For the Week of: 11/13-19/2003
“[He is] a subtle slippery knave, a finder out of occasions.”
Shakespeare’s Othello [II.i.240]

The Harmonica Conversion is over, but the astral patterns are just starting to pick up — post-eclipse events.

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Life is pretty much wonderful for the trailing edge of the Scorpio birthdays. It may not be the grandest it’s ever been, but it’s not too shabby, either. There will be one or two, especially with birthdays this week, who will complain. I’d advise using caution before complaining too loudly. Here’s the problem. Or, here’s an example of the problem. A number of local residents were complaining that a particular TV station, a local news affiliate, was parking its “eye in the sky” traffic chopper right over our neighborhood, in the middle of the morning rush hour, thereby disturbing our peace and quiet.

Trailer park residents in South Austin can be a vociferous group, particularly when it comes to disturbing their peace and tranquility. That affiliate station? They used to run ads about their special brand of journalism and news, focusing on local issues. Consumer issues. Standing up for the little guy. So one plucky resident notified the selfsame station that there was this traffic helicopter violating local sound ordinances and air-traffic rules. Bit of conundrum, huh? The way the planets stack up for you, chances are, you’re that loud and raucous neighbor of mine, complaining to the station. But you’d better be careful as next week arrives, you might wind up being the TV affiliate.

Ever watch a tow-truck drama? I got to see one, just, well, less than a week ago. It was in an apartment parking lot, and I paused long enough to see what was going to happen. First, there’s the truck itself, backed up to a late model sedan. Then, two guys were working at putting those little wheels under the front wheel, and it was obvious that the two tow truck drivers had worked together for a while. I mean, it’s sort of sad to see your ride picked up and hauled away, but then, should’ve been thinking about making the payments on time, right? Or whatever the infraction. So these two guys slide the bars under the front, slap the little carrier-tow-dolly wheels on, and crank everything up.

Then some guy comes bolting out of the apartments, talking a mile a minute, trying to reason with the drivers. One of the drivers was a younger guy, pretty stout in size, with a fierce-looking “Fu Manchu” style goatee. As the (soon to be) towed car owner was gesturing, arguing, pleading, the big guy would just shrug his shoulders and suggest it was all out of his hands. The other driver was already in the cab, ready to roll. Problem is, to some folks, that car is an extension of their manhood.

Getting it towed away, and I never did get all the details, but I think it had to do with late payments, is a horrible feeling, no matter what the cause. Imagine what that poor driver had to listen to, as well, all the excuses, some abuse, and a few profanities, not particularly artful vulgarities, if you ask me. Mars, in Pisces, reminds us about something we should’ve done. If you paid attention, then you’re like the tow-truck driver, the object of scorn, yet, in your mind, you know you’re just “doing your job.” Of course, you might be the one who’s getting towed, too. You can always say, “I towed you so.”

Ran into a Capricorn friend the other afternoon. She was in rare form. Actually, if you know this person, you’d understand that she was in “normal” mode, but to the rest of the folks at the lunch counter, she was in rare form. She was hammering on and on about all the characters who have recently forced their way into her life. Business partners who are slackers, clients who are slackers, bankers who are slackers, in short, just about everyone she encountered was a slacker. She’s obviously a Capricorn — not a slacker.

Hard-working, industrious, fair-minded, and, of course, I have sneak in a sexist comment, easy on the eyes. Rather fetching, if you ask me. But no one did ask me. The other males in the group, that afternoon, would agree. Not unlike her, you’ve made some decisions lately, and your Capricorn brain stem is starting to question your own judgment. No, in the long run, in the big picture, over all, none of these recent decisions are going to hurt you. In the short run though? I’m sure you’re still questioning yourself. Find a lunch counter full of sympathetic folks for the purpose of venting. When you hear your own words, you’ll be surprised because you’ll also find your own solution to the problems.

One of the longest running TV cartoon ever? Scooby-Doo. One of the points somebody recently explained to me in a reading was that the guilty person — in every episode — was the second character encountered. I don’t know, I don’t own a TV, and I never watched that program often enough to see. What I always liked was the sense that there was always something else going on in the back of the Mystery Machine. Plus, the program itself was so 1970’s, it was just a classic. All right, I’m sure there are many references from other literary sources, about how certain formulas work. Script conventions, patterns, actions characters take that lead to expressions like “Zoiks!”

