Greatest Hits, 2009

Author: Kramer Wetzel Published: December 19, 2009

Can’t wait to get the double aughts behind us?

Here it is, hand-selected, greatest hits from the horoscopes, 2009. Original dates included:

3.12.2009, Aries: A couple of years ago, a nice girlfriend gave me a beautiful Hawaiian (print) shirt. At first, I wouldn’t wear the shirt, since it was gift, and it was so nice, I mean this is one of those shirts that defies description, a really pretty print. But after a few years, despite its sentimental appeal, I liked that girl, I realized that shirts are meant to be worn. Besides, sitting on a hanger in my closet?

What’s up with that?

It’s much nicer to have someone ask where I got the shirt, and then the story about the nice girlfriend who obviously has better taste than me, how she gave the shirt as a gift. Just a little touch like that. But wearing the shirt also means that I have to wash the shirt, and even though I’m washing it on a gentle cycle, it’s still getting washed. I’m afraid the print will fade. The memory won’t though, and I think that’s part of the point. Some objects, some items, some things in life are meant to be used rather than savored. Is it time to stop hoarding in Aries?

1.29.2009, Taurus: I was walking home from the post office, the other afternoon. A skateboarder was languidly cruising down the sidewalk, on the opposite side of the street. Going the same direction, which means, in a moment, he rolled past the point where we would be even. I glanced up from the stack of mail. Ball cap, black jeans, t-shirt, chain-drive wallet, knock-off Chuck Taylors, typical.

The kid, I couldn’t tell his age under a shock of uneven black hair, did an attempt at an axel-grind then flip. He failed. Landed flat on his butt. I didn’t giggle. I was still across the street, so I didn’t see the exact details, but I wasn’t laughing at a skater who just fell on his butt. He just kicked the board back over on its wheels, got up without so much as a shake, didn’t bother to dust off his pants, put a foot on the board and pushed off with his other foot. Didn’t miss a beat.

Fell flat on his ass, didn’t phase him a single bit. Take a lesson from that skater that I was watching. Try something tricky? Expect to land on your butt. And even if you do land on your ass? Pick yourself up, don’t look back over your shoulder, and put a foot back on the board and push off again. Easy.

4.30.2009, Gemini: Put up a picture, of a pet. A pet dog. If you’re like me, and you don’t have a dog, then put up a picture of a friend’s dog. Makes people seem more loyal to you. I had a client and she hadn’t actually met the man she was supposed to be meeting, but she brought me his (alleged) birthday data, and she gushed over how wonderful he was. “He has a picture of his dog, on his My Space page!”

Would you just settle down for a minute? Maybe half a minute? A picture of dog, no way to know if it really is an actual dog, on a web page with dubious points of reference? All I’m saying, it’s an old sales trick and it seems to be updated in the modern world.

“But isn’t he cute? And he likes dogs, so we’d get along, right?” Then she rattled the birthday off, cited the sign, cited compatibility probability, and made much ado about a-near-imaginary friend. Virtual boyfriend. All because of a picture of a dog. They were going to get together and meet in the real world before too long, but there was always a problem. Which didn’t stop the gush of sentiments, real or manufactured, from my client. Didn’t listen to a word of the warning. Turns out, it was a picture of a dog, just not a dog that the guy had. But that’s not really what this is about. Want to build some loyalty? It’s an old sales trick — get a picture of a dog.

3.12.2009, Cancer: I’ve used a variety of broadband services, cable, DSL, cellular, and so forth. These days, I’m pretty much just on a cable modem, as it seems fast enough and it works well often enough. Had a few problems at first, but they’ve been good so far. There was a problem the other day, and I called tech support since nothing I was doing could punch through to a network. No inter-web stuff.

I was mildly irritated when we “power-cycled” the cable box. In plain language? Unplug the box, let it reset, cool off, time out or whatever, and then plug it back in. Power up. Everything came back. What embarrassed me, was the solution was one I could’ve done myself without having to call for help. It also got me to musing about clients, and in particular, Cancer folks.

