For the week of: 11/12-18/2001
“Thou are not altogether a fool”
Shakespeare’s ‘Timon of Athens’ [II.ii.119]

Last week’s trivia question churned up some interesting answers, according to the cat.

> round about 11/6/01 2:59 AM, ya’ll wrote:
> Denton – Home of Happiness
> Weird, but I read it a long time ago in an old AAA roadbook.

“Denton — home of happiness” appears on a sign at the beginning of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, perfect as a wrap to Halloween [and introducing Scorpio]. Mars hits that point which is right smack dab in the middle of Aquarius, and that’s bound to send shivers up down some spines. Just hold on, as the little red planet continues his march forward. Money may be the root of all evil, but it takes a little to help keep this site up and running. There are a number of ways to support this web site, if you’d like to see it stay open and freely available. The best way is to stop on by this weekend’s event, and show your [financial] support for the astrologer — come and get a reading. [Tell the lady at the door you’re on “Kramer’s guest list,” to get in free.] If you’re not in Austin, or the general area, then consider our reports as an inexpensive [and therefore not really evil] way to gain heavenly insight.

Aries: You know, what goes up, won’t come back down again, not if it reaches an escape velocity of 11.3 kilometers per second. Think about it. You’re sorely tempted to throw something away, and the chances of that thing coming back to haunt you are pretty good. Unless, of course, you can actually achieve that escape velocity. Much as I like Aries, I can’t say that I have high hopes you’re going to do it — achieve the speed necessary to outrun the problem. It’s a lot like working on the old truck here, you know, I’ve learned to be very careful with the oil drained out of the motor’s block because there is usually a mission critical piece of equipment, like, maybe, the drain plug? And this is floating in the bottom of the drain pan. Instead of just throwing all that stuff away, maybe hold onto it long enough to make sure that everything is back together properly. In your haste, you could pull a really stupid maneuver, and that looks bad. What’s worse, though is having to go and try to sift through a fifty-five gallon drum of discarded oil, trying to find that one part. So before you throw anything away, before you try to achieve escape velocity with your problem, make sure it’s something you really want to get rid of.

Taurus: Ever met someone with a bad hair cut, one of those styles that is so fitfully rendered, it looks good because it’s so bad? Given my hair and its style, even a bad hair day isn’t too much trouble. I can always throw all the hair up under a hat, and call it a day. And in most parts of Texas, with few exceptions [“Gentlemen WILL remove hats in the dining room,”] I can get away with this for a day. But there’s another kind of bad hair cut, bad hair style which seems to work. You look at this person’s head, and you can’t help but think, “I’d kill that barber.” Still, for some reason, the hair looks okay, even though, it looks bad. With the right flair, you can pull off something just like that, especially now. Even a bad a hair cut, even a really bad dye job, even the worst of the barber shop experiences can be overlooked. There’s a certain attitude you can wear, a special way of looking, an air about you which clearly states, “I meant it to look like this.” And it might not be your hair style, but I figure that’s the first place it will show up. The key to success, the way to win during the coming few days, act like it is exactly like you intended it to be. Who knows? Maybe you’ll start a new trend.

Gemini: I hope, by now, you are ready to pull it all together. You know I’ve been hammering you about this, but right now, this week, it’s a good time to wrap it all up and get ready for everything to start out the way it’s supposed to. I know you’ve been rather impatient with me lately, but that’s just the odd luck of the planets. You’re about to pull it all together. You’re about to have everything click into place. You’re about to have it start working for you. Regrettably, it doesn’t all fall into place at this point in time, but you can see, long range, how everything will fit together. That’s the point, taking that long range way of looking at the events which are currently transpiring. You have to step back, step away from what it is that you’re working on, maybe take about three steps back, and get a good look at the whole thing. Survey all that you can see. Taking the long range way of looking at something helps a lot. It gives you a chance to work everything out. There are some seemingly pointless details, which need some help, and you can’t see why your energy is getting diverted unless you look at the big picture. Take three steps back and survey all you can see before you make that big decision.