And you get to have some cartoon-type of fun in the next couple of days, too, as you madly scamper around trying to gather up clues as to what is going on. But when the dust settles, or when it gets time for the wrap up, and as you unmask that guilty party, you’re bound to realize it was, indeed that second character you encountered on your personal odyssey for the last couple of days. Straight up plot device. Nothing unusual here. Maybe that’s the problem, it all looks like a script so you’re tempted, in your own Aquarian fashion, to not follow the script. Don’t miss some obvious clues because you keep trying to deviate from the script conventions.

Sage advice, “When in Rome, shoot roman candles.” Think about it. I was worried that you would go off on some unsuspecting, poor, innocent person, you know, blow up at some soul, and then I got to thinking about it. Given the normal Pisces temperament, I can’t see you just going off on somebody for no reason. But woe be to the person who crosses your Pisces path in an unsuspecting manner, as you’re on a tear.

Two causes, part of it is the way Jupiter is and Mars are interacting at the moment, and part of it has to do with the relative position of Miss Moon. Since some of these influences are rather mercurial in nature, why not leave the Mars and Jupiter influence alone? Or, if you get so motivated, then why not shoot off roman candles instead of involving yourself in real–or allegorical–firefight?

There’s really no good, hardcore reason to get your self all worked up over a perceived slight. Mars, ah yes, Mr. Mars, we’ve talked a lot about him, haven’t we? He’s working you over in a big way, and instead of succumbing to his negative influences, put that energy to good use. Go for the fireworks, not the firefight.

Mercury and Venus move in coherent harmony to let you find some peace in your Aries world. That’s the good news. No sooner do I suggest that there’s good news than you suggest that there’s the other side to this problem. I was out by the park, on the trail, making my way home, or maybe I was outbound to meet a client someplace, I don’t recall. My direction is not important.

What I noticed was a young lady walking her amazing-looking dog. I think it was a Husky, or Malamute, or one of those weird wolf-looking guys with the piercing blue eyes (for a dog). The pair, the lady and the dog, were jogging along when, all of sudden, the dog tugs at his lead, and stops to sniff something. Dogs do that sort of thing. Then, this incredibly beautiful dog has to stop and roll in the grass. Or whatever it was he was sniffing. As I walked passed, I grinned, and the lady rolled her eyes.

Doesn’t matter which one you wind up being, the dog on the lead or the lady leading the dog, sometimes, nature has to be appeased. For some of us, a good roll in something stinky is just ever so refreshing. For other’s a good jog is refreshing. Whatever. Or, not to mince words, whatever works best for Aires.

The holiday season is fast approaching, and it’s time to do something about your sad state of affairs. Scratch that introduction, let’s start over. The holiday season is fast approaching and it’s high time we got some affairs going for Taurus. Nope, that one didn’t work, either. Skip it all. The holidays are not far off, and it’s time to do something fun for yourself, for others, and no one but yourself can get anything going.

So it is up to you, up to your fine, sweet, demure Taurus self to get all the little ducks in a row, get everything lined up that you want to have happen, and then make it all work. Pull out the appointment book, or the electronic date organizer, or whatever it is that you use, and look at the blank spots. Got a few of those, and they need to be filled up. No one looks out better for you than yourself. Of course, I look out for Taurus as well, but that’s not the question. How do you get something going? How do you find excitement when there’s none to be found? There’s a tickle of an idea, something working through the back part of your brain, some ideas that you’ve flirted with, and it’s time to put those ideas to work for you. Don’t be afraid to go back and mine a few of the strange notions that you’ve had in the past. You’d be surprised how that pays off.

I found a really cute cigar quote from Groucho Marx, and I was going to use it in your scope when I realized that about 90% or better of the Gemini folks I know fail to appreciate the delicate, subtle and supreme pleasure of just such a comment. And a good cigar. Nope, I was afraid that the quote would upset rather than amuse the Gemini readership.

That’s the problem with the way the planets are stacking up, someone comes along and makes what seems to be an indelicate comment. Before you jump all over that poor person, stop and consider the source of the information, and then think about what the intended purpose of the comment is supposed to be. Your Gemini perceptions might be a little frazzled. It’s not like you’re fried, or that you’re being chased, or chastised, or any combination of those, it was supposed to be a funny comment.

Problem being, you’re a little more emotional than usual. One of my off-the-cuff comments would catch you a little wrong. Unfortunately, not every one is Gemini-sensitive at this point, so some other person will probably come along with that same Groucho Marx quote, and it might get your Gemini dander in an uproar.