Wouldn’t it be nice to just unplug a person for a few days? Then plug them back in, and that person would return to his — or her — original settings? Be nice, I know. I could use that on a few friends, too. Regrettably, there is no such setting on humans. Or humanoid people we encounter. Especially not this week. You can do an imaginary reset, but that doesn’t work well.

“I’m going to walk out the door, then I’m going to walk back in, and we’ll have an adult conversation about this issues, okay?”

(It was a nice try; got to say that much.)

6.4.2009, The Leo: I had a painful lesson, last Xmas. I’d done a holiday album, actually, more like a visual celebration of the last year, and all the big events — big fish, little girlfriends, and so forth — from the last year. With the computer, I turned it into a video album and from there, I burned it as a DVD. I was thinking about this, I had a lot of fun making the video. I enjoyed the experience. My experience wasn’t well-received. It was, to a certain extent, but not that big of deal. It was about half an hour of a favorite Leo topic: Me! Well, except it was me and some fish and BBQ, and not a lot else. But if I were a Leo, it would’ve been a bigger hit.

My immediate family was marginally impressed. My Sister was intrigued by the details, and she was going to start burning some of her professional work in a similar way. But the content itself? After the first thirty seconds? Not of interest to a lot of people. Therein is the problem. Just because it amuses us? Which it will, that doesn’t mean everyone is in awe.

I’m not saying don’t do it, but I would suggest that you lower your expectations on how other audiences will receive whatever the Leo project is. I’m just trying to save you Leo pain. (Leo pain is greater than normal peoples’ pains, duh.)

2.26.2009, Virgo: One of the hardest life lessons we have to learn is what bridges to cross and which ones to burn. I’d like to think that me, in my capacity of working with stellar (astrological) influences, that I can help discern just which bridges need to be burned and which ones need to be crossed. As a Virgo, though, you’re tempted to question my judgment about such matters. I’m not offended.

However, I will offer a bit of advice, the bridge you’re about to burn? Might want to think about that a second time. Look carefully. Look closely. What — a hasty assumption made upon cursory evidence — a first glance might appear as fodder for the fire? Might want to think twice about that. Might be less fuel, and more like bridges for crossing.

I’m not saying that some questions, valid Virgo questions, have to boil down to burn or cross, but there is the suggestion that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t a time be waving around a torch. Or even a disposable lighter. Matches. No, none of that. We can make this life lesson easy, or we can make it difficult. It’s your call, but I’m suggesting, at the very least, not yet with the matches.

8.27.2009, Libra: I was looking through an older text, a book I’d used many years ago. Truthfully, I was really looking for something else, but that one text caught my attention. I had post-it notes, some blank, some with cryptic notations, all making references to a topic that I could no longer fathom. Pretty interesting stuff, from a localized archeology purview.

I wasn’t even sure what some of the old notes referenced. Not that it matters. I left the post-it bookmarks in place, along with the scribbled notes. Might mean something to me at some point. Might not. The notes, the bookmarks, the text itself, none of this takes up too much shelf space. It’s easy to store, even if I don’t know exactly what I was looking at — at the time.

That’s kind of what this week is like, a little delving back into the Libra Library. A little look at where you’ve been, and whatever it was that you were looking for. Or maybe not what you were looking for, but what you find? It’s what you’re were supposed to find. Some days, like this week? It’s less about what you were looking for and more about the journey and process of discovery.

11.12.2009, Scorpio: Local sports are always a big deal, and I might be mistaken, but there was a local high school team, probably from a remote West Texas town, the team’s name? The Possums. The problem being, with a name like that? Like the “Poteet Possums?” Or wherever it was? When that team played at home, the home field advantage, they were great.

I’d like to think it was a Scorpio-like team, because they would be sneaky and good. I mean, you know, sneaky, like clever. The home-field advantage, I’m sure. The problem with the team? Like many of the smaller West Texas towns, there’s a sizable amount of travel involved in order to compete. What I’m warning Scorpio about? Travel. Careful in the next few days. You know what happened to the Possums when they went on the road? They just got killed.

