“Good Monsieur Lavache, give my Lord Lafeu this letter. I have ere now, sir, been better known to you, when I have held familiarity with fresher clothes; but I am now, sir, muddied in fortune’s mood, and smell somewhat strong of her strong displeasure.”
- Parolles from Shakespeare’s All’s Well That Ends Well [V.ii]
Aries : There a certain dredging motion that this week looks like, perhaps the River Authority has decided it’s time to clear the ship channel. The bad news is the catfish this week will be murky tasting. The good news is everything will eventually settle. But you’re dealing with the murky water of a Mercury Retrograde and it’s not happening in the best possible place in your own chart. This is a time when you head on down to the local flea market and scout out some pretty incredible artwork for your walls — something to spruce up the trailer. The good news is that you make an excellent find. The bad news is that it’s not what you’re really looking for. If you can just keep from purchasing that Black Velvet artwork this week, you’ll be much happier because you can get it for about half price when Mercury rights himself.
Taurus : The communications systems in your own, personal Taurus life is in the toilet right now. There’s just not an easy way to explain this. Between Mercury and various other planet movements, I just don’t know how to explain it. It’s not that folks don’t listen, and it’s not that folks don’t care, but what your mouth is saying, and what they are hearing are two different things. I was going to go for a musical notation, something gentle to properly evoke this feeling, but there’s no lyrics which spring to mind. It’s not a Country song, and it’s not a Rock and Roll song, either. It’s something light and gentle, and you feel good, it’s just that no one else around you seems to understand this. It’s like some of that musical baby food stuff which loses and gains in popularity, something without much meat to it, and lyrics that are certainly not devastating, not by any standard. So just take it easy and listen to the music in your head. Don’t try and explain it, though, the message will come across as a garbled transmission.
Gemini : There is one Gemini who is loving me right now. There is this one Gemini who thinks that I’m just the greatest thing since sliced bread. Of course, I have to wonder what she thought about before sliced bread, but I guess that’s a different question. And this Gemini didn’t have the greatest of birthdays, but I’m still high on her list. In fact, I’m going to be pretty high on a lot of Gemini lists right now. It’s Jupiter as he makes his way into the sign of the Twins. And Jupiter, like the ubiquitous twins, guaranteed to double your pleasure and double your fun. There is that virulent little Mercury problem right now, but that’s just in passing, and it’s not such a big deal. Really.
Cancer : Mercury Retrograde usually results in one of many things: a highly agitated state. Nothing much works for this other than the fact that you wind up with a high degree of frustration, a similar degree of pent up energy which just can’t seem to find a way out. With all the planets in Cancer right now, you’re going to feel like I did last week, when I was on a friend’s bass boat. I had a big feller, and with Mercury’s help, the story gets better (10 pound bass, really), and I was just about to get him landed. We fought for hours (mercury — minutes) and he was tired and close to the boat, and my Virgo fishing buddy had the net out, and I was just about to pull in trophy looking fish, suitable for framing, when he did a little back flip, and he got himself unhooked. Hook slipped clean out of his mouth, and away he went. By now the fight had stretched into a tale about a fight that lasted hours, and he gained another few pounds. But I did have witness, and he even said, “big fish,” just to validate that I had one. This week, are you the one that got away or the depressed fisherman?
Leo : The Fourth of July is a great time to party. It’s an American tradition. It’s a time when we all head out on the open road and find places where small explosive devices which offer more noise than actual payload are sold by migrant arms dealers. The problem this week is that you have a tendency to order up more ammunition for the big Fourth of July celebration than you really need. And you have an urge to stockpile some of these minor armaments, perhaps not in a way that is altogether healthy. If you’re not extra careful this week, it’s a like a time when I was driving along in the truck, after having just made a major purchase of such fireworks, and Bubba threw a burning cigar butt into the bed of the truck. Next thing you know, it feels like we’re under attack as the stuff in the back of the truck turned into a mobile fireworks display. Poor Bubba! He was cowering on the floorboard of the truck. You want to make sure that you don’t toss out any stray cigar butts this week, real or metaphorical, and you want to make sure you don’t set off any wars, real or metaphorical, this week. Don’t get the celebration mode confused with the war mode. It’s a Mars and Mercury thing, in case you’re wondering.
Virgo : There’s a Leo Moon on July 4th. Least ways, there is one in Texas. And seeing as how this is a big deal, it looks like you’re about to set to enjoy a good party. There is one Virgo who lives close at hand, and she’s been complaining about the lack of merriment in her life. I’m working on that right now. It’s supposed to be a good party. In fact, there’s a nice little vacation thing, a sweet spot right in the middle of your week which suggests that you do, indeed, get some much needed rest. The problem with a holiday and a party in the middle of the week, and the words “Mercury Retrograde,” usually means that something will go wrong. Try to enjoy the week for what it is, rather than trying to force it to be something that it doesn’t want to be. It is a good time to play, a good time to renew old acquaintances. Any week with a big build up like this is also going to have a small let down at the end, but I’m not worried about that, and Virgo shouldn’t be worried about that, either. Looks like there will be plenty of food left over at the end of the bash, enough grub to keep you happy for while.
