Week of: 11/27-12/3

“Men of few words are the best me.”
A Boy in Shakespeare’s Henry V (III.ii.36)

Aries : Some weeks, you’re just “fit to be tied.” To stretch the bounds of this metaphor, you find yourself with a number of constraints which aren’t exactly to your liking right now. Except for one Aries, who likes that sort of thing, I guess I should leave out the allusion to the hand cuffs and never mind about it all — otherwise, it’s week where you are face to face with some rather strange little influences, and every time you turn around, someone else seems to be putting up minor complications, not big ones, just little ones, and each one of these little problems just serves to leave you “fit to be tied.” It’s easy for me to suggest you take it in stride, that you act like the better person that you can be, and that you greet these problems with a grin, or grim and determined attitude, but that’s the easiest solution. Take a look at the problem, roll up your sleeves, raise the hood on the Aries truck, and say, “Look here, it’s just a loose wire….”

Taurus : I thoroughly detest astrology columnist who trade in nothing but love. [Like Astronet’s Leander.] “It’s a great week for romance,” or “it’s a date with destiny,” or “this is one that’s built to last,” or some kind of similar expression which is nothing more than a line from a itinerant lover who will probably flake off in the next week or two. And it’s not like you haven’t had problems like this before, something that feels so good, something that has the essence of what it is that you’re really looking for, something more than a conquest, a fish that you can mount as a trophy on the wall, not one you want to release… and that’s the problem. Solution? Come on, the holidays are coming up. Let’s party some, play some, work a little overtime, maybe do some late night shopping. Notice I suggested shopping, not buying? You’re still struggling a little to get your dollars all in order, maybe that would be a better focal point this week.

Gemini : There’s a certain “Zen” way of approaching this week, if you care to tap into the planets who are in Air signs. Like Jupiter, Mars and the Neptune/Uranus thing. Or, if you watch the Moon, it’s going to tax your Zen like ability to cope. Some folks spend, literally, years, studying this stuff. As the approaching weekend draws closer, there is a growing problem which just can’t be avoided anymore. I’ll calmly suggest that the more you study the path of least resistance, the more you study the “way,” the better off you are. Call it the Gemini Way, or call it the Kramer Way. The little stuff just doesn’t matter even though you sometimes find yourself collecting a lot of it. This is a week when you find yourself with a little extra baggage, and the best way to get from “here” to “there” is to dump as much of this as possible at the beginning of the week.

Cancer : I was working at an event, not long ago, and a female friend came by to pick me up on Saturday evening, then she dropped me off at my trailer that night. She swung back by to grab me the next morning. Now, in close quarters, by the end of that second day, the rumor was out about the two of us, “You left with her, you showed up with her, she’s got on the same clothes, uh-huh, sure….” Now, you and I know the truth, but that doesn’t stop other people from making up wonderful stories about us, especially this week. I’d watch the romance tales that abound right now, especially about you. Careful with what you brag about, careful with your associations, and make sure folks don’t misinterpret, or, like the example, completely fabricate untruths based on available evidence. Mars and Venus are kicking you this week, and I’m inclined to feel you’re going to be the subject of some unwanted attention.

Leo : I love to hear a Leo purr. There’s a certain noise that issues from the back of a Leo throat, sort of like a cat’s purr, only a little louder. And unlike some kittens, this noise indicates a great degree of pleasure. It’s not always easy to get a Leo to make this sort of sound, but it is possible. And it’s even a good bet that this is a week when you wind up purring, just like that. There’s only one of me, and I can’t make sure that every Leo is a happy camper, but you get the idea — the planets are lining up in a way that’s nice for you. It’s not a nice time for everyone, but it is a good Leo time, a time to luxuriate in the feelings of, well, like everything is okay this week. To be sure, you’re going to run into one or two people who are upset about this or that, maybe a Virgo or two up in arms at great length, but that’s their problem, not yours. Nope, curl up and feel wonderful because the pervasive feeling of calm keeps on getting stronger and stronger.

Virgo : This is one of those weeks, if your not too careful, when everyone you encounter is on a mission to irritate you. Here in Austin, it’s easy, we merely suggest that it’s caused by the Houston drivers. Or the imports from California, folks who don’t respect our unwritten rules of the road. “Hang up and drive,” you find yourself shouting at these kind of people. And if you’re in Houston, then it’s the folks who are from Louisiana, and if you’re in Louisiana, then it’s the idiots from Texas, and you see how this goes? No matter here you are, “they” will follow you and do their dead level best to make your life miserable all week long. You can even try staying home, but then there will be some fool on the tube who is making you irritable, and you get too caught up to change the channel. My solution is to avoid them all.