Cancer: I drove over to a friend’s apartment the other night, she lives in one of those “gated communities” — just around the corner from Shady Acres (where not only do we not have a gate, we don’t have any security patrol either — not that one is needed, either). The management at her apartment has decided to help save the gate by erecting a speed bump right in front of the gate. And the timing on that Auto Gate is such that only one vehicle is supposed to slide through at a time. With the new speed bump, it also slows down the process of gaining access to my friend’s apartment. First the gate, then the bump. Or, as it is in the physical world, first the bump, then the gate. All it really means, if you have an older truck like I do, I have to approach entrance to the gated community with caution. I’m always afraid the gate will swing back and catch the tail end of my truck. That gate, its speed bump, and the little electric box for opening the gate, all of that is like your next couple of days. Just slow down, don’t try anything fancy, and the gate won’t bite back. But like a lot of things in life, there’s a built in “idiot proof” thing which means you can’t punch the buttons more than twice without the durn fool gate locking you out completely. So go easy, go slow, and be patient. The gate will open, eventually, and you’ll get to your destination.

Leo: You have two, disparate influences yanking your Leo string. One says, “Get on the horn, call up the friends, let’s have PARTY!” Of course, the other influences wants to yank you the other way, “Just go home, feel sorry for yourself, and give up because no one cares about poor, lonesome me.” This is not a tough equation to resolve, though, it should be pretty clear and simple: If you do something, doesn’t much matter what, but if you just do something to get yourself out of the house, away from the computer, out of harm’s way, then good things all start to fall into place. Failure to do so, though, failure to get out of the way of that savagely attacking Leo brain, failure results in a downward spiral that is just not a pretty sight. Doing anything which requires you to motivate up and outward, anything is better than sitting there in your own, Leo brain created stench. The factors I’m looking at have a lot to do with where certain planets are, like Mars opposite you in Aquarius, or the Sun and his followers in Scorpio. All of these are fixed signs, means they are all in tough spots for you. You may not win this week, but if you don’t play, the only thing you can do is feel sorry for yourself.

Virgo: Road trips are always fun. I love to travel. But sometimes, especially after weeks and weeks on the road, it’s fun to get home, prop your feet up on the coffee table after sliding out of the boots, and relax. It’s nice to have a cool beverage in front of the tube, maybe watch a little daytime TV, catch up on my soaps, you get the image. Find out who is doing what to who in the stories. I’ll take a little bit of “fur therapy” too, time spent with the cat pointedly ignoring me while I try to appease her. Once there are some kitty treats in her copious jowls, though, she quickly loses interest in the fact that I am home. Now, in your hectic week, even if you’re not traveling a lot, take a little time for your own version of “fur therapy.” Pet cat, pet dog, pet goldfish (makes good bait, too), something like. Maybe it’s just taking enough time to get caught up on the routine paperwork at home. Maybe it’s just some of the routine itself which feels good. Ease up on the frantic pace you’ve been trying to maintain, take a little break. You might not be like me, you might not be getting back in from a road trip, but you are going to be in dire need of a little routine house, life, self, soul maintenance. This is a [Virgo] perfect time for just activities.

Libra: The particular lyrical refrain for this week shows up in a number of different tunes, but the basic premise is something along the lines of, and you can sing along with me, “How I wish was anywhere else but here….” The way I see it, things are really pretty good in Libra land, but it is as if you have couch which doesn’t want to let you up. My neighbor, here at Shady Acres, had just such a couch. We finally hauled the thing off. It was going to be a lawn ornament, but some other guy decided he needed the ragged beast in his trailer more than we needed it on our front lawn. The way the beast worked, you would sink down into its grasp, and the dirty upholstery would grab you, enfold its loving embrace around you, and all the care in the world would seep out. I’ve seen people fall asleep on that couch in less than ten minutes. Likewise, in Libra Land, there’s a dangerously seductive trait right now. You prop your tired and aching feet up for just a moment’s rest, and you’re suddenly in the land of slumber. What’s wrong with this? Nothing, really, except that there are a myriad of details which need your attention right now, and nothing is getting down, not as long as you are taking a nap. Fight the power, carefully evade the grasp of that couch, and get out — you will be amazed at what can be accomplished.

