Week of: 3/22-28
All’s Well that Ends Well
(Act I, scene i)
Hel. Monsieur Parolles, you were born under a charitable star.
Par. Under Mars, I.
Hel. I especially think, under Mars.
Par. Why under Mars?
Hel. The wars have so kept you under that you must needs be born under Mars.
Par. When he was predominant.
Hel. When he was retrograde, I think, rather.
Par. Why think you so?
Hel. You go so much backward when you fight.

It comes towards the end of scene one, and it’s the most daunting example of astrology in Shakespeare’s work, because it speaks to what is going on right now. Mars is going retrograde, and like the ever so chicken character, who goes backwards during a fight, we will all find ourselves running from a fight soon enough.

The scene is comic enough, and it’s a little performed play. And with Mars going retrograde, I’m not about to pick a fight with the academic minded set about the authorship of the play — it’s attributed to the Bard and that’s close enough around here.

Aries [3/23-4/20]: While everyone else is worried about Mars going backwards, you’ve got a little too much on your mind to worry about the evil antics of the red orb spinning its wheels in the sky. Nope, not you, and never mind that Mars “rules” your sign, the sign of the Ram. Nope, that’s not the question. You’ve got a very powerful birthday coming up, or one that just happened, or going on this week, and that should be your central focus. But that new truck you’ve been thinking about needs to wait for a week or two. Or a month or two, if you catch my drift, and I’m sure you do. Right now, it ain’t the best time to be signing important papers for a new vehicle. Just concentrate on stashing that money in the bank, and thank your lucky stars that you know a good astrologer.

Taurus [4/21-5/22]: I’ve got this one coffee mug I really like, and it’s stained with a layer of finely ground coffee beans stuck to the bottom. But it has flavor, and it has a certain quality that adds to the enjoyment of the morning brew. This week, now that Venus and Saturn are finally split up, you need to think about washing out that one coffee mug. It pains me to consider this, I mean, I’ve spent the last two years getting this thing broken in, but the time has come. So you’ve got something that you’ve really gotten attached to that needs a thorough cleaning, and this is the week to start.

Gemini [5/23-6/21]: I kept thinking about this one Star Trek episode, one that I just couldn’t get out of my mind, and it reminded me of you guys this week more than anything else. See: Kirk lands on a planet where everyone drinks the water then moves at the speed of light. You’ve been there, in fact, you move around the rest of us like we are standing still. Of course, all we hear is a persistent buzzing in our ears — it’s just that Gemini moving at a normal, typical Gemini pace. Now, if you drink the water in Texas, you move a slightly different, more bucolic pace. So watch the water you drink, and realize that the rest of us just can’t seem to keep up with the Gemini pace you’re setting.

Cancer [6/22-7/22]: You know, this isn’t a good time for a caring and sensitive soul like yourself. There are one too many upsetting influences, and this just gets worse as the week wears on. You’ve got one big deal you’re working on, it’s going to fall apart. Now, out of the shattered ruins of your efforts, like the beautiful Phoenix from the ashes, a new star will rise. Of course, this is going to take some time, and this week, you feel like you ain’t got any extra time. Pay attention: no gnashing of teeth, curious use of invectives, or banging your head against the wall. Dust yourself off, keep your eye on the road, and know that you will do more than survive. You’ll win, but it’s a long way to get there.

Leo [7/23-8/23]: It’s called “Cowboy Coffee” and you make it by boiling ground coffee for several hours over a hot fire. Then, rather than work with filters, coffee makers or any other trash like that, you just suck this stuff through your teeth and filter the grinds out that way. Actually, some of us add a drop of cold water and that helps, but you’re the tough one this week, so plan on just using your teeth as the filter. In case you’re wondering, Cowboy Coffee is strong medicine, and while everyone else is suffering this week, you feel like you’ve just gulped a gallon of this stuff, all full of fire, ready to go, and everyone else is still stuck in slow motion.

Virgo [8/24-9/23]: I promised Romance, but as I scanned the heavens for tell tale signs of good stuff, all I got was the usual problems, and the usual suspects. I feel like that cop in Casablanca, “Round up the usual suspects” and you’re going to feel like him, too. Ask yourself, what would Humphrey Bogart do at a time like this? Remind you that we always had Paris? Sure. But I promised romance, and I think the heavens will deliver, maybe not the best of romances, but something to keep that Virgo brain of yours from worrying. Let me know that you scored this weekend.

Libra [9/24-10/23]: Libra could very well be my favorite air sign. It could be the one. But as long as Mars is doing his turbulent and upsetting number next door in Scorpio, you are going to find that the one key element of your life, that thing which you live for the most, that would be balance, is not going to be easy to achieve. Too many infinitives here, too. So you’re going to feel like the world is out of balance. Perhaps you’ve been eating too much BBQ. You should try to work some Tex-Mex in with your diet. See what I mean about things being all out of balance? For a real change of pace, do like we do in Austin, and try a little bit of the Vegan stuff. You’d be surprised at what a little variety will do to help you affect some balance.

Scorpio [10/24-11/23]: I love Scorpio’s. They are the finest sign in the Zodiac. Some are pretty, others are ruggedly handsome. Some have a fine way with words, others are incredibly funny. And when you have the undying loyalty of a Scorpio, you have it for life. Maybe many lives, I mean, and it has been suggested that Scorpio’s are like cats and have at least nine lives. But Mars starts its “once every two years” backward spin right now, and guess what? You’re going to be needing all of those fine Scorpio traits, just to get through the week. And be careful about the nines lives, you’ve got nine weeks, and you want to have a few lives left over.

Sagittarius [11/24-12/21]: This is not a happy time for me. It was supposed to be grand, you know a big wedding, a huge reception with several hundred of my closest friends, but it looks like Mars has saved the day. The problem being, Mars is doing it’s biannual backward bounce in the Sag 12th House. This comes under the heading of “not a good thing” and you will feel like this week is full of failures. Of course, if you adopt a typical Sag outlook, you will realize that these are minor setbacks, not failures. Got that? I hope so. We’re going to turn it into a giant party, after all.

Capricorn [12/22-1/20]: Come with me now, dear Capricorn, as we journey back in time, to place where magic was real, and reality was a myth. So, maybe I can’t be too serious about the myth and reality thing, but here in Texas, the two get pretty much confused. That’s also what’s going to be going on your life this week, too, confusion reigns supreme. And myth and reality get confused. The way to handle a week like this is to assure yourself, that it’s all an illusion. Unless you read a lot of my work which is largely derivative of the Old Masters, then you realize it’s all an allusion. See what I mean about he confusion for this week? Relax, it’s the planets, not you.

Aquarius [1/21-2/18]: We are now entering the “relationship is hell” zone, and this little period of time is destined to shape the flavor of your relationships, or the romantic kind, for the next few months. Nothing I can do about that. Of course, since it’s Mars, and since you will call that an insignificant planet, I won’t worry about you. But if it ain’t happened yet, then don’t count on “it” happening any time too soon. The good news is that you feel great this weekend. No one else does, but I think I might have to find an Aquarius to keep me happy. Lord knows ya’ll will be happy.

Pisces [2/19-3/22]: With an errant and retrograde Mercury, what comes to mind, more than anything else for this week, it’s the fact that Mercury is a clever planet, and he is going to to try some clever stunts with you. These stunts, however, might not be in your best interest. I’m just trying to be fair, and warn you. Careful with the ideas for attracting attention this week. There’s nothing more sad than an epitaph that reads something along the lines of, “His last words were ‘Bubba, watch THIS!'” I sure hope you get the idea.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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