Libra : Mars always lends a little boost to everything — especially when he’s in your sign — like he is right now. And Mr. Mars is getting a stronger than ever little kick right now, as well, what with some miscellaneous help from other planets. It’s like adding octane booster to your gasoline. And this is going to give you a boost. It’ll improve your performance, but the problem with a boost like this is that you get a feeling that it’s just might tax your normal systems a little too much. In hindsight, you’ll be able to say, “I know I should have checked the oil, I know I should have checked the tire pressure, I know I should have replaced that frayed belt….” Knowing a good astrologer helps, I’ll suggest you check all those things, maybe more, before you start out this week. Then enjoy the Mars Octane Booster charge.

Scorpio : The jokes about rednecks and cars up on blocks in the front yard are too numerous, and, for that matter, too cliche to use. But it does make for a wonderful metaphor right now, especially for my dear Scorpio friends. Imagine yourself with a nice, manly car jack, pumping up the front end of your vehicle, and putting cinder blocks under the front axle. Then, you scoot on around to the back side, and do the same thing. There you go: car on blocks. And that’s enough hard work for the week. Retire to your domicile, and think, plan, and connive on the next move for this project. It’s a simple way to look at the week, but with your present vehicle disabled, you can’t get in as much trouble, at least theoretically. Of course, stuck in your Scorpio trailer, you’re going to find the Home Shopping Channel highly seductive, too. No, don’t touch that dial. You might want to consult your astrologer before you spend any money on stuff that you might not really need. Try to limit your impulse buys this week — unless you’re thinking about sending me money.

Sagittarius : Ever pick up the phone to hear a seductively growly voice at the other end, making suggestive comments? “Last night was wonderful, darling….” and then, in true Sagittarius fashion, wonder just who is on the other end? You got a week like that, that same, helpless feeling. To be sure, you’re just a little proud that the person on the other end is so pleased with your performance, but the last thing you recall last night was watching a little news, maybe reading the day’s paper. Still, weird phone calls before sunrise can have some good news. You have an experience like this, perhaps it doesn’t happen right first thing Monday morning, but you do have some strange message that apparently comes out of nowhere, and you get that tingle, that feeling of glee and dread, all at the same time. It’s okay, this week is going to feel like it’s someone else’s idea of a good morning prank.

Capricorn : I realize that Venus is supposed to make you feel good because she’s in your sign all week long. And that’s supposedly a good thing. There’s just this unfortunate amount of energy which is going to also override that benevolent feeling about Venus, and wind up making you feel a little testy. Maybe a lot of feisty, not just a little. The problem with adding a little bit of “zing” to your already heaping plate is like some of the hot sauce found in parts of Texas: you have to be careful you don’t add so much “heat” otherwise, your eyes tear up and you can’t see straight. Given the general tone of the times, maybe “see straight” and “see clearly” should be interchanged as expressions for the time being. But be careful with hot items, and tread carefully where you might not want to go. It’s advice I usually save for Yankee types, but it really applies to my most excellent Capricorn friends right now: test a little before you go whole hog.

Aquarius : The approach of the holidays is going to leave you a little weepy, a little sentimental, a little inclined to feel, well, a little dramatic. It’s not bad, it just is. There’s an echo, like something coming back to visit you again, something you’ve said, a suggestion you made years ago, an idea, a concept you were kicking around. It was like one of my friends, discussing his latest hair style, the coloring and the way it would grow back out. Blond hair, cut short, dyed back, then let it grow back — I hope you get the visual. But this discussion about hair style lead me to think about a way to color a fly I was trying to design. Inspiration, like hair styles, comes from the strangest of places. And combining two separate and disparate elements will give up some “interesting” results.

Pisces : Some other astrologers would approach this week with a Zen approach. I think a slightly less elevated, far more human reaction might benefit the Pisces camp right now. Look forward to a tantrum soon. Sure, you’re supposed to be the spiritual master, and sure, you’re supposed to be impervious to all this mundane, real world stuff. Forget it. Have yourself a good old raging fit sometime this week. It never hurts. Or it shouldn’t hurt, not too much. The purpose of the anger is to channel some energy, set up some road blocks, and then like my big truck plowing through a barricade on the way to the lake, knock down those obstacles. You’re in the process of cutting through some old garbage right now, and nothing fuels the Pisces truck more than a little bit of being angry. This is not without a degree of action, though, don’t forget that you can’t get so mad that you have to go back and apologize later. I hate that.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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