Libra : This week, what with all the planets which are stockpiled in Cancer, there’s not a lot of good that I can tease out of the week, not at first. But lest I let you down about this, let me explain my position, there’s a major amount of astrological forces working at odds against you. And in the first part of the week, this is going to be pretty harsh. But this week is just like a firecracker, too, one of the ones with a long, delayed fuse. The deal is this: you’ve got to be extra careful with that fuse, because it will go off, eventually. The problem is that the time delayed fuse doesn’t go off just when you want it to go off. It takes a little longer to get where you want it to get. And if you get impatient this week, it just makes matters that much worse. So watch that fuse of yours this week, the firecracker at the end of it can either make a loud noise, display brilliant colors, or generate a huge cloud of choking smoke. Which will it be? That’s up to you, the Libra Firecracker.
Scorpio : One summer’s day, many years in the past, as I frolicked on the Fourth of July, I can remember my Scorpio Mom attempting to extol the virtues of fire safety in the hot weather — at least it was a dry wit to go with a dry heat. This is a week just like my mother’s Scorpio scolding, the good sense of the Scorpion this week will hit a lot of deaf ears. Perhaps the individuals are deaf from firecrackers too close to the ear drum. Perhaps they are deaf because they don’t believe the Scorpio. Perhaps it’s a Mercury Retrograde induced deafness. Me, I’d listen to a Scorpio this week because the little insect class sign is full of good advice. Regrettably, the other signs don’t quite get it. The biggest challenge this week is not going to be this week, it’s going to be at some date in the near future when a stern looking Scorpio (that would be yourself) needs to bite back the famous refrain, “I told you so.” Remember us later, and maybe just smile to yourself. No need to gloat.
Sagittarius : The last time there was a configuration in the sky, a week like this, I know exactly what happened to me: I was at a Lawn Mower Race, Lawn Mower Drag Racing, to be precise, and I had all sorts of attention from pit bunnies. More attention than I really knew what to do with. Pit bunnies are like groupies, only different. There’s the tang of two stroke oil in the air, the scent of unburnt hydrocarbons wafting through, leaving its sweet smell, some would suggest the aroma is better than BBQ. Our “pit boss” doubles as a master of ceremonies on the BBQ grill, as well, so we were doubly taken care of. Then the pit bunnies, scantily clad nubile young nymphettes drifting about, with the merest touch of grease on their bare flesh. It really is exciting. And that’s what this week promises. There’s a major amount of stuff in Cancer, and that, for some reason, bodes well for Sag. Strange romance from strange places. Remember that Mercury is retrograde, though, and even though she hands you a phone number, it might not be the right one.
Capricorn : There’s a plant which sits by the desk, by the window, in the trailer by the lake. My cat seems to think that the plant offers her a degree of invisibility. She can sit for hours under this plant and “hide” while watching the bird feeder tacked up the tree outside, another trailer park modification. The plant was a gift from a certain Capricorn, as a matter of fact, and it’s a big hit with the cat. And on some occasions, I forget to water her plant. This is a week when you might forget to water the plant, too. The leaves droop, the little white flower like bud doesn’t look too good either. Even the cat is calling attention to the fact that her favorite hiding place is getting a little dry. This week, due to the pile up of planets in the sign opposite you, you have a tendency to let certain regular functions go unattended to. It’s time to make sure that you check your list of normal activities and make sure that you attend to everyone of them, not forgetting even the simplest of tasks like tending to your house plants. Or garden, as the case may be.
Aquarius : It’s a time for a change, and I’m sure you will warm up nicely to the idea of a change. Therein is the good news. And Mercury Retrograde isn’t always a good time for most signs, but you get by unscathed this week. Therein is more good news. And as soon as I start with the good news, you get a little suspicious, waiting for the other side of the coin. It might just come up tails this week, and that’s the problem. Being the usual Aquarius, you called it correctly. The problem is that everyone around you, especially at work, is not as nice about the way the week is working out. In fact, the more you call it “tails” the more they get upset that you’re so right, all week long. In other words, don’t be rubbing our collective noses in the fact that you’re getting by with nary a problem this week. I do believe, if you do encounter troubles, that you can trace the problems back to your cohorts rather than any mistake you make.
Pisces : Despite what the doomsday folks suggest, all is not lost. At one point, long about the middle of this week, you’re going to feel like a fish out of water, you’re going to get that gulping feeling, that sense that some one (I’m not naming names but a certain fisherman looks like a good candidate) has removed you from the water, and you’re Pisces gills are sucking air — not your native habitat. The water and air thing is due to Mercury in a Water Sign, but not your sign. What’s going to happen is that you are going to give your Pisces body one great shake after that guy pulls the hook out of your mouth, and then you’ll flop back into the lake of life. Breath that water, and swim away. There’s a message this week, too, about which bait you take. Just because something looks particularly appetizing, that doesn’t mean you should chomp down on it with all your might. Go a little easier and see if you can’t avoid being a fish out of water.
