sound you make, and prior to this noise is a wrinkling of the nose, and the expression is one of distaste. You take your pretty little Libra features and screw your face up, just long enough to make a comment about the heady aroma of rotten fish. Looks like SOMEONE forgot to clean out last week’s catch. So this week, you’re stuck with cleaning up the mess from last week’s fishing expedition. It’s okay, because the world will be all right as soon as you get done scrubbing up after that mess you’ve been stuck with cleaning.

Scorpio : After getting lots and lots of vehement Scorpio mail and faxes, I’ve decided to step way out on limb this week — NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO A SCORPIO, EVER AGAIN. I sure hope my mother appreciates this information. While it may not be factual, it sure does look good and you Scorpio’s can now quit sending me faxes about how bad everything is because it’s all good. My fax line [512/448-0970] is always open, but I’m thinking about getting a “Scorpio Filter” for it. all you have going against you right now are two little planets [Jupiter and Uranus], and what’s life without a challenge or two?

Sagittarius : After years of toil and trouble, lucky archers do land on their feet, there is some good news happening right now. I regret to say, though, that this good news involves elemental changes in your life. Like the old pontoon boat is going to be replaced by a shiny new bass boat with big fins and lots of motors. Therein lies the good news. The problem is that you have become a lot more attached to the old boat than you are willing to admit, and you have to get rid of it before you can get the new boat. Out with the tired and worn, in with the new.

Capricorn : Duck bread: it’s that stuff which is too stale to feed to some people, and you save for the ducks. Now, dough bait, that stuff you make by rolling white bread between your fingers and turning it into a doughy substance. Combine the two–duck bread dough bait. That’s the hot tip for your summer fishing trips. What’s it mean? If it doesn’t catch you fish, you can always use a little alliteration to turn into an amusing swear word.

Aquarius : Look, I’ve got every one else using live bait right now, mostly minnows and worms, so what you should be doing is using artificial bait because it’s the exact opposite of what everyone else is doing. In other words, this a great week for luck (like fishing) if you take a completely different course of action.

Pisces : There’s a grizzled old veteran who fishes along the banks of Town Lake in beautiful, bucolic downtown Austin. I checked with him about what sort of bait he favors for the hot summer months.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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© 1993 – 2021 Kramer Wetzel, for astrofish.net &c.

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