9.15.1997

Week of: Sept. 15-21

Aries
I’ve been singing that ol’ favorite country song about working on the railroad, and you feel like you’re part of the chain gang. Your slavish devotion to work can lighten up this week. Really. Don’t get all stressed over something you have no control over. Besides, all work and no play makes you a dull Bubba. Plan on spontaneous playtime as soon as possible.

Taurus
A traditional astrologer would tell you to watch yourself this week because you face certain oppositions in life. A fishing guide astrologer such as yours truly might suggest that you get in bed and pull the covers over your head. Really. Bring provisions. It’s the best idea. In fact, if your week is anything like my week, I might join you. With the covers over our heads. We’ll play “covered wagon.” Woo-woo!

Gemini
Instant karma’s gonna get you. Your struggles against all sorts of SEEMINGLY insurmountable odds come back to haunt you like pictures taken during a drunken weekend. Folks just don’t see things your way. Yes, I know your mission in life is to change the world, to have everyone understand that Your Way is the right way. Being a Good Gemini, though, you will drop one project and skip to the next one because it’s easier. Be careful that you don’t drop the project on your own foot.

Cancer
I know you’re thinking about putting the car up on blocks this week in the front yard and overhauling the motor. Bubba, this just isn’t the right week for that. I can see you wrenching your back while trying to lift the motor out of the truck without a cherry picker. So, go easy on the physical activity. You don’t need to prove anything by lifting a V-8 with your bare hands. Use the right tools, and wear a safety harness With some of the doings in the heavens, heed the Pink. Be careful with any cutting instrument, especially your mouth. Incisive comments to friends and family could be worse than clear-cutting Amazonian rainforests. Friends and family don’t need to be sliced and diced AND juliened. Leave that to Ronco.

Virgo
It’s the tail end of Virgo this week, and a shift next week will signify the Sun moving from your Birthday House to your Money House. In regular terms, that means you’re fixin’ to make a pile of cash. Good news ahead for the Cruise Ship Virgo. Just watch that mouth for the next week or so — every Virgo I know seems to be wound up tighter than a ticking timebomb.

Libra
You won’t go quite as crazy on this full moon as you have in the past. In fact, a number of elements in the heavens are taming the shrew in you. Ephemeral astrological dust in your sign has drifted on to other signs, making your life easier. You should continue to follow your carefully dictated and prescribed period of rest and relaxation. If you can, take the week off and send me postcards from the road. I know you will.

Scorpio
A bumper sticker on my truck fits you this week: “Women want me; Bass fear me.” I’ve also had several girlfriends who have suggested that my bumper sticker has things mixed up. Why is my bumper sticker important? Because we have Venus and Mars in Scorpio right now, and your ability to coax fish (real and metaphorical) into your boat (figurative and literal) is biblical at a time like this.

Sagittarius
Looks like some of your long-established daily routines are about to be disrupted. It starts sliding downhill on Monday and then you’re swimming in it — not soaking in it. Ever been in a boat with a slow leak but one you can’t bail fast enough? It’s as if you’re slowing slipping beneath the waters of the lake while furiously scooping water from the sinking bass boat. Fear not, Baywatch babe. Your heroic efforts will pay off by week’s end.

Capricorn
On the tail end of disruption comes peace and calm. It’s like a morning on the lake when a fine fog precipitates the water’s calm edge, the air frozen in time, and it’s just you and the fish. You are that lake, calm, still, deep. The fish? They’re about to break the surface of that mirror. Your assignment this week is to fish like you’ve never fished before. Do whatever you do to keep the calm.

Aquarius
I’ve been signing the same Aquarius country tune about big trucks with big tires, and big hats with big hair. If you’ve ever traveled in the far reaches of West Texas, then you understand that Big Hair is still fashionable. In fact, it’s downright attractive in certain places. Don’t be afraid to try some new styles this week.

Pisces
Ongoing research at FGS World Headquarters has determined that Pisces is unduly influenced by the Moon when in your sign. With the Moon in Pisces on Monday, the tone is set for the week. Get ready for a nauseating ride on the death-defying roller coaster in this carnival we refer to as your life. Don’t you wish you’d stayed home this week?

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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