Week of: Sept. 29-Oct. 5

This week begins slowly, but I tell you what, things get hotter than Jesse Helms’ temper by mid-week. What kind of bait are you using? Consider changing your fishing supplies — the old minnow bucket has stuff left over from summer, and the smell is getting bad. Actually, it won’t bother you, but some of the fish you catch later this week might be offended.

I would never suggest that you’re stubborn. That’s a common astrological misinterpretation. Or bull-headed. That’s just not you. However, you do have a determined quality in your personality that’s driving other people to drink. You could even make a tee-totaling “Baptist we don’t dance” person start ordering shooters. Try your own medicine before you dish it out this week.

Remember Howard Beal, the madman tee-vee broadcaster who exclaimed in the movie “Network” that “I’m mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore!”? I don’t know what he was so irritated about, but I do know that you have pebble in your astrological boot, but it feels like a boulder, and it’s rubbed a blister the size of a June bug on your little toe. The solution: Swap those astrological cowboy boots for a pair of decent sandals. That way, you can shake out any problems.

If I were a Cancer — and I’m sorry I’m not since it’s often voted the best astrological sign by three out of four doctors — I’d look at my exercise regimen. Too much time hacking away on a computer and not enough time whacking softballs, tennis balls, or croquet balls isn’t good for the soul, not to mention the Bubba Physique. Get out of the house and exercise. What kind? Hey, that’s up to you. But the more violent the sport this week, the more chance of injury. In-line hockey? I don’t think so. Bubba, you need your teeth.

The mighty lions are creative geniuses this week. The golden touch is back. Use it with caution, though, because it’s easy to let some other [lesser] sign really rile you up, like messing up your finely manicured mane of hair that you spent hours fixing. You don’t need to let them do that to you, do you?

You start the week with nothing but romance on your mind but by the weekend, these fleeting thoughts are long gone. Turn your attention to important things, like catching a record number of fish. A trophy and prize money are just the boost you need. After the week you’re going to have, you’ll need a boost on the weekend.

Not many folks pay attention to Mercury because its influence is so mercurial. But with Mercury in your sign, you’re feeling rather flighty. The good news is that this brings an intense amount of good mental activity. The bad news is that the word “mental” has come to mean “a bit crazy,” like Sen. Jesse Helms. Touched in the head. Obsessive. So watch the obsessive stuff this week. That ought to give you something to think about.

The problem with the Libra time of year is that all the dang ol’ Librans hog the spotlight. You have a birthday coming up, and right now, it looks like no one is throwing you a surprise party. I said, “it looks that way right now.” Don’t plan on a fish fry until you count all your fish. I know you have magical mystical powers, but don’t plan on performing that miracle where a few fish feed a whole houseful, either. Wait ’til next month.

I warned you about sharp objects last week. This week, it’s a different kind of sharp object: your mouth. Maybe it’s your wit, but whatever it is, be extra careful. Nothing like getting irritated with someone, and telling them just what they can do, where they can do it, and how they can do it, only to find out that you have to go back and apologize because you had the wrong phone number. Don’t you hate that?

I’ll bet you’re getting tired of the fog metaphor. Problem being, it’s that time of year in Austin when fog really does rise up off the lakes. It lends an atmosphere of mystery to everything in the early morning hours, like, “What’s with all the taillights up ahead?” Look out for traffic jams in your early-morning rush. Allow yourself extra time all the way around. It’s not you; it’s Them.

Please forgive me, but you need to tend to business. A new Moon sets you on edge, like the edge of a cliff. Don’t take the plunge yet. What happens is that you are making way for an excellent week — next week. A chance to win the lottery. Or the new boat I’ve been waiting for. Either way, your time to dance the tango happens soon, so don’t take too many risks this week.

Last week was a time to stay home, and this week is a time to get out and play. Or last week was a time to get out and play, and this week is a time to stay home. Either way, do the opposite of last week. You’ll feel better and the change is good. Right?

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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