12.1.1997

So don’t delay act now supplies are running out
Allow, if you’re still alive, six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow there may be a tomorrow
But if the offer is shun you might as well be walking on the sun

“Walkin’ on the sun” by Smash mouth (BMI), 1997.

Kramer, 12/1-7

Aries
Talk about a holiday drag… Let me tell you this: The holiday season
is off to a slow start. This week, make a list of gift recipients. Write
it down somewhere, preferably on an electrical device, then prepare to
forget everyone’s name. X-mas works that way, you know. Times are tough
all over, but you are feeling
it in the worst way.

Taurus
Higher education is a much-appreciated thing. I know. I’m a Notary
Public-example of something truly scary in the world: A Texan with a
degree. Problem is, my degree is pretty useless, being in English
Literature
and all. YOU try getting a real job when your expertise is “Hidden
Shakespearean meanings Within Gilligan’s Island Plot Lines.” Why all the
commotion about Liberal Arts? Because this is when you think about the
Spring Semester, but you haven’t finished up the fall semester exams
yet. Now that Mercury is slowing down to a dead crawl this week, you
feel the same way.

Gemini
The good news is that Mercury is slowing down in another sign, one that
won’t affect you drastically. At least not for a while. So, tie up loose
ends that are fit to be tied. Get your minnow bucket in order, so to
speak. Get your tackle box in order, so to speak. Work on the boat’s
motor in real life. Then, sit down. Starting on Sunday, your world is
plunged into darkness, like someone cut off the main circuit breaker.
Make sure the flashlight has fresh batteries.

Cancer
I’ve warned you about this before, but allow me the pleasure again: This
week, you feel like Mercury has already gone retrograde and that Rush
Limbaugh is sitting on your head. Yep, it’s that heavy. It’s not just
you, but relationship issues keep appearing up like bad crop circles
that look suspiciously like astrological signs. Or signs from an artist
who used to be known as Prince.

Leo
I know you are approaching the holidays with fear and loathing. I don’t
blame you. Just when you thought it would be a wide-open party season,
things change drastically. Let me tell you a story: There once was a
feller in West Texas who used to fish below the dam at one of the
reservoirs. He only caught three fish there, but the last one was a
record-breaking catch: a 50-pound striper. That’s a lot of fish. You can
do the same thing, too, just remember: It’s quantity, not quality this
week.

Virgo
We all know that Virgos get accused of being rather attentive to details
in a somewhat sick and perverted way. With the impending doom of Mercury
going retrograde, especially in a Dirt Sign (Capricorn) for starters,
that means you have extra cleaning duties this week. Real or not, you
still have a stable output to deal with.

Libra
“He’s making his list and he’s checking it twice, he’s seeing who’s been
naughty, like biting people in hotel rooms, and who’s been nice.” That,
of course, is the Marv Albert version of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town
(And Charging You with Assault).” Pay attention to the idea of checking
your list twice. If you are doing any mail-order gift-buying, for
instance, hair weaves, do it now because the poor ol’ delivery persons
(bless their souls), are will be frantic next week. Be prepared by
taking action early. Remember, this is a just friendly FGS-style
reminder.

Scorpio
As much as the other signs are coming unglued by the cosmic stuff that
holds everything together, you feel fine. The impending-doom Mercury
Retrograde doesn’t bother you. Or it shouldn’t. You should have plans
ready for the holidays. Your holiday looks good. Too bad we can’t say
the same thing for everyone else.

Sagittarius
Things have been going along swimmingly for so long that the little bump
in the road you run over this week is nothing more than that: just a
speed bump in the parking lot of life. Don’t worry about it much, given
that you’re a Sagittarius, you won’t, will you?

Capricorn
Like Spock who’s inhaled WAY too much patchouli, the love planets are
beaming you waves of love energy right now. The bad news is that the
little evil one, who really isn’t a bad guy, makes a hasty and somewhat
unwelcome entrance into your sign. The number one comment from
Capricorns this week will be: “What’s all the fuss about?” Wait until
next week, and then you’ll understand.

Aquarius
I’ve got good news, and I’ve got good news. Everyone thinks the world
sucks right now, but not you! Oh, no! You have nothing to worry about
because Mercury is concerned with details, and that’s one thing you’re
not worried about. To heck with details, just get out and fish. If you
show up at the wrong lake for a tournament, don’t worry — you’ll do
fine wherever you are.

Pisces
To formulate prognostications for most signs, I use astrological charts
and a musty old book called an “ephemeris.” For Pisces, I eviscerate a
chicken in the backyard. Works every time, too, at least, that’s
what I’ve been told. Nothing to panic about, just a lull in Piscean
activity. Trout is a good bait to use this week, especially for chasing
really big fish.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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