Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.19

    “Go hang yourselves all! You are
    Idle shallow things; I am not of
    Your element.”
    Malvolio in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night [III.iv.115-6]

    “I am not of your element!” — oh but you are, dear sir, you are of our element.

Horoscopes by the Fishing Guide to the Stars starting 12.19.2013

    Venus starts a retrograde pattern this week.

Sagittarius HoroscopeSagittarius: It’s almost Xmas time. It’s almost the end of Sagittarius. It’s also a time to think about comparisons and yard-sticks. I’m unsure if the term “yardstick” will translate to some of my newer readers. It was a wooden rule, a stick ruler, 36 inches long, usually marked with inches, frequently nothing below an eighth of an inch, for increments. In latter years, I saw one or two “yardsticks” marked with inches on one side and centimeters opposite that, but a meter is about 39 inches so it wasn’t quite a meter stick. The term in a more generic sense, is about measure, maybe not too exactly, but measuring to an eighth of an inch, and then, maybe by yards instead of feet. Larger, more generous measurements. “The table was three or four feet long.” How long is that? Get out a yardstick to measure. Broad terms, not too finite on the details. Have a merry Xmas!

Capricorn: Old rule from my parent’s file? Definition of a long marriage was the second bottle of Tabasco. In my life, the second bottle of Tabasco is usually called “Lunch.” I developed a taste for fiery hot peppers after living so long in the desert climates, West Texas, Far West Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. Then, too, there is a healthy and healing component to the peppers. The very stuff that burns, capsicum, is also the stuff that heals.

Capsicum is the central ingredient in most pepper sprays. It’s also the central ingredient in most of my menu items. Can go either way, burn and terminate or heat and heal. As a Capricorn, you’re stuck between two extremes, holidays, Mercury in your sign and the early birthdays. Learn to use a moderate amount of heat. Otherwise? It just burns. Could blame Venus, too.


Aquarius: We were on one of the big lakes. I was riding shotgun with a well-known local fishing guru. His sixth sense, and his fish-finding radar located a large school of stripers (White Bass) at the bottom of the lake. We trolled over the spot that held the fish, the rigs all set for the right depth. I’m sure, as was my buddy, that the sparkly spoons (lures) cut a swath right through the school. Nothing. We trolled back and forth, keep in mind this was a “late fall” in South Texas. Kind of cool out, but with the clear overhead? Nice enough to be in shorts. We could see the fish on the transponder. We could almost see our baits on the radar screen, the underwater fish finder. We trolled over that spot with very little change, over and over. Some days the fish are picky like that. Over and over, on about the sixth pass, well, results speak for themselves, pictures are on the website someplace. We had to go over the same spot — at least (no exaggeration) — six times before anything took the bait. Venus is heading backwards.

piscesPisces: Wasn’t really my idea, but I started this diet plan. Wasn’t really for me, just one of those packages that advertised as “lifestyle enhancement” instead of the old term, “diet.” The new eating plan was mostly fresh veggies and protein, i.e., meat. I saw no real results, and this is my third or fourth “diet” plan. I didn’t see immediate results. I noticed my clothes were a little looser, but I wasn’t shedding any noticeable weight. After about 6 weeks? There was a change. Not a big change, not like I was rail-thin again, but I’d dropped a few pounds and better yet, the existing weight was redistributed. I felt better but there wasn’t the big change the package promised. I didn’t have six-pack abs. No bikini-clad models were hanging on my newly-pumped stronger-arms.

But I did feel better. Details are in the web journal, someplace. However, after six weeks, I was feeling better.

After six weeks? You’ll be feeling better, just like me.

Aries: Mars oppose Uranus. Mars is in Libra, the sign of the relationship while Uranus is here in Aries. Mars, nominally, is yours, too. This sets up some rather bizarre energy. At least some folks, especially Aries, will claim discomfort in this next few days. I suggest getting out a pen and writing down the next three items that come to mind, to-do items, tasks, goals, or even a list of folks who you want to make sure have a miserable Xmas holiday (Aries enemies). The list, with the Mars pressure and oblique but dedicated pressure from Pluto, too, it’s going skew to the left and right, revenge, justice, holiday hopes, and cheers. Pretty strange. I suggest pen and paper for this list. As the pressure mounts, you want to make sure everyone and everything is on the Aries list. Then, let’s wait. Not a good time to take action, but make a list. I’m looking at the top three action items that you can handle, top of the list. Started with three, looks like you’re at 18 now.

