Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 3.3.2011

“Be that thou know’st thou are, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear’st.”
Shakespeare’s Twelfth-Night; or, What You Will [V.i.136-7]

Jupiter — in Aries — squares Pluto — in Capricorn — and what that means?

    Check the travel & appearances schedule for upcoming locations. Might be one near you, cf., the download page for free eBooks of most of the regular books in print. Pisces: I had to throw away two hot dogs the other afternoon. It was a sad, sad time. I’m not sure what it is, something in my upbringing, I’m sure, but throwing away perfectly good food bothers me. However, I’m wise enough to recognize that the hotdogs themselves were discolored. Not in a fun way, either. Time to let them go to the compost pit. I’d sealed them back up in their container, ten hot dogs to a package, cheap, off-brand meat-like products in thin tubes, and I left them, I guess it’s been since before Xmas. Didn’t know those things would ever go bad, the hotdogs. If they had been the organic, healthy kind, I’d understand, but these? Just animal parts swept up and ground extra-fine, then loaded with salt and preservatives. How those can go bad? I’ve no idea. However, I’m mature enough to recognize the discoloration, under the plastic wrapper, and I’m just smart enough to know that I really can’t cover up spoiled food with cheap mustard. However, as a metaphor for Pisces? This is perfect: there are eight buns in a hotdog bun package. There are ten hotdogs in the store-bought package. Two left over, easy enough to see how this happens. The message is to throw out the stuff that’s clearly no longer serviceable, eatable, or usable. Toss.

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astrofish.netAries: I attended a fairly high-brow function in Austin. Crowd of several hundred people, big pavilion, and the usual rubber chicken kind of meal. It’s a cut above cafeteria-style food, but not by much. When we first arrived, I looked around at the crowd, the women all in evening wear and the men — myself included — in “business casual.” I’ve lived in and worked in Austin for so long, in any large crowd, I tend to know some of the people. Not my crowd, by a long shot. I laid a small wager, off to one side, that I would know at least one person in the room — someone I’ve done a reading for. Two guys sitting at our table, those two looked familiar, but I couldn’t place them. Real familiar, but there was no obvious, “Hey, Kramer!” So that didn’t count.

At the end of the evening, when the wait staff, again a few familiar faces, but no “Hey, Kramer!” when the wait staff was replaced by the spartan road crew, and when it looked like I was going to lose the wager, a tall, lanky roadie, under a shock blonde, of tastefully disarrayed hair, a brown t-shirt with “crew” on its back, he looks down at me. He’s way taller than I am. In heels, I was over 6′ 2″. “Hey, Kramer!” Like me, where you least expect it, from a corner that you least expect, comes a person who you least expect to see, in a place where you’d least expect it. Good or bad? Like me, I’m still trying to collect the twenty dollars from the wager.

Taurus: Ralph. It’s a first name. I have no idea, but I have a bunch of guys, either named Ralph, or Taurus, but they all fit the same general description. Clients, buddies, fishing buddies, all from the same general, to me, demographic. Usually, these are robust men. Manly men. Which is weird, as I’ve always approached Taurus from the feminine perspective, the obvious and overtly sensual side. The “passive” side of femininity, as represented by Venus, the planet associated with the sign. Earth sign. Consummate esthetes, and while the sign is accused of being stubborn, I prefer the term stable and thoughtful. Not prone to fast reactions. Which is part of the problem. As the week moves into the weekend and as the next week starts? Cautious, stable, least likely to make a hasty decision and the concomitant mistake from a quick and ill-thought action? The planets seem to push a little to strong in one direction. I’m not saying don’t do it, but if you choose to do that thing? Remember, there will be consequences.

Gemini: One of my Gemini buddies showed up the other afternoon. Quiet February afternoon. I was talking to a client on the phone, so my Gemini friend just mimed to me that he was here, we were supposed to grab a late lunch, and he had a question about some girl he was seeing, and he wouldn’t say thing, as he understood I was on the phone with someone else. Then he did, with more mime, make sure I knew it was him, and we did have an appointment, and I should be ready, and he was just going to use the bathroom since I was late. I rang off with the client started to burn the CD, as I record my readings so folks can recall what I said exactly instead of just what they want to remember. My buddy came out of the bathroom, “Certainly plenty of fiber in your diet, old man.” Gemini, remember? Before I could ask, he explained that I forgot to flush, and he was leaving me with graphic details. I’ll spare you. He didn’t spare me. My short version? Shower before the reading, and the reading called early and I was dripping wet and forgot to finish things in the bathroom. Anyone who’s ever been rushed knows the feeling. However, instead of trying to explain all of this to my Gemini buddy, I just let it go. However, he still sometimes asks, in poignant and mock agitated manner. Sometimes, listen to me, sometimes? It’s just easier if you flush the toilet and forget about it.

