Week of: December 8-14

“They would not have you to stir forth today.
Plucking the entrails from an offering forth,
They could not find a heart within the beast.”

Servant to Caesar, in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, II.ii.37-39

Saturn station means heavy weather, and Merc, as well as Venus are retrograde.

Subject: (1) Kramer Dec. 8-14

Week of: Dec. 8-14

Small and relatively insignificant planets are back-tracking right now. Does this effect you? Only in your ability to communicate your ideas. Bet you have a fishing partner who doesn’t get it right now, and I have no idea what the antecedent to “it” is. Perhaps that ain’t very college-educated of me, but that’s your news for the week. Don’t worry about whatever “it” is that “they” aren’t “getting,” because it’s not a fight worth fishing through.

The palpitations are increasing. You can feel it in your bones: It’s that time of the year, and despite all the negative influences like Santa and his Elvises (imagine a bunch of guys running around in that wonderful Las Vegas suit) are preparing for the mighty holiday celebration. It doesn’t matter what tradition you subscribe to because you have the spirit of the season. Don’t worry about little retrograde planets.

It’s X-mas in Texas. You feel like you usually do when Mercury is doing its tailspin: upside down, and no one understands. But I do, my dear Gemini friend, I do. Marshall your thoughts and prepare for surprises. The weather is a good metaphor: rain, sleet, even snow in Texas, and then a beautiful day when you ought to wear shorts. Be prepared for any kind of condition.

I know, I know, I’m always mean to Cancers. This wouldn’t have anything to do with a particular Bubba who refuses to help spring for the next bass boat, either. This week, Mercury and Mars are gunning for you, not me. Watch yourself. Cars and communications are difficult areas. The good news is that romance is still solid as long as it doesn’t involve cars or communication.

Things not too hot? Wish I could warm up that passionate Leo heart of yours. Find a nice, big ol’ fireplace and park yourself in front. Methinks it’s the plan for the holidays. Get a catalog and order up some last-minute gifts, if that’s something that you need to do. Don’t bother trying to get out of the house right now, either. Just take a day off, and rest up some for the parties.

I love times like this for the Virgo in you. Mercury is retrograde, and you are doing a number of good things, but the problem is, as it always is at this time, is that you are under-appreciated. Wish I could show you more appreciation but alas, noper! The best I can do here at FGS World Headquarters is report that the planets really aren’t hitting you THAT hard. Looking at the bright side, I’m sure that — being a good Virgo — you have all your X-mas shopping done.

While everyone is in a tizzy because of the planets, you are obnoxiously in the holiday spirit. Why? It’s because those dang ol’ feminist asteroids hanging out in your sign this week. On the other hand, Juno brings love and romance, negating some of the negative effects of Mean Mr. Mercury. Enjoy the good times. Maybe you could lend a helping hand to other, less fortunate, signs.

That dang ol’ Mars is making times difficult for you. However, Mercury will drive by in the truck, gun rack firmly in place, to make Mars git along so you won’t be AS troubled by the little one. Really. So much for the lighthearted stuff. Scorpio’s never for the fluff. Here’s the dirt: Interesting things are afoot on under the X-mas tree. Not unlike a B-movie, the plot revolves around a package under there that is rattling, growing and mutating. Only a Scorpio can save us now. Be prepared.

Isn’t that just excellent? Mercury barrels back into your sign this week to exacerbate a few problems with itching and flaking. Perhaps you need help with exorcising a few demons from your past? Don’t get too exhilarated at this notion, however. There is an exigency about the week, brought on by Mercury, and you need to be aware of it. Avoid alliterative astrologers this week.

One problem with modern society — other than drivers who don’t signal a lane change — is that the word “bad” has come to mean many things. Bad means good except when it refers to Michael Jackson, and he was the one who started the whole mess. You may discover this week that your bad side wants you to come out and play. Here’s a holiday tip: coal can be compressed and made into a diamond-like substance. In fact, it is a diamond. So, tell your lucky gift recipients that the coal in their stockings is merely a starter kit.

Despite the obnoxious movements of some planets (that would be Mercury), there is hope for the mighty Aquarius. You have a chance to do good this week. It comes in the form of Venus, which makes herself very much at home in your sign. This brings joy to an otherwise Dickens-like existence. Cheer up. Things are improving with Venus because Mars is right behind…

While other signs are carping about mechanical failure, equipment malfunctions, computers that don’t work, airplanes that won’t fly, and schedules that aren’t followed, you go merrily along on your way. If you don’t, then just act like you do. You have no reason to complain this
week. Other signs? Sure, but you? I don’t think so. The charts look too good.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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