Taurus: Tricky bit of word play, are you ready? Instead of quitting, not now, just look at the task which has become a train wreck? Look at that task, that job, that deal, call it a project. Now, look at the project and declare it finished as it has arrived at its logical stopping point. Now that the project has arrived at its inevitable conclusion, call it a win. Snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. All in framing the question, the answer, and the way you call it what it is. The holidays are upon us with the concomitant insanity. Careful. Venus, heading backwards, recall my warning about that? Merry Xmas.

geminiGemini: I’m not a huge fan of fishing in the dead of winter. However, I was out, the weather was sort of nice, and we had three lines, all trailing downwind, but against the outgoing tide, and the fishing was spotty, at first. The three lines in the water, all with various pieces of bait, and the winter fish, this was earlier this month, the winter feeders weren’t quite as hungry as I was. I just worry when the bait itself starts to look like sushi to me. One line jiggled. Then a second line. I handed one pole to my buddy, and then we commenced the dance.

My fish pulled to the starboard side, I was on the port side and his fish pulled to the port side, obviously, he was starboard. It’s an over-under situation. The dance itself, two grown men, cavorting on a small boat, trying to maintain pressure on the line, making an effort not to get tangled up, and what happens? Remember the third line in the water? There was a fish on that line, but the fish had walked the line around the other line, and it was, at best, a seriously fouled up situation. As a Gemini, it takes time and patience to unsnarl this mess. This week, there’s a sneaky fish wrapping the stuff up in a way as to challenge your Gemini self. Time. Patience. You can do it. My fishing buddy got himself a nice big red out of the deal.

Cancer: I saw the coolest stuff on sale, a “Before Xmas” event! Shorts, like I like, only, maybe not as cool in the color department, super cheap, like $3 per pair! Cool! They were plaid, mostly, and in a size that is now, sadly, too small for me. Plaid. Not tasteful plaid either, but orange and red, purple and green, stuff that doesn’t mix well together. Therein is the problem, my fine Cancer friends.

Deals and steals, but are they deals and steals? Three bucks for a pair of shorts seems like a mighty fine deal, to me. Therein is the trouble, once I started looking at the real shorts that were in stock and available at that price? Great for little people. Not so much for those of us who are now “South Texas” Size. Besides, should I even be allowed out in plaid? Doesn’t always go with my typical Hawaiian print shirt, now does it? Deals and steals, shopping, even now, think about shopping online, but then, look at what you’re getting. Is it really a deal? Like my shorts that, as it turned out, weren’t so cheap.

The (mighty) Leo: Holidays and Leo, get any better than this? Yes, it does get better than this, the problem is focus. To some, not all, and I’m not naming any names, but at least one of my Leo buddies is on a perpetual sugar high, and won’t come down for long, long time. Therein is the problem, and whether you’re on a similar sugar-induced, holiday frenzy, or if it is, as I suspect, the planets, or planet, but you get the idea, right?

It’s like one too many sugar cookies. Stop. The problem with the Leo behavior is that you’re inclined to spout off first, then try to back up the comments. Usually, this isn’t a problem. However, this holiday season isn’t like “normal,” whatever that is. Since it’s not normal? Normal Leo reactions aren’t best. I’m not saying don’t go all out, I’m just suggesting you notch it back by a small degree.

VirgoVirgo: I was reading a thriller-type of novel. I copied a piece of text down, word-for-word, not because I’ve ever been in a live firefight, but from what I know of human nature, the line rings true.

“No plan ever survives the first exchange of fire.”

In context, it was about a running gun battle between good guys and bad guys. It’s fiction: the good guys win. However, like the line presaged, the battle plan fell apart after the first trigger was pulled. I worked retail, one year at this time of the year. I’d say, “Never again,” but that’s another bad omen. I just have more patience for the retail helpers. As you approach this week with a battle plan careful drawn up? Realize that contingencies you can’t ever allow for will pop up as soon as the first (metaphorical) shot is fired. Plan, but be willing to be fluid and dynamic as that’s the only way to outflank the enemy. Happy Xmas (hunting).

Libra: I have long legs. I’m pedestrian. I can walk. I tend to walk a few miles every day, just to be on the safe side, for my health as much as anything. I watched, amused, from the sidelines, as it were, while the little Libra scurried hither and yon, in a desperate attempt to get everything on the list accomplished.

I have long legs. I can easily keep up with the frantic pace, hurried and scurry along, desperately trying to gather up goodies. Realize that my apparent unhurried pace gets everything ticked off the Libra list, too. I just do it without looking like I’m in a frazzled hurry. The secret? Stretch out the legs to match the Mars infused energy.

Scorpio: There’s a time to speak up. There’s a time to shut up. This is a time to shut up. I’d be more subtle but that hasn’t worked. Close your mouth, my fine Scorpio friend. I like you fine. Others like you, too, and then you, the Scorpio, start to mutter, “Not so you’d notice it.”

Shut up. There’s a ton of loose material hurtling around the Sun at a frantic speed (asteroids), and if you’re not careful, you’ll collide with one such spatial object. To keep that from happening?

Shut up. I can get away with the blunt term because I’m a silly Sagittarius with no Scorpio, and you have to survive the next couple of days.

Easiest way to get by? Shut up.

About the author: Born and raised in a small town in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel spent years honing his craft in a trailer park in South Austin. He hates writing about himself in third person. More at KramerWetzel.com.

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