Cancer: Rubber chicken. Count on it. I was invited to an awards ceremony. Local celebrity, charitable cause, show up in a suit, or as close as I can get to suit. Everyone has to go these things. Xmas parties, company parties, and I was designated as the “date,” or as I prefer to call myself, “Plus One.” I do clean up nice, so that’s not really an issue. Although, to be honest, the accolades, costs and preparation doesn’t seem to match the nature of the award. The award was real, a serious accomplishment. The “plates,” as it was partially a fundraiser, were about $100 a head. Table of ten? That’s a cool grand, right there. Which was more that what was spent on the food, for sure. Hall, recital, entertainment, everything, doubt it cost near that much. This wasn’t about the food, or the occasion, it was about the rubber chicken. It’s a chicken breast, baked beyond recognition, probably baked years ago. Or last week. Delivered in a steam tray, artfully arranged with three asparagus spears, like a food version of trefoil. Didn’t really work for me. I didn’t show up for the food. Mocking food from a somber, joyous event? I can’t NOT mock it. Got these things three times a year or so. I knew the food was rubber chicken to begin with; therefore, no complaining. Hats off to the award winner. That was cool. Food was bad. Show up for (some kind of event) and expect (the food) to be different? Cancer, darling, what are you thinking?

    Dear [wlm_firstname],
    Looks like your login e-mail address is: [wlm_email], and if that’s correct, fine. If it’s wrong, please let me know.
    With the new year, there have been a lot of changes “under the hood,” and it’s been more than a year now we’ve been running on this system. As you’ve seen the scopes are formatted a little different. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Shoot me an e-mail now, or there might be no changes at all. I’d like to accommodate you as best I can.

    You can always post a comment, too.

    And thanks, without your support, I couldn’t do this.

Leo: Early March, here in Texas, I’ve been wearing shorts and working on a summer tan for most near a month now, more or less. Shorts, Hawaiian shirt, sandals, you know the drill, correct? The weather is weird, at best, as there will be a cold snap, and the appropriate attire could be shorts, or perhaps, something a little longer and warmer. Longer and warmer was what I was thinking about for my extra-special Leo friends. I was thinking about this one Leo poet. Long, fluffy “peasant” dress, all black lace and frills. Black turtleneck sweater. Light black jacket. All black. Black eyeliner. The comparison, has to be said, Goth? Yes and no, which means, not really. There’s certainly an element there, and the definition begs the comparison but that’s not the Leo message. In this example, it was simple. Less ostentatious than a “normal” Leo. Less of the boy peacock and lot more of the girl peacock, which, if you know anything about the animal kingdom, the girls do all the work. The boys just look pretty. Which is what this is about. Less about a Leo looking pretty and lot more about just letting a basic (black) covering take care of business. Then you can take care of business. All black, or your equivalent thereof. Works wonders.

Virgo: One of the greatest boons about working on a computer? I can tell the computer exactly what to do. It will do exactly what I’ve told it to do. Well, mostly. There’s a tendency to anthropomorphize our machines. What it eventually comes down to, though, is nothing more than a series of ones and zeros, all lined up in an order that makes sense to the machine. Either it’s on or it’s off. There isn’t much middle ground. Machines, they don’t really have feelings. The machine will only do what I tell it to do. “Tell” might be the wrong word, as I have to type the requests, or point with a mouse pointer thing. Trackball. Joy stick. Something. Ask any person who’s ever done any kind of tech support, the end user will come up with a remarkable number of excuses, the most common is, “I didn’t do a thing!” Hint: the computer didn’t just voluntarily take that action. No, it — the machine — needed a prompt from the user. Back to the binary, it’s either a one or a zero, as a Virgo, which one will you be? “I don’t know what happened, the computer just quit.” Or, are you playing tech support? Do you have to figure out just what the user did to make the computer do its digital belch?

Libra: I have a variety of fishing equipment. From long, heavy duty catfish & surf rods to ultra-light for ponds and creeks. I’ve got a little bit of everything. Some would say quite a bit of everything, but I don’t really think so. The two ultra-lights that I used to favor, great for lakes with small bass, crappie, that type of fishing? Big fun. One of the reels is spooled with 8-lbs. Test mono. Lightest I was willing to go and still have fun should I hook a larger fish. The biggest issue, I haven’t fished any ponds and streams that would work well with that type of a setup. Not lately. I started checking the fishing log book, and I realized that the line had been on there for well over a year. The second pole/reel combo? I know when I put that line on there, the expensive kind, and it’s been on there for almost two years. In theory, the fishing line won’t go bad, get brittle, or lose any of its tensile strength. In theory. In practical application? Since it looks like I’ll be fishing again, soon, the best course of action, for me, for my Libra friends? Go ahead, spend a few dollars and spool up some new fishing line. Why take a chance on losing a big fish because you were too cheap to wind up some new line? The brand of fishing line I’m thinking about, it’s about $4 for a spool. Not too much. A little insurance like new fishing line goes a long way towards making Saturn’s influence more manageable.