5.28.2009, Sagittarius: As an “artist,” I find the Mercury Retrograde periods as particularly fertile territory. Fertile, occasionally febrile, maybe fevered, hot as it’s been lately, but still, it’s rich hunting ground for material. As such, I haven’t wasted the last few weeks. The problem is adding structure and form to the wild imagination and material that’s surfaced from the imagination, especially in the last few weeks.

The next few days are all about adding some kind of form and function to what the last couple of weeks were all about. There is a wealth of material, and quite a few mistakes, and all of that can be combined, the deal is, the point being? Trying to impose form and organization in a place where chaos is rampant? Yeah, that’s a the Sagittarius challenge, and it’s only more and more “interesting” with the advent of the full moon. The lunar phase is just the icing on the cake, but it’s matter of trying to figure out where all this material fits. It does fit, but only a good Sagittarius will be able to figure out what it means. Might take a few days. No hurry.

1.8.2009, Capricorn: “How do you deal with a Capricorn?” I was minding my own business, for a change, and the girl behind the counter asked me that. Further elucidation was that the Capricorn in question? Being a bit difficult. Always had something nasty to say. Foul of temper. Mean of mouth. Tight with money, too.

Sounds normal, at least, to me it does. Get a Capricorn on a bad day? Yeah, could be like that. My suggestion? Clip this out and hand to anyone you have to deal with in the next few days, but my suggestion?

Despite the apparently gruff exterior of the Capricorn, there’s a little, soft, cuddly — and sensitive — person there. Don’t come down on that Capricorn too hard. Now, the chances of someone listening to my advice on how to deal with a Capricorn? Not very good. Unless, like I suggested, you cut this out and hand it over.

Since we don’t see that happening enough, maybe if you stop and realize that your jokes, jibes and asides? Maybe those don’t get properly dealt with, and perchance, my darling Capricorn, the other folk find you a tad grumpy. Appearing. I realize that it’s irony and sarcasm. You know that. But the other people? I doubt it. Oh well, after reading this, you know you can chalk it up to Mercury.

3.5.2009, Aquarius: In the 1968 classic movie, "Bullit," Steve McQueen drives a GT 390 Mustang. I might have the designation wrong on the car, but I’m pretty sure it was a ’68 390 Mustang. Probably a Shelby, too, but don’t hold me to my car trivia that might be older than me. The really bad guys were driving a Dodge Charger, probably a 440. The Mustang out-handles the Charger, winning the race, as it were. 9 minutes and 21 seconds of ground-breaking car-chase cinematography.

The lighter, leaner machine, driven by a driven character who bets on integrity instead of office politics, wins. Sort of, anyway. The role paved the way for other loner-cops (who adhere to strict, internal ethics) to help keep our world safe from crime. And then, there’s the streets of San Francisco, always a popular image as cars go flying through the air. The leaner, more adroit machine wins the day.

Think about that symbolism, not to mention it probably sold a few cars. Smaller, lighter, not as a big a motor, but better handling? More skillfully driven? Think about that as we try to negotiate the last part of this Mars stuff with the onset of Venus problems. Big charger? More nimble mustang? Who wins? Which car will you emulate?

4.2.2009, Pisces: Mars. Mars, Uranus, Venus backwards, and so on. What does it mean?

I had a special fishing pole, a Shakespeare ultra-light graphite trigger pole with small Ambassador reel on it. Strong monofilament line, and tiny “root beer” colored piece of plastic. Tiny plastic, lightweight pole, strong line. I landed a good bass with that setup. Surprised me, boating a good six-pound bass with a tiny bait. But that’s what this is about, with the planets like this.

Sometimes, what’s most fun, is the lightweight approach. Makes for a more epic struggle. The fishing reel, the part that winds up the fishing line, I had the drag set kind of light. That one fish, she would spool out some of the line, A truly epic battle of man to fish. Fun. Almost lost the fish, though, before the required photos. It was the fun part of the set-up, the lightweight gear. Almost couldn’t hold a big fish. Which was why it was fun. How you go at what the planets are dealing up this week? Up to you. A spirited, sporting chance is what you’ve got. You might be the fish, or you might be the fisher-person.

Got a favorite from the last year?

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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