“Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction what says the almanac to that?”

Prince Harry in Shakespeare’s Henry IV, part II (Act II, scene iv)

May 12, 1903, The Eyes of Texas performed for the first time by the University of Texas minstrel show

Week of: 5/11-17

Aries : It’s one of those weeks when the planets are actually not wreaking havoc in your life. Of course, the Mean Taskmaster is still hanging around, but you’ve gotten used to that by now. Least I hope so. And the beneficial influence of Venus is now firmly being exerted all over you. This is supposed to be a deemed a “good thing,” sort of like that one lucky fishing vest you always wear. Or that one T-Shirt which is rather unsightly, but still works as a powerful fish magnet. So as long as you use the good part of the Venus attractor in your sign, you will do well this week.

Taurus : Mercury comes spinning into your sign this week, and it’s like a little launching point, sort of like being fired out of cannon, remember? The guys at the circus? Speaking of circus, perhaps there is a good way to look at life this week, sort of like the three ring circus of life. You might try some of the clown antics in order to help lighten your load, and introduce a little levity in the situation at work. Of course, I would be extra careful with any pratfall jokes because I’m not too sure that your coordination is up to the delicate sense of balance which is required. Stick to the verbal jokes, though, and you’ll do much better.

Gemini : I’m just not making any points with Gemini this week. I keep suggesting that you guys get after some sort of housecleaning schedule, set your self up a timetable, and work on getting all that miscellaneous stuff taken care of. I know you like the idea, it’s just the actually doing of the task which you find a little too daunting. Gemini’s have many fine traits but self-discipline has never been one of them. Actually, this week, if you can remain focused for more than a few minutes, you’ll find that you do have some of this self-discipline, and you’ll find that you can concentrate on something for longer than thirty seconds. Scary thought.

Cancer : Except for one little problem you have communicating with your insignificant other, you are doing great this week. Be it the cat, the dog, the boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or whomever, you feel like you are just not getting through to them. Here’s a special hint from the FGS files: yelling will not help. Just increasing your volume doesn’t mean that this other person gets the message any more clearly., It’s not you, it’s just one little planet which is influencing you right now. Look on t the bright side, though, you can make a lot of money this week, which will help when you have to buy flowers this weekend.

Leo : This a week when the mighty Leo is going to get tested by a lot of little and fairly insignificant trials and tribulations. It’s like getting out in the middle of the lake, on the morning of a big bass tournament, and discovering that you have no fish hooks. How are you going to fish without fish hooks? Thank the lucky stars that you creative, but I just don’t see way around this one. You’ll remember where you left them, too, all those brand new packages are sitting on your work bench at home. Now, this isn’t a major problem but it just shows you the kind of week you can have. Review your list before embarking on your next adventure.

Virgo : Last week’s wedding bells might seem a little less chirpy this week. Oh, the rosy glow from a happily confined lover is still there. And I don’t want to throw any problems into your corner of the sky, but there is something that just doesn’t feel like it is wonderful right now. One of the best things about being a Virgo is that you have this wonderful analytical ability, and I would recommend you fire up the analyzer and get cracking on this one little trouble spot. You now what it is, time to do something about it, don’t you think?

Libra : As decreed by Fate Herself, you’ve got one of those weeks building up. There’s the downside of it, where there just aren’t quite enough hours in your day. Then there’s the upside, where it looks like there will be some time to get a lot of work done. of course the key issue this week, as it should be, is balance, like, trying to get some. Perspective is lovely term, but I don’t think you’ve got the right one just yet. Be careful, though, this is one of those weeks when you need to look where you are stepping rather than just blindly letting everyone tell you what to do.

Scorpio : The week might start out really, really good. But being the good Good Scorpio that you are, you are somewhat disinclined to agree that this is a good beginning. Or a fortuitous beginning. It’s like having a partner for fishing with who keeps insisting on brining along blasting caps for bait. While this is certainly a proven technique for getting a nice a haul of fish, game wardens tend to frown on the practice. I know it doesn’t bother you to rattle the warden’s cage a little, but it does rattle you to be locked up in his cage. Stick to the idea that this is a good beginning, and hope you can control your partner’s explosive tendencies.

Sagittarius : One of the true pleasures of being a Sagittarius and being a sports fishing person is the simple act of watching dawn break across the still lake. In the Heart of Texas, on a cool spring mourning, there is a fine mist which sort of seeps “up” from the lake, and the dawn is a mysterious time, full of the noise of little animals awakening, birds gather momentum for the day, and like those birds, we sport fisherman types go gliding across the lake transfixed in the morning glow. Or transfixed because we ain’t had enough coffee yet. This week feels like one of those mornings, so go back to bed, or fix another pot of coffee before you get out there.

Capricorn : This is going to be one of those weeks when the good, the bad, and the ugly all gang up on you at once. Don’t you hate oblique references to old Clint Eastwood films? As much as you feel like it might be a good time for a showdown, though, I would recommend that step back and assess the situation with that cold, steely glint in your eye. Dispassionate might be the world. Get one of those small cigars and act like you are being too cool for words. Life may not really resemble a Spaghetti Western, but you can act like it does, just for this week.

Aquarius : The Western American Landscape is dotted with old, unused military sites. There are a lot of missile silo’s out there, kind of like giant, unopened cans in the ground. As outgoing as you have been, this is a week when you feel like crawling down into one of these old silo’s and just holing up for a while. The surface keeps it from looking like there is anything there — it’s just a flat plate of steel, a giant metal dot in the middle of the desert. Imagine that this is your home. You might want to spruce the place up, replace the old tubes and control rooms with something a little more decorative. That military look never worked for you.

Pisces : The pressure is off right now. It like some one lifted the lid on your own, personal pressure cooker of a lifestyle. That should be happy and hopeful news for you guys. The bad news is that there is this one Sagittarius out there who is going to surface after a long drought, and come looking just for you. Remember the bruises the last Sagittarius left? I would watch out for that again this week. No Pisces deserves a bruised heart, so be on the lookout for that this week, too.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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