10.6.1997

Sent on: AOL 3.0 for Mac sub 85
Week of: Oct. 6-12

“I like not fair terms, and a villian’s mind.”
— From Shakespeare’s “Merchant of Venice” [I.ii.175]

Aries
I’ve been whining about work for awhile. You’re probably sick of hearing about it. Love? Forget love. You have something better: romance. Like a truck radiator fixin’ to blow, you’re steamin’ up the engine block with a red-lining romance on the horizon. Please keep your seatbelt fastened at all times.

Taurus
“Gentle Taurus” is not an expression you’ve been hearing lately. And while that’s perhaps a bit rough, I have good news: Your ruling planet is Venus and she’s heading into Sagittarius this week. That ushers a financial deal into one of your reserved seats. OK, so you can’t take an astrology chart to your banker, but you might let Bubba down at the pawn shop know that you’re in a good position this week.

Gemini
This week you’ll hear the Emergency Broadcast System warning signal every day. It starts Monday morning and goes downhill from there. That warning tone always makes the pulse quicken, even after hearing “If this had been a real emergency…” Your pulse is quickening due to a stellar line up that soaks you with energy. Imagine that, a Gemini with extra calories to burn. Try late-season tournament fishing this weekend because your competitive edge is high. Just don’t try hunting. A Gemini with a dove gun might be accident-prone this week. Then you’ll really need the Emergency Broadcast System.

Cancer
This season is called “Fall” and that’s what you need to look out for. Be extra careful about where you place your feet. Actually, watch closely, or you can wind up with two cowboy boots in your mouth. Yes, it’s that time for the old “pointed toe in mouth” disease, and you need to be very careful. You remind me of Elmer Fudd, hunting wabbits.

Leo
In the good ol’ days, motorcycles didn’t have electric starters. No start button to push, just a hard kick-start. This week you could kick-start anything. Another way to start a motorcycle is a “push start” whereby you build up a little steam, hop on the scooter and pop that clutch into gear. If you’ve had the key turned on, off you go. So, whether you’re kicking it or pushing it, the physical effort is well-received this week.

Virgo
I don’t understand the notion that Virgos are always so perfection-oriented. Yes, you can be a neat freak to the point of distraction, and you can be difficult to get along with (to the point of distraction), but it’s not like you’re always like that. Like this week… you feel overwhelmed by mind-numbing chores and are prone to let the take-out boxes of BBQ and the empty beer bottles pile up next to the Barca-Lounger, which, of course, has potato chip entrails on it. Don’t panic. Remain calm. Pick up your routine where you left off and no one gets hurt.

Libra
I hope you’re enjoying a good birthday month. An unusual event is about to happen this week, so please make sure your seatbacks and tray tables are in an upright and locked position. The event? The Sun lines up with Mercury. “But Cap’n Kramer, what does that mean?” It means you are mentally sharp, with a great deal of extra horsepower from the neck up. Which might need a check up. Be sure your brain is in gear before letting out the clutch (your mouth).

Scorpio
This is one of those weeks when many beneficial (planet-wise) things are in the works for Scorpios. The problem is — always — that you refuse to admit that things are good. So, take a moment away from work, put your feet up, and ponder this question: “Is it really as good as Kramer says?” Of course it is, you just stubbornly refuse to accept it.

Sagittarius
This week for Sagittarius reminds me of an episode of “Johnny Quest.” Remember the episode where Johnny and Haji were exploring that cave in their boat and then some monsters attacked? And they had really loud, screechy voices? Those noises would fit in very well this week. Plan on inserting your favorite monster noises as the week wears on because you have a big pile-up in your section of the sky that’ll give you a lot of energy. Just be careful when handling sharp objects, like the filet knife you use to defend yourself with, and maybe the odd Scorpio or two.

Capricorn
Occasionally, a good Capricorn (you know you’re good) needs a swift kick to get motivated. Imagine me, wearing some endangered species cowboy boots, and a really sharp-looking cowboy hat, planting my astrological boot up along your backside. You need it. Really. This figurative kick is going to hurt me a lot worse than it’ll hurt you. Now DO something!

Aquarius
Yo! Go! That’s a simple way to address this week. It’s like being the first boater out on the lake as the cool autumn dawn breaks, and you’re gunning the boat to the spot where the trophy fish jump into your boat. Yes, this is your life, Bubba: A future profilee of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous Bass Fisherpersons.” It sure beats being profiled on “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol.” All I ask is a meager 1 percent or an audition on “Star Search.”

Pisces
Why don’t we talk about romance for a while? Why don’t we speak of true love, and the dream that it will really happen to you? Why don’t we dig up some old Shakespearean love sonnets and read them aloud to your intended? Of course, you’re a good Pisces, so why ask why?

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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© 1993 – 2022 Kramer Wetzel, for astrofish.net &c.

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