3.15.1999

Week of: 3/15-21

“Get you to bed again; it is not day.
Is not to-morrow, boy, the ides of March?”
Brutus in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, Act II, Scene i.

What with the highly charged Ides of March starting this week, I have to mention something about it…. And what better tragedy to deal with the middle of the month that Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? It’s a play full of soothsayers who keep telling the truth, much to the chagrin of the characters. And it’s darned bloody play on stage, too, having seen it a time or two. With the new Moon in Pisces, on Wednesday, though, maybe it’s a good week to schedule an extra afternoon nap. All that blood letting can make a body drowsy.

The weekly quiz is buried in Taurus. Again.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: Close on the heels of the new Moon, the golden chariot of the sun goes sliding into your home sign. So much for the good news. Mercury and the sun swap positions, too, but seeing as how the errant little planet is still doing a backward upside down boogie right now, it’s like a one of those rides at the carnival right now, one of those rides that almost guaranteed to make you lose your appetite, if not your last meal. Fortunately, after this new moon thing, you regain some composure, and the sun brings so much need light to your life. That’s like those old Light beer commercials, you know, as long as Mercury is retrograde.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: In “The Devil’s Dictionary,” there’s a very appropriate comment about Fate. You might want to look that one up, but be warned, since I’ve used it before, I know what it really says about astrology and fate. Send me the proper citation and quote, and I’ll send you an email “el-cheapo” Astrology report, if you can get the right quote. Fate is a big topic this week because there’s a dance in the heavens that helps you along a path of destiny. The problem with this little jolt (like a cattle prod), is that your romance arena is supposed to get a good, swift kick in the pants. This action can either be really good and motivating, or it can be really painful and incapacitating. This week, it’s up to you to decide what to do with your stellar (cattle prod) kick.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: The early part of the week, we’re doing a special little trick for the Gemini’s out there, our favorite sign, it’s the Dorothy Dance, and it’s where you wake and realize that you’re not in Kansas anymore. Now, this starts out like a bad trip on some uncontrolled substances, but there’s a happy ending to it. By the end of the week, you’re going to be saying to yourself, “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home….” Of course, red slippers and bestial traveling companions are strictly optional this week. Work on your Dorothy Dance steps.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: There’s been a strange and omnipresent sense of foreboding that has plagued you for the last couple of days. It’s as if everything is going just a little too well right now. You know that it can’t possibly be this good, not with the little errant one doing his Last Tango in Retrograde Land thing going on. And now the Moon, your favorite heavenly object, is doing a quick Moon Dance with Mercury to exacerbate the conditions. The deal is this: it’s still okay for you, as long as you watch the usual Mercury Retrograde stuff. You know, not too much in the new department, wrap up the old projects and get ready for a little extra work headed you’re way before the end of the week.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: Look here, oh majestic Lion, the mightiest of the signs, I know that this Mercury Retrograde organic fertilizer situation has got you down. But I’ll promise that there is some good news coming Just as soon as the Sun and Mercury swap positions, just as soon as the Sun slides in Aries, just as soon as the trite little Venus and Saturn thing gets over with their duet. See? None of this is personal. Judging from the mail I’ve been getting, though, you seem to take it pretty personal. So just relax a little bit. It’s not you, it’s them darn planets playing a little bit of a game with you. And like other forms of amusement, a gently bemused expression will help you best this week.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: “We (the Virgo’s of the world) are not amused.” That’s your message this week, plain and simple rather than working at some planned obfuscation which would only serve to further occlude matters at hand, this is a week to let every one know that you are not being entertained by the planets’ little dance. Now, that the statement of mission is out of the way, let’s take a look at what’s on your personal horizon: romance. But that could be a few days off, just yet. Even though you’re not amused, you should have a sense of humor about it all, especially this week. And if you don’t have that sense of humor, better develop one real quick like.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: By the end of the week, the good news is pretty simple because the worst of the nasty little Mercury retrograde is over for you. But that means that’s there’s a concomitant part coming — as the sun gently eases into the Sign of the Ram, the equinox and all, it’s time for a little decision making process, you know, tough calls about what does and doesn’t work right now. Look at the old boat, time for a new one? Now, as long as Mercury is still backwards, maybe it isn’t a good time to make out a check for a new bass master craft, but it is good time to go shopping. Other decisions? Maybe it’s around the garage, time to get caught up on your payments to the Tool guy.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: You know, there are a lot of other signs out there, the other 11, you might call them the “lesser 11” and the other 11 are having a tough time. Not a bad tough time, just sort of a mediocre tough time. Now, here in Scorpio Land, Mr. Mars is making merry. It’s like you’re on the Southern NASCAR circuit, and you keep piling up wins this week. Now, you need to be a little careful, through, because Stock Car Racing has a few problems. While most “officials” don’t count it as a contact sport, you need to consider being careful about contact with other racers, the wall, the high banked turn, and whatever you do, don’t flip into the infield. Nothing is worse than winding up in the pits when you’re on a winning streak. Remember, it’s really easy, go down the straight, hang a left, go down the straight, hang a left. Repeat as needed.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: Welcome to our own, personal nightmare. It should be the lyrics to this week, it should be a lot of things, beside the theme for this week. Now, before you get bent about the theme for the week, realize that time is a rather fluid thing, and this fluid thing starts moving rather rapidly. So even though it starts out as a weird week, and it just gets weirder, there’s a silver lining in here some place. Stop for a moment and gaze at the lovely Lupines growing along the highway of life. The Bluebonnets are still pretty good right now. Just make sure that you pull over to shoulder of the road, on that highway of life, before you stop. The people riding up on your backside might not understand.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Have we discussed your unabated appetite? No? I hope you’re not waiting on some profound statement this week, not waiting with bated breath. Or, if you’re close to a good bait shop, trying to catch what it is that I’m going to convey. It’s really simple, don’t let a good haul (this mid-week is really good for fishing) all go into the frying pan. You’ve got to exercise a little restraint — especially at the supper table. So, you will catch a lot of fish this week, especially in the middle of the week, but you’ve got to remember to throw some of that good catch into the freezer. Trust me, you’ll dine fine later.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: Have we talked about frustration? Have we discussed the fact that you have been running headlong into the future, at a furious pace, while avoiding certain obvious little signs that you were running over some of your friends? I know it’s not a nice way to look at things, but you’ve got to spend part of this week backtracking, going over old ground, and making an effort to renew some friendships that you seem to have “stepped” on. Of course, you didn’t do this on purpose, but these things happens. I understand, no need to kiss and make up with me, but you’ve got a few old friends who need some reassurance right now.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: New Moon, middle of the week, late degree of Pisces. And? And call it a launch date, as opposed to a lunch date. I don’t have a better way to address this. I know that Mercury is doing nasty little number on you right now, but you’re not going to let a small, insignificant planet get in your way, are you? Of course not! Time to start considering what kind of action you’re going to take to lead to one thing: Total World Domination. It’s going to be a Pisces, ruled by Pisces, for Pisces, and this week begins the first of your plans. Of course, this all on a metaphorical level, of course.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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