Scorpio: Still more good Scorpio birthdays, a few left on the list, and here’s a salute, and a rousing, “Happy Birthday!” to ya’ll. Might as well enjoy the time being, and take it for what it is, rather than trying to worry about all those things that seem to spinning out of your good Scorpio grasp. These are not big problems, which evade your firm grasp, just little ones. And instead of getting worked up over little problem, over which you have no control, why not sit back and enjoy the party? Little problems can become big ones, if you let your more than capable Scorpio mind wander off its mark. If you let your mind go into places where no self-respecting, good-natured Scorpio would go during daylight hours, then after dark, why would you go there? Alone? Unarmed? What are you thinking? So stay safe right now, don’t put yourself into a situation where your better judgment dictates you don’t go. And while you’re at it, this little mental exercise, remember not to let those items which you have no control over, those little problems, don’t let them take up any extra Scorpio mental space right now. It’s not worth the efforts, and face it, there are just some things which evade your firm grasp and good guidance.

Sagittarius: Almost. Ever notice that the grass is greener someplace else? Ever wonder what you could do about that? Around here, the grass is usually greener if it gets an adequate supply of water, and then certain [mostly organic] compounds are also necessary. Yes, this stuff which helps keep the grass greener is often referred to as a “bovine byproduct,” and that stuff does improve the lawn’s appearance. Instead of wondering about why it looks better over there, think about what you can spread around in your own yard to make things a little greener, right here, right now. You get a shot at this, one shinning moment when things are good, and if you line everything up correctly, you can make the lawn appear much better. It could be some late autumn perspiration. It could be that fine way only a Sagittarius can handle the bovine byproduct. It could be any number of these factors, but a little work, a little bit of spreading it around, yes, that will help things along in a big way. Look at it this way: you’re getting a really early start on next spring’s growing season [Northern Hemisphere, you guys down south, work with the metaphor].

Capricorn: Every home repair project I have ever undertaken has taken approximately three times as long to finish, and the cost has almost always been exactly double what I thought it should be. Even when I’m generous with estimates, there always seems to be one or two items that get left out of the original cost analysis. You’re looking at some home improvement stuff. You’re looking at fixing something you’ve been meaning to fix for a while now. I started on a leaky faucet here in my trailer, and within a week, I had most of the plastic pipes in the kitchen pulled out, and for a while, I was without any kind of water. It was like camping out, only, I was in my own home. Adds a certain, special dimension to romantic evenings when you have to explain to your date that the bathroom is about two trees away, past the parking lot. So if your undertaking any such type of endeavor, if you’re going to be “working on the house” some, then make sure you make allowances for that little extra cost. Make sure you leave something in your checking account to cover the little things that always get forgotten. Then, too, there’s always that secret weapon that is ever so handy: the 24 hour lumber yard/construction superstore. Make sure you know where that is, as well, before you start on this week’s upgrade project.

Aquarius: There’s this fine degree of balance that’s required, and it’s going to be a tricky point. There’s the printed word, the little set of instructions, which came with the project you’re working on, and you can follow those instructions. Or you can be a little more daring, and venture into some unknown territory, and just sort of figure this out yourself. You can let your fingers do the walking, or you can let your legs do the walking. It’s like rebuilding a motor around here, there’s the handy instruction book we use as a starting point, the one with the exploded diagram, the stuff that shows which parts are supposed to fit into what places. Thing “A” belongs in slot “B” — that sort of instructions. Then there’s the common sense stuff, the little tricks you learn over the years. One brand of motor is supposed to assembled with nothing but that brand’s special assembly oil — but years of experience suggests that the cheaper oil actually works better. Sometimes, it’s okay to deviate from the printed instruction sheet, in both life, and when putting motors back together.

Pisces: Being called a “Fishing Guide” often implies that my sole office is the backseat of a boat. Nice idea. Good work, too, if you can get it. But if you check the yellow pages in any port along the Texas coastline, you’ll discover there are a lot of fishing guides. We’re really a pretty common item. Now, lots of people are offering you guidance with your immediate future. Lots of folks claim to have your best interests at heart, and lots of us claim to know what is best for you. It’s up to you, though, to decide which one of us is actually more right. Too many words of guidance are nothing more than silly platitudes, repackaged and shoved down the pike at your Pisces self. At one point, you’ve got to decide which one is more right, which one is pulling your leg, and which one really doesn’t know what he’s talking about. This is a period time, right now, thanks to the Sun being in Scorpio (compatible water sign for you), thanks to that place in the Pisces sky, it’s up to you to make the decision, not one of us. [But the evidence I’ve got indicates that Lake Austin is the place to be.]

(c) Kramer Wetzel, 2000, 2001

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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