Scorpio: Stop. Valentine’s Day is so over, we need not think about it.

Stop. They pulled the VD stuff off the shelves as fast as they could, saved it for next year.

Stop. There’s still a little bit of pink fluff floating loose and free.

Stop. I’m a big discount shopper these days. Love to get me some good stuff cheap.


Just stop. I’m unsure if the direction is clear, but someplace between retail giants and my single-website shop, someplace between all of those, there’s place for Scorpio to shop. I’m also thinking that you should be thinking really long-term. I mean, I think it’s time to start thinking about next Valentine’s Day this week. Now, even. This is less about the box of stale chocolates and even less about lingerie, and a whole lot more about planning. Planning, plotting, and engaging. Make the plan. Plot the revenge. Figure out how to get what it is that you want. Figure out that now’s the time. I keep looking at the Scorpio chart, and I keep thinking about Valentine’s Day. As the sign used to say, “Get hitched: Wedding Rings and Shotguns on sale now!”

Sagittarius: I no longer own a car. Been a dozen years or more since I’ve owned a vehicle, speaks well to my pedestrian ways. I tend to think I’m urban, in that respect. Lazy and cheap both come to mind, as well. This coming Sunday/Monday, there’s a unique transit, between the Sun and the Moon, and as a fisherman, I’d suggest, this is Fishing Guide stuff, there’s a window to fish, when the fish are biting and the weather is pleasant, and that’s Sunday/Monday. Maybe Tuesday, have to check the charts for your specific location. However, no vehicle means it’s a little harder to get out to fish. Not impossible, just difficult. When I lived at the edge of the river, it was much easier, walk out the door, and there was fishing. Times change. Real estate values go up and down. Trailer parks get paved over and turned into High Rise buildings. Progress. Stop. This isn’t some sad lament about inevitable change, it’s rumination on the immediate future. It’s okay to glance back over our Sagittarius shoulders. Stop. Glance. One glance. Coming up, there’s a window of opportunity. Me? I’m grabbing a fishing pole, I think, and looking for a pond, stream, creek, river in which to throw bait. Either for real, for reel, or in some other sense? Fish. Plan on it Starting early next week.

Capricorn: One client of mine, he looks like a thug. Looks like a typical (read: Hollywood version) wise guy. Hooligan. Nefarious, criminal type. Looks guilty, like he’s up to no good, just sitting there. In the real world he’s a successful small business man. Small business man, as in, he is the sole operator of his tiny company that has less than ten part-time employees. Wish I was on his payroll, too, but that’s not what this about. This about what he looks like and what he really is. Looks mean. Looks like he should be working in Waste Management in New Jersey. Or a (euphemistically named) Gentleman’s Club, one of those kind of places. Couldn’t be further from the truth. Makes for fun times with him, as I’d always want to call upon him to help me with enforcement, but I have little, if any, need for an intimidating presence. As the planets continue their arc and prescribed course, think about making yourself appear more “thug-like.” Tough exterior. Never mind there’s a soft and sentimental Capricorn underneath the coating, that’s not what this is about. For the next few days, the best protection is to “Thug-Up.”

Aquarius: There are inherent problems when shopping online. Certain material lend themselves to this process. Others? Yeah, not so much. I was looking at an IKEA item. Online. It wasn’t really furniture from that brand name, but the stark, clean, almost minimalist lines? The blonde wood, the impression that the furniture doesn’t sit there, more like it floats? The advertising is clever enough, I get the distinct feeling that buying it, from that online ad, I would be thinner, younger, more attractive, more in control. That, my fine Aquarius friend, is an excellent example of a powerful online message. Which, now that the birthdays are over? The planets are arrayed in various quadrants and astrological “houses,” and as such, you’re shopping. Shopping online is good. Shopping and comparing two similar products, price, performance, positions. All good stuff. There’s a problem, though, and this is what I’m trying to get across to you, it’s, back to the idea of furniture shopping online. Great idea. If you know exactly what you want, and if you’ve tried it out in person. Not something similar, something identical. Fit, finish, craftsmanship, color, quality. That will help prevent the heartbreak of, “It looked different in the picture.” Shopping online is fine. Unless you’re buying a book or reading from me, though? Maybe you don’t want to purchase online.

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About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at

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  • Cathy Kanavy Mar 3, 2011 @ 16:59

    “Hey Kramer!” -from the Double Aries Sag in a crowded room of other sun, moon and rising signs!
    Looks like Libra is having a hard time? uh? Is it going to get harder for them? Reason I ask- I have a series of court dates with an 80 yr old woman who is a Libra. A MEAN Libra! Sturdy fishing line? I rather picture her as the two hot dogs that needed to be tossed.
    You almost teased us all “Kramer’s gonna buy a car?” NOooooo! And so, it’s back to fishing. Scopes rocked today! Thanks!