This is one of those stories that gets a little convoluted. A friend of friend arranged for some tickets to see a special show, and I wound up sitting next to a woman who would later seek me out for some kind of astrological enlightenment. “I thought you were from the Meat Puppets. You know, you kind of look like that guitar player….” See, the friend of a friend, also bagged tickets for the woman sitting next to me. But no, I’m not a guitar player. Or a musician. Or a promoter. Or anything else like that, I’m just a writer who churns out horoscopes.

So it wasn’t fate, and that woman making eyes at me wasn’t going to get a dream date with some famous musician. Just the way it goes. No big brush with fame. No close call with someone really famous. Just an ordinary guy with long hair, sorry. It’s going to happen to you, this week, as well, same astrological configuration. One of those tricks of Saturn plus the Moon and some other influences. You’re probably like that woman sitting next to me in the reserved seats, a little let down that I’m not some famous guitar player. And like me, you’re going to be moaning about this. Just once, is that too much to ask for, just once, I want to hear some famous musician get asked, “Hey, aren’t you that guy who writes astrofish.net?”

Aesthetics are usually very important to a delicate and wonderful Leo nature. I fixed a home-made “frito pie” the other evening, which is basically a bag of corn chips and a can of chili poured over those chips, then nuke the whole mess until something smells cooked. In fact, I tired it a little different than usual, setting it all in the nuker, and then letting it go on a low setting for several minutes as I was doing laundry at the time. Because normal seasonings usually aren’t hot enough for me, I’d sprinkled a couple of tablespoonfuls of cayenne, more my nod to cooking expertise, I layered the pepper on top of the chips but under the chili.

When I got back from pumping quarters in the laundry machine, the trailer had this wonderful aroma like a drive-in, or like the convenience store around the corner, their version of hot dogs rotating in the glass display, way over-cooked. It was an excellent repast, if I do say so myself. That little trick of cooking slow seemed to work. Besides, it’s virtually impossible to burn chili.

Your Leo sense of aesthetics could use a little help these days. It’s not what it used to be. Or it’s not what it could be. That heaping portion of cayenne pepper was the trick ingredient that made everything wonderful and it’s what added to the aromatic sense that there was good food waiting on me when I popped back into the trailer. Be warned, though, you and me? Our sense of taste? It might not fly with everyone else.

“Man, I like reading your scopes, and you know, Kramer, you’re usually pretty good. But the past few weeks, you’ve been all wrong about Virgo.” It was a typical exchange, I’d run into a Virgo friend while I was out, and he wasn’t happy. He went on to enumerate my various foibles and weaknesses, calling into question dubious parental lineage, my family, his family, how much money he was losing as a result of some ill-timed mistake, based on some off-hand comment I’d made about the goodness of Jupiter in Virgo.

I could see his face getting red, then redder, as I was sure his blood pressure was going into the danger zone. He started out friendly enough, but once he got going, and before he was done, I’d been called many bad words. In a situation like this, I’ve got a relatively thick skin. It wasn’t like he was paying me for advice, I’d merely commented that the lucky star was in Virgo. Mars is also opposite that lucky star, and that opposition is going to create a little tension. Before you haul off and get all worked up about yelling at me, sure I can take it, but before you do that, stop and think about the root source for that frustration. Is it really legitimate to blame the horoscope’s author for a situation you’ve created yourself?

One of my regular clients called me in panic, worried that I needed to check a few astrology charts, and offered me a princely sum in order to assuage her worries. Seems that this particular person has a child, and the child wanted to have “that talk” with the parental unit. It’s about sex. It’s about talking frankly and openly about topics that must scare some parents. Or children.

Or it might be a topic that has been swept under the cover of something — like the rug, or hidden under blanket in the corner, or, in the case of my place, it might be like that cat toy languishing under the couch. It’s a typical cat toy, only now, it’s covered with dust balls and stray clumps of cat fur, all that stuff I don’t dare touch. I consider it all organic and just let it be.

Unlike me, though, you’re coming up with topic in the next few days that has to be addressed. Might not be “that talk” with offspring about from whence babies come, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if it’s a chat along similar lines. Plus, there’s the added discomfort you feel from having to have “that talk” with that particular person. Jump right on in, you don’t really need someone to tell you it’s okay